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Original poster

2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

999 replies

aleC4 · 01/01/2017 21:19

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

OP posts:
Clockwork97 · 03/03/2017 19:54

Hi Alec
As Nigel says I would say very little to him and keep it child focussed.
It will be a struggle, I would find it very difficult.
When there are the awkward silences I wouldn't say anything and let him fill in the gaps if I so wishes.
I certainly wouldn't be trying to make small talk with him to ease it for him.
How are you feeling.
How are the DC xx

Original poster
aleC4 · 03/03/2017 21:58

I am good thanks clockwork, and the dc are too.
We are settling now into what I guess is the new normal. Dd asked me today if anything will change when I own the house, they are both still very very wary of change. I said no, other than it will be all mine.
I will certainly not be making small talk at parents evening if I can help it. I will ask questions about dd and her work, and he can too if he likes. I can hopefully fill the time beforehand looking at her books.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 07/03/2017 06:37

Just nipping on to say my mortgage completed yesterday! At last! Finally I own my home.
I actually don't feel as elated as I thought I would. It has been exhausting waiting for it to happen but I do feel an overwhelming relief more than anything.
It's a daunting thought starting a mortgage for 25 years when we only had 9 years left before but at least I know I have the details unity for my family.

OP posts:
nigelforgotthepassword · 07/03/2017 07:17

It's a good thing op.
And also a tiny way along the road to some closure which is why it might feel less euphoric than you thought I guess-change of any kind, even where it's a good hi f ultimately can feel a bit disconcerting I guess.
Congratulations to you-it's defiantly something to be pleased about.

Clockwork97 · 07/03/2017 08:40

That's great news Alec.
It's another great achievement along this rocky road.
When we moved to our new home I thought I would feel elated too, but i think you don't because it's not really how you perceived your future , especially as you are having to increase the term of your mortgage which can seem daunting.
Just remember you have some security for you and the DC.
Your doing so so well xx

Original poster
aleC4 · 12/03/2017 22:54

Really really struggling with dd again at the moment.
Her behaviour is dreadful.
She is so rude to me, shouts, stomps around, slams doors. She has no respect for me, her brother or the house. She literally screams at me and told me she hated me this week.
That broke me. She was devastated afterwards but to be honest her sorrys are wearing this now. I have heard it so many times.
It is such a shock to me that she behaves like this. Ds has never even been a bit like this. Now I am struggling with how much of it is due to the separation and how much is just the way she is. She has always been hard work but not like this. She used to clash terribly with her dad and it's almost like now he's gone I've taken his place. Sad
She is going through a hard time with her friends at school at the moment too with them leaving her out of things. I've been sympathetic and understanding up to now but I'm beginning to think that if she treats them like she treats me and ds then I'm not surprised they din't want to know her.
I'm ashamed to say I said some horrible things to her today but I just feel at the end of my tether. I'm not sure how much more if this I can take. Sad

OP posts:
nigelforgotthepassword · 13/03/2017 07:09

My dd1 has ways been hard work and it really ramped up when she was your DD's age-pre teen hormones.
Dd2 is the same age as yours and again she has gone from being a very Sunny happy go lucky kid to being quite surly and rude at times, especially when she doesn't get her own way-she has never been like that before.With her I would say it's half and half, getting older vs effects of our situation-she has vocalised that she feels upset and anxious about it, but I wouldn't say that was what was behind last nights grump about me not allowing her ice cream for example.
I've just tried to stick to the same rules as before, and the same sanctions.But offered more talking about her dad if she wants it. I don't want either of mine using the divorce as an excuse for poor behaviour or seeing themselves as a victim of it.But at the same time I want to help if they need it.
It's so bloody hard!!
It's also hard to maintain your own temper but I'm sure all parents of tweens and teens feel that.ive found. This year, when i haven't been myself pretty tough on a parenting front.
Conversely dd1 has actually been slightly better lately-I think she feels oddly protective of me-which is nice but also pretty sad at the same time.

ponygirlcurtis · 13/03/2017 16:58

I recently bought a book called 'Get out of my life... But first take me and Alex into town' because my 10-year-old DS was becoming so snappy, confrontational and moody. It's not a book about strategies for dealing with teens and pre-teens, more about understanding why they are behaving like they are, what is driving them. The book talks about how girls often use communication and interaction in any form - including confrontation, shouting, manipulation. Whereas boys (it says) often retreat to their rooms and want as little communication and interaction as possible. It's a really interesting read. It's helped me not to take DS1's behaviour personally - he is going to be more of a female communicator, we have already had lots of dramatic door slamming and bed sobbing. Hmm

Original poster
aleC4 · 19/03/2017 23:08

That book sounds interesting ponygirl, I may have to invest.
So today I bit the bullet and booked a holiday to lanzarote for me and the kids for a week in August. I had promised myself I would do it but kept getting cold feet about taking them abroad on my own.
Today I thought, sod it. We deserve a holiday and a relax in the sun will really hit the spot. It will be a bit of a stretch to pay for it but money well spent I think.
Dc are ok, although there was a complete meltdown from them both when they got back from their dad's yesterday. They had been arguing all day, ds had had a disastrous shopping trip when he forgot his PIN number and it all just came out in lots of crying and anger. At times like that it all just seems so raw for them still. Ds was saying he feels emotional every time he goes in his dad's house. It doesn't help that ow seems to be there all weekend every weekend now. They are really craving some time alone with him but she doesn't seem to be able to be left on her own.
Dd said she asked him yesterday ( not in front of ow) if they could have time alone with him next weekend. Apparently his answer was a) you don't make the rules and b) why would you say that?
I give up. I have encouraged them to tell him how they feel so he is aware of what his selfishness is doing but he is obviously more thoughtless than I ever realised.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 19/03/2017 23:30

He is utterly selfish as you know. Also the dynamic of his relationship with you was unhealthy, and based (I suspect) on you doing what he wanted/needed, and you and by default DC accommodating him. Of course he expects this to continue.

It is sad. And in the long run he is the loser. Whilst you have to deal with it now. But you are doing the hard work of parenting (dealing with his crap too), and your DC will realise that (even if they don't show it yet).

Holiday sounds fantastic. Well Done You!

Clockwork97 · 20/03/2017 08:19

So glad you have booked a holiday Alec, it will be something to look forward too.
As for your husband, he is a selfish selfish deluded idiot.
How can he Not see that his children want some time alone with him. As for saying " you don't make the rules " , that is disgusting 😡
What a spiteful woman she is also, horrible that she won't go out to allow them to be with their dad alone (hmm)
Yes he will be the loser in the long run. Yes you will have to take all the flak from DC at the moment, but they will have little respect for him .
Your doing great Alec.
🌺🌺

Original poster
aleC4 · 20/03/2017 22:23

Thanks guys. I am so glad I've booked it. If we end up living on fish finger sandwiches for a month it will still be worth it!
I agree that ow should also, as a parent, have a bit more thought for my kids. She's already taken their dad away, now she's monopolising his time.
I definitely think that the more I think about it the more I think he needed to be needed. He can be quite insecure emotionally and I was always the strong, practical one. I am not a needy person, never will be and I think perhaps he had grown to resent my i dependence. Apparently ow is off work with stress at the mo - maybe she's realising he's not that easy to be with after all!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/03/2017 00:50

Apparently ow is off work with stress at the mo - maybe she's realising he's not that easy to be with after all!

Love it!

Mummydummy · 21/03/2017 01:10

Brilliant to hear from you again Ale. I remember your bolt out of the blue so well, I really felt your pain. I'm so impressed how well you've done - and now you have a holiday to look forward to as well..

Sorry the kids are having ups and downs - it might be due to what they've been through but I might also just be hormones and moodiness too. Those could've happened anyway. Big hugs... Over every hill we climb we get to see a new horizon. xxx

Original poster
aleC4 · 22/03/2017 06:17

Apparently he is taking ow to meet to meet his mum on Sunday. That should be interesting seeing as though last time I spoke to her she was completely disgusted at the whole idea of her.......

OP posts:
nigelforgotthepassword · 22/03/2017 06:26

Hope you are ok op-it's incredibly hard this sort of stuff sometimes.
And also infuriating that he is choosing to ignore his kids distress or even be subtle about the ow around them. I don't know how people sleep at night sometimes.

kaitlinktm · 22/03/2017 10:40

Actually I feel sorry for mums put in this situation by their sons. My brother did this to our parents. They avoided meeting the OW for months and then (when she was pregnant), he just turned up with her and they didn't know what to do (it was beyond their experience really). My ex SIL was furious that they hadn't just walked out of the restaurant and didn't speak to them for years. These men (well, people - I know women do it too) who follow their own desires above everything else, make life painful for everyone in their families (young and old).

My Mum dealt with it better than my Ex's mum though - who after spending a fortnight abroad meeting my replacement told me that she seemed very nice and Ex seemed very happy! Oh well - that's all right then! I hope your MIL doesn't do that AleC!

Couldn't your MIL suggest that he spends some alone time with his children? Just a thought.

Original poster
aleC4 · 22/03/2017 17:35

The problem is poor ds will be there too.
Dd and I have a day out that has been planned for ages so I asked ex if he could have ds. He agreed but now I find out about this. He told me he would take ds to see his mum as it is Mother's Day which I thought was a nice idea. Then ds tells me that ow is going.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 22/03/2017 20:52

I just don't get it - why does OW have to meet his mother? My bro was the same. It was as if he had at any cost to gain some sort of parental approval for this woman none of us knew. I suppose if your DS is there then everyone is more likely to remain polite but I would hate, as his mother, to have to meet OW.

nigelforgotthepassword · 23/03/2017 07:18

Jesus God.He's doing all this on actual Mothers Day? Well that will be a treat for his mum, Your ds and you all in one won't it? Nothing says you appreciate the women in your life like putting them in an extremely awkward and unpleasant social situation.
What a total tool.

Can you keep DS with you, or get our own mum to have him? He doesn't seem comfortable with it all really-and this situation isn't going to be easy. I know you can't pull rank and say you don't want your kids around certain people (unfortunately), but perhaps you could say you would sooner have DS for Mothers Day and hope that his dad will have some sense of what's right around that?

Original poster
aleC4 · 23/03/2017 15:24

Ds is torn I think.
I can't have him with me unfortunately. Dd and I are going to Liverpool for the British Gymnastics Championships and only have tickets for us.
He really wants to see his nanny as he doesn't get to see her much these days but I don't think he is looking forward to the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 23/03/2017 15:26

It's also 2.5 hours in the car each way, poor boy.
He would have enjoyed that time to chat to his dad and may have actually had a chance to tell him how he feels but never mind.

OP posts:
nigelforgotthepassword · 23/03/2017 16:36

Poor kid Sad
Bloody hell, 5 hour round trip Shock

Original poster
aleC4 · 25/03/2017 21:41

Ex is doing a grand job of pushing his kids away.
I feel so sad for them. Especially ds. They were so close, his dad was his hero.
I just can't understand how he can't see what he is doing.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 26/03/2017 11:48

I know it's a self-indulgent rant from me again, but I hate hate hate it that these people (the ones I know have mostly been men) who put their wants and desires above their own children and then expect everyone to like them just the same for it. He is being selfish and he will reap the whirlwind for it - from his children - when they start not wanting to see him. Your poor DS. I keep thinking about him today.