Minkii, I hear you. I really think that MotherTheresasCat has something in her posts that are striking a chord. I haven't experienced the same as you have but there are some parallels and I can certainly understand the craving for 'acceptance'. I think that when we don't get this from our parents (my dad, for example), it strikes a blow from which it takes a while to get up; and we might be winded for a long, long time. That sounds a bit trite but it's the best way I can describe what I mean.
Our parent's love is supposed to be unconditional and to not have that love unconditional - or worse still, at all - is a terrible betrayal to a child.
There's a thread on this board, I can't remember which one, but it refers to the pain of the 'inner child' and how important it is that this child is listened to and acknowledged. I'm fairly stable and happy in my life but this is something that is a bit like a horcrux for me (using Harry Potter analogy), I'm not quite whole and ought to be. So I'm going to look into this for myself, some counselling just to 'dot the i's and cross the t's'.
I think it's unfortunate that you didn't get on with your counsellor, Minkii but there are others out there and perhaps you could arrange to visit a few to see if there is one that you click with and whose language and tone resonates with you?
I absolutely understand your flat tone here; it's akin to the disembodied, self-preservation language associated with female prostitution. When you think about the debased image that has, along with the blotting-out with drugs, it's really understandable. None of this is making you happy, Minkii, you just think it is. That's very sad - and false - and I really hope that you will reconsider counselling again. As Kondo said upthread, this forum is great but it's not equipped to do the heavy lifting that good counselling can.
On here, you will have posters here projecting their own experiences of having been in the same position as the wives of some of your men... and you won't get a deeper understanding or acceptance for that reason so acknowledge the limitations of this board and take the points that make you want to look into them in more depth perhaps?
You can take some time off from the frenetic validation-chasing too, you know. Just a bit of quiet time to reflect and put in place some plans that will ultimately bring this painful circle of repetition to an end. You can't do this on your own, you need some help to do that so apply a bit of energy in that direction. 