Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

999 replies

aleC4 · 01/01/2017 21:19

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 26/03/2017 11:50

I still would mention to your MIL at some point that the children are fretting at never having any time alone with their Dad. With any luck she will pass it on. How dare he foist the OW on them all the time. Arse.

Original poster
aleC4 · 26/03/2017 21:40

Well wonders will never cease.
Ex actually listened to ds yesterday and didn't take ow to his mum's today.
He told ds that it was her idea as she had seen him upset but not sure if that is just ex trying to make her sound like she cares.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 26/03/2017 22:51

That's an improvement anyway AleC - he must have been thinking about it since DD asked him. Pity he couldn't have been nicer to her about it last week though.

Original poster
aleC4 · 28/03/2017 23:17

I think dd has let rip a bit at him tonight.
A row blew up over something really silly and I think he was really angry with her for being so rude and angry.
Unfortunately he doesn't realise that the anger doesn't actually have anything to do with what happened tonight, it's pent up anger from the last 7 months.
Both of them are still so angry with him and they have never had a chance to scream and shout at him. It's bound to come out sometimes.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 29/03/2017 10:28

I hope they both have a right good pop at him - let him feel how furious they are. I also hope he tells you about it because he just can't understand why they would be annoyed with him - and then you can tell him!

Why should you be the only one coping with these outbursts when it is his fault they are feeling like this?

MsPavlichenko · 29/03/2017 12:33

It is also possible that his DM told him that Mothers Day, with his DC with him wasn't an appropriate time to visit with a new partner.

He seems so selfish it seems unlikely he would have changed his plans otherwise.

KOKO.

nigelforgotthepassword · 29/03/2017 16:49

Well hopefully it's done her good to get it out.and woken him up to hear it.

Original poster
aleC4 · 07/04/2017 18:11

So tonight I waved the kids off on a long weekend with their dad and grandparents.
I can't get motivated to do anything.
We've never been apart this long before and it feels wrong starting my holidays without them. Sad

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 07/04/2017 18:56

It's only a long weekend AleC - it'll pass really quickly and then you have the rest of the holiday. (I have already had half of mine - we broke up early). I would do some catching up stuff and have a nice peaceful time with a glass of something tonight and over the weekend and plan a couple of really nice trips/activities for when they come back.

Original poster
aleC4 · 07/04/2017 19:20

Yes I am looking forward to recharging my batteries actually. The holidays are pretty split so I need to really make the most of my days.
I am going away with them with my dsis, dbil, niece and nephew over Easter so that will be lovely. The kids are so e cited about spending time with their cousins.
I have friends coming tomorrow night for a Chinese and drinks - my treat for all the lovely things and diy they have done for me.

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 07/04/2017 19:38

I know how you feel AleC4, you are ok on one level, practical and getting on with it, but on another level it hits you hard because tjis isn't what you wanted or expected.

The first year is full of loads of 'first times this holiday has been like this' or "I'm not used to this free time' and 'last year we all did this or that.'

It's natural, it's an adjustment, it does get slowly easier. I hope it helps to know that I understand how you feel, as I'm sure many do. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
aleC4 · 07/04/2017 20:05

Thanks Cary, that made me well up. Your words are so true.
I cry so much less now. I feel settled, safe and secure in my own home and in my situation.
Yet it's the littlest things that make me feel sad.

OP posts:
Zofloraqueen27 · 07/04/2017 20:25

Hello Alec4 it was good to see you posting again I have been wondering how you are. (I have name changed but have posted here before). Please don't let this weekend be a sad one for you - it is progress. You deserve some (a lot) of "me" time after your almost one horrible year. It will be good for you all to have a break away from each other. Re reading your thread I can see you have not had an easy time dealing with the aftermath of your (hopefully) stbxh on your family. Your children can have some special time with grandparents and you must treat yourself too. You need alone time to "please yourself" you hardly ever get time for that when you are a mum, let alone a single one dealing with all the demands of job, house, children etc etc. Just enjoy chilling out with a nice glass or two of fizz and get ready to entertain loyal friends. Soon it will be "back to work" and the day to day busyness will start again. Please be as kind and caring to yourself as you have always been to others. Please keep posting Alec as you wish. I am and always have been full of admiration for you and the terrific way you have dealt with your undeserved problems in the last year. I know better times are ahead for you. Go girl!

nigelforgotthepassword · 07/04/2017 20:50

Mine have been away since Tuesday-back Sunday.Ive really struggled this week for some reason-more than usual.
Lots of love to you-hope you find them to relax at least-even if it's not what you would have chosen X

Original poster
aleC4 · 08/04/2017 08:28

Thank you zoflora, you said some lovely things. I do feel as though I am stronger now. I have surprised myself at times with how I have coped so as you say, go me!
Nigel sorry you have been missing yours too. It's bloody hard. I think because we are both teachers, holidays were always deal family times because we were both of with the kids. I loved it then but it's only now I realise it was rather suffocating at times.
We should have been more organised Nigel, we could have had a single mummies meet-up without the kids - next time!

OP posts:
nigelforgotthepassword · 08/04/2017 17:54

Affirmative! We will plan better next time X

Original poster
aleC4 · 10/04/2017 23:09

They're back!
The house is full, noisy and messy once more.
We had some nice family time in the garden this afternoon and then played a board game after tea - I got beaten at Trivial Pursuit by my 12 year old!
It was lovely to snuggle up on the sofa tonight with them.
They enjoyed their break away which I am glad about. I think it has done them good to spend some time with their dad without ow there, it is a rarity nowadays.

OP posts:
Zofloraqueen27 · 23/04/2017 01:14

Hello alec4 - just wondering how you are. X

Original poster
aleC4 · 08/05/2017 17:19

Hi still here!
Things have been so busy round here recently, I keep struggling to find the time to post. I guess the fact that I am not relying on posting is a good sign.
Things have been ticking along nicely here. The kids are brilliant if up and down emotionally.
They are coping well and managing longer periods without outbursts but when they come they are still pretty major.
We went away for a few days at Easter with my dsis, dbil, niece and nephew. It was a lovely break and nice for the dc to have their cousins to play with, they get on so well. I think ds missed his dad a lot though. Luckily he is close to bil and he stepped up to the dad plate in more than one occasion.
Today it is dd's 10th birthday so we have had a busy weekend. I took the dc out for a meal on Saturday night then yesterday she had a party with her friends. I was spared having to have ex there as he took ds to a sports thing he had.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 26/05/2017 20:06

Does anyone else find it much harder being on their own when the weather is nice?
On nights like this dh and I would share a bottle of wine in the garden, put the world to rights and chill out. We might have a family BBQ or take the kids to a pub garden.
This weekend especially is hard as it is half term and we would always celebrate with a take away or family meal out.
Instead I'm sat here in the garden with a glass of wine on my own while the kids are at their dad's. I can smell other people's BBQ's cooking and feel really alone.

OP posts:
JellyBean31 · 26/05/2017 20:16

Yes Alec... Much harder when the weather is nice... I was desperate to get to a beer garden after work tonight but no one to go with!

Original poster
aleC4 · 26/05/2017 20:37

Jellybean I'll come with you!
I'm having one of those melancholy moments when all I see everywhere is couples or families out together having fun.
I am so lovely to have a big crowd of amazing friends but they all have their own lives and families.
None live within walking distance so can't pop round for a glass of wine.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself and sometimes you just have to allow yourself to don't you?

OP posts:
yohoohoo · 26/05/2017 20:48

Everytime I click on this category I always look for your title Alec. The other day I thought oh good life must be ok for her. Tonight you're here it's like a friend who Ive not seen for ages popping round. I still admire you and know one day you'll be sharing a bottle with someone who deserves you Flowers

SmokedGlass · 26/05/2017 20:49

You do aleC4 and it's good for you
I'm a couple of years down the road after a 30 yr marriage and I still feel like that especially when the weather is this good, you want someone close to enjoy it all with
It honestly gets better, I never thought it would, but it does

I've got a great family and lovely friends, old and new
I'm on my own this weekend but do you know what, I'm looking forward to it, and a big glass of wine (or 5) in my garden over looking the sea
Bliss

CreamCracker8 · 26/05/2017 21:54

hi Alec. Just to put another perspective, my situation was very similar to yours, similar timing, similar situation. But my DH ended the relationship with OW and we are now sort of giving it another go. But I'd started to enjoy my time alone and I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. I keep watching your thread and can't help feeling envious... In some ways I think it would have been easier if it was more straightforward. Make the most of your relaxing weekend and remember many of those 'family' BBQs will be full of passive aggression and seething resentment Confused