Craving Male Attention

[Minkii]

I am married but I have always craved male attention. I lost a lot of weight about 3 years ago (I gave up chocolate and exercised) I am flirty and funny and love attention. I know it is wrong so I do not need to be told off. I don't have any male friends who have not tested the waters with me. I have had all sorts of dalliances with men. Work colleagues, bosses, my husband's work colleagues, friends' husbands, men from POF, basically men I come across on a daily basis. Lots of men I think are happily married, the ones I think I'm safe with, that my flirty banter will just be a laugh to them, but then they change. I can see the moment it changes in their head, there's almost a loud popping noise as they realise I could do more than just smile and chat to them. I know I am sad, that my actions are wrong, but it is addictive. I have not ended any marriage, I stop before they suggest that, but a lot of them do fall. I am expecting a torrent of abuse, I get understand that, but am looking for answers, help. Have you been this woman and how did you sort yourself out? My Dad left when I was 8, not an excuse but of course that contributed. My friends think I'm out of control, that I am addicted to attention. I know that too. Thank you

I think I understand your situation OP. Part of it is low self-esteem, as in, people only like you for what you can give them (sex or the possibility of sex) rather than for who you are. This is why the 'minds' of men are of interest to you - a man gives attention because you present a sexual possibility - all nice and clear and you feel in control. When you observe some men 'falling' its probably because they realise that you have poor boundaries.

But there will be some people who like you for who you are, even if you don't believe it. Luckily the persistent ones will stick around and you will start to feel likeable for who you are.
Otherwise, time will take care of it. Eventually you will reach an age when most men won't see you as a sexual possibility. You won't believe me now, but it's rather nice! Good luck.

MotherTeresasCat I'm not talking about all men, I'm talking about the type of men who the OP is flirting with in order to boost her ego. They are not after a relationship with her they are after the no strings sex that she is offering.
She is using them to make her feel good, they are using her for sex.
Neither have feelings for the other, they are both focussed entirely on what they get out of it for themselves.

A woman can have sex with a man whenever she wants to, but if he is already married or not talking about going out together then he may just be after the sex.
There's nothing wrong with that if both people are single and have been honest with each other about what they want.

Men are perfectly capable of meaningful sex, but those who are looking for that, would not be having a no strings shag with a married woman.

Seems to me, judging by this post, that you like attention from women just as much.

Leave your husband and start swinging. you can fuck who you like then without the pretence of being a mess.

Op wouldn't be interested in swinging

That is far too open, honest and trusting

She gets off on the deceit

Don't give me the attention then. Move on to another post.

Anyfucker please stop assuming you know what I am thinking or feeling.

Have you thought about getting divorced and then seeking an open relationship? That way you can get as much male attention as you want.

It would also mean your partner could seek all the female attention he wants as well.

Or you could find a cuckold for a relationship. A man who gets off on you being with other men.

All the therapy in the world may not have an effect on you. You might need to accept that this is who you are. So try and find a man who accepts it or be single and have all the male attention you can get.

Would you mind if your husband had other women?

Why are you are just focusing on the arguments of this. I for one have given you advice

You know you are morally corrupt and that many people will find this behaviour distasteful and offputting. It will drive away people you care about if you are not careful. Ultimately you can only seem to put your own needs and wants before the consequences of how anyone else might be affected by it.

Like any addiction nothing is going to turn up on your doorstep one day and magically cure it. It takes hard work and insight. Willpower and determination. Without fighting it you have no chance of changing

I've posted in a relationship forum. Does it mean everyone who posts is attention seeking? Everyone who has sex is into swinging? If you don't like what I am posting, move on. Don't let my behaviour wind you up. Go help someone you have empathy for. Use your advice skills for someone who will benefit.

BumDmc I know you have giving me advice. Early on I commented then I stopped and just read the advice. I can respond to any of the comments. Please don't tell me what I am focusing on. I am taking all comments on board. I am aware that people will not be happy with my behaviour so I am holding back on commenting on everything. There has been some very good advice for which I am grateful. People are saying exactly how they feel and I can do the same. I don't have to sit and take it all. I'm not in front of the Headmistress.

Here's the thing that confuses me though MyWineTime. If sex with OP or any other woman outside the marriage for that matter is so meaningless - if the man doesn't even find her that sexy and attractive and is just taking advantage of an opportunity that has presented itself, then why oh why would he risk his primary relationship with his best friend who he apparently does fancy and have meaningful sex with? Doesn't make sense does it? Risking something that means so much for something that means so little.

This is what broke my friends marriage ultimately. Her husband had a short affair that she tried to forgive. But in the end she said it was the fact that her husband wasn't even bothered about his affair partner that killed it for her. If he'd fallen in love then she could have understood. But to throw all those years of shared history and best friendship away for a quick shag with someone he didn't even care about - she couldn't understand or get past it.

I don't get it either. It makes no sense. I don't believe orgasm and sex feels very much more sublime for men than it does for women. I wouldn't risk my world for someone I didn't much fancy and I don't know a single woman that would.

Lastly, if a man had sex with almost any woman who showed willing, and flirted and niced his way into their knickers given any opportunity, would he be "abasing" himself?

So are we only to post things that you agree with. That's not how it works. For what it's worth I have behaved in some similar ways to you when I was younger. My best friend told me I was being an arse, she was right, I ignored her, I was very unhappy as I guess are you. The people who are telling you that you are being an arse are the ones trying to help you.

I don't know why you are being so rude. Especially when people are trying to discuss these things. When you post something on an anon forum you run the risk that people will make assumptions and second guesses, and even harsh judgements because how the hell are people supposed to ever know the full picture even if you post 1000 posts we never will. So you want advice but it has to fit specifically into a frame that none of us are aware of what the frame is because we don't live inside your mind. Sorry you feel you are in front of the headmistress but I have been around long enough to know that you have shown no humility and that shows immediately, and that is why you are reacting the way you are to certain posts. People who show humility, regret, compassion, an urge to change and empathy tend to garner different responses.

I'm not saying you can only post things that agree with me. I'm saying you don't know what I am thinking so assuming I would be into swinging or that I have no feelings is off. I am not getting personal. I asked for help. You don't know me. You don't know how the men feel. I don't sleep with every man I meet. I have lunch with them, they tell me their problems, I tell them mine, then the line is crossed not always by me. I have told some to sort their lives out, love their wives and stop being idiots. I have not asked them to leave their wives. I know that if their wives found out I would get the full blame. The men would blame me totally. Not all of them are players. They are nice men who want attention too.

You think I'm being rude for sticking up for myself? I've been polite. I've listened. I haven't been rude to anyone. I understand that people have opinions. I have said I know it is wrong, my behaviour is totally unacceptable but I can also say when I don't agree. Of course you are entitle to think what you like about me but I can answer back.

Oh my you are a belligerent one arent you?
You'd get far better advise from a councillor

But wait, you tried that and tou didnt like what they said so you binned them off.

Ive not been on here long. But you are, by a country mile the biggest, most self centred, narcissistic fuckwit ive seen posting.

I trust youve told your husband to be tested for every communicable disease known to science?

Just stop doing these things? Have you considered that?

Op you said you've had counselling. Were you honest with the counsellor?

Ok as a teen I was like this.

I still have shit self esteem but it manifests in other ways.

My feeling was wanting to be wanted but not just that but being wanted by someone I thought never would.

I just felt I needed to be attractive and sought after to matter.whst changed?

Time and growing up.

Plus sex and intimacy of that Calabria isn't the only way to feel appreciated.

Helping X when she can't get to the shops, dropping in Ys thing they left at your house - this is a way to act to show compassion and in return you'll have a lovely friend who will bake you a cake for your DC or fix your car for free because they care about you.

Yes you give them something but it's usually your time and compassion, nothing physical.

If you aren't happy in your marriage then please leave. You can find someone who will want that intimacy with you.its not nice not feeling desired by your partner but it's never OK to just cheat and not only that, but cheat with someone you are close to's partner. It shows a lack of self respect but namely that you don't care about the friend.

Let me ask you a question. What would be your ideal?

As in, if you could magically make everything how you'd like it to be, how would it be?

DH wanting you? Open relationship? To actually not want to seek attention all the time?

There's a lot to take in with the last few posts. Not been called a fuckwit in a while so just absorbing that word.

I knew Mumsnet could be brutal but just need to consider Wherearemymarbles words as she she really meant them.

Omg Op please save your husband heartaches and please leave him nothing excuses that type of behaviour

Minkii my honest impression is that you have managed to get away with this behaviour for a long time because the men probably have more to lose than you really. They don't want their wives to find out. However, one day your luck will run out and people, including a wife, will find out. You have no way of predicting how a wronged woman will react. I know on mn people talk about the wife taking the higher ground over the ow but mn is not the real world and women I know would have no issue confronting someone like you face to face. It doesn't matter if you've done nothing physical - your behaviour would be enough. I would kindly suggest you stop this now to ensure no hassle of this nature in the future.

BumDmc Have you given something up by just stopping. I've never been a smoker. I know it takes willpower and a want. After today's incredibly real advice, yes, I will try and just stop. This has been a slap in the face. I'm noit being sarcastic. I asked for help and I've received all sorts of advice.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I didn't think I was hostile, but you really did tell me what you thought. My next request for help will be a less provocative one.