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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell his wife?

173 replies

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:05

I need some advice about a situation, I'm going to keep it slightly vague on the odd chance that someone involved reads this (unlikely I know) but basically I had a 'situation' recently with a man I subsequently found out was married. Actually he told me he was separated and I believed him until I came across some information which led to me finding out. We never actually had sex but he definitely would have and during the time I knew him (I've since stopped contact) he told me about a few other encounters he'd had. I'd met him on a website that was basically geared towards sex I'm embarrassed to say, so this wasn't such an odd thing for him to tell me.

This was a little while ago but I can't shake off the question of whether I should tell his wife. I've found her on Facebook (which feels intrusive in itself) and could send a message but then I would lose my anonymity so I'm anxious about doing that.

On the one hand I feel she has a right to know he deliberately went looking for sex over an extended period of time. On the other hand I hate the thought of ruining someone's happiness, and they have children too who would be affected.

There's no connection between us so I'm not worried about it having consequences for me (obviously I genuinely had no idea but wouldn't want what happened to become common knowledge).

He's still at it, too (I won't say how I know).

Please advise me on what to do.

OP posts:
Fallonjamie · 04/01/2017 23:29

And again; question your motives. Is it really just that you think she should know? Or is it because you feel he made a fool of you/hurt you as well as her?.

You say there are loads of married men on that sex site who are upfront about being married and looking for sex. Are you planning on finding them online and telling all of their wives? Surely they deserve to know too? Or is it just his wife?

namechange102 · 04/01/2017 23:29

to tell his wife would be quite cruel

Even if you think this, isn't it a lot less cruel than letting her unknowingly stay with a cheat with all the 'cruelties' that could entail? Hmm

HoneyBeeMum1 · 04/01/2017 23:29

I cannot believe what I am reading!

Twelfth has met various men on a seedy website, which by her own admission is frequented by adulterous lowlife.

She - presumably - has no compulsion to inform the wives of those other men, just this one.

I like to see the best in people, but I cannot see even a smidgen of evidence that twelfth's motives are pure, in fact I believe she motivated by revenge [Heaven hath no rage like love turned to hate. Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned].

All this rubbish about the wife wanting to know is just an excuse. If twelfth was genuine she would apply her bleeding heart argument to every man she has met on her tawdry website.

In any case I am quite certain she will tell this man's wife. She is seeking validation, not advice.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:33

Honeybee - you clearly aren't reading what I wrote. Do go away please. Fwiw I met two men from there, one definitely unmarried and the other is the guy I'm talking about here.

I guess this thread is a good example of how people's motives can be misconstrued no matter what they say Hmm.

OP posts:
thorninyourside · 04/01/2017 23:35

Honeybee methinks you do protest too much. Your judgemental comments are out of place and totally missing the point. In fact they are spiteful and one has to wonder what your motives are and why your buttons are getting pushed....

namechange102 · 04/01/2017 23:35

To all those pp who are urging OP not to tell, are you honestly saying that if you were the wife you would prefer to remain oblivious?
OP, you are obviously in two minds. If you pass on the info (dates, details, profile info, etc) through a second FB account, then delete, whats the worst thing that could happen? You have to change your phone number? I think this would be a tiny problem compared to the wifes, if noone takes a stand and let's her know what her H is really like.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 04/01/2017 23:37

Twelfth - I think you have just confirmed what I said - you are seeking validation. Any opinion that conflicts with what you want to hear is unwelcome.

If you do not want to hear some hard truths, you are posting in the wrong forum.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 04/01/2017 23:40

HoneyBee you are just making things up now the op hasn't said half of the shit that's in your post and you clearly judge her for wanting sex every now and then.

I'm with thorn in wondering what your motives are for being so judgemental.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:41

No, Honeybee - it's not an opinion, it appears to be a basic misunderstanding which I've repeatedly tried to clear up - I didn't meet up with married men at all. I'm not going to tell the wives of these nonexistent married men, no. If someone on a website tells me they're married, am I meant to hire a detective to track down their spouses? Don't be ridiculous. You're just nasty.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 04/01/2017 23:42

Tell her. I'd want to know.

I'd met him on a website that was basically geared towards sex I'm embarrassed to say

Don't be embarrassed. Women are allowed to like sex too.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:43

Namechange102 - yes, it would be a small problem compared to hers. But I can't help feeling I'd be the one dumping that problem in her lap. Yes, he's cheating, but maybe ignorance is bliss. To just throw a grenade into someone's life and disappear doesn't feel right.

OP posts:
thorninyourside · 04/01/2017 23:43

Twelfth. Telling her once would not constitute harassment but further contact might if they complained to the police and you do only need 2 instances of unwanted contact but since you wouldn't be doing that you should be fine. I think it's not clear cut to say or not say. In an ideal world you would say and she would be glad to know but we don't live in an ideal world and you should just be prepared for that should you decide to say something and please ignore honeybee, her comments aren't useful here

HecateAntaia · 04/01/2017 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:47

Thanks thorn. It just pisses me off to be accused of seeking validation. Actually I started off this thread not having a clue what to do and I'm not much better off now!

OP posts:
namechange102 · 04/01/2017 23:49

Twelfth don't be unkind to yourself! He is the one who created the problem, you would be helping her to recover from it.

OldGuard · 04/01/2017 23:49

Each of us has a right to make our own decisions about how we conduct our life based on facts and truth

The wife has a right to know facts so she can determine how she leads her own life and what risks, both physical and emotional, she is exposed to

To not tell the wife is to withhold information that prevents her from making the most informed choice about her own life - and basically treat her like the fool as her husband is

Tell her and then walk away

EggnoggAndMulledWine · 04/01/2017 23:50

As a wife I'd absolutely want to know.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2017 23:51

I think to take the step of telling a cheated spouse you have to be very clear, very calm and very comfortable with your decision

You are obviously not (and I can understand why) so in this instance I don't think you should

Oh, and ignore Honey.

Kelsoooo · 04/01/2017 23:55

I'd want to know.

And Id tell the wife personally. But with as much information as you have.

RockyBird · 04/01/2017 23:56

These threads are always 50/50.

The main thing is you're out of it now, OP. That's a good thing.

You don't have to make any decisions this week or next.

Ohyesiam · 04/01/2017 23:56

Of you do decide to tell her, can't you open a new fb account, then block and deactivate new account?

springydaffs · 04/01/2017 23:56

It's not you who would be throwing the grenade in their lives. It's him, do you see?

You're a good person and fair. If you were in her position, would you want to know?

As for I can't think of a single way in which telling the wife would add anything positive to your life. - kinda missing the point there I feel. How dispiriting the assumption that all action should ultimately be self-seeking.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:57

Thanks everyone for the replies. I understand why people feel so strongly, for and against. You've given me a lot to think about but I'm going to leave this thread now and my decision is not to tell. I think it would play on my mind horribly, even though a big part of me can see why it might be the right thing to do it just feels too hurtful and too exposing.

OP posts:
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:58

Hurtful to her, exposing to me, if that wasn't clear. And the fake profile thing is just too much, I feel sordid enough as it is.

OP posts:
namechange102 · 05/01/2017 00:04

Sorry, but I hope you change your mind. If ppl only look out for themselves in this life, decent society goes downhill pretty quickly. Continuing with the selfish mindset is hardly likely to improve your opinion of yourself, or mine of other ppl. Flowers