Craving Male Attention

[Minkii]

I am married but I have always craved male attention. I lost a lot of weight about 3 years ago (I gave up chocolate and exercised) I am flirty and funny and love attention. I know it is wrong so I do not need to be told off. I don't have any male friends who have not tested the waters with me. I have had all sorts of dalliances with men. Work colleagues, bosses, my husband's work colleagues, friends' husbands, men from POF, basically men I come across on a daily basis. Lots of men I think are happily married, the ones I think I'm safe with, that my flirty banter will just be a laugh to them, but then they change. I can see the moment it changes in their head, there's almost a loud popping noise as they realise I could do more than just smile and chat to them. I know I am sad, that my actions are wrong, but it is addictive. I have not ended any marriage, I stop before they suggest that, but a lot of them do fall. I am expecting a torrent of abuse, I get understand that, but am looking for answers, help. Have you been this woman and how did you sort yourself out? My Dad left when I was 8, not an excuse but of course that contributed. My friends think I'm out of control, that I am addicted to attention. I know that too. Thank you

Your poor husband. Another poster asked / told you to advise him to get a sexual health checkup.

You should REALLY take that on board.

Whatever faults he has (whether real or imagined to justify your behaviour to yourself), he deserves to know what you've exposed him to so he doesn't inadvertently infect any future partners.

Yes, you have low self esteem, Minkii, as others have said and I'm sure you already suspect yourself.

I also have suffered (am still) with low self esteem and while it hasn't led me to do these particular harmful behaviours in the past, it has definitely made me behave in stupid, high-risk ways which I couldn't understand in my own head because they just don't make sense. So to an extent I understand and can sympathise.

You were asking here for ways forward, so I will share one of the ideas that helped for me.

You think carefully through the sort of person you would like to be in an ideal world. Now start thinking about all your behaviours (everything you do in your life) as either keeping you on track towards becoming that better person, or other behaviours that move you away from being that person.

For example I want to be a healthy, happy woman and a positive role model for my children, but also suffer from an eating disorder. Every time I feel the impulse of my eating disorder strongly, I try to focus on the fact that that behaviour would be taking me away from some very important long term values. There are blips but you need to make the effort to learn what
Caused them, and then reset your course back towards becoming that better person.

Understand that I am using the term "better person" not in a judgemental way, because literally you are the only person who can decide what that might be, for you.

I do see parallels because your sexual behaviour seems somewhat compulsive insofar as it's not highly considered, and you don't seem to understand where it fits in with Who You Are.

Put simply, self esteem building, at least until you get a therapist, might be aiming to cut down on doing activities that cause you shame. As your self esteem grows as a result of living to your values (even with blips along the way) your impulses will get fewer and less powerful.

But it's crucial that you do real work to figure out what's underneath all this for you, because life will always through up little triggers. It sounds like you have a sex addiction and to be free you will need to go into recovery, which is a lot of work on yourself and your past.

I hope this helps.

In all honesty I cannot understand why many posters here cannot be detached and non-judgemental when it comes to affairs.

Alcoholism - fine, drug addiction - fine, addiction to crap men and depressing sexual experiences - the knives come out.

It's really immature. And also rather misogynist ironically.

I'm indifferent to your behaviour op, but have rtt and it all just feels like a massive dramatisation of a non-issue.

It's not a proper addiction. You're just a crap person who gets a kick out of a particular type of attention and doesn't mind who gets hurt in the process.

It's not like smoking or alcoholism or drug addiction, you could just stop if you wanted to.

A bit like someone saying they get a huge thrill out of parking in disabled bays, or shouting mean comments from car windows, or being rude to shop assistants. Nasty and hurtful. So just stop instead of pretending it's some pseudo addiction or personality disorder.

And to everyone saying it's down to her feeling unloved at home (every cheater's excuse ever) : I suspect her preoccupations make her very emotionally unavailable to her dh. On some level he knows something is wrong in his marriage, no matter what efforts she makes at home. If she put as much effort into her marriage as she does chasing men, her marriage might be in a better place.

It is an actual thing.
But I think at a certain age some behaviours are ingrained and harder to change.
I had a lot of the 'bad stuff' happen when I was very young and lost. I've lost myself a little bit a few times since but I know its controllable. All addictions are. No one is a victim of their own choices and decisions. Alcoholism is selfish and destructive and you lose yourself. Promiscuity is a taboo subject. There isn't much support for it. It's quite common. Then being a hidden subject - made into something less awful by the likes of pop stars and the ladette era, it kind of became cool. There's often an empty person behind it who is defiantly trying to find something to make them feel good.its selfish no one can deny

I don't think OP will return