2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

Is it for you and kids? I found finding someone the kids would talk to even harder than finding the lawyer who really got the issues.

I think I'd say try one and see how it goes. CBT therapists have been the most effective for us. Ones that actually talk (and not ones that only listen and then ask how does that make you feel). You need "homework" in order for the dynamic to change if that makes sense.

I found that you knew pretty quickly if they're going to work for you. Within 2 sessions probably. And the CBT ones seem to be pleased when you say we are ok now. It's good to have someone you can go back to as needed too.

We are currently seeing one as we have 3 teen DDs and it's a bit of a struggle for DH in particular. He's set us a thing to do to change our particular dynamic with eldest DD 14.

Me. I've had a ton just on my own. Still having it. Dd2 is starting in jan as she just seems...a bit miserable...and she is really conflicted about her dad because she knew about his affair and who it was with before I did, and she feels a bit of loyalty to me, but has always been a Daddy's girl-so it's all a bit messed up for her I think.
I'd actually like us all to go for a few group sessions at some point-because actually it just can't hurt...but by that time I will be broke. We will be mentally well but very poor 🤷🏽‍♀️

Wishing you and your dc a lovely Christmas Ale. You continue to inspire me. Hope 2019 is a good year for you.

Thanks for the replies.
I think it is needed for all of us together really.
I always thought ds was the more messed up by all of this but I think it is coming out more in dd now.
But then I remember she is an 11 year old girl who has just started secondary school. She's got a bit big for her boots and hormones are racing.
We have had a lovely few days with my parents, sister and her family.
The dc were thoroughly spoilt and loved all their presents.
Now the bit I hate - handover time.
I will be leaving at 9.30 to take them to their dads then home for the great unpacking and washing!
I don't really mind a few days on my own, I could do with a rest and a bit of a chill but I'll be missing them by Friday.
I'll just have to keep myself off fb and all the photos of families having fun together. That's when it gets me.

alec4 I have followed your journey from your very first post and have posted a few times here. When you are away I wonder how you are and I am always pleased to see your latest posts.

I have always admired how you have managed your difficult situation and how well you are coping.

I was sorry to read of the after effects your lovely children are having to deal with as a result of their father’s bad behaviour - but I suppose this was inevitable- their world as they knew it was suddenly without warning blown apart - yours too.

Your daughter is going through challenging times - school and hormones so I’m sure even if you were still happily married you would be dealing with these challenging times - with your son too no doubt.

Being a mum is a hard job sometimes (!) and when our children pass through babyhood to toddlers to pre schoolers I’m sure we all think things will get easier/better when they grow out of the various stages that cause trouble or extra work. In fact you just swop one set of concerns for another - it is just a way through to getting our children into happy adjusted adults.

You are having to deal with not only these changes but also having to help your children through their feelings having to adjust to their father’s new life and the extended family- this cannot be easy for you.

Please be easy on yourself today. I understand it must feel hard for you to have to make arrangements to ”hand them over”.

Once they have left do what you have to do - but set a strict time limit to the precious time you have to enjoy on “domestic stuff”. Please make time today for just you. For a short time try to put all your concerns in the back burner and make time for just you. You deserve some time out away from worry and stress,

Believe me giving yourself some space, mentally and physically will be so good for you today. I hope you will feel rested and refreshed. When your children return you will be once again be on the “front line” dealing with everything so make sure you “chill” today and have Alec time.

Read, watch tv, make some nice lunch and enjoy a well deserved drink and plan your 2019/running schedule (so impressed!) - everyone needs to have some downtime, especially at this busy stressful time of year.

You certainly deserve it. Here’s hoping 2019 is a positive happy year for the three of you. You are doing a wonderful job.

@Zofloraqueen27 I may have something in my eye.....
Thank you so much for those lovely words, never have I felt so touched by a stranger.
I needed that so thanks. Sometimes it is very easy to get bogged down with the everyday drudgery and forget how far I/we have come.
I already have the first load of washing on and have sat down for a cuppa with a few of my Christmas chocs.
I have planned a gentle run for tomorrow morning with friends, I need to be careful with my injured knee but I think it is ready.
My plans for today are very much as you have suggested. I have a great Spotify playlist on. I plan to do a mix of putting away the kids presents - whilst tidying their rooms!, watching tv, eating nice food and drinking nice wine.

I'm without my kids today and I've managed to find my way at the tube station with a plan to visit Harvey Nichols! Christmas debris left for a few more hours. Let's enjoy some relaxation guys!

A big hug coming your way alec from sunny Torquay! X

Thanks guys.
I had a very chilled day yesterday but have started today with a run. Well, I say run, I had to walk a bit as it's the first time I have been out since I fell and injured my knee. It felt ok but I felt very out of condition. Good to get back to it.
Today will be much the same as yesterday - some house stuff interspersed with relaxation! I am enjoying recharging my batteries.

Kids are due back in 10 mins, I can't wait to see them.
I've really missed them this time.

So now they back the house is restored to how I like it!
Yesterday we had a nice family afternoon okaying sone of the games they got for Christmas and watching some tv.
Today I haven't really seen them much but I appreciate they need some time to chill out in an environment where they can relax.
I dragged myself round parkrun this morning which was so tough after three weeks off running. I was6 mins slower than my pb but I had to take it steady with my knee.
Dd has been on her new iPad pretty much all day watching videos or FaceTiming friends and ds is back in his favourite position - on the Xbox!

Glad to hear things are okay with you AleC. You and the kids are doing brilliantly.
So proud of you with the running x

Hi Alex if you google systemic family therapy it may bring you something other than relate.
I had a bad experience with them so I’m a bit biased.
It really can work - sometimes one or two sessions is all that’s needed.
I have a certificate in family therapy so I have some experience. Also I’ve seen it in action whilst doing the course.
The family is seen as a “system” and it needs to work together for harmony. If any part is “troubled” so to speak - the system won’t be as effective.

Happy New Year.

Happy new year everyone!
New Year's Eve was a tough one for me this year, my first without the kids. But I went out with another single mum friend who was also on her own and we had a laugh. I really missed the kids though. They are back where they belong now though and we have had some fun.
I went back to my running on Saturday after 3 weeks off and did parkrun. It was awful. I felt so fat and out of condition. It's amazing how quickly your fitness slips. It really put me off and I lost my mojo a bit.
However I have been out today and done a couple of miles and it felt better, I will not let it beat me! This year I will get fitter and slim!

Well done in the Parkrun. Keep it up you are doing great.
Sorry new year was hard. But glad you managed to get out and have fun.
Take care and just remember how far you have come from the first post on this thread.
Thinking of you.

Came home from work to my divorce papers today.
Not quite sure how to feel about it to be honest.
I feel pleased that I will have no ties to him any more, and pleased that I can properly move forward as just me.
But I feel sadder about it than I thought I would. Not sad about him, just about 'it'.
I don't miss him at all but I still feel sad that I have a failed marriage behind me.
I'm annoyed I feel like this but I guess I couldn't predict my emotions.

Oh AleC I know what you mean, it's hard and it's a weird feeling, especially when the last thing you'd want is to have them back.

I still get caught out by unexpected things, like a parents evening the other night where my DCs friends were all there with two parents, people we used to socialise with.

I have found though that these are getting less and less over time, still stings though. Just think how far you've already come, and by the time the divorce is final you'll be so ready for the next exciting chapter of your life.

Parkrun today?

Thanks, yes I am ready to embrace it.
A friend asked me today if I was changing my name. I hadn't even considered that.
I am not going to though.
I don't associate my name with him, it's who I am. Being a teacher my name gets used a lot and I don't want to change it.
It is also the same as my children's name.
Yes I did parkrun this morning. Still a way off my pb but quicker than last week.

Well done for keeping going with Parkrun it will get easier!

Oddly enough I've just got back from the solicitor trying to sort the last bits of finance order it before applying for decree absolute. I feel...really weird.Relieved it will all be done but crushingly sad about the whole thing. Can't stop crying and I don't know why.
I would never want to be with him again-I don't know why it's hit me like this.
It's a huge life change seen in black and white I suppose. And I wish for the kids it had all been different...they didn't deserve to have divorced parents. Sorry-very woe is me today! My (very rambling) point is-that I think whatever the circumstances, seeing it in black and white is a bit of head fuck for most people I think x

It's so tough. I'm near that point too. I'm stuck on a mental loop about why this all happened. But it's not your fault. We're dealing with the repercussions of someone else's actions. Thinking of you

It's a bit sad that I'm so excited, but I have a skip coming this weekend. Finally I get to get rid of every last trace of my ex.

I became an auntie again last night!
My amazing sister had a beautiful baby girl, can't wait to meet her.

Lovely news. Congratulations to both mum and auntie! Enjoy your weekend, and give the wee one a cuddle from me!