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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't have proper sex with me

163 replies

Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 09:13

Have namechanged for identifying reasons. Apologies in advance for TMI Blush

I've been seeing a new guy for a month ish, and three times now it's got to the point of being naked in bed, foreplay, but then he wants to stop. At first I thought it was because we were both tired but the third time happened last night and to be honest I'm thinking of giving up and calling it off. It's making me feeling really shit and that's not what you want in a new relationship is it?

Am I being unfair? Someone explain this to me Confused

OP posts:
Ohdearducks · 04/01/2017 10:40

You need to have a discussion with him, ask if everything is ok as he seems relectant in bed.
Be understanding and supportive, he obviously has a reason and it's obviously something he probably finds hard to talk about otherwise he'd probably have said something by now.

Original poster
Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 10:40

I was so disappointed and confused at that point that I just didn't ask, I don't know why

He's also definitely not married (I've been to his, he never checks his phone, Facebook etc.)

I'm going to have a chat with him and then weigh up how invested I am in the relationship based on his answer. He's lovely, but I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with issues like this - I am a fair bit younger too (24)

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 04/01/2017 10:41

Just ask him! It's not being inconsiderate, you just want to know.

You don't need a reason to break up with somebody. If you're not happy move on.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/01/2017 10:41

He's lousy at communication, that's for sure.

Joysmum · 04/01/2017 10:43

Just ask him. It could be any number of reasons and you're wasting your time and emotional energy trying to guess.

babybell23 · 04/01/2017 10:43

Not saying this is the case for you. But like a few others upthread I've experienced something very similar to this ("we cant") and it was a way of "not cheating" on an existing partner by doing everything except PIV.

Though "we can't" could also indicate religious reasons?

On the other hand, he may have trouble maintaining an erection with "someone new", my exDP had this when we first got together. It was a kind of performance anxiety I think. It actually went away completely once we were more comfortable with one another, if that makes sense, and was never an issue again.

Agree with others, you need to ask him

OnionKnight · 04/01/2017 10:50

You need to ask him, random people speculating won't resolve it.

cheesecadet · 04/01/2017 10:52

Just ask him why he said it.

broodybrooder · 04/01/2017 10:56

A friend of mine had a similar situation - the bloke kept avoiding penetrative sex and whenever she tried, he'd go down on her to distract her.

Turns out he had a problem with his foreskin and it hurt him. He'd had long term relationships but apparently his partners had been satisfied with his preferred method Hmm

It's actually quite an easy problem to get fixed apparently but he'd been too embarrassed. She's still with him - she sent him off to the doctors and I believe it's getting sorted.

The only other reason I can think of that hasn't been suggested so far is...is he a sperm donor? Grin

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 04/01/2017 10:58

Why didn't you just say "why not?" when he said "we can't".

Why are people so incapable of basic communication??

Gallavich · 04/01/2017 11:01

When he said 'we cant' I'm surprised you didn't ask 'why not?'
Sorry folks but to get naked and sexual in bed then to stop before penetration is odd behaviour. It smacks of cheating or a guilty conscience for some other reason imo.
I've been with men who have erection issues and we still have sex, just not penetration. By which I mean certainly I will have an orgasm and probably him too if he's able (manually). It's strange to just stop and cuddle. If you're not up for a sexual relationship then naked foreplay isn't really on.

Evergreen17 · 04/01/2017 11:04

This happened to me twice.
First I was the OW and I didnt know (guilt + in his head that wasnt cheating!) Hmm
Second he had a latex reaction problem and would go down with condoms
Ask

lottieandmia · 04/01/2017 11:05

There are loads of possibilities here but it does sound like a nightmare. Does her actually get hard but then not want to do it? Or does it not even get to that stage? is it possible he's discovered he has an STI and is getting it treated but doesn't really want to tell you because he's ashamed?

Certainly it could also be some problem with ability to maintain an erection or premature ejaculation. Or it could be something else such as abuse in his past.

dollydaydream114 · 04/01/2017 11:05

Why didn't you just say "why not?" when he said "we can't".

Why are people so incapable of basic communication??

Because not all delicate situations can be easily resolved by asking brisk/blunt demands of people. I think it's very easy to say 'Oh, just make him tell you what the problem is' and think it's that simple - but it isn't. Situations like this are nuanced and awkward and both parties are worried and of course in a new relationship she doesn't want to upset him by forcing him to talk about something he might find uncomfortable. For all the OP knows, he might be incredibly anxious or traumatised for some reason, so I can understand why she doesn't want to keep asking about it.

Yes, they need to talk, but that conversation won't be as simple and probably shouldn't be as blunt as you're suggesting.

Isadora2007 · 04/01/2017 11:15

Nope sorry but it is as simple as talking. How can you get naked with someone and then not be able to ask why not when they say they can't have sex? Even if you begin with "it's not a huge problem if you don't want to have sex but it is a problem if we can't talk about it..."
How about talking about it instead of getting naked in the first place? Just so you at least know where this is all going or if there is a Problem.

DebtfreeEarly2018 · 04/01/2017 11:16

Could he be gay or bisexual?

Or still in a relationship?

Or have a low libido?

You need to ask him directly

Original poster
Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 11:21

to be honest it's all sounding a bit much (any of the reasons apart from him wanting to wait) - he's nice but I'm leaning towards calling it quits.

I know I might be being a bit of a cow but he's not so spectacular that dating needs to be hard work in the first month Confused

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/01/2017 11:21

Well a guy who is incapable of explaining why he cant have sex is not for me- and I wouldn't recommend him to anyone else.

Evergreen17 · 04/01/2017 11:22

Ohh OP give the man a chance! Ask him Smile

Evergreen17 · 04/01/2017 11:22

Oh if you have already asked and got no answer then yes, I would walk again tbh

birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/01/2017 11:22

Why a cow? You're perfectly in your rights to dump him- (I would have after the first night)

Writerwannabe83 · 04/01/2017 11:23

Ohh OP give the man a chance! Ask him

Yeah, because we went to know his reasons even if you don't, haha Grin

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/01/2017 11:23

Is there chance that he's has an sti that's having a flare up or something, herpes etc? Other than that religious issues?

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 04/01/2017 11:28

dollydaydream114

Sorry but it really is that simple! For me "why not?" is a much more normal (not awkward or blunt) response to "we can't" than just saying "okay" or saying nothing at all. Now THAT would be awkward!

"we can't"

"okay, goodnight".

Wtf??

C8H10N4O2 · 04/01/2017 11:33

I'm of the same view as reallyanotherone.

You need to talk to him - if you are comfortable being naked in bed, discussing contraception and ready for sex you should be able to talk to him about the 'when'. Just ask him straight out if he doesn't feel ready and what would make him feel ready or if its something more fundamental (like sex being part of marriage or bad previous experiences).

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