Craving Male Attention

[Minkii]

I am married but I have always craved male attention. I lost a lot of weight about 3 years ago (I gave up chocolate and exercised) I am flirty and funny and love attention. I know it is wrong so I do not need to be told off. I don't have any male friends who have not tested the waters with me. I have had all sorts of dalliances with men. Work colleagues, bosses, my husband's work colleagues, friends' husbands, men from POF, basically men I come across on a daily basis. Lots of men I think are happily married, the ones I think I'm safe with, that my flirty banter will just be a laugh to them, but then they change. I can see the moment it changes in their head, there's almost a loud popping noise as they realise I could do more than just smile and chat to them. I know I am sad, that my actions are wrong, but it is addictive. I have not ended any marriage, I stop before they suggest that, but a lot of them do fall. I am expecting a torrent of abuse, I get understand that, but am looking for answers, help. Have you been this woman and how did you sort yourself out? My Dad left when I was 8, not an excuse but of course that contributed. My friends think I'm out of control, that I am addicted to attention. I know that too. Thank you

Kondos, I didn't think you were being horrible. You are being straightforward and honest. I was asking you a genuine question.

Ah well, OP. That's no way to live.

If your partner doesn't desire you or make you feel desirable, it's understandable that you look elsewhere.

I suspect that if you had a good sex life within a relationship and a partner who made you feel desired, you'd be far more content. And you'd have less energy for the chase . The

I think you have very low self esteem and that's the root cause of the issue. Of course it's nice for someone to find us attractive, to be flirted with, to be complimented . But basically it sounds like you are out shagging anyone who asks basically and offering it on a plate, and that's got to be because of low self esteem, most women would not abase themselves like this. So I suspect it's a vicious circle you're in.

Try to stop it at flirting next time. And try to be honext with yourself, it's not about the moment they realise you will have sex with them or a fascination into how men's minds work , or even feeling happy when told you're sexy, as you proceed to go and actually have sex with them, so it's about a need in you, to feel desired and wanted that clearly you don't feel otherwise

So how do you build self esteem? How do I not flirt? What should I do instead?

I think here is fine but I don't think it can do the heavy lifting that counseling can and which you might find helpful.

I think it's fairly normal to enjoy the chase in sexual attraction (leaving aside the issue that you prefer to 'test' married men) but the bit that seems missing from all your posts is your own desire, none of this seems to be about you enjoying either the individual men or the sex that follows. You aren't in it for the positives but just as an exercise to prove that men find you desireable - at the every least, you seem to be missing out on enjoying yourself while you are jepordising your own marriage.

No problem op. AS soon as I read the op I thought of my old buddy, I'm not entirely sure what she has done with her diagnosis but she seems to have more awareness at least. I didn't really understand it till I came home and googled it myself. She has managed to forge a career out of it though, modelling and reality tv work suits her need for attention/showing off her sexiness to the ground. Not that I'm suggesting you go the Big Brother route or anything

I second the suggestions of Codependents Anonymous, although I don't know much about it myself; I had a friend who swore by it for this kind of problem. It sounds like it's worth looking into.

I think it's great that you've recognised an addictive element to this. I also wonder whether being in a relationship where you aren't getting anywhere near enough sexual attention (by the sounds of it) is keeping you slightly "starved" of it, so that you're more inclined to "binge" when you do find any.

Best of luck, anyway, I do think you can make a better life for yourself.

I just re read it, just questions, not meant to sound aggressive, sorry

The sex is the end result. I enjoy it but I don't open my eyes. I don't look into their eyes so I don't give my everything. I think I'm cold. They don't notice that. They're getting what they want. If they want to get closer, I end it. I want intimacy but then I don't. I know it's messed up. I know I am. I know counselling is about talking through all this. Thought this is a start. Probably not the ideal forum but I went with it.

Where is your husband when you're having these dalliances? Are you not concerned it could get back to him?

If your partner doesn't desire you or make you feel desirable, it's understandable that you look elsewhere.

The fuck?

Well of course it's understandable.

Maybe not A Good Thing. Maybe not healthy in the circumstances but perfectly understandable.

We are sexual beings. We crave intimacy and approval and love and sexual satisfaction. All perfectly natural.

I believe you need to explore counselling again, look harder and work harder at it. At some point you may find a counsellor that can help because all the right ingredients will be in place.

At the point you close your eyes, those guys are looking at you differently.

You need to do two things: get into counselling with a therapist you can trust and respond to, and join an addictions group. As you have correctly surmised, you have effectively substituted another addiction for eating in an attempt to fill your emotional hole. I second the suggestion of Codependents Anonymous.

Think of the person who has been in your life who has most effectively motivated or inspired you to change as a model for what kind of therapist you are looking for. Some people want someone really warm and accepting, others need tough love. I respond best to empathetic ass-kickings myself. Shop around - do initial test appointments till you find someone who feels right.

Thank you, I really appreciate all the advice.

Can you recommend another more suitable forum

I'll send you one via PM. It has a better gender balance and you will get more insight into your requirement for validation.

Men intrigue me. How their minds work.
It's fairly simple with the ones you are getting involved with, they tell you that you are sexy because they can flatter you into bed. They don't care about you and they don't mean it so the experience never fills that void inside you that you are trying to fill. They are using you and your are using them so it is all fairly empty and meaningless.

Thank you Sandy

Op i know exactly where you are coming from.
I have had many years of counseling.
I know the damage it causes, the guilt, the sheer stupidity of my actions.

Thank you Doesn't,

How co you build self esteem? I don't know to be honest, but I think a good therapist may know. I don't think you should stop flirting to be exact, but it's the following it through to sex which I think is damaging you.

I think you also need to look at your real views and beliefs about gender and men as superior. It comes over to me that you see men as better than women and more interesting. I get hit on by men and I'm very very gay. Lots of men will shag anyone, you're not special. You find this behaviour intriguing, I find it revolting and insulting. Have a look at this a bit deeper

I don't think men are superior at all, but you're entitled to your opinion. I didn't know there was a gay scale and someone could be very, very gay as opposed to gay. Learnt something new, thank you.

Very as in obviously so. Your sarcasm is touching. Thanks.

you just sound like a shitty person. Theres no challenge to getting a man to want to fuck you. It doesnt make you special. The look you see when they change, is the look of someone realising they could get an easy shag