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Original poster

Should I tell his wife?

173 replies

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:05

I need some advice about a situation, I'm going to keep it slightly vague on the odd chance that someone involved reads this (unlikely I know) but basically I had a 'situation' recently with a man I subsequently found out was married. Actually he told me he was separated and I believed him until I came across some information which led to me finding out. We never actually had sex but he definitely would have and during the time I knew him (I've since stopped contact) he told me about a few other encounters he'd had. I'd met him on a website that was basically geared towards sex I'm embarrassed to say, so this wasn't such an odd thing for him to tell me.

This was a little while ago but I can't shake off the question of whether I should tell his wife. I've found her on Facebook (which feels intrusive in itself) and could send a message but then I would lose my anonymity so I'm anxious about doing that.

On the one hand I feel she has a right to know he deliberately went looking for sex over an extended period of time. On the other hand I hate the thought of ruining someone's happiness, and they have children too who would be affected.

There's no connection between us so I'm not worried about it having consequences for me (obviously I genuinely had no idea but wouldn't want what happened to become common knowledge).

He's still at it, too (I won't say how I know).

Please advise me on what to do.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 04/01/2017 21:01

I'd tell her.

Livelovebehappy · 04/01/2017 21:10

I guess if the site you were on was 'geared up for sex', chances are it's not going to be a site which men use in the hope of having a relationship, or commit to anyone. It sounds like it would be a hotbed for married men looking for no strings attached sex. Therefore I can't think you'd be too surprised at the standard of man you would meet on there. I wouldn't tell his wife. You aren't anything to her, and vice versa, so why would you want to get involved in the drama of it all?

rhuhbarb4 · 04/01/2017 21:16

I would tell her but annoynmously could you maybe set up an email and send her a link to his profile? Id want to know if it was my husband doing it. On the other hand she could well know that he is doing it and shes allowing it-theres always a chance.

GlitteryFluff · 04/01/2017 21:17

I'd want to be told, but it's completely up to you if you feel you can or want to stay out of it.

maggiethemagpie · 04/01/2017 21:23

Are you telling her for HER sake or for YOURS ie to get back at him?

spudlike1 · 04/01/2017 21:34

I think that you have become overly involved in your head and if you did tell her you'd be unable to walk away .( you'd want to know what happens next )
so give it all time and move on not your drama not your concern by telling her you become involved , which would be a bad idea in my opinion.

Original poster
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 21:40

I'm not telling her. Partly because I actually don't want to potentially destroy his life, as well as hers and the kids. I know maybe he deserves it but I can't bear the thought of causing all that misery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 21:43

Livelove I wasn't surprised at the men who were married but I was surprised when I found out about this one, partly because he seemed alright, and partly because on a site like that it's pretty normal for people to openly be in a relationship - so I didn't think he'd have any reason to lie.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/01/2017 21:56

You could send her a link to his profile on the website anonymously.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 04/01/2017 21:57

Twelfthnighteve - I hope I am wrong and apologise in advance if I am.

Your arguments seem disingenuous to me and I think you need to closely and honestly examine your motives for wanting to tell this man's wife about him.

You admit that you have knowingly consorted with other married men without any compelling need to tell their wives, but this one is 'different'. Do you want to hurt both of them, because you have been hurt? Have you started this thread to seek validation for an action you know is wrong?

Given what you have told us about yourself and your squalid relationships with other men, I do not believe your motives for dropping this burden on a stranger are as altruistic as you claim.

PrettyBotanicals · 04/01/2017 22:00

Do you often find yourself wanting to become over involved with other people's lives? Their marriage is their business. Not yours.

I can't think of a single way in which telling the wife would add anything positive to your life.

Original poster
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 22:13

Honeybee, I haven't knowingly consorted with any married/ unavailable men. I said that some told me they were and I didn't pursue it any further.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 22:17

I don't even understand where you're getting that from. My squalid relationships? I specifically said I had nothing to do with anyone married. I don't actually want to tell her, I did think maybe people would say I had a duty to? And I've said that my decision is not to tell her because even though she may deserve to know I don't think I could cope with being the bearer of that kind of news.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 22:21

PrettyBotanicals - no I don't, at all. I'm a very private person and don't get involved in others' lives. And I'm upset that I unwittingly got more involved than I wanted to be with someone who is married.

I agree though, it's become clear to me throughout this thread that my personal feeling, my first instinct, was right - I'm honestly not the sort of person to interfere with people and I'm not particularly judgmental even of him. I do think it's unfair on the wife but I couldn't tell her, it would upset me too much (selfish way of me perhaps).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2017 22:30

You've ended it and if you're smart you'll never contact him again. Stay out of his life and his marriage. That's his problem and if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit you have no idea what this guy is capable of.

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 04/01/2017 22:32

There are always posters on here who tell you to keep schtum.

But if I were the wife I would want to know that my whole family was being fucked over, and my sexual health was at risk. If you look up the health consequences of long term untreated STIs - it's serous stuff.

Personally, I would feel I had duty to alert her, and I would feel like I was enabling the cheating by not speaking out. I would do so anonymously though.

She may already have suspicions. She may be aware of it, in which case the information won't surprise her.

If she doesn't - any woman deserves better than to be in the dark about a cheating piece of slime.

LondonStill83 · 04/01/2017 22:34

I would want to know

thorninyourside · 04/01/2017 22:34

Twelfthnight ignore the haters who judge you. Your wish to tell her is simply decent. My ex cheated on me badly. I absolutely would have wanted to know BUT in my experience, for whatever reason, people do not always take kindly to someone being decent and honest and doing the 'right' thing in such circumstances. He, by the very nature of what he is doing, is a liar, a manipulator and a cheat. He WILL paint you in the worst light possible and fallonjamie's experience is not unusual when you expose guys like this. It's a very difficult dilemma but if you were to say anything, I'd think it through very carefully and be sure to totally protect yourself. You don't know what she knows but can't face and it may well backfire in that she might protect herself from the knowledge by deeming you to be a spurned, jealous woman. Do not underestimate the power he will have and her desire to believe him. If you did anything it should be factual links to his activity that is indisputable even then it's tricky. However I'd have been so grateful to have had a decent woman like yourself tell me the truth. A tough one.

Original poster
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 22:36

People obviously have strong opinions on both sides. I feel a bit damned if I do and damned if I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 22:39

Thorn that's exactly what I think will happen. He's a very intelligent man, knows how to marshall an argument and I think could manipulate the whole thing to suit himself. It would back him into a corner and I suspect he could get rather nasty.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 04/01/2017 22:39

Treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself.

I'd want to know I was wasting my prime years on somebody. I wouldn't see that as the OW destroying my relationship, he'd have done that and I'd be set free from his lies.

How many threads do we see on here by people wishing they'd never found out so their DH could carry on with his behaviour with them in the dark?

How many threads do we see on here from people wishing they'd known sooner and left sooner?

namechange102 · 04/01/2017 22:41

Twelfth, if you were the wife, would you want to know? I would. This is my worst nightmare, but I would still prefer to know rather than live unknowingly with a cheat.
If he's kept it a secret for at least a year he's good at hiding it. If people who know are not prepared to stand up for what is right, how will she ever know? You are not connected to them, does it really matter if a cheating bastard who took you both for a ride hates you for telling the truth? Please be a decent person and come clean.

QuinnsNo1Lady · 04/01/2017 22:42

Been in pretty much the same situation. Told the wife, gave her all the evidence she needed...they're still together. She knows he does it, knows he did it in the past. She'll pray for me. I'm actually more mad at her for enabling him.

Original poster
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 22:43

Oh God, I just don't know now Sad. Anecdotally, from this thread it doesn't seem like telling the wife tends to turn out that well though.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 04/01/2017 22:45

Tell her and include the screenshot. It's up to her to believe it or not but she'll probably be on alert and may notice stuff or another woman may tell her.

I'd want to know if I was the wife.

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