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Original poster

He won't have proper sex with me

163 replies

Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 09:13

Have namechanged for identifying reasons. Apologies in advance for TMI Blush

I've been seeing a new guy for a month ish, and three times now it's got to the point of being naked in bed, foreplay, but then he wants to stop. At first I thought it was because we were both tired but the third time happened last night and to be honest I'm thinking of giving up and calling it off. It's making me feeling really shit and that's not what you want in a new relationship is it?

Am I being unfair? Someone explain this to me Confused

OP posts:
HoHumming · 05/01/2017 21:27

It sounds very similar to my experience as in my previous posts. I think some of these guys are players!

KatherinaMinola · 05/01/2017 21:50

From your update I am going to guess performance anxiety.

I've had the same problem with a few men. The reasons were:

Married
Catholic
Sexuality ishoos
Performance anxiety (thankfully resolved - the others never were...)

whirlygirly · 05/01/2017 22:19

Oh god, it all sounds way too angsty to bother with. A one off I could understand, dp was a bit nervous when we got together (without any particular reason, just the pressure of expectations I think) but to do that 3 times is just plain messing you about.

Unless you're really into him, I wouldn't stick around to try and solve the puzzle. It shouldn't be so complicated early on.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 05/01/2017 22:20

Is it going to be like that thing with Phoebe in Friends where the man she was seeing wouldn't have sex with her until she had reassured him that he would never have to call her and she wouldn't get all clingy, and she didn't realise it was a stitch up until afterwards when Joey said that guy was his hero?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/01/2017 22:27

Only you can know whether you think he is worth waiting for OP.

Insabbathstheatre · 05/01/2017 22:30

I agree sex in a relationship is really important - FWIW if I were you I'd walk away - my view he is likely gay (or at least not sexually compatible for you) - so go with your gut here - good luck and have fun!

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap · 05/01/2017 22:32

I suspect he can't have an erection with a condom, or just ED.

The catholic excuse makes me think, hmm...........really. I live in Ireland and I don't think I've ever met, dated, had a relationship with or brushed past a man whose catholicism prevented him from doing anything he wanted to do!

NYConcreteJungle · 05/01/2017 22:57

Has he had an orgasm?

wobblywonderwoman · 05/01/2017 23:18

Really two circle ? In rural Ireland I have come across this more than once

Mistletoeandwineandchocolate · 05/01/2017 23:26

I have lived in Ireland over forty years and have never ever come across Catholicism being used as a reason not to have sex or heard any girlfriends say it happened to them.

I have never heard of it either. I would assume if anybody said it to me, it would have been an excuse because they didn't want to have sex with me.

Lets face it, if a guy wanted to have sex with a woman, he would just have sex!

WannaBe · 05/01/2017 23:40

I don't buy that excuse. If he wasn't ready he would have had the conversation before getting into bed naked. So TBH I would stop sleeping with him until he can be up-front about where he's at. Actually I would probably get rid, not because of the lack of sex, that's actually not so important to me in the beginning of a relationship, but because of his lack of honesty.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap · 05/01/2017 23:40

Ah well Im in big bad Dublin.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/01/2017 23:52

Ah well then, Op, up to you whether you can be bothered finding out WHEN it would feel right. Not sure I could. With DH things were complicated in the beginning, I wanted to wait a while and explained why and he was fine with that but for that reason we just dated and didn't stay over in each other's beds. Worked fine, both v honest and we knew it was not because we didn't actually want to. "It has to feel right" is such an airy fairy open-ended response to your question that I'm not sure I could be doing with the angst or further questioning about what circumstances would make it feel right.

Meh.... I don't see any sign of you going "oh he so so nice and so fit etc etc". I don't see the enthusiasm in your posts.

scaryclown · 06/01/2017 00:01

I dont think this is that weird. Some people i've been with have been really penetrationy and some not so. I definitely know that often once penetratuon has started in a rel, sex can be rather tedious. .in that it is basically foreplay..then sex..then nothing. partners who have been really into oral and manual first have been more interesting in the long run.

for some penetration is more intimate and 'real' (babymaking?) and a progression from oral/manual.. and others, oral more intimate and a progression from penetration.

I also think that because of Internet porn, once it gets to the um shafting.. it can feel like a performance/ you are watching yourself rather than being fully present.

Try doing it in the dark traditional-like?

PullTheBricksDown · 06/01/2017 00:08

Going to ask the blunt question. Is he making you come, but just not through PIV? Or is it all stopping without that? It sounds like the latter, but you haven't said (sorry but you did say it was a TMI thread). I wouldn't see the former as odd, whereas the latter does seem like something that isn't that considerate and would benefit from some explanation.

user1234567890987654321 · 06/01/2017 00:20

My now-DH and I ended up in this situation - 2 months of cuddling/heavy petting/sometimes naked but no sex. i guess I felt it was odd because I was keen on it but he kept putting the brakes on it - but that's sexist right? Either person should have the right to slow things down if they want to. We eventually had sex 2 months in. When I asked him a while later why he'd waited so long he said he'd had a string of short term dalliances that led quickly to sex but then didn't go anywhere, so with me he wanted to wait until we got to know each other better. Worked for us I suppose, and I'd imagine we'd all be v supportive if it was a woman saying she'd like to take things with a new boyfriend slow.

Italiangreyhound · 06/01/2017 00:40

Ask him. It sounds like either there is an issue or you have different expectations. I think it could be either but you need to talk.

Some people wait a long time to sleep with a partner. So best to find out what is the reason.

HorridHenryrule · 06/01/2017 00:41

Your not on the pill are you using any protection. Is he using the pull out method?

HorridHenryrule · 06/01/2017 00:51

Sorry read a bit more of the thread. Is he a shy man or maybe he is not that into to sex not all men and women are. Maybe he is not the guy for you.

Formerpigwrestler9 · 06/01/2017 01:01

if you're just not that into him anyway maybe it would be best to let this chap go?

That way you can find someone who's more on your wavelength and so can he :)

Gallavich · 06/01/2017 07:02

In your shoes I'd be confused, embarrassed to initiate anything else sexual and on the back foot. Not where I want to be at the start of a relationship.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 06/01/2017 07:16

i read your post curly.

You said op has to have it out with him - not true

It wouldn't be fair to dump him without finding out his reasons first - not true

You said she would have to lie about dumping him (why?) and that wasn't 'grown up' - not true.

I can't understand this mindset of encouraging a young woman to stick with her very new boyfriend even though he can't communicate effectively and makes her feel like shit.

She doesn't have to 'give him a chance' fgs.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/01/2017 09:05

Sorry, birdybirdy, but I was of the impression that MN was all about giving your opinion and telling each other what we would do in the same circumstances. So you writing "not true" in response to all my points as if it's fact is a bit silly. Of course you are entitled to your own opinion of how YOU would approach it.

We'll have to agree to disagree. I don't think you sound like a very patient or understanding person. Sometimes new relationships have niggles that have to be ironed out. It doesn't have to be a fairy tale from the off, quite often things are complicated. Misunderstandings can happen. Some people have had traumas in their life or other issues that they find it difficult to discuss. Plenty of people have come on this thread and told us about issues with their DH when they first got together and how they got past them.

I find it staggering that you would think it preferable to not bother wanting to try and get past the point of any niggles. What would you advise if a sexual problem arose in a very long term relationship that also made one partner "feel like shit", and it caused a problem with communication? It happens. Couples work through it together - they don't just give in at the first sign of trouble. Although it sounds like perhaps you would.

Presumably OP doesn't feel that "shit about herself" if she was in contact with her bloke since she first posted.

Although as you've probably seen from my later post I've pointed out that from what the OP has written there is a general lack of enthusiasm for the whole relationship coming across, not just the sex issue. It just doesn't sound worth pursuing in that respect. There is no "oh my god he is amazing in every way, but this particular thing is a problem, how do I tackle it? I really want to make it work as I think it would probably be worth it" coming across in OP's posts.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/01/2017 09:08

As for advising to dump this bloke because of he is reluctant to communicate..... well, wasn't that OP's problem too? So many replies were flabbergasted that she just hadn't ASKED him what the issue was, including mine. I would say there were communication problems on BOTH sides.

JohnnyDeppsfuturewife · 06/01/2017 09:18

I think if someone came on and said 'my partner has dumped me because I didn't feel ready for sex even though we've been naked together' we would rightly be critical of that person and say 'you've dodged a bullet there.'

I get that op has the right to split up with someone for any reason but clearly she was invested enough in the relationship to get naked with him and now might end it because he isn't ready for sex?