2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

Hi all
Just back from a lovely few days away in Norfolk with the dc and my parents.
We stayed in a beautiful cottage and had fabulous weather - I actually went in the sea and it was warm!
It was nice to relax but it is also nice to get home to my own space.
Ex contacted me while we were away to tell me (not ask, which seems to be a new thing he's trying) that he wants to have the kids all weekend instead of just Friday night. I replied it was up to the children if they wanted that.
I was very proud of ds because he messaged his dad to say he didn't really want to come for the whole weekend as they have nothing to do there.
A few pathetic excuses followed but ds stood his ground and finally ex has agreed to at least buy the kids a tv for their room so they can watch films and stuff in peace. A small victory but a victory at least.
Ds felt very liberated afterwards and I told him he had done well to stick to his hubs and actually say how he feels for once.

OMG I am absolutely fuming at what I have just heard. Livid does not even come close.
My in laws (ex's dad and step mum) live just round the corner from me.
We have always had a good relationship with them and been away with them a few times including a very expensive holiday abroad that they paid for nearly all of.
Since ex left we have maintained a relationship, not as close but we still have a relationship. The dc go there once a week for tea after school.
My in laws have always done a lot of jobs for us, both when ex was here and after. For example, they love gardening and have always helped with gardening and mowing the lawn. I also ask them to babysit occasionally but haven't needed to for a while.
Last summer they took me and dc away for a few days to the seaside, all paid for.
However, recently I have noticed that they haven't offered to do anything for a while. I thought perhaps they were taking a step back, felt awkward etc.
Whilst away I messaged to ask fil if he would mind putting my bin out, he replied of course no problem. Ds had also asked him to water some plants he has been growing.
This morning he popped round to bring some plant food for ds for his plants. He asked to speak to me without the kids which I thought was strange.
Anyway, it turns out ex has been giving him and mil a really hard time about them doing jobs for me. Saying they are disloyal and should stand by him etc. Fil is a real peacekeeper and will not want to rock the boat with his son, he is not really strong enough to tell him to get stuffed.
So he has basically told me that they have been told not to maintain a relationship with me, or do anything for me. They are very sad about it and do not agree but I don't think fil has the guts to stand up to ex. He said ex said some pretty nasty things. Mil may be different as he is not her son and she is pretty disgusted at his behaviour anyway.
Aibu to think this is out of order? Is it weird to think I can maintain a relationship with my in laws? I was going to invite them round for dinner this holiday but now don't feel like I can as I don't want them to worry about upsetting ex.
I am so cross about it. How dare he dictate who I have relationships with and who I don't? I am so tempted to text him and confront him about it but I don't want to make things difficult for my in laws. It's not the jobs I am cross about, I think I have more than proved I can do things for myself. It's the fact he thinks he can decide who I am friends with and who I am not. I wish my in laws were stronger and would stand up to him but that's their call not mine.
I honestly think it is because every single other friend we had jointly is still in my life and not in his, even people who he counted as family and I only met through him.
I could quite happily kill him right now for making my poor in laws have to make this 'decision'.

It's pure sour grapes. He can't do anything about the friends but he can do something about his dad. And doesn't care that he's cutting off his children's support network in the process. He's beyond selfish.

Will the kids still go once a week after school? Hope that won't stop. I would wait till the dust has settled and the schools are back and speak to FIL, framing it being about the kids and their relationship with FIL and his wife.

It is shit having to constantly deal with the fallout from his fuckwittery.

You're right it definitely is sour grapes.
This will not affect the kids relationship with them, they will still go round and they will still have the days out and annual holiday they have with them.
However, they are not stupid and they will soon pick up that their grandparents are in my life less.
Only last week we were talking about having them round for dinner this holiday. The kids will not forget and if they push it about them coming round I will tell them the truth - that their dad won't let his parents have much to do with me. I don't care that ex knows that I know, I just don't want to make things awkward for my in laws.
I think it is also partly that he knows his dad and step Mum din't think much of ow or her kids. They like me and always have and that must be hard for him to see.
Tough shit really, he chose to mess up what we had.

Absolutely tell the kids the truth.
And actually this is one instance where I would engage with him directly and ask him politely why he thinks it's a good idea to attempt to damage the kids circle of support and the relationships that protect and bind them in this way-because he feels in some way threatened by it.
This guy is SUCH a colossal twat.
Good on your ds for saying no to the whole weekend. I get the telling not asking too. I ignore it completely.

If I thought it would only hurt him and piss him off I would tell the kids in a heartbeat.
But I really do like my in laws and I don't want to cause them any hurt or upset, and I certainly don't want to jeopardise their relationship with their grandparents.
If push comes to shove though, they will be told.
This apparently happened several months ago but I thought my in laws were moving away from me of their own accord. They are still friends with mil's son's ex wife too and she has had the same treatment apparently.
I bet he hates the fact they are only round the corner when he has chosen to move further away. I wish they had a bit more backbone and could say they were seeing me out of their own free will but they won't, not at the moment anyway. I think mil would.
This is just another example of his shitty behaviour and proves I was right when I said I thought things were getting nastier.
I think he maybe realises he is losing his grip on the kids so is trying desperately to still have some control over me in other ways.

Pitiful. And controlling. I would probably speak to the DC because I think that the more information they have the less they will worry in fact.

You can be matter of fact , nd also explain what a difficult position their GPs have been put in. That wont be badmouthing simply being honest.

And if you had noticed the withdrawel chances are the DC have too and are anxious in their own way. Better to know than worry!

And I wouldn't change my behaviour towatds ILs or plans. Invite them if you want . Up to them. I'd certainly be making a point of trying to be friendly with MIL in particular.

Yes I think mil is definitely my way in.
Her and fil often don't see eye to eye but he can be very controlling in a gentle and u assuming way towards her.
She used to come here for a cup if tea and a rant every now and then, but fil isn't overly keen on her going out and doing things by herself. He's extremely old-fashioned.
She came round only about 2 weeks ago but she mentioned nothing about this altercation with ex, I guess she wasn't allowed. Fil said today he wasn't going to say anything but didn't want me to think they had suddenly stopped caring - they feel they have no choice.
She gave ex a good slagging off while she was here about how much he puts on his dad and how much he asked him to do on his house. I wish I had known at the time that they had been told not to have anything to do with him.
I am tempted to arrange a secret coffee rendezvous with her in town and see what her thoughts are.
Another thought is to email them. We often communicate via email anyway.
That way I can say what I want all in one go without it all coming out wrong.
I just want them to know that I do 't care what ex said. That I would like to maintain a relationship with them for all our sakes. I would also like to let them know that I am happy to text ex and tell him exactly what I think of him trying to run my life and theirs!

And now I have my usual Friday night upset texts from the kids.
Ds text me at 9 to say they were just going out to a pub. He didn't want to go but didn't want to stay alone. Then dd text me the same, she didn't want to go because she was tired.
Apparently Dad said it will just be one drink then Home. They told me what pub they were going to and it's only a 6 or 7 minute drive from his house.
They walked.
It took 55 minutes to get there over fields.
Dd text me at 10.25 to say they were setting off for home. So they walked for nearly an hour for one drink and then an hour back at 10.30 at night over fields.
Unbelievable.
Dd is in flip flops because she was told it was only a short walk. She text me in the walk to say she has blisters and cuts on her feet.
It just beggars belief. I don't know what to do or say.

In my opinion spending time with him is causing actual harm to your DC. I can't remember their ages but I suspect if you were to go down the legal route their wishes re contact would be considered.

I am not suggesting you suggest that but it may be something they are thinking themselves. Best to be prepared. Certainly staying with them is a disaster and as you know talking to him is pointless. He is utterly selfish and a piss poor parent.

I know you want better for them but sadly this is who and what he is. It may be they now need you to agree that different arrangements are required. So sorry you are dealing with the consequences of his fuck ups.

What Mrs P said...this can't go on. The man is a moron!

Who takes an 11 year old to a pub at 9 at night? For gods sake.
Sorry op-This has actually made me rage on your behalf and that of the kids.

The twattery continues. It's breaking me.

Don't let him get to you!

Your children have you and this is their saving grace. I am sure that they will naturally move away from long visits to a place where they feel so uncomfortable.

He really isn't thinking with his brain is he?

Is it weird to think I can maintain a relationship with my in laws? I was going to invite them round for dinner this holiday but now don't feel like I can as I don't want them to worry about upsetting ex

They are his children's grandparents. Could you approach it that way? Does he wish to deny his children a relationship with their grandparents?

He is trying to break you. So don't let him. Take back control.

I know you wanted to avoid lawyers. But that was when you assumed an amicable co parenting relationship with him financally supporting his DC. That hasn't happened. He is fucking around his DC, his DPS and trying to fuck you around too. I suspect he has always been selfish and manipulative but you managed it.

Either way you can decide what is best for you and your DC. At least consider a lawyer now and setting out firm arrangements re the DC that suit them and more importantly are in their best interests. If he doesn't like it he can go to court. He won't. Explain it all to your DC and your PsIL if you feel the need to. Otherwise he will continue to chip, chip away at you till you are a shell and more damage has been done to the DC.

He may step up. He may not. It is up to him. He loves the DC I am sure but that doesn't make him a good father and you can't make him be one. Or keep pretending to your DC he is however much you want to protect them.

I'd also go as low contact as you can. Via email perhaps once a week? Other than emergencies don't respond. He isn't in charge of you or your life. In my experience you will feel so much better if you feel in control again. You have come so far, you can get there.

The passive aggressive texts are annoying but nothing I can't handle.
Upsetting my kids is another matter.
I just feel too angry to get it all down at the mo but will post later.

Some if the stuff dd told me yesterday disgusted me.
Her dad has been questioning her about why she calls my house home, why she rings and FaceTimes and texts me while she's at his house etc. Er, I think the answer to those questions is pretty obvious!
He questioned a parenting decision I made very subtly, he got a short, curt answer.
I so nearly replied with all the shit parenting decisions he has made over the last two years - unfortunately it would take far too long but I am close, oh so close.
He then questioned an arrangement I made yesterday 'because it's awkward for the kids'.
We talked, they don't care do I told him I like the arrangement and it stays. By this point I didn't give two shits what he thought.
Today has been a lovely chilled day just puttering around town doing jobs. Ds has been swimming with friends and then out for lunch, dd and I have ordered her new bedroom carpet and been playing some games.
I love days when I don't hear from him, I can pretend he doesn't exist.

You need to go grey rock, literally ignore his texts - he has no right to impose any opinion on what happens in your contact time unless it's a safeguarding issue.

Ignore, ignore, ignore...

Don't let him push you. He is aware you are moving on, and don't care about him or his opinion. Despite all he has done that is bugging him. Plus he knows, at some level, what the DC think.

Again, ignore what you can, and look at more formal contact arrangements, and communication. Again, the DC's needs are vital, not his. You are a teacher, so can ask yourself what you would suggest if any of your students confided in you about fuckwit dads. You have never wanted your DC to lose their relationship with him. Sadly he is doing that all by himself.

Your MIL may be an ally here too, in helping support the DC.

I am sure that your children love their dad but they can't really see him or his place as 'stable' or 'secure' or any of the things they would link with 'home'. He hasn't been there long -- is living there with another family and is only reluctantly adapting it for the two of them. How can he not see this?

He does sound envious of the relationship you have with them...when he should really be glad that they are not suffering more!

Thankfully they have you and the world you have kept steady for them during some very stormy times.

Yes-he's jealous of the relationship you have with them and probably deep down feeling a bit guilty and a bit sad that he disrupted your lives for his own selfish reasons. His life can't be easy now and he must be well aware that he is rapidly losing those children.

Unfortunately his reaction to that is to act like a brat and try and disrupt their relationships with you and your with his family. He's truly pathetic.

Yes to grey rock. But also I think yes to getting something binding in place re the contact. Because I don't trust him to not start being manipulative towards the kids now im sorry to say.

Jesus Christ OP... you have the patience of a ruddy saint....

I definitely think you are right about the jealousy.
At the start of our split he was all full of you're a brilliant Mum, it will always be about what's best for the kids, we'll always put them first etc etc.
How quickly he has forgotten, not quite even two years yet.
I definitely think she is fuelling a lot of this stuff. Not that I don't blame him, because he is big enough to make his own decisions, but I think she is definitely stoking the fire.
I'm not sure if she is jealous too, who knows. Her relationship with her kids is a bit weird.
I just can't believe how toxic he has become. Unlike other couples who split where the relationship was wrong for a while, we weren't.
He was a good dad if a bit grumpy at tunes but he always looked out for them and put them first.
He and dd always had a more difficult relationship. She can be very argumentative and can be hard work.
If what she says is true, she did give him a few home truths this weekend. He told her she was being selfish by talking to me during 'his' time. She told him it was a joke him calling her selfish. He asked for an example of when he was selfish. She says she said 'try breaking up a family for starters'.
I hope she did say that, he needs to hear it.
I have talked with them a lot over the last couple of days and told them that they really need to sit down and talk to him about how they feel. They say if they do he gets upset and then they feel bad. I explained that he needs to feel bad in order to change.
I want to shake him and say stop trying to be an arse to me to make yourself feel superior. For god's sake concentrate your energy in your relationship with your dc before you lose them both for good.

Also, what is grey rock?