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Original poster

He won't have proper sex with me

163 replies

Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 09:13

Have namechanged for identifying reasons. Apologies in advance for TMI Blush

I've been seeing a new guy for a month ish, and three times now it's got to the point of being naked in bed, foreplay, but then he wants to stop. At first I thought it was because we were both tired but the third time happened last night and to be honest I'm thinking of giving up and calling it off. It's making me feeling really shit and that's not what you want in a new relationship is it?

Am I being unfair? Someone explain this to me Confused

OP posts:
OhhBetty · 04/01/2017 14:39

I think both of you sound awful at communicating! After my last relationship I don't have time for any of that. Straightforward and to the point is best imo and I wouldn't consider a relationship with anyone who wasn't.
If you don't feel it's right then end it before dragging it out any longer. If you want to hear him out then just ask him straight. If he can't handle that then he isn't the one!

SandyY2K · 04/01/2017 14:45

I think it's weird as fuck to think it's ok to get naked and sexual in bed

^ You're right. Getting naked is a step too far. I wouldn't get naked and then bail out.

Joysmum · 04/01/2017 14:49

We did not have penetrative sex for a good month of nude foreplay in a bed. Nothing weird at all about it Confused

What is weird is not being able to talk about it.

With both people not communicating, not willing to try and expecting each other to be mindreaders then this relationship is dead in the water.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 04/01/2017 14:50

I think he's married or in another relationship.

Yoarchie · 04/01/2017 14:54

I have to say I'd end it. The lack of communication is even worse than the lack of sex. I won't tolerate people not communicating. I know that makes me sound harsh but I like people who are completely honest, plus how can you empathise or adjust when you have no idea of the problem?

Gallavich · 04/01/2017 15:09

I don't mean that being naked in bed means you should have sex, far from it. But surely the adult way to approach it is either 'sorry I shouldn't have let it get this far because of XYZ reason, can we slow it down' or 'I'm confortable with this but no further, is that cool with you?' Both scenarios would be perfectly fine but to get naked in bed, get sexual then stop without explanation 3 times in a row is really weird and frustrating. I'd probably be reticent to ask in op's shoes too, or I would ask in a really pissed off way and makemyself look like an arsehole Grin

C8H10N4O2 · 04/01/2017 16:44

gallavich perhaps training to be a soaking morman? Grin

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Soaking

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/01/2017 16:56

No one's said she doesn't have a good enough reason to dump him.

They are obviously within their rights to walk away at any point.

But if you want to know something you kinda have to ask.

What you do with that info is up to you. But if you can't ask a simple question then you are going to have problem after problem with partner after partner

frieda909 · 04/01/2017 17:28

Of course no one is obliged to have sex with anyone else. Even if you're naked and fooling around in bed together, anyone is entitled to say 'actually, no' at any point. And no, they don't have to give a reason if they don't want to. However, the fact remains that repeatedly getting naked with someone and then changing your mind with no explanation IS a very confusing thing to do, and I think people underestimate how upsetting it can actually be. I was briefly seeing a guy who always seemed to get me worked up and then just rolled over and went to sleep. It made me feel so awful I wanted to cry, not because I was desperate for a shag but because it made me feel used and neglected.

So, I get it. I really do. But as others have said, the real problem isn't the sex itself but the complete lack of communication between you, which doesn't really bode well for a relationship. I can think of a dozen reasons off the top of my head why he might be acting like this, but no amount of speculation from us is going to help - the real point is that, for whatever reason, you don't feel able to ask him about this at all.

My partner and I couldn't have sex for months after we got together, due to some circumstances beyond our control. But we talked about it after our second date and both knew exactly what was going on. If you can't communicate then that's as good a reason as any to end it - ignore anyone suggesting that you're a bad person for wanting to do so!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/01/2017 19:06

People have misunderstood what I wrote earlier. Of course anyone is ok to dump someone if they're just not into them or not feeling the chemistry. Or conversation is stilted. And it's fine to say this. But there clearly IS chemistry if they've been to bed together. There are no other issues by the sound Of it. The one thing is this very specific thing, and OP has bothered to post on MN about it so clearly she is more invested in the relationship than a lack of chemistry and a quick "I'm not into you, sorry" type of reply after a couple of awkward dates.

I think you NEED to get to the bottom of the issue for your own sake otherwise you'all be forever wondering what the problem was. What if the next guy says that too? You not going to ask then either?

I dunno...maybe I'm just old and a straight talker. But just dumping him before I knew what was causing his behaviour would be what I would have done when I was younger and not wanting to hurt his feelings by telling him the real reason. I'd straight out just ask him now. Over text/messenger if you can't do it face to face. If he avoids the issue or doesn't tell you straight THAT is the time to dump him. But for God's sake, woman up and ask him!

Daisyfrumps · 04/01/2017 19:41

I had this. He was a 'born again' christian and thought that sex outside of marriage is a sin Hmm

Selfish bastard was happy enough to get me all riled up but then pull away when it would get interesting.

He dumped me after we finally had sex and then proposed to a 'virginal-type' woman he'd been chatting to online 3 weeks later.

loveyoutothemoon · 04/01/2017 21:16

Have you asked him yet?

Oysterbabe · 04/01/2017 22:15

An ex struggled to stay hard following years of deathgrip so it could be something like that. Him saying they can't does make me think STD though.

TeenageCentaurMortificado · 05/01/2017 10:40

An ex of mine had ED. Cause was being on antidepressants. It's well known.

Sometimes couldn't get hard, or could and then would lose it or if he could maintain then he couldn't ejaculate. You'd think being able to go for hours would be amazing... it's not. Quite soul destroying the whole sorry thing. Sad

Joysmum · 05/01/2017 11:30

Have you asked him yet?

AmserGwin · 05/01/2017 16:03

Please ask him! Give him a chance

birdybirdywoofwoof · 05/01/2017 16:06

Give him a chance?

Sigh.

When a man you've been dating for four weeks makes you feel like shit, ladies, stick with it.

Unbelievable.

HoHumming · 05/01/2017 16:26

I was with somebody like this before - on and off for TEN years and had penetrative sex ONCE! Never figured it out though he had a baby with someone else during one of our off periods!!! He was very Loren to tell me he didn't love the mother of his child and I was the love of his life LOL.

I believe he was probably not into me at all and I'm unsure if he was or would ever really be into anyone other than himself

HoHumming · 05/01/2017 16:27
  • keen not Loren.
HoHumming · 05/01/2017 16:33

I would also suggest you just quit the relationship. He is an adult and he should be the one explaining without you having to ask or guess.

It is already affecting you and it will completely affect your self esteem. I wish I had walked away after the first couple of times instead of allowing the 'chemistry' to overrule my head.

Blossomdeary · 05/01/2017 16:43

I too am puzzled as to why you might not simply ask him and talk about it. I cannot say that I have ever been naked in bed with someone with whom I could not have had this sort of discussion.

How much do you want to hang on to him?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/01/2017 17:17

"When a man you've been dating for four weeks makes you feel like shit, ladies, stick with it. Unbelievable."

Grin where has anyone said this??!?! We just want her to frigging ASK him what he problem is! No idiot would expect her to put up with that longer, FGS. Which is why she should ask him directly. Read people's replies properly! This is so frustrating.

HoHumming · 05/01/2017 17:17

And to clarify, I did ask him many times. I never got any sort of explanation other than 'I'm sorry, but you are still the only woman for me'. I tried everything, often by email as I wanted to give him time to answer/didn't want to embarrass him or myself. Then I asked him outright. I asked if he had a family elsewhere and asked if he was gay. and if he was a virgin. He sort of laughed at all my suggestions but never answered. By the end I was a shell of a person, I felt utterly unattractive and emotionally spent. In hindsight, I couldn't believe a word that left his mouth, not that he said much at all. I think he was embarrassed by me, he was quite a big name in his field. I was a very ordinary person. I will never know for sure. But I am certain I should have walked away with my head up high when still at the OP's stage of the 'relationship'.

Original poster
Cantthinkofanynewnames · 05/01/2017 20:25

little update: I asked and he said (sheepishly) that he just didn't feel ready and that 'it had to be right' to which I responded that it was a bit confusing getting to the point and then stopping but that I understood

Still unsure of what to do as I now feel it's a bit awkward!

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 05/01/2017 21:25

I don't know what to say op. My dh was like this (it obviously worked out as we are married!!! But he never led me on to that point, I knew the score and reason being religious)

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