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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

999 replies

aleC4 · 01/01/2017 21:19

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/12/2018 15:45

Yeah pb - great for you!!!

Original poster
aleC4 · 11/12/2018 22:55

Just checking in to say, guess what?
I only went and ran 5 miles tonight!
I have joined the C25k follow on group with my friends and tonight was 5 miles.
It hurt so bad and I am in agony now but so proud I have done it!
Not bad for someone who struggled to run for 1 minute 3 months ago.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 11/12/2018 23:47

Well Done you! Am so impressed. You should be so proud of yourself, and all you have achieved. Rid of the deadwood.

Wishing you the best for the coming year.

Wildheartsease · 13/12/2018 15:57

What a great finish to the year! Well done.

flowerpot1000000 · 13/12/2018 20:18

Was only thinking about you the other day Alec. Been following yoir threads from the beginning and the previous one. What ate yr plans for Christmas? And did the paperwork ever appear???

flowerpot1000000 · 13/12/2018 20:19

And huge well done on your 5k you ARE brilliant

Original poster
aleC4 · 14/12/2018 16:42

Thanks flowerpot.
The mysterious paperwork never did appear and I've not chased it. I'm in no rush. Much as I would like to be rid of any ties to him, I won't be instigating it as I can't afford it.
We are at my parents 23rd-26th December then I have to bring them back to go to their dads.
He has really pissed me off today.
Soon after we split over 2 years ago, ds brought home a letter about a ski trip. It was a lot of money but we agreed he could go - I think exh was still feeling terribly guilty at that point.
We agreed to split the cost which we duly did and the holiday was paid for in June. He goes in February.
This week he brought home a huge list of clothing and stuff he needs. This was not a surprise as obviously skiing requires specialist clothing.
Today I asked exh for a contribution as it is going to cost a lot. I could have anticipated his reply - the child benefit and maintenance needs to cover it. What a joke!
I have pointed out that the maintenance pays for everyday living costs such as food and regular clothing, not extras.
I reminded him that he agreed to the holiday and agreed to split the cost.
He is now saying ds can have done stuff for his birthday next week from him. Ds is not very happy about that because he had been promised money towards the trip for his extra activities. So basically for his birthday he will get a load of stuff he will wear once and never again.
I am so cross. He seems to think the small amount of maintenance he pays is elastic! He has no idea how much the kids cost day to day as he sees them for 2 nights a week and one morning.
Everything comes from me - food, clothes, clubs, trips, presents for friends birthdays, £1 here £1 there for school stuff.
It's a joke.

OP posts:
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 14/12/2018 16:56

Hi AleC4. Have been reading your threads in amazement! What a totally useless git! He has transformed from a lovely husband and dad into an actual waste of space! It’s anazing the difference between this man and the man in your original posts.

Anyway, on a practical level: Sports Direct sell lots of reasonably priced ski stuff online. It is still expensive but you may get some bargains! Also Decathlon sell ski gear.

I hope your son has an amazing ski holiday!

MsPavlichenko · 14/12/2018 17:09

I suspect he was always fairly hopeless and you covered for him knowingly or unknowingly. He is showing what a sorry excuse for a parent he really is.

On the plus side, you are shot of him! KOKO.

Raspberrypony342 · 14/12/2018 17:48

Hey, not sure if this will help. We are not going skiing this winter . My sons ski stuff is age 12-13.. not sure how old your son is but will happily lend you it. X

Original poster
aleC4 · 14/12/2018 19:33

Raspberry that is so kind of you.
Unfortunately my ds is 14 and a big 14. I have to buy him men's clothes now.

OP posts:
TheSquiffyQuiff · 14/12/2018 20:26

Facebook marketplace any good?

bewilderedhedgehog · 14/12/2018 20:28

tkmaxx ?

Okki · 14/12/2018 20:57

Home Bargains quite often has ski stuff. eBay is good too. Also best to layer with light things as can get very warm. Eg we all wear tights ski socks and trousers. Thermal long sleeve top, jumper and coat. If it's sunny he won't need the jumper.

I'm sorry I'm just jumping on like this. I've been lurking for months but have had nothing to add as I have no experience of your situation, though I do utterly admire the way you've dealt with everything.

Hope your DS has an amazing time - where is he going?

SirB0bby · 15/12/2018 19:54

What a nob he is! Try Aldi for ski clothing. They've got a lot of bits quite cheap like layers, goggle and gloves. . My son is skiing in Feb too and I just bought him a small man's ski jacket from Mountain Warehouse in the sale for £18.

Wallywobbles · 15/12/2018 21:27

Lidl last year had loads of stuff. I'd say you can normally borrow a huge amount.

Original poster
aleC4 · 16/12/2018 07:30

So after mentioning it at the end of August, the D word has reappeared!
Our of the blue yesterday he text me and asked me to send a photo of the marriage certificate for his online divorce paperwork!
Looks like things maybe moving!
I don't know what to expect from an online divorce? I will be checking it to make sure the clean break agreement I asked for is in there.
Do you think I can trust it or should I take it to a solicitor to be checked? Do they do that sort of thing, just check the paperwork to make sure it includes what I want?

OP posts:
Raininspaintoday · 16/12/2018 08:49

What does he pay maintenance? If you don't mind. Hope you're well alecSmile

RandomMess · 16/12/2018 09:14

You need your own solicitor at some point to ensure how it is worded is correct to mean what you think it is does and is legally binding.

Ensure he's paying full costs for both parties!!!

inlectorecumbit · 16/12/2018 09:37

I wonder if this is his Christmas present to the OW?
Don't rush, send it back at your own pace, make sure you take the time to read it over and get it checked by someone that everything you want is there in black and white.
So slow it down to the NY to give you time to get it all together. After all he has made you wait and you are going to be so busy trying to get DS all the stuff he needs for his trip.
Just a thought but could you ebay it all after his trip?

MsPavlichenko · 16/12/2018 10:26

Yes. Don't rush, and absolutely get legal advice. It will cost but be money well spent.

Also worth remembering you are ( no longer) his administrative support. He can get copies of the marriage certificate himself if he requests and pays etc. Not suggesting you make anything difficult, just that you don't put yourself out. He seems to have fuck all else to do compared with your hectic schedule.

flowerpot1000000 · 18/12/2018 23:29

How weird I asked and then up it comes. Def get it checked over by a legal

ASimpleLampoon · 19/12/2018 04:19

agreee with Ms Pavlichenko. Tell him to go get a copy from the registry, you're not his PA. Even if it's no bother to you, it's the principle that counts. He no longer has the right to expect you to do admin for him.

user1493423934 · 21/12/2018 02:41

Hi Ale. Been following your posts (gone through a similar thing myself). Is there any facebook groups that lend/sell skiing gear?
Online divorce to me sounds a bit dodge, but I guess its legal? I agree with keeping things a bit slow (after new years) anyway legal places will be closed til then, surely?
Hope you and your DC have a great Xmas. xx

Original poster
aleC4 · 24/12/2018 00:37

Hi
Just wondering if any of you wise mumsnetters have had any family therapy/counselling?
I am leaning more and more towards this being something we would benefit from.
Dd especially is displaying some really difficult behaviour. Her treatment of ds is horrible sometimes and she can be pretty vile to me too.
She struggles with boundaries and can be very rude. This is only at home, she is a model pupil at school.
Ds is cooing better nowadays but is terrible at bottling things up.
I worry constantly about how the separation has affected them. I worry about our relationship, their relationship, and whether o am dealing with their emotions correctly.
I have looked on the relate website and it is £15 to sign up then £60 a session.
This is not really something I can afford but then I don't know if I can afford to ignore it either.
Has anyone had any experience of release and whether it is money well spent?

OP posts: