2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

I have said ages ago I think. He seems remarkably controlling, even to the extent of telling his paremts what to do. What would happen if you simply said No, that doesn't work for me/ us. Which it doesn't.

Reading thread since the beginning, omg it's so frustrating how u accommodate him and let him do as he pleases. Ur enabling him by letting him walk all over u.

It would be interesting to see if you refuse to offer him alternative contact whether he will start fighting for more?

Har23 no enabling going on here.
I accommodate my children, not him.
I make sure they have their best shot at a relationship with him.
Please don't think I am a doormat, I'm far from it and have put my foot down many times about many things.
By making a problem out of this it is them who will suffer.
However, my priority is my children and they will always come first for me.
If/when they decide they don't want to go, they won't. If he wants to blame me and make it my fault, he can.
It won't change my disgust for him and it won't change the happy life I have worked hard to make for myself and the children.

MrsPav I don't care what he thinks of me, it can't be any less than I think of him.
However, my fears if I just say no are a) he will start mucking about with maintenance and b) he would ask for another week night instead.
This would be disastrous for the dc. They have hobbies here that they love that he would have trouble getting them to on time because of work.
They would be constantly stressed about getting there, being late etc and early mornings before school are a nightmare too.
They also have ow's kids there in the week who they don't get in with, no one goes to bed at a proper time, there's always noise, shouting and arguing.
For my kids emotional well-being there could not be more than one school night there.
Because if this, to allow them to still see him 2 nights a week I have agreed to Sunday as a trial basis.

Realistically I don't think it will be long before they don't want to go as often.

Remember you can go through CMS and then if he messes about they will do a deduction order.

Your DC are so fortunate to have you as a parent to more than make up for him and his shitty attitude to the DC

Hi all
This week my remortgage came through and completed - finally!
This marks a new chapter for me for two reasons. 1 because it enables me to pay off all my bits of debt I had left but even more 2 because it is with a high street lender and that marks a big change in my financial situation.
Today is 6 days until my decree nisi goes to court,
In other news, I used some of the leftover money from the mortgage to book a holiday for me and the dc - a week in the sun here we come!

I'm so pleased for you. I've followed your story for so long and this post really marks amazing progress from those early days. Well done. You are a brilliant mother, a strong woman and you have provided hope and encouragement for lots of us on this thread. KOKO.

I've followed from the start too, through a number of name changes and I'm so chuffed for you too.

Time to celebrate then

Congratulations, so pleased for you. I too have followed your story right from the start. You've conducted yourself with such dignity throughout. You should be so proud of yourself.

Another one who has followed your thread right from the start. Youv'e done so wel and come so far and this latest news is fantastic.

Got the letter today to say my Decree Nisi has all gone through - not long until I have no ties at all left with that horrible man.

Don't be surprised at how you feel when the absolute comes through could be a mixture of relief and sadness it's a strange thing!

He is , regardless , a horrible man. Here's to the future!

RandomMess you are right. I think there will be an element of sadness I'm sure.
We had a mostly happy marriage for 15 years, it was just the last few months when things were a bit tense. Obviously I now know why!
I don't regret my marriage. How could I? I have two amazing children from it. But I do regret the father he has turned out to be.
My next thing is to look into a Clean Break Agreement. I think it will cost me but I want to protect myself for the future.
I want to make sure he can't claim anything from me later in life and I need to protect my pension.

Small steps towards a life far better without being attached to him!

Hows it all going AleC4?

Things are going ok thanks user.
I'm awaiting my paperwork for the decree absolute but it won't be for some time yet. Next step is to get some legal advice about the Clean Break.
The extra finances from my mortgage all came through so I have paid the balance on our holiday and paid off bits and bobs that were outstanding. I feel much more financially secure now. Strange how I live in the same house and have the same job as before ex and I split, but I'm better off with one wage coming in than two!! I know where all our money went now!
The dc and I had a nice half term. A good balance of chilling out and doing things. They don't want to do much with me these days but we're happy with a shopping trip to Meadowhall funnily enough!
They are both really settled at school so that's good.
We're still in the early days of the new weekend arrangements but it is ok so far. Different, but ok.
I had a text from my mil this weekend to say ex had now disowned her completely because she still associates with me. What a sad, sad man.

Just popped over for an update. It's so lovely that you are stable and happy. You are an inspiration. I cannot believe that your ex has 'disowned' his mother - what an idiot. I'm glad she's been decent too you. KOKO

Gosh I can't believe your stupid ex has disowned his own mother too! What an idiot. Glad things are going well for you.

It is unbelievable really isn't it?
He is going to end with no one soon if he keeps pushing people away for stupid reasons.
I can't stand the man so I hope he ends up a sad, lonely old man.

Hi aleC4,

Like many others have followed your thread from the start and have posted occasionally.

As always, you keep going , you have your Dc interests at everything you do no matter what ex throws at you.

Pleased to hear your news about the mortgage and i’m sure your holiday will be super once it arrives.

Keep going !

It's mil birthday at the end of this week. I'm not sure exh will acknowledge it as he seems to have dumped her.
I feel terribly for her if she doesn't get anything from the kids so we've got a card. I've taken a picture of them and I'm going to put it in a frame and send it with a big bar of her favourite chocolate. I'm sure that would be ok and I know she would really appreciate it. She hardly ever sees the kids and they just change so much every time. I thought an up to date picture would be nice.

aleC4

That sounds perfect and very thoughtful of you