2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

Google it but basically ignore! Only respond to anything from him that absolutely legally needs to be replied to.

It's basically acting as if you are just that-a grey rock- in response to him. Be bland, vaguely polite but non commits in all responses you do need to make-anything legally vital preferably by solicitor.

Oh I can do that, easy Peasy! I try to communicate with him as little possible as it is.
Normally the kids go to their grandparents on a Tuesday after school and they take them to their dad's.
In the holidays they don't and I've heard nothing so far about what time he is coming to pick them up.
I will not ask. He can let me know. And if the dc are not ready when he gets here, tough.

Hang in there Ale, you're doing great. KOKO.

Hi all, thought I'd better check in.
Things seemed to have settled down somewhat this week and I haven't had any more demanding texts from ex.
There was obviously an incident one night this week involving dd and her dad when they stayed over because ds has alluded to it several times.
Atm I don't know what happened but I know it I combed an argument between dd and ex.
I know if she wants to tell me she will but I just hope he hasn't asked her to keep quiet. Tbh I don't think she would anyway.
Her behaviour with me has been challenging at times this holiday so I dread to think what it has been like for him.

Good to hear how you're doing. There's a tiny part of me that rejoices when my kids give my stbxh a hard time!

This is quite simply priceless.

He asked for an example of when he was selfish. She says she said 'try breaking up a family for starters'.

Your DD is brilliant. Well done to her for having the courage to speak up to her dad, which can be very difficult at her age.

So today I dared to ask if he could give a contribution to the school uniform that will cost me £250 when all done.
His answer was I don't have any spare sorry.
What bloody happens if I don't have any spare?

Tell him you don't and see what he says? I just don't see why he should get away with it.

This is the reality. He is a pisspoor excuse for a parent. I know you wanted different, and had originally hoped for friendly co parenting. But he is a selfish arse.

You on the other hand are brilliant. And your kids know this too.

Go as low contact as you can. Maybe consider something more formal re CS. Any progress with your inlaws?

They are his responsibility too... not an optional addition to his life!

He should be considering their needs before his own - not as something to be dealt with if he has money left over.

It is amazing how living away for these months has had such an effect on him.

I agree.
His reply also said as well as having no spare he can't even afford to take them on holiday which he would have loved to do!
What a crap comparison!
As if a holiday and school uniform are of the same importance!
I know that was meant as a dig at me because obviously if I can afford holidays I can also afford all the school uniform.
Not that it's any of his business but last year I took them abroad because we all bloody needed it and I had some money left over from my mortgage. This year we went away for 4 days with my parents which they bloody paid for!
It really does seem like it's out of sight out of mind with him. He's not in the real world with regard to how much children actually cost day to day.
Oh but he's making them to Alton Towers in September! Not that I want to deny my kids a fun day out but I would far rather that money was spent on their uniform.
The amount of clothes they have at his house is a joke. He's bought neither of them shoes or a coat to keep there, is that normal?

Normal for wasters.Also a control thing possibly. Taking them to Alton Towers but not contributing to essentials suggests that. Him choosing what to do in terms of financial support.

Again, the less communication the better. You don't need to hear his sob stories.

Because he wants to be Disney Dad - Alton Towers for a fun day out to make him more popular, whereas you have to fork out for boring school uniform. In the event I wouldn't mind betting that he spoils even that fun day out with them. (Maybe he got vouchers for the entry tickets?)

I would mention that you would have liked to have taken them away for a longer break too, but were grateful that your parents took you all away for 4 days, otherwise they would have got no break away at all.

I have always said this - what if all parents acted like this? What if you had gone off with another bloke and had no money left for clothing your children? People like your ex rely on the love and responsibility of other adults to look after their own children. He probably thinks as you still have a full-time teaching salary you should be OK - like before he left - forgetting that then there were TWO salaries.

Like Mrs Pav says - I would not be able to stop myself telling him these things - he doesn't care about being amicable, he doesn't stop himself having digs at you, why should you care about telling him a few home truths?

Oh this is so familiar. My stbxh hasn't contributed one pound to the childcare costs over the summer break. Even having the older ones home is more expensive during the holidays. My stbxh doesn't care a fig. He spoils them and spends loads on himself - just not interested in the boring reality of normal life. I hate him so much. I am so grateful for this thread as I know I'm not alone.

Sorry to hear that startoftheyear, but glad my thread has brought you a small amount of comfort!
I finally finished the school shopping yesterday after spending £116 on two pairs of shoes!
He has not bought a thing. I won't be sending him any photos of the first day, he'll have to ask - very nicely!
Unlike you I don't have the childcare issue in the holidays as I am a teacher. My two are older now but I remember well the crippling cost of childcare, you have my sympathies.
Dd is starting secondary soon and I finally paid my last bill to the childminder last month after 13 years!

It's my 2 year single parent anniversary today!

Ha - congratulations! You have come a long way - and he has sunk to new depths.

BTW do the children know that he "couldn't" contribute to uniform? Now that they are 11 and 13 he may well find that they choose not to spend as much any time with him. I know that means you wouldn't get any you time, but at least you wouldn't be worrying about them whilst they are with him. Do you think it is likely?

How are relations with the inlaws (I used to call mine the outlaws )?

And look at how well you've done over these two years op xx

Do you know what?
I am damn proud of how far I have come!
When I think back to those early days and how I felt then, I am a different person now.
I do think it's a shame that my relationship with ex has gone sour. It would have been nicer all round if we could have stayed on friendlier terms but that is all his doing so I feel no guilt about it.
I have had no contact with my in laws since they dropped their bombshell. That is not unusual as we didn't speak really regularly but they have had their usual contact with the children via text. I still feel hurt by their actions and can't bring myself to initiate contact just yet. I think they have been spineless if I am honest.
Dc know exactly what their dad is like re money and that I have had to buy all the uniform.
I can't remember if I said but ds needed new trainers last month. He obviously needs adult size now and they were very expensive.
As teenage boys do he ousted a picture of them on instagram me put thanks Mum on the picture.
When he saw his dad next he said 'I'm glad you posted that pic of your trainers. It's nice for me to see what I bought. Remember the money I give your mum goes towards all your clothes and shoes!'
Ds thought it was hilarious, he knows that what his dad gives barely feeds them. I was not pleased!

It shows that it hit home though - he is just trying to justify himself. I hope he continues to post similar things and doesn't let his Dad guilt him into not doing this. He certainly has his father's measure doesn't he?

He really is not the full ticket is he? It would be amusing if it wasn't so sad for your dad to be finding out so early on what an utter wally his dad is. I would be livid at that comment op.

You're right, he's not the full ticket!
Both dc are very aware of just how rubbish he is, but deep down they love him, he's their dad. Despite all the moaning and the jokes they make about him, I don't honestly think they are ready to cut ties with him yet. But I fear it will come if he carries on.
Because I'm a teacher and I work in academic years, today I have made a New Years resolution. I am determined to sort my finances out. I have accrued more debt since ex left but it is all down to reckless spending and wants rather than needs.
Today I got paid and I have done a very strict budget for September. It is going to be tight but I have enough I think. I need to start putting aside more for things like kids clothes, school trips, car expenses etc.
I need to sling anything spare at the debt to try and get rid of it ASAP.
Wish me luck!

I also need to do this!
We are decorating dd2's room at the moment and everything is everywhere. Once it's done I'm going to declutter, eBay some stuff, and sit down and do a proper budget.
I start a new job in September which pays considerably less (by choice because it's also considerably less stress-in hoping I'll be poorer but happier), so it really needs doing!

Oh good luck with the new job Nigel, great to have a less stressful job.
I know this is all my fault and I know I have been frittering money away. But when I see what I have got for it, there's nothing there!
I am ashamed at my spending but totally determined to sort it.