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Original poster

He won't have proper sex with me

163 replies

Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 09:13

Have namechanged for identifying reasons. Apologies in advance for TMI Blush

I've been seeing a new guy for a month ish, and three times now it's got to the point of being naked in bed, foreplay, but then he wants to stop. At first I thought it was because we were both tired but the third time happened last night and to be honest I'm thinking of giving up and calling it off. It's making me feeling really shit and that's not what you want in a new relationship is it?

Am I being unfair? Someone explain this to me Confused

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/01/2017 11:36

OP, it wouldn't be fair on him to dump him without getting to the reason for his behaviour. I mean if you're going to avoid the issue altogether during the dumping then presumably you're going to have to make up a reason for dumping him. Which isn't on when you're a grown adult! What are you going to use? The old "it's not you, it's me" line?

You HAVE to have this out with him! Presumably you're very attracted to him, so why would you not want to get to the bottom of it all?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/01/2017 11:39

Look, it's easy, you do it when sex is off the agenda completely, so just when he's round at yours or something but not staying the night, or when you've gone for a walk in the park or whatever. If you need a drink to build up the courage to ask then do it!:

"You know the other night and we were about to have sex and you stopped it saying "we can't". Well, could you explain what you meant by that?"

birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/01/2017 11:41

It's perfectly fair and 'grown up' to dump someone because you're not happy.

Absolutely bizarre to suggest otherwise. They've been together four weeks!

BertieBotts · 04/01/2017 11:43

She doesn't HAVE to do anything. She can walk away from the relationship if she wants to. He isn't owed a relationship or a chance or anything. It's her choice. Likewise if he decided he'd had enough he's also entitled to walk away.

Why would you have to make up a reason to dump someone? "It's not working for me" or "I don't feel like it right now" is perfectly fine. You're not obliged to keep a relationship going if you don't want to.

Mummamayhem · 04/01/2017 11:49

Guilt. He's got a girlfriend/strong religious views or an sti.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/01/2017 11:53

Why would you have to make up a reason to dump someone? "It's not working for me" or "I don't feel like it right now" is perfectly fine

Those are about on par with the "It's not you, it's me" line and both of your suggestions are made up reasons seeing as the real reason she's breaking up with him is because he won't have sex with her. I'm pretty sure he'll know this is the reason why though.

If OP can't be bothered to find out his reasons which may actually be very genuine/upsetting then he's probably better off being allowed to meet someone who wouldn't be quite so dismissive of him.

trulybadlydeeply · 04/01/2017 11:54

OP - please ask him why before ending it though - we all need to know now Grin

OnionKnight · 04/01/2017 11:57

So you'd rather dump him than ask him? Hmm

If you're getting naked with someone you should be able to communicate with them.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/01/2017 11:59

My God. I find this staggering.

They've been to bed three times and he hasn't been forthcoming enough to explain why he can't have sex.

And she would be in the wrong for saying, "It's not working for me"?!

Wow.

Evergreen17 · 04/01/2017 12:00

Writer noooo Grin

BertieBotts · 04/01/2017 12:03

People really need to stop conflating relationships with a sense of personal worth.

If she's not into him enough to look harder for explanations then it's not worth continuing. That doesn't make her a bad person. That doesn't make him a defective person. His reasons for not having sex are completely irrelevant because it's not about him being inadequate. It's just that the OP isn't that invested in the relationship to put time into it which is perfectly fine.

Nobody needs to be all offended on his behalf.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/01/2017 12:05

They've been to bed three times and he hasn't been forthcoming enough to explain why he can't have sex.

Because OP can't be bothered to ask....

BertieBotts · 04/01/2017 12:06

Also, she doesn't want to break up with him because he won't have sex. If it was as simple as that, she'd ask.

She wants to break up because she feels like it's too complicated and she's not that into him to make it worth chasing the complications down. Which is totally fair and a normal response a few weeks into a relationship.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/01/2017 12:06

That doesn't make him a defective person. His reasons for not having sex are completely irrelevant because it's not about him being inadequate

Though I'm pretty sure he'll feel like this after OP has ended it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/01/2017 12:10

If she cares enough to start this thread then she cares enough to surely be be able to ask him. Then she cab decide if it's something she wants depending on the answer.

If she said it was a ONS and it just didn't happen that's when you shrug and get up and go and forget about them.

It's entirely possible he is just wary of making sure he doesn't push her into anything.

She absolutely can wall away anytime she wants as can he and neither have to continue if sex drives are too mis matched.

But of she can have him sleep over and see him multiple times and perform all sorts of sexual acts on him she cab ask one question

birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/01/2017 12:10

Some women like men they can fix, I get it.

A straight forward guy - the kind who would maybe be good in a relationship - would say, 'honey, I've got herpes, I'm a virgin, I'm not into penetrative sex, I'm nervous, I've got erectile dysfunction, I'm...blah blah'.

I couldn't be arsed with this (unsatisfying) mystery man.

As for, 'its not working for me' or 'I'm not happy' not being a good enough or honest enough reason to break up with someone after a month (and no shagging!), well, I really dunno what to say to that...

BertieBotts · 04/01/2017 12:18

It's unfortunate if he takes it personally but that's not really the OP's problem. It's a problem with how we look at dating. Nothing will change on that front if everyone pussyfoots around trying to hang onto relationships they aren't interested in just to save someone's feelings.

Plus I think it's more insulting if they stay together because she feels too sorry for him to break up with him, TBH. Better to be honest. (I'm not into you/this isn't working out is honest.)

Original poster
Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 12:59

In my defence I'm both disappointed and genuinely interested in the reason (and would be empathetic if it was upsetting etc) but I feel like a month in and there is already an issue.

Feel like I'm going to be judged here but sex is a really important element to me, and although I probably will ask him the reason before I potentially end it, I feel like that exciting bit of sex at the start of the relationship has already been ruined, and I already feel a bit Confused

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/01/2017 13:15

he's not so spectacular that dating needs to be hard work in the first month

Maybe one month is too early for him. Some people have a minimum time period before they DTD.

Why not just stop initiating and see what happens.

Original poster
Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 13:20

He has initiated it every time, I have responded positively.

OP posts:
DoubleCarrick · 04/01/2017 13:25

A month really isn't long at all. The whole "we can't" thing, might just be that it's too soon. FWIW, I slept around a little when I was single but when I met DH, I waited. I didn't want to sleep with him soon, it felt different.

We did everything but and shared a bed on numerous occasions but I told him I wanted to wait.

We had sex for the first time after about 8 weeks and I'm glad we waited

aforestgrewandgrew · 04/01/2017 13:33

Either erectile dysfunction or an STD IMO.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2017 13:38

He has initiated it every time.

^^ Then you could say "I don't think you're quite ready yet" or actually ask him if he'd rather wait till a certain time or what the reason is.

In the past, I've told guys I wasn't ready. I was happy to kiss /touch, but didn't feel ready for going the whole way.

Gallavich · 04/01/2017 13:50

Maybe one month is too early for him. Some people have a minimum time period before they DTD

I think it's weird as fuck to think it's ok to get naked and sexual in bed but it's also too soon to put the penis in the vagina
What's the difference?

birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/01/2017 13:58

I agree gallavich, and it's beyond weird that he is unable to make the words 'it's too soon' come out his mouth either.

Still it works for some. Genuinely can't believe the posters here saying op should stick around because she hasn't got a good enough reason to finish it.

Really, is this what people tell their dds?

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