2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

Ah thank you golfingmum, that's really kind of you.
I do actually feel proud of myself now. And I do feel strong as well.
It has taken time but gradually I can see exh for the man he actually was. He had his faults, as do we all, but I loved him with all my heart. It is only now I can see there were cracks, and there were parts of me that didn't come out as he wouldn't have liked it.
I feel I can be much more my own person. I think we all have to compromise in relationships but I hadn't realised how much I was doing and how little he was.
I have just had my nail lady round to redo my gel - something I never did before and started quite soon after he left - so I feel nice and sparkly ready for my night out on Friday with friends.

So my first Valentine's Day o my own and do you know what? I couldn't care less!
I genuinely couldn't.
These past two days without the kids have given me an good opportunity to relax and be me, and I quite like being me.
Rather than the house feeling frighteningly silent, I have enjoyed the peace and quiet. Rather than cry about missing the kids, I've enjoyed the break from them to co cent rate on myself. Rather than clock-watching every long minute for their return, time has flown.
I do believe I am moving on, and I like it.
Today I had a lovely day shopping and having lunch with my bf. Then chilled and did a bit more clearing out this afternoon. Then to top it all off I went to my weigh in tonight and I have lost 2.5 this week bringing my total to 9 pounds.
Life is good.

De-lurking to say that I've followed your thread from the beginning and it's great to see how far you've come. You're a strong, smart, capable woman and parent!

So half term is nearly at an end and I have had a good week. I've done a nice mix of me time, family time and stuff with friends. I feel relaxed - I wonder how long that will last once I'm back at work?
The kids have needed some down time and their behaviour has improved so much. They've made a real effort this holiday to get on with each other and it has been really nice to see. Long may it last.

I've just hit the 6 month mark and have been shocked by the depths of my anger at the moment.
I guess as other feelings subside this is the overwhelmingly one I am left with.
I have never felt so much disdain for a person. I look at him and feel disgust.
I'm sure it is natural to feel like this but I'm also sure it's not that good for me.

I'm still following your story. Can't believe it's 6 months already! Can't remember if you said you're having counselling or not but might be worth a try if not.
My dsis and partner are 3 weeks into splitting up, she's having bad days and some ok days.
Keep on keeping on. You've been so strong I'm sure you'll have an up day soon.
I'm crap at writing these things, normally just read. But wanted you to know I'm here and willing you on 💐

Pretty much how I feel too op. Had to spend the day with mine on Sunday (and the girls). can hardly bear to look at him-but it's less upsetting now, more just I think 'what a horrible, pathetic person you are'.

Your doing amazing Alec,
Yes the anger is normal. It's all part of the grief process.
I have disliked people before but the anger and disdain I felt for my STBXH last year was what helped me to carry on at first.
I was glad to feel the anger at last because before that I was just so sad and was really struggling.
The anger helped me to start the divorce etc.
A year on and I have a mixture of emotions but sadness has set in again .
I still feel tearful even though I know that is stupid.
You've done amazing and sound like a wonderful mum.
So yes I think it is natural to feel like this.
I've
I never knew you could feel so many emotions, some which are so painful. Please remember you are going through the grief process but it's worse because your grieving for someone who decided to leave you and is replaced by a selfish deluded person.
I can't remember whether you went for counselling sessions but I found the sessions invaluable to help you through the process.
Please remember what we is experiencing is one of the worst things that can happen to you and your family.
You are doing so well and you should be so proud of yourself
Keep posting on here 🌺🌺

Sorry AleC4 sending you love and strength. Does anyone know why they do this? I struggle to understand how someone who appeared to be loving and genuine can become so cruel and selfish. Or reveal themselves to be so cruel and selfish.

Startoftheyear, the whys of how can they do this is also part of the grief process.
I have sat for hours thinking why, what and why again.
I think we think like that because we could never imagine doing that to our family and leave our children.
As for why they do this, I can only imagine they do it because they feel are selfish and feel entitled to move on.
They got bored with the monotony of family life, bored and someone turns their head.
They enjoy the feeling of newness and the lust we enjoyed at the beginning of a relationship. The lust and the rush of endorphins is addictive to begin with.
But for most people we know that them feelings cannot last and most would never cross the line to embark on a affair and we are not selfish deluded idiots and will talk , discuss are feelings of unhappiness with our partners and try to rekindle feelings .
These people are not wired that way and will put their own selfish needs before their family.
More fool them.
That is the only way I can summarise how I think they think.
Hopefully someone wiser may give their views.
How are you feeling startoftheyear, how are things for you, how are you feeling. 🌺

Yes I remember the anger - especially when I talked with his mother/sisters. I hated when they (probably understandably) defended him. It kept me going for a while until all the practical stuff was done - then fortunately for me (but not for our children) he moved abroad and remarried so I didn't have to have anything to do with him. It has faded a bit now (although I do admit to feeling a bit of contempt for him still - mostly about his treatment of our sons).

Use your anger to get stuff done, but it will fade eventually - especially if you are not forced to be in company with him very much. Try to avoid it as much as is possible. I know there will be some occasions where it is unavoidable though.

MN is so helpful, so many thoughtful women who have so much experience to share. I'm so glad I've found it. I'm not good. Still together. Still lost and confused. We talk infrequently and he trots out all sorts of ridiculous, hurtful things. I'm stunned how it's all about him. This weekend's chat (as always initiated by me) covered delights such as how l'll be fine, but for him divorce will be a 'catastrophe'. I just feel so confused. As time goes on I am less and less sure I want to work at it. Who is this thoughtless, selfish arsehole that it seems I married?

Thanks everyone, wise words from you all as always.
It always helps me to post back here when things are tough because there's always so much advice.
I have just had the completion information through for my mortgage and the date is set for next Monday. I have been looking forward to this day for so long but now it's nearly here I just feel angry about it.
Why should I have to go back to having a 25 year mortgage when we only had 9 years left?
Why should I be left with a house that needs so much work doing to it?
Why should I have to pay all these bloody fees that cost the earth?
But then I have to stop and think I have a house that is mine, all mine. He doesn't. I have a warm, safe , secure home for my children where they want to be. He doesn't. I have something to leave my kids in the future. He doesn't.
I hate him for what he has done to my children but I am determined they will have a happy rest if their childhood. This will not be their defining memory.

Yes I totally understand them feelings Alec
The anger you feel and the why questions will help you through to ensure you remain strong to get the best outcome of the horrendous tsunami that he had inflicted on you and your DC.
It just doesn't seem fair and right and you think WHY ME and my children 😡. Then, like you say you stop and think and our thankful that you have your lovely children safe and in YOUR own home.
They will never have that. They have lost the respect of their children long term and I really would never want them.
Also I couldn't stand to be not part of my children's lives every day.
Your children will never be able to feel real trust in their father as he has left them for a pipe dream....
I hate mine so much like you for all the crap he has inflicted on us.
I didn't have the confidence to post until recently , but have read yours and other threads over the past year and the similarities of our stories are startlingly familiar.
They our deceitful lying cowards and like you say I am determined to ensure my children recover from this and we rebuild and go onto have a happy future.
I'm so pleased you have your mortgage now Alec and even though it wasn't the future you envisioned, the house will be yours and DC and you can start making a new and brighter future in YOUR home 🏡 xx😃

Brilliant! Having the house is definitely something to celebrate. It seemed like it wasn't going to happen just a few months ago. You fought for it and you got it! Really pleased for you

I look at my house and curse sometimes-it's old and knackered and even in the nearly a year I've been here on my own so much stuff has gone wrong with it that I've barely been able to pay to get fixed. I've currently had a cold shower since October.H was never very DIY minded and didn't prioritise fixing stuff around the house, and left me with ageing appliances and a literally broken bed.He on the other hand got very fancy new stuff for his new place.He moaned that he couldn't afford it and made me feel guilty-which all went out of the window during mediation when it transpired he had nearly double the amount of my annual salary as savings in his bank account.Id say any sympathy at him sobbing about the price of his new fridge deserted me then.
I've never even liked our house particularly and the mortgage is insane.
But on the other hand like you say, the kids see it as home (a bit more than his place still I think), and it's mine (or will be) and that's worth a fair bit both emotionally and actually, all being well, equity wise.
Think the anger is what's left when the shock and the sadness start to dissipate.
Monday will still be something to celebrate op. You've come so far in such a relatively short time.
And who knows what the future holds? This time next year you could be shacked up with a millionaire and your 25 year mortgage could be a distant memory

lol Nigel, you never know. I never thought I would be here in this situation so I have definitely learnt that you never know what's around the corner!
I am happy about the house, really I am. The dc were desperate to stay here. Dd especially does not see her dad's as a home so they need the security.
I am very lucky. My house is not falling down. It is just very tired and like you, things keep breaking. I had the boiler as you know do that's one big expense I won't have for a while.
My ex is definitely not tolls my in it. He keeps hinting at how skint he is, despite the fact that I am still paying our joint mortgage and loan on my own. It's crippling me and I'll be so glad when it's over. Funny how he still seems to have the money to eat/drink out every weekend......

Oh and Nigel, hats off to you for spending a whole day with your ex at the weekend. I couldn't spend more than 5 minutes with mine.

Funny how he still seems to have the money to eat/drink out every weekend

Do you ever say this to him AleC? When he complains about being broke I don't think I could stop myself from saying something like "Well maybe you should cut down on the meals out then" - how often do you get to eat out?

My sons are grown-up now (30s) and he hasn't bought them Christmas or birthday presents for years - my youngest never even got a 21st present from him. It's as if he stopped bothering with them when he left and took on another woman's family. I can accept him leaving me of course I can, but I will NEVER forgive him for dropping them like he did. You see - at times I am still angry now after nearly 15 years!

It wasn't without much gritting of teeth op. But dd2 was so upset last week that I felt like she needed to see us both not hating each other iyswim.

Kaitlin believe me, I have to seriously bite my tongue.
I can't be bothered to say anything to him. What he does is of no interest to me whatsoever unless it affects the kids. There are times I want to scream at him and say if you're so skint why do you have to try and play Disney dad? There are Henry of free things the kids enjoy. But I don't.
As long as I get my maintenance I'm happy.

You're probably wise - I don't know if I could stop myself if it was me though - but you're right, don't let him see he annoys you as long as he pays his maintenance.

I have to do dd's parents evening with him next week. I am not looking forward to that. I did the last one on my own and he had the kids, he couldn't make either night. This time however, he wants to come.
I hate small talk. I'm not very good at it. Maybe I just won't talk to him......

I would just talk as little as possible - don't ask how he is, that will only open the door to remarks about how broke he is, and only give him brief answers. It will be the waiting around beforehand which might be awkward - presumably afterwards you can both bugger off asap.
Then get home and have a huge or

I just say hello, and that's about it as far as possible.
Keep it to a minimum and aim for chilly politeness.