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Original poster

2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

999 replies

aleC4 · 01/01/2017 21:19

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 25/07/2017 10:30

They still have ow shoved on them at all opportunities as she is there every Friday night and Saturday morning when they are. They feel pushed out and feel as though their wants and needs are not put first

OMG is he STILL doing this? It's going to end up that they don't want to go to see him (and no doubt you will be blamed).

Have I remembered right - he is a teacher isn't he? You'd think he'd have more child empathy than this. (Sorry if I've got that wrong).

If you ever read through your old thread and this Ale it must feel amazing how far you have come. I think you said you were taking the dc abroad on your own this summer too - hope you all have a brilliant time. (Are they going away with their father?)

Original poster
aleC4 · 25/07/2017 23:19

Yes Kaitlin, he is still doing it believe it or not Sad
Both of them have asked if they can have a Friday night without her sometime and both got told no and were made to feel terrible for asking.
He is a teacher, we both are. He works with some pretty screwed up kids and still he doesn't see the damage he is doing. It is unbelievable really.
I do feel as though I have come a long way, I can't believe it is nearly a year. On that day I will reread both threads just to remind myself how far I have come.
Before that we have a lovely week abroad to look forward to together.

OP posts:
Startoftheyear2017 · 29/07/2017 22:44

Tricky few days for me Ale so I re-read your last thread. So many amazing people posted comments. MN is truly fantastic.

Original poster
aleC4 · 07/08/2017 13:32

So dc have gone on their first trip away with their dad, ow and her two youngest kids.
Bit pissed off that he chose to go this week, meaning they get back the day before we go abroad. I made it very clear I wouldn't be providing any clothes/shoes for the trip.
Ds really was dreading it as he doesn't get on with the kids and hates the way his dad acts around them all,
I have told him (maybe I shouldn't have) that if he is desperately unhappy ring me and I will go and get him, they are only half an hour away.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 07/08/2017 13:41

I think I would have done the same AleC - a week can seem like forever when you are only 12 (?). I don't suppose you are worried about offending Ex and OW. Wink

I really hope that all 3 of you have a whale of a time the week after next! Do come and update us afterwards won't you?

Original poster
aleC4 · 07/08/2017 14:05

Thanks Kaitlin. They have only gone for two nights. They told him they didn't want to do any more than that! Wink
We go on Thursday.
Already I ah stressing about them getting back in one piece. Ow doesn't drive so get and her two dc have travelled there by bus.
Ds has just rung be to say he and dd are at the campsite on their own with all the studs while ex picks up the others from the bus stop! Not happy about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 07/08/2017 14:12

All the stuff not studs!!

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 07/08/2017 15:12

Why couldn't he have gone camping with OW and her children whilst you were away and just taken his own 2 away for a few days and given them some of his individual uninterrupted attention for a change? They would have enjoyed that much more than this. I hate all this enforced happy families - I am beginning to think he has no empathy with his own dc at all. Am not surprised you aren't happy.

Hissy · 07/08/2017 15:16

He's 12. he is not alone, he is OK and he has you to talk to if he feels anxious.

They won't be long. Try not to put issues there that aren't there. At the end of the day the important thing is that the kids have a good time away and if they HAVE enjoyed themselves, to be able to say so to you.

I can't imagine how you feel, but try to think about helping the DC feel happy.

(((hug)))

Hissy · 07/08/2017 15:17

enforced happy families is a little subjective, IF his dc aren't that unhappy being with their dad and even with OW and her DD, it's hardly enforced.

It is only 2 days, which in the greater scheme of things is a good idea, just enough, but not too much.

Original poster
aleC4 · 07/08/2017 16:15

It is enforced happy families.
They have ow forced on them every single weekend and never have any time alone with their dad.
They are still so angry with their dad and he is doing nothing to help them work through their feelings. Ds especially is still just as angry and emotional as he was a year ago when it all happened.
Ow's dd is horrible, I have met her. For some reason she has declared that she hates ds. Out of my two he is by far the most approachable and instantly friendly. Nobody dislikes him, he is genuinely a lovely boy. He doesn't understand her hatred of him.
Ow's ds is a bit younger and very clingy to his mum.
Dd tries hard with other dd but is coming Stanton told what to do, bossed around and treated not very nicely.
I never bad mouth their dad and try really hard to help them find the positive in all the situations they moan about or anticipate - it is very hard sometimes.
It is just so difficult to see your children hurting. They genuinely feel as though they are bottom of the pecking order when they are all together. They say their feelings are not co suffered and they just have to do what ow (and her kids if they are there) want to do.
I know I only have their side of the story but others have noticed it too. My mil (ex step mum) told me that when they were all out together ex only cared about what ow was doing and wanted and pretty much ignored the kids.
Believe me I would like nothing more than for them to have a happy, fun time with him and a good relationship. But that is not the case. He doesn't see it but he is pushing them further away with every visit.
I just wish he would listen to them a bit more and think about their feelings. It makes me so sad to see the sort of dad he has become.

OP posts:
mickyblueyes · 07/08/2017 16:52

Unfortunately there is very little you can do when he has the kids. Keep doing what you are doing, you sound awesome. You sound like you are doing everything right by not badmouthing their dad, you don't have to because his actions speak louder than words and kids aren't stupid.

keep being the 'sane' parent, your ex is an idiot. Your kids are very lucky to have you.

rightwhine · 07/08/2017 16:57

I've just followed your journey from the beginning.
I've heard so many similar stories. Mainly the devastation to begin with, then the wonderful strength that you don't think you have when they first leave, then the shocking lack of emotional intellegence these men have.

Well done you and pleased that you yourself have a good/better life now. It's just a shame that it's the kids who suffer, especially when there is no need for it as there is in your case. Handled correctly he could still have a great relationship with his kids. What an idiot.

Greengrass1 · 07/08/2017 17:01
Flowers
Original poster
aleC4 · 07/08/2017 17:51

You're right, he could have a great relationship with them.

Despite all he has done, deep down they still both want a relationship that works. They love him, he's their dad.
However he's not the dad he was and they find that very hard to deal with.
They love him deep down but neither of them like him very much a lot of the time.
He was ds's hero, they did so much together. Now he is much closer to me.
On Saturday he told them they never consider anyone else's feelings just because they hadn't tidied a game up.
Oh the irony. Sad

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 07/08/2017 17:54

He is showing no emotional intelligence or empathy towards his children - and sorry to harp on about this, but this surprises me because of his profession. (I am a teacher too). My younger DS (now in his 30s) had a form tutor like this when he was in Year 7. He treated him abominably imo and when I eventually questioned the guy the reasoning behind his actions would have been laughable if it hadn't had such a damaging effect.

Years later, long after my son had left school, I accompanied a Year 11 basketball team to play against my sons' former school and this guy refereed. None of the accompanying staff could believe what an idiot he made of himself, and I felt completely vindicated about my opinion of him.

I fear that your Ex might be similar - but with his OWN children! (I hope I am doing him an injustice).

Hissy · 07/08/2017 18:00

Oh love, I'm so sorry!

Your ds doesn't have to go with them and he doesn't have to stay.

Your h is a fool.

Sadly so many men like him are.

Give your ds a huge hug from me?

Again, I'm so sorry.

You sound like an amazing mum, one who real will enrich your dc life.

Hissy · 07/08/2017 18:01

You can't make the choices for h, all you can do is be there for your kids and they will know you love them

Original poster
aleC4 · 07/08/2017 20:39

Had another phone call from ds.
He's ok. He said they have been on the playground a bit (not his favourite thing to do so proud of him for making an effort!) and him and dd have been playing some ball games.

Ow's dd has already been horrible to him and is apparently complaining that everything is boring.
He is doing what I told him and doing his best to ignore it. I think it will be a long three days for him but I think he will try hard to stay positive.

OP posts:
Hissy · 07/08/2017 22:03

Poor thing,
He doesn't have to go again if he doesn't want to.

Looks like ow dd doesn't like playing by the rules either, wants everything to herself ...

Original poster
aleC4 · 07/08/2017 23:29

I don't feel tired tonight even though it's late.
I know it's because I am worrying about them. Stupid I know. They're 10 and 12 but they're still my babies and I'm fiercely protective of them now.

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Original poster
aleC4 · 08/08/2017 05:55

The pouring rain woke me at 3am and I have been tossing and turning ever since.
I hope they have good tents. Sad
I know my two won't have enough clothes if everything gets wet. He hasn't bought enough clothes for them to last more than a couple of days.
I hope they are ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 08/08/2017 08:35

I think if it was me I'd be packing up now. Get the kids home in the warm and dry and ask for their ideas if some fun things to do inside for a day. Maybe set the tents up in the house and camp indoors?
Still do all the family stuff - board games, hot chocolate, maybe a film they all like.
This weather is dreadful. They were meant to be going to a local attraction today which is 90% outdoors. The kids have raincoats but ds's is really only showerproof. They have one jumper each.
But ex is so bloody stubborn he will not give in I bet. Tempers will be frayed because of lack of sleep and I wouldn't fancy traipsing round outside with 4 wet grumpy kids who don't want to be there.

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mickyblueyes · 08/08/2017 12:04

I thought that Cary2012 wrote an excellent post on the previous page about them being so wrapped up in forcing "Happy Families" they don't actually stop to think if thats what the kids actually want. To us it's so blatantly obvious that the kids just want time with the parent and some normality.

I gave up trying to convince my ex that the kids need time to adjust, process what's happened. Your ex like many others lacks empathy, cheating is an act that lacks empathy, he has the inability to understand how the kids might be feeling in all this.

My kids were introduced to the AP after 3 months, and when the AP died they were introduced to the new partner 2 months later! When i confronted my ex I all I get in return is that "Kids are adaptable and resilient etc..." My kids are 11 and 16 and although my 11 year old does as he's told and doesn't really complain my 16 Yo is staying with me more and more.

I can see the friction and resentment my 16 yo has towards my ex and although most of the time they get on, there are quite a few occasions where they fight. On the other hand my relationship with my 16 yo has blossomed into a lovely happy one, filled with fun and laughter and although occasionally I have to enforce some discipline its done in a non confrontational and adult way. Just keep doing what you are are doing, play the long game and leave your ex to suffer the consequences.

Original poster
aleC4 · 08/08/2017 13:47

Ds managed to find a signal and message me this morning.

He said his sister was really crying in the night in bed but his dad wouldn't let him comfort her. God knows what that is about but it has made me so mad.
When he took her to the toilet block later she told him ow's dd had been pinching her and shining the light in her eyes. 😞
When he messaged me at 11.30 they had 't gone out because the others didn't want to get out of bed.
They have nothing to because their dad told them they wouldn't need things like a book, card game or colouring. There is not much phone signal and dd hasn't got one anyway.
Roll on tomorrow afternoon.

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