He won't have proper sex with me

[Cantthinkofanynewnames]

Have namechanged for identifying reasons. Apologies in advance for TMI

I've been seeing a new guy for a month ish, and three times now it's got to the point of being naked in bed, foreplay, but then he wants to stop. At first I thought it was because we were both tired but the third time happened last night and to be honest I'm thinking of giving up and calling it off. It's making me feeling really shit and that's not what you want in a new relationship is it?

Am I being unfair? Someone explain this to me

I can understand taking it slowly, but sleeping in bed with the other person is a bit odd.

I'm leaning towards guilt tbh.

I can see why it feels like hard work though op and it should be fun really at this point ....

Why did you say you understood when you don't?

"I think if someone came on and said 'my partner has dumped me because I didn't feel ready for sex even though we've been naked together' we would rightly be critical of that person and say 'you've dodged a bullet there.'" I think it depends. If they'd discussed beforehand that one or the other wasn't ready for sex and the other had then dumped her because he wasn't on board with that idea then he would rightly deserve the criticism.

But if the relationship was progressing along a trend and they frequently ended up in bed together in the heat of passion and she had continually got to the point where they would have sex and then said no I would question why she hadn't been honest with him from the beginning that sex wasn't yet on the cards.

No-one is obliged to have sex if they don't want to/don't feel ready. But not communicating that fact while leading someone on to the point you end up in bed naked together and get to the point of wanting to have sex and then putting the breaks on not once but on multiple occasions is playing games and says a lot more about the person saying no than the one with the expectations. And just for reference, I would expect the person being told no to stop, but I wouldn't expect them to be happy or ok with it if it happened every time they went to bed.

I've been in a position where I wasn't ready for sex at the beginning of a relationship. But I communicated that fact very clearly before we ever got to the point of being in an intimate enough position where that was even a remote possibility. I would A, never have wanted to lead someone on only to say no at a critical point, but equally I wouldn't have wanted to feel pressured into having sex when I wasn't ready. And by feeling pressured I don't mean by the man but by the situation.

Communication is key here. If you're close and comfortable enough with someone to get into bed naked with them then you should be close enough to them to be able to have a prior discussion about expectations if there are any.

And from a woman's perspective, if you went to bed with a man and didn't feel you could communicate your lack of desire to have sex before you'd got into such an intimate position, how could you possibly know he would stop when you got to the point of saying no? Most men would, but any woman putting herself in that position is potentially putting herself in an incredibly vulnerable position with someone she barely knows to know whether he would do the right thing.

I've name changed to answer this as I was in a similar position with my husband when we first got together - it happened a couple times and turned out that he'd been brought up not to believe in sex before marriage apparently everything else was in the cards, just not actual sex. Bonkers rationale but true story.

wannabe I agree communication is key and it isn't great that he might get her worked up and then not perform but op can also have the conversation about where it's going.

I suppose I'm feeling really sorry for the guy who is probably mortified that he doesn't feel ready (or maybe can't perform). And having had an embarrassing conversation he thinks op understands when she doesn't and still might dump him. Communication definitely needs to be two way and perhaps op needs to think about that before her next relationship.

Curly, but the op is not in 'a very long term relationship' with sexual difficulties.

She is not even in a relationship- she has been dating a fella for only four weeks and it appears he has both communication and sexual difficulties- she says it makes her feel like shit.

Of course the advice given in these two very different scenarios would be different...

But would it, though? Wouldn't it basically be "you need to communicate and work through any embarrassment or annoyance" - for ANY type of relationship. That's the crux of the matter.

I am basing my opinion on the assumption that this man does not have any other foibles or annoying behaviours. If he's Mr Perfect in ALL other respects and she clearly fancies him then I just think it's pure waste to bin him at this stage without having any proper discussion.

Honestly having had a variety of good and not so good partners I'd bail at this point.

One of the many brill things about DH is he's always up for it if I'm up for it. Doesn't take much to stoke the fire and he never pesters for it. And it's simplicity, no weirdness, no boundaries being pushed etc.

After his final comment I wonder if he's just worried about it being over too quickly and what he really means is "I should have had a w*nk this morning/last night as my ego can't take it being over in 30 seconds"

I wonder if he's a virgin.

wannabe has hit the nail on the head.

I put up with a similar hot/cold ridiculous situation for ten years. I never got to the bottom of it. It really is quite simple. He should not let things get to the point of heavy petting naked in bed and then shut down. He is essentially rejecting the OP. She should not be feeling like this because he is playing games.

Wouldn't it basically be "you need to communicate and work through any embarrassment or annoyance" - for ANY type of relationship. That's the crux of the matter.

No, it isn't. If you're seeing a guy who won't shag you, nor offer you the courtesy of an explanation, you really, really, don't need to work through anything.

I am basing my opinion on the assumption that this man does not have any other foibles or annoying behaviours. If he's Mr Perfect in ALL other respects and she clearly fancies him then I just think it's pure waste to bin him at this stage without having any proper discussion.

Why would you assume that? Four weeks in, he keeps getting in her bed, won't shag, won't talk. She feels shit. That's not Mr perfect and that's a pretty massive foible and very annoying behavior.

I really would discourage anyone from starting a relationship with someone displaying such massive red flags. You owe them nothing.