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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't have proper sex with me

163 replies

Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 09:13

Have namechanged for identifying reasons. Apologies in advance for TMI Blush

I've been seeing a new guy for a month ish, and three times now it's got to the point of being naked in bed, foreplay, but then he wants to stop. At first I thought it was because we were both tired but the third time happened last night and to be honest I'm thinking of giving up and calling it off. It's making me feeling really shit and that's not what you want in a new relationship is it?

Am I being unfair? Someone explain this to me Confused

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 04/01/2017 10:14

I have discussed being on the pill with him so god knows.

Maybe he has no condoms.

tiej · 04/01/2017 10:15

Meg, great question, OP, what does he have to say at the time?

birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/01/2017 10:16

Why wouldn't someone tell you?

If I was sharing a bed with a new partner (x3) and I, for some bizarre reason, didn't want to shag them, then I would say to them, I wasn't ready, or whatever.

It is very unusual to not tell you what's going on and I don't accept the advice would be massively different the other way roud.

Original poster
Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 10:18

I told him I had condoms in the drawer before we started, plus you'd think the second/third time if that had been his issue he might have got some? I don't know Hmm

He doesn't really say anything, he just stops me when I try to initiate it, last night he said "we can't" which I don't really understand for the aforementioned reasons

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 04/01/2017 10:18

I have been two men with who were this way inclined. One was a heavy drug user (heroin) and the other was gay.

joystir59 · 04/01/2017 10:20

My ex husband was always very reluctant to actually have sex. He would kiss lots but then stop. He would be much more affectionate in public than when we were alone together. and he accused me of being sexually pushy. Fast forward to years later in which sex was always difficult between us- It turned out that he was gay.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/01/2017 10:24

You asked 'why not' tho, right?

What did he say then?

JennyHolzersGhost · 04/01/2017 10:25

I had one of these once. Turned out he was married and not having penetrative sex was his way of rationalising having a bit on the side - because it wasn't 'technically' cheating if you didn't have sex Hmm
Gave him the push pretty sharpish when I figured that out !
Yours may have a far more innocent reason though OP. You'll have to ask him I'm afraid there's no way around it.

wobblywonderwoman · 04/01/2017 10:26

Catholic beliefs ?

Whatabloodyidiot1 · 04/01/2017 10:26

My guess is married, and in his mind all the fooling around doesn't constitute cheating but PIV is crossing the line. Just a thought, but I am a cynical old goat....

birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/01/2017 10:27

I'd dump him. He's got Issues. He'll make you miserable.

trulybadlydeeply · 04/01/2017 10:28

A month into a relationship and you already have this significant issue? And I do see it as a significant issue, and would do so regardless of whether he is male or female. There is clearly a reason for this, whether it is physical, emotional, or relating to religious beliefs.

We can't explain this to you - only he can. If I were in your position I think I would contact him (message/text/email - the remoteness may help him answer honestly, rather than a 'phone call or face to face) and explain that you are finding this difficult to deal with, and whilst you respect that he has his reasons, you need to know what they are if the relationship is to continue.

Once you know, you can then make an informed decision about whether you wish to continue seeing him or not.

IRegretNothing · 04/01/2017 10:29

Does he get hard during foreplay? If he did, wouldn't that pretty much rule out ED? 'Scuse my naivety, not had experience with ED.
I think should just have a gentle chat. Like pps say, if you're open enough to have sex and the risks and responsibilities that come with it, a chat shouldn't be off the cards. Explain that you don't want to pressure him first but that you're confused about expectations etc. Good luck. Also, I wouldn't take it personally, surely foreplay more than once means he is attracted to you. I would place bets on it being anxiety or health based.

gingina · 04/01/2017 10:30

Ask Him!!! It's that simple.

Branleuse · 04/01/2017 10:32

sounds weird. Id feel the same whether it was a man or woman.

Joysmum · 04/01/2017 10:35

Ridiculous to surmise without asking him why!

TheNaze73 · 04/01/2017 10:36

I think he's waiting for you to ask him. He's not wanting to appear overly keen at the start.

dollydaydream114 · 04/01/2017 10:36

I have been in a very similar situation. Met a lovely man in his mid-30s. The first time we went to bed we were both very drunk so I didn't really think there was anything significant in the fact that we didn't get further than foreplay. After that it happened a few more times. I did ask as sensitively as I could what he liked in bed and if there was reason he didn't want to go the whole way, as it were, but he just said he was nervous and that what I was doing was great.

Eventually when we still hadn't had 'proper' sex (he had ejaculated at this point, but not inside me and he didn't seem to get very hard) and I said we had to talk about this.

I don't want to go into a load of detail for his sake, but basically it was a combination of physical and psychological issues. The physical one was resolved with a minor medical procedure and a prescription; the psychological ones were a lot more difficult to get through but he was helped a lot by a counsellor and by us just talking about stuff, basically.

We are still together after 15 years and things are absolutely fine now.

cheesecadet · 04/01/2017 10:37

"we can't"

Could he be married?

OutnumberedByFurchesters · 04/01/2017 10:37

As others have said... the response to "we can't " is surely... "why not?"

You need to discuss with him. Q

dollydaydream114 · 04/01/2017 10:38

Does he get hard during foreplay? If he did, wouldn't that pretty much rule out ED? 'Scuse my naivety, not had experience with ED.

Some men can get hard but not stay hard, I think.

HamletsSister · 04/01/2017 10:38

Religion?

Some drugs interfere with orgasm.

WannaBe · 04/01/2017 10:39

Speaking as someone who waited for six months before I had sex with eXH, if you're going to go to bed with someone and be naked with them, and you feel that sex isn't yet on the agenda, then you have an honest discussion with the person so that they know that sex isn't on the cards and therefore they don't have expectations and you don't feel pressured. If anything then does happen then it's a bonus. But if you don't have a conversation, and start engaging in foreplay to the point where you're about to have sex and then you pull back without explanation, it's inevitable that the person you are saying no to is going to be left wondering wtf happened. Especially if it's a common occurrence.

If he's not communicated that he doesn't want to have sex yet, and he's not communicating at the point he says no, then there are clearly serious issues, and while I would be inclined to ask what the problem is, would have asked at the point of rejection in fact, i wouldn't hold out much hope that this relationship has much of a future.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/01/2017 10:39

Surely if you are adult to be having or almost having sex you are adult enough to talk about it?

We could sit here and list possible reasons till the cows come home.

The easiest thing to do surely would he to ask?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/01/2017 10:40

He doesn't really say anything, he just stops me when I try to initiate it, last night he said "we can't"

It's that "can't" - as opposed to let's wait, not yet or whatever - which would really worry me. I hate to mention it, but I wonder if there's any chance he's being treated for something?

Failing that (and apologies again) I'm afraid the possibility of a wife in the background occurred to me too Hmm Either way, is it really worth all this hassle in such a new relationship?