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Original poster

2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

999 replies

aleC4 · 01/01/2017 21:19

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 16/02/2019 08:31

Ds is off skiing with school this morning for a week.
He is more than excited.
I on the other hand, am a nervous wreck.
It's the longest he's been away, the furthest and he's doing scary stuff!!
I will really miss him but it will be nice to spend some time one on one with dd.

OP posts:
Startoftheyear2019 · 17/02/2019 08:16

Glad you're doing ok Ale. I'm sure he'll have a great time. Life is full of adventure Smile

Original poster
aleC4 · 19/02/2019 22:52

He is having a great time according to the messages.
Dd and I are at my parents tonight and off to the big smoke tomorrow for two days.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 22/02/2019 16:42

Dd and I have had a lovely time in London. I surprised her with a trip to see Matilda which we both loved, it was brilliant.
I have returned to an almost complete brand new bathroom that my bf's lovely amazing husband has fitted for me.
I can't wait to get ds back from skiing tomorrow. It's been so weird without him here, even dd has said she misses him!

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Original poster
aleC4 · 09/03/2019 10:17

Just realised I haven't updated for ages!
Things are ticking along ok here. I've not heard any more about the divorce since sending off my side of the paperwork 4 weeks ago, I guess it is all in hand.
I am in the process of remortgaging my house. My 2 year fixed deal is coming to an end so my broker rang me to see if I wanted to try for a new deal.
My new deal encompasses all my debt and is cheaper so win win!!
It is actually with a High Street lender which is a massive step up for me, it means my credit rating is much improved.
The dc are doing well. They still have issues with their dad and his weird family but generally things are stable.
My lovely bf's husband is just finishing my bathroom as we speak. A whole new bathroom - suite, tiles, colour everything. It looks amazing and he hasn't charged me a penny to do all the work. All I have paid is materials and a plasterer. It has made me look at the rest of my house though and think how tatty it looks!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2019 11:15

All sounds good to me!

user1493423934 · 10/03/2019 10:18

So good to get such a positive update AleC4. Post a photo of your new bathroom! what a nice friend you have.

maras2 · 10/03/2019 13:07

Love reading your updates aleC and glad things are getting better.
Saw 'coatgate' on another thread. Did anything come of it after DD got her coat back?

Original poster
aleC4 · 10/03/2019 23:05

No maras, nothing came of it.
I emailed her form teacher to let her know the full details of what had happened. I got an email to say thanks and she would pass it on. I've heard nothing since, bizarre turn of events really.
I've had a very therapeutic weekend this weekend. No matter how much I think I've got rid of, when I have a sort out I always fill another couple of bin bags.
This weekend I have cleared out and tidied the understairs cupboard so it is totally sorted, it looks amazing.
I have also cleaned out my cleaning cupboards, one under the sink and one in the bathroom and chucked all the almost empty old bottles of crap.
Then today I have blitzed my lounge completely from top to bottom and sorted paperwork.
Very satisfying!

OP posts:
Overseasmom100 · 11/03/2019 00:12

Great to get an update Alec. Keep posting often think of you

Mummacake · 11/03/2019 10:33

AleC you're doing fabulously well. Onwards and upwards for you and your family. Contact is hard - undoing all the damage that is done when they're away from you is painful. The children are getting to a stage where they can make decisions re their dad. I too am looking to get some family therapy. So broke but in the big scheme of things it won't last forever. KOKO Flowers

Original poster
aleC4 · 09/04/2019 23:01

Just thought I'd drop in to let you all know that I received the certificate of entitlement for my divorce today. The first stage goes to court on 16th May. From what I have read exh then has to wait 6 weeks and 1 day to apply for decree absolute? In the meantime I will be applying for my financial clean break agreement, he is not getting his hands on anything of mine in the future!
My new mortgage is also STILL going on, hoping for a completion date this week. Why do these things take so long!
I gave three days left at work before the Easter holidays. It has been such a long half term and we're all on our knees - can't wait for a break.

OP posts:
1Wildheartsease · 10/04/2019 19:30

Glad it is progressing - though slow!
Enjoy your break

Original poster
aleC4 · 11/04/2019 07:08

Thanks.
Dd is giving me a really hard time again at the minute.
I'm hoping it is just that she's tired and ready for a break.
Her behaviour towards me and her brother is truly vile at the moment and I'm at a loss as to what to do about it.

OP posts:
Startoftheyear2019 · 11/04/2019 14:09

Hang in there. Hope the mortgage and divorce paperwork help move you into a new phase. Thinking of you 💐

chocolateandpinkgin · 12/04/2019 15:54

@aleC4 I spent all last night reading your original thread and a lot of today reading this one!

First of all I am in absolute AWE of you. You have come so far, please don't forget that even when things seem a bit crap. The one thing that has really stuck out to me with all your posts is just how much you love and care for your children, and how obvious it is that they are your first and main priority! That in itself is amazing.

So sorry DD's behaviour is getting you down. I think, as others have said, it's that you're her safe place - she knows she can act up around you because she knows you'll always love her and be there for her. I know that doesn't make it any easier to deal with though!

Also well done on the running! I find it so amazing for mental health. Sometimes it's hard getting out the door but afterwards I feel so much better.

I hope you keep posting and updating, I will be following your posts (in a totally non stalker ish way lol) as would love to see how you're getting on x

Original poster
aleC4 · 13/04/2019 08:06

Ah thanks, that's lovely of you.
Sometimes it's easy to forget how far I have come in nearly 3 years.
There's been some tough times along the way but do you know what, I am so much happier now than back then. I am definitely able to be myself now, I had not really how much of my personality he was suppressing.
It's mum and daughter time this weekend as ds is away with the school until Monday. She was at her dads last night but we are going out for dinner tonight and will then chill with the tv.
Lie in tomorrow then she has a sports match in the afternoon.
I'm really looking forward to two weeks off now, it's well needed!

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 25/04/2019 07:51

Ex is being an idiot again at the mo.
He took the kids out the other night which I thought was odd, not what he would normally do.
Whilst out he messaged me to tell he had taken an extra job working 2 nights a week, one of which is Friday when he had the kids. He was obviously telling them and then pre-warning me.
I had already told them he would now be having them Sundays instead!
Nice to have some negotiation on this.
Yet both play the same hobby on a Sunday which we alternate and will continue to do so. If training it's the morning but if it's matches, ds is morning and dd is afternoon.
So on my Sundays he won't see them until after 3 anyway.
I am not happy with this arrangement for several reasons 1) I now have the kids both weekend nights every week. Now as much as I love my kids I also love having the opportunity to go out and socialise, that is now gone. 2) He told his dad and step mum a while ago that they are not allowed to do jobs for me so that means no babysitters. 3) Sunday is when we do most of the homework so he's going to have to step up and take some responsibility for that and 4) it means coming back early morning two days a week instead of one - this didn't really work anyway.
I am really pissed off that he didn't even consult me about this. I know he doesn't actually have to but he doesn't seem to realise this changes our whole routine as a family.
I've told him we will try it and see how it goes and he has told the kids it can be flexible if they have something they want to do.
Neither of them want to go on Sundays. They are pleased to be here on Saturday mornings and pleased that it feels like less time at his but they like our routine and it annoys me that things have to change again!
I have reiterated to the kids again that they are old enough to make their own choices. If they don't want to go they don't have to. While he says it's ok for them to see friends sometimes when they're with him, in reality he doesn't think that. It would mean lots of travelling for him and when dd asked last time he said try not to arrange it during our time as it eats into the limited time we see each other.
I think he thinks when they are with me we all sit together in one room playing happy families. In reality, I am usually getting the two of them about from one place to another and I'm on my own most of the time!

OP posts:
DPotter · 25/04/2019 12:06

Sorry - not sure I fully understand you. He's getting another job so usual Friday evening contact can't continue, so he expects to see the children on Sundays - no request, no negotiation, just do it ? I maybe being naive here but he can't just decide unilaterally on a change like that. If it doesn't suit you, its doesn't suit and he'll have to come up with another plan.
How would he react if you got another job which require him to look after the children on Wednesday and Thursday evenings and you just expected him to comply ?
My apologies if I have misread / misunderstood

RandomMess · 25/04/2019 12:27

So when are his parents meant to see the DC if he does not permit them to "babysit"?

Original poster
aleC4 · 25/04/2019 13:13

DPotter you have it pretty much spot on there.
I have no idea what would happen if I said no.
He did say if I wanted to go out on a Friday the kids could still go to his and ow or her dd would look after them - over my dead body!
To be honest I can't see it working in the long term anyway. The kids will get fed up of it I think.

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hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 25/04/2019 13:41

Oh dear, he doesn’t permit grandparents to “help you”. However, perhaps he now needs them to “help him” by babysitting on a Friday to cover his absence. None of your other arrangements would need to change.

Original poster
aleC4 · 25/04/2019 15:01

The problem is if he asks grandparents to babysit on a Friday night they wouldn't do so at his house. That would mean them staying at their grandparents which is just round the corner from me!
The job is not evenings it is nights 6pm-9am so it would have to be sleepovers.
I have told the kids they will have to ask grandparents for a sleepover every now and again on a Friday so I can go out.
Apparently if they ask it's ok....

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/04/2019 15:11

Controlling d*ck!

1Wildheartsease · 25/04/2019 15:56

What a thoughtful man he isn't!
I think that you are right about it not working out long-term. It will fade out.

They are getting to the age when they won't need a sitter and will be comfortable with you going out. (+They even have grandparents they could call on if they needed to.)