2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

Thanks guys, I knew I'd get words of sense here.
Cream cracker you are brace giving it another go. I admire you for your dedication. It's not something I could ever do.
I have absolutely no feelings for my ex whatsoever now. I miss being part of a couple but I don't miss him.
He has proved what sort of man/father he is and I have had my eyes opened to someone I really despise.
I will never ever forgive him for what he has done to my children. I have had ds on FaceTime in tears again tonight, third Friday in a row.

@yohoohoo I just read your post again. What a lovely person you are. Thank you.

AleC4, my dc is similar age so I really feel for you having to cope with your ds being upset.I suspect age/hormones is a factor as well as the separation.Does he miss you when at his dad's?

Aw bless you aleC4.

I do understand how you feel, especially this time of year.

It is still relatively early for you, and generally you're doing very well.

I too still feel a pang when I see couples together, I felt it yesterday in the supermarket of all places. A lady about my age was being helped to unload the shopping into the car next to mine by her partner, and he said 'let me do that love, you get in the car, I'll take the trolley back." And I was struggling to get my stuff in the boot, and yes it hit me again that I do stuff alone and it is bloody hard. I'll spend half term sorting the house out, lots of gardening and chores, mostly on my own.

But it's better aleC4. It's preferable to the alternative of being in a marriage with someone who doesn't want you. I get the odd hour here and there (like now, on my tablet in the conservatory which is furnished entirely to my taste with a coffee in my favourite mug) and really enjoy being on my own. I savour it, being single. I am my own person, I please myself, there are no eggshells to walk on, no ego to boost or massage.

And like a pp said above, those couples in the pub garden, or those couples having a bbq could be as miserable as sin. It's easy to look back through rose tinted specs and think 'Oh we would have been having a bbq, and sharing a drink and putting the world to rights', and feel a pang. But follow that through...when I do I remember us in the garden, bottle of wine and him constantly checking his phone...or him throwing one bag of groceries in the back of the car, leaving me with the rest. Or me suggesting a family bbq and doing all the work whilst he went along with it under sufferance.

God I've rambled! Sorry. I do all the things either alone or with friends. It's different, it can be sad, but it's fine. I have other interests that I would never have considered if my life hadn't been forced down this path, and that aspect is great.

My dear departed Irish grandmama used to say, "It's better to be on the shelf than smashed and broken on the floor Cary, so it is..."

She was a wise lady, so she was!

Have a good day sweetie, see this stage as a transition. You'll meet someone worthy of you when the time is right.

It's amazing how strong we become when we have to for the sake of our children. Alec you are sentiment to this. Im myself going through "stuff" and like many of us I suspect in your thread watch sliently, causiously taking it all in what you've gone and are going through and your beloved children bless them both. Last August I found messages DH had sent to an OW...my world fell apart...I wont be the first and I certainly wont be the last to say but "I never in a million years thought he would ever do this to me and our DS". He swears blind it was flirtaious and he enjoyed the attention ... no excuse in my book. He pleaded and said it was a huge mistake and should of never happened. At the time my DS was about to start secondary and was really nervous 3 weeks in he got bullied...quite bad by a year 10 kid. It was awful and not a great start to a new school...my heart broke again. Not using this as an excuse but HE became my priority not DH or me...to see my only child so disturbed and emotionally hurting something I'd never seen before in him...how on earth could I rock his world and turn it upside down by kicking DH out...it made me seeth to think I had the power to keep him from hurting as a result of my DH actions. Then 4 weeks later....kills me to even say this as it seems like a dream still...my best friend in the whole world whom Ive known for 46 years died....she took her own life. The pain Ive felt over the last few months has been unbarable but Ive got up every morning and dealt with it all.

So DS is ok at school abd getting there, we've had my friends funeral, as executor Ive sorted most stuff out..so Im now back where I started with DH although I hate to admit it but I couldnt of got through the latter without him. We've spoken, Im stronger and dont think anything could shock me now...all my ducks are in a row. Ive told DH Ive stayed as a couple because of DS and the circumstances arou d the timing of everything. I will never firgive him never trust him and he has wiped out 21 years of wonderful memories. I feel sad but my friends death makes me sadder so does the hurt my DS went through.

Not sure where life will take me maybe..most probably he will do it again but my DS's getting older now Ive gone through enough to know I can keep going but I listen to you...look at how youve coped and at times of melt diwn how youve got through it. I find you very inspiring Alec...keep going my lovely

By the way...Im not posting for a roasting or a LTB, Im wanting Alec to know that she, in my eyes anyway, is an inspiration to many of us ...

yohoohoo, she is an inspiration, this topic on MN has always filled me with admiration for the strength and resilience of so many who are going through similar.

I still pop in and post 6 years after going through similar to you, because when I was going through the hell myself, posters helped me, so I try to help now, not that I expect I do really, as a kind of thank you.

It does help to know that others have been there and come out the other side. It does help to draw strength from the support.

I do get what you're going through, my best friend died suddenly a month before I threw ex out for cheating. We had been married over twenty years. I didn't grieve for her at the time because I was trying to get my kids through the break up. The grief followed a year later. I think I could only cope with one load of hell at a time.

Good luck to you, start your own thread perhaps? We can help you.

Thanks Cary and yohoohoo.
Your posts made me smile and well up at the same time.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend yo, and in such a devastating way as well. I can't imagine how hard that must have been.
Your story is similar to mine in that my ds also started secondary school a couple of weeks after his dad walked out. Thankfully he wasn't bullied and settled well although he did have a big fall out with his bf from primary school and that hit him hard. He is happy at school but he is a different boy.
His dad was his hero, they shared interests and did a lot together.
He feels very let down by his dad and we are a lot closer as a result.
We are going abroad this summer on our first foreign holiday as a three and I can't wait. It's money I should have spent on the new windows but new windows do 't make memories do they?

Nah...you will never look back and say, "God that was a great summer when we got new windows...' but you will as you say make great memories on your holiday, so enjoy every minute x

I've got a day with the dc today before they head off to their dad's for two days tomorrow.
I think we'll just have a day chilling out and relaxing. Maybe head to the park if the weather stays nice or a film if not.
I do actually love the fact that I can decide what we do without having to consult anybody else. We make a lot of decisions together now and it's really helping my dc to learn about compromise and give and take.

We've had a lovely day today working in the garden. I am determined to make it a lovely place to sit and have that glass of wine.
It's times like now when the kids are here but busy upstairs with their own stuff that I miss having another adult in the house.
Bank holiday is such a family time and everyone all over fb is doing stuff together.
However, I do feel content in my home and I know I am very lucky to have my amazing kids.
I do sit and wonder whether I'll ever meet anyone else? I'm not sure I'm easy to start looking yet but it would be nice one day.

AleC one day you will meet someone as strong and fabulous as you. Your children will look back on these times and be immensely proud of everything you have done for them. The memories you will make on your holiday is just the beginning of new brighter, beautiful, untarnished memories. It is hard being a single parent (& usually the one trying to do the right thing!) and it is often lonely, but it's so much more rewarding than being with someone who is a cheating scumbag. I too have been through an awful time (& have NC) and the support here has been incredible. You are awesome and as pp have said, inspirational. For you and all the MN support team

Thanks weatherbomb, I really don't feel inspirational and awesome. I usually feel like someone who is making all of this up as they go along!
The kids go to their dad's tomorrow for two days so I have a bit of me time.
I have a lot of plans for things to do round the house and garden and lots of work for school but I'll take it easy and do it at my pace.
I'm looking forward to it.

Alec4 - hope you don't mind me commenting here. My DH left me 8 weeks ago. Said he wasn't happy anymore, hadn't been for a while, he had been trying to sort his feelings out but no longer loves me like a wife. Etc etc. we have been together since we were 17. 15 years, 2 lovely children and he's just gone. To say I have been devastated is an understatement. I can't make sense of any of it. But I have spent hours last night and this morning reading your thread and I can't tell you how much it has helped me. I am so sorry you went through this but even to know you aren't the only person who suffered - and survived! - this helps so much. I think you are amazing. I wish you much happiness in life.

Sherbetdip I am so sorry to hear that. Your story sounds similar to mine.
If my story has helped just a little then I am so glad.
I posted here in the first place just to get my thoughts down as I genuinely thought my head would explode that first night.
It has helped me far more than I ever thought possible. I have had so much amazing advice on here and oriole have been so lovely.
I can't believe it is coming up to a year for me, the time has actually flown. In those early days I never thought I'd get here but I have and most of the time I feel good.
Please feel free to pm if you want to talk, I can only try my best to help others through similar situations.
My dc are off in an hour for two days so it will be time to recharge my batteries and get all the boring stuff out the way so we can have fun when they get back.

Me too AleC4, I found your thread in October last year and you have helped me so, so much. Just 3 weeks now until we tell our kids. Mediation underway, SHL in place, emotional baggage just beginning. My DH announced his plans as a bolt from the blue, just like yours. I often think of you. I want you to know how much you helped when I lurked on your thread. I'm dreading the next few months and especially that loneliness. Friends have been fab but they have their own lives and families. I don't want pity. Keep posting. Enjoy today.

Thank you so much. I may well message you at some point. It's been an awful morning here so far. Sat at my brothers with tears running down my face. I don't know how it came to this. Luckily I have family and friends to help me.

Hope your day gets better sherbet, I had many days like that early on. Sometimes all you can do is sit and cry to get it out your system.
Like you I am very lucky with the family and friends I have got. I have not lost a single friend in this and he has lost so many. All our joint friends have nothing to do with him now. Some tried but just couldn't get past his selfish behaviour.
He picked the dc up a little while ago and I felt really bitter towards him today. I found it really hard to be polite to be honest. I actually looked at him and felt disgust.

He is talking about getting own house now so he can have the kids 50/50. I'm in bits. Iv given the last 6 years of my life being a mum and wife whilst he has a high flying job, earns well, travels etc and now, after choosing to just up and leave me he wants to take our kids off me for half their lives. That truely is the worst bit for me in all of this. I know they will be well looked after with him but they are my world.

How can they do this to people? I can't understand it.

Get yourself to a solicitor asap sherbet.
I know it probably feels like the last thing in the world you want to do but it is so important to get some advice.
I'm here holding your hand, I know how hard it is.

Iv made an appointment to see solicitor but they can't see me until Monday. Had a text off him today saying he's lost his best friend and he can't sleep etc but he's lost the spark we had so he's "had" to end it. He said all this 8 weeks ago - and at the time I begged, pleaded, suggested counselling etc etc and he just says no to it all. No doubt they'll be someone else lurking in the background. Everyone keeps saying oh he's not the type...well I didn't think he was the type to leave his wife so I'm trying to be more realistic than that.

Arghh. How long will it be before I feel indifferent towards him? I want him to mean nothing to me. I hate loving someone who doesn't love you back...

Sherbet, I'm so sorry this happening to you and your dcs.Would your h be able to have the children 50% of the time realistically with work? Unfortunately this is often requested by men so they can reduce payments.
Over time their behaviour changes so much, you see the lies, or the selfish and manipulative behaviour and you start to realise this is now who they are and you dislike them.That's when the healing begins and you also start to enjoy the freedom of your new life.

At first the time separate from your children hurts but after a while you start to appreciate the time alone and you know you can be happy again.

Hermione I agree totally.
I was like you sherbet, I tried everything to get my ex to change his mind about leaving. He too said the spark had gone, he loved me but wasn't in love with me, I was a great mum - all the usual cliches. It was only 6 weeks before him and the ow 'became a couple'. Even then he didn't admit it to me, just left poor ds to tell me.
I absolutely despise him now - today more than ever for some reason.
It has taken time but over that time I have picked our relationship apart. From decisions and choices I make now, I can see that our 'happy marriage' wasn't all sunshine and roses. Little things kept occurring to me that I had done or gone along with for an easy life. At the time I would have laughed if anyone had said I was controlled by him but I have come to realise that to an extent I was.
I am happier now, at least in myself. I miss being part of a couple and having someone else to do things with but my kids are my world m and we have such a laugh together in an environment that is much more relaxed.

I think a lot of my hatred of him comes from what he has done to my dc.
They have had to go through so much. I have felt every bit of their pain/anger with them whilst he has sat back as if everything is normal. He still doesn't see what he has done to them and that I will never ever forgive.

Oh aleC4 your latest post really resonates with me. I am six years post split and I really thought I would have mellowed by now towards ex, and I have I guess in that I alternate between indifference and loathing towards him, whereas in the first year it was all loathing, so I understand how you feel.

I actually cringe if I see him, and think dear God, did I really let THAT break my heart. He is beneath contempt because he left his kids, it's as simple as that. Yes, he hurt me, but I always knew, whilst never thinking he would, that as a couple we could split. But it was the utter disregard for the wellbeing of three kids that floored me and killed stone dead any respect I had for him. It is awful, it is hell, the feeling of helplessness you experience watching the kids you cherish go through hell, trying to make sense of a broken home. He really thought they would be happy for him.

I admire people who split and become genuine friends. I am coolly civil, always polite, for the sake of the kids, but I will never in a million years be able to be friends with him. Not because he fell out of love with me, I forgave him that years ago, but because he left three kids and didn't move heaven and earth to maintain a decent relationship with any of them.

I know exactly how you feel, with bells on x

Sorry alec4 didn't mean to derail your thread here. What's hard about my situation is he left nearly 9 weeks ago saying he wasn't happy, then came back to "try" for a few days but was a rude distant arsehole) then left again. Then took 4 weeks "thinking" about that he wanted whilst coming here every day and seeing the kids etc. I was still washing for him and ironing etc. then I said enough is enough you need to make a decision and he told me it was over. So having already been a doormat for nearly 5 weeks I decided to get tough. Move on. Then he turned up crying a few times (VERY out of character) and he says stuff like he misses me and I'm a "brilliant person". He even asked me to go out to tea with him and the kids - getting my hopes up all the way along that there was hope. But today he turns up at 8am (his day to see the kids) and announces he needs to get his own house. So we are now 9 weeks down the line and I'm still as distraught as I was at the beginning. He has sucked me in and spat me out a million times over. And today - still making comments about loosing his best friend etc. it's like he is trying to soften the blow to me. Or alleviate his own guilt? Who knows. But I feel pretty pathetic and weak right now.