Craving Male Attention

[Minkii]

I am married but I have always craved male attention. I lost a lot of weight about 3 years ago (I gave up chocolate and exercised) I am flirty and funny and love attention. I know it is wrong so I do not need to be told off. I don't have any male friends who have not tested the waters with me. I have had all sorts of dalliances with men. Work colleagues, bosses, my husband's work colleagues, friends' husbands, men from POF, basically men I come across on a daily basis. Lots of men I think are happily married, the ones I think I'm safe with, that my flirty banter will just be a laugh to them, but then they change. I can see the moment it changes in their head, there's almost a loud popping noise as they realise I could do more than just smile and chat to them. I know I am sad, that my actions are wrong, but it is addictive. I have not ended any marriage, I stop before they suggest that, but a lot of them do fall. I am expecting a torrent of abuse, I get understand that, but am looking for answers, help. Have you been this woman and how did you sort yourself out? My Dad left when I was 8, not an excuse but of course that contributed. My friends think I'm out of control, that I am addicted to attention. I know that too. Thank you

Is it as simple as you are seeking out other men because you are in a sexless marriage?

Yep, I resorted to sarcasm after being told I'm nothing special. Was an instant reaction as we're being brutally honest.

I never said I was special. I am sarcastic and shitty. I am aware that it is wrong. I don't have sex with strangers. I do not look for sex, I look for attention . My post was asking if anyone else does this and how they changed. I'm asking how to deal with an addiction.

Have you just come on here for a scrap, op ?

To get people to tell you how shitty you are ? To warn women in marriages that they think are invulnerable to cheating ?

To extend your feelings of superiority ? I am surprised you have any female friends left, tbh. The irony of that is you need female friendship much, much more (yes, I am emphasising that point for effect) than you need the sexual attention of dodgy men

It seems like you would throw the former under a bus for the latter. That is quite sad.

No, of course I haven't come on for a scrap. I have been civil throughout this thread. I reacted to one comment which I can if I choose to. People are expressing their feelings as am I. I'm not warning anyone. Women like me exist and I was asking how not to be this way. You didn't have to comment but you have chosen to. Thank you for your input.

I wonder how you'd feel if someone like you approached someone you were in a loving relationship with,. Someone you trusted and believed would be faithful to you. Can you imagine the devestation you would feel as that is what you are creating. As an aside, you seem to objectify men rather than see them as equals.

we all know women like you exist. Its not a new story.

You probably cant change. It just sounds like thats how you get your kicks. Most women dont have to try so hard not to be a cunt thankfully

But you aren't interested in other opinions, such as mine. I was suggesting you look at your deep seated attitudes /ideas and it appears you aren't willing to do that. Staying on superficial levels with your feelings doesn't work

I am interested in all opinions. Some started getting personal. I have been in relationships where they have cheated on me. When people start affairs they usually do it for selfish reasons without thinking about the consequences. Each party makes that choice. I am looking for help. You don't have to be so aggressive with your comments. I'll get defensive just as you would.

So many gloaty, cheating twats have posted on R'ships this past few days. Something about the Christmas break and their MM being with family so they need to post on MN for attention?

People can ask for help. Doesn't have to be gloating or attention seeking. You don't have to respond if you think they are attention seeking as you're giving them the attention.

You clearly have all the answers already, minkii

I wasn't trying to provoke anyone. I know this post will make people angry if they have ever experienced betrayal. I wasn't gloating or warning, I was asking a question. I reacted because I did

Have you spoken to your husband about this? It may be helpful if he knows how you feel. And maybe during parts of conversations that may have gone a little too far with flirting etc you could change the subject and completely shut down any attempts to resume them. I also think it may help if you start doing something else you enjoy on a regular basis :)

God these threads make me depressed. The OP - I would venture to say - has some kind of mental health issue. The symptomatic behaviour can be unpleasant but she's taking steps to try to address it. Why did you call her a cunt Branleuse? It's so unnecessary. What's your problem?

As for all the posters saying the men don't mean it when they say they find her sexy - they just want to get in her pants. That lots of men will shag anyone. Ok, so when does sex for men have any meaning then? Are all those posters having meaningless sex with men that don't care or desire them? Or is it different for them because...

Lastly, if a man had sex with almost any woman who showed willing, and flirted and niced his way into their knickers given any opportunity, would he be "abasing" himself? Would he be a poor, tragic creature?

Seriously, the internalised misogyny on this thread is unreal. And I'm not even talking about the OP.

Thank you Fables. We are currently having counselling. Will work on non flirty behaviour. This has been an eye opener and I am listening to people.

Thank you MTCat. You covered everything. I know you are not defending me but are showing respect for my post.

Ok, so when does sex for men have any meaning then?
When they are in a relationship and have genuine feelings for the woman. The OP is putting sex on offer. The blokes who respond to that (especially the married ones) don't care about the woman, they just want the sex.
No, the bloke isn't a poor victim. He's doing it because he likes sex and it's available. Not all men, just the ones who would say yes when it was easily available with no strings.

So men only really desire women they are already in a relationship with and whom they love/care for. Otherwise, they don't fancy her at all, they just want to have sex, even though there's no attraction. Bollocks. You don't believe that?

I've name changed for this. I used to be like this, something I'm not proud of. What was it all about? Pain , I suppose. Feeling wanted, feeling special. Needing validation.I particularly recognize this statement "i know I like men who love their wives and are great Dads". Is there a bit of jealousy in that Op?

I think it's similar to self medicating with alcohol or drugs. I was a mess when I was like this. I was really an empty shell, completely dependent on these interactions just to feel ok.

Also if your theory is true, MyWineTime, then when would it be prudent for a woman to have sex in a new dating relationship if she wishes not to be "used".

Because surely, unless the couple have been together long enough to agree exclusivity, grow feelings, and make a commitment, the man has no attraction to her whatsoever and is simply putting his dick in a convenient hole?

Get a book called Facing Love Addiction, it's about co-dependence, or that thing that you do when you use relationships to fill a gap in you. Also find your self a therapist who has training and experience in co -dependence and addiction.

How often do you have full sexual health checks OP?

Do you have children?

I was a little bit like you for a long time, but with single men although I have found myself floating dangerously into the flirty married man attention territory once or twice, but I have pulled myself out because it makes me feel ashamed and awful and my conscience bothers me enough.

Fact is you are looking for something and not finding it so you keep looking. Your brain knows the meaningless flirting and sex isn't 'it' but it feels nice at the time and exciting.

You need help with your self esteem and self worth.

It is true that using willpower and learning to feel being truely alone is one of the answers to breaking this cycle. You aren't a helpless victim of your own mind you choose to do it. You need to choose not to. And then deal with the 'why'. As long as you continue you will not be able to stop. To stop the cycle you have to avoid the situations, don't drink out socially, stop using social media to facilitate it - go cold turkey and find something new in your life whilst working on your self esteem with a counsellor.

I was also like this, pre marriage and kids. Apart from going for unavailable men, the op sounds exactly like me 10 years ago. I bounced from one bed to the next, in the desperate, addictive search for emotional stability and a secure attachment. My dad also left, after providing me with a very unhappy childhood. I'm sure there are plenty of us around. Just because I'm not doing it any more, doesn't mean I've healed that part of me...
Will be following this thread with interest.