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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

999 replies

aleC4 · 01/01/2017 21:19

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

OP posts:
TheLastNigel · 27/06/2018 11:21

Let's hope not my love...I get a bit anxious like this (quite a lot) and I'd have to say that about 70 per cent of the time I've been wrong-it's a sort of residual anxiety/pessimism from what's already gone on. Horrible when I get a wobble like that though.
And let's face it-what could be worse than what he's already done? Your ids know the score, you know the score-be watchful, it don't let him scare you-because that's letting him win.

Original poster
aleC4 · 28/06/2018 22:42

Thanks Nigel for the reassurance.
It's a strange feeling I have at the mo.
If I'm really honest I think he has maybe realising that he's losing his grip on the kids. Moving in with ow permanently is a big step and the kids are not happy about it.
I think he is trying to involve her in their lives more to make a 'happy family ' but in doing that he's pushing them further away.
He is taking her to dds music co very next week at school.
It's not a big hall and they don't put the seats in rows. They put them all round tables to make it more intimate. It will be interesting to say the least. Thank god I will have ds with me.

OP posts:
TheLastNigel · 29/06/2018 21:15

Jesus, that's tough. You surely won't have to sit with them?? That's too much.

Zofloraqueen27 · 29/06/2018 23:35

Alec I am pleased to see you back here - I often think about you and wonder how you are.

Can I suggest a well tried strategy to use if and when you have to be in the same company as exh and ow? I am sure it will help you get through what undoubtedly will be an unpleasant and uncomfortable time.

Think of Hillary Clinton. I well remember watching the Inauguration when Trump robbed her of the Presidency. If you ever get a chance to see it on news reviews etc. It is worth watching her.

Like her or not I felt for her when she had to go onto the podium before DT and face the many thousands of people there. The look on her face beforehand showed the awful strain she was under and she did say later that all she wanted to do was run away rather than go through the following half hour or so.

As she arrived she had the brightest smile and happy face, even though she felt absolutely crushed.

She waved to and acknowledged many people in the mass of onlookers and all the while she couldn’t even focus on anyone, but she pulled off a bravura performance, never once letting herself down or showing her true feelings.

HC got through a very traumatic public appearance with her dignity intact.

If you ever see the tv coverage check her out. She smiled and waved and just never really made eye contact with anyone.

Whenever I am in a difficult situation with people I do not like or want to be with I can now (after a lot of necessary practice) virtually pixilate that person’s whole being/face whilst going through the motions of the good manners and civilised behaviour sometimes unavoidably necessary.

Which is just a long winded way of saying just put on your best HC face, go out there - into the school hall - wherever - and just look happy, confident and relaxed. This way you will leave knowing you have not let yourself be intimidated in any way.....then go home and have a large gin and tonic.

Don’t be unsettled by your ex and the ow - you are so far above them they couldn’t possibly understand.

Koko.

Goodasgoldilox · 30/06/2018 02:01

Good advice from Zofloraqueen. I quite agree about the HC footage and a certain kind of quiet courage in action.

Goodasgoldilox · 30/06/2018 02:04

I do sometimes wonder what the queen does when she has to be gracious to vile dictators and other assorted low-lives that our government needs her to be gracious to. (No wonder she wears gloves!) She does do it very well.

It is a technique that might be very useful at the music gathering!

Original poster
aleC4 · 01/07/2018 00:49

Thanks for this advice ladies, it made me smile.
I have already brought my inner HC out when exh unexpectedly turned up at ds rugby presentation with ow, her dd and dd's boyfriend.
He messaged dd and told her they were coming and luckily she told me.
As they walked over the hill I was cheersing my rugby Mum friends with a glass of wine! That felt good.
I won't have to sit with them at the concert. I will sit with ds and make sure I speak to as many people as I can.😃

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 03/07/2018 23:36

Well I did it. I took my inner HC firmly by the shirt and curlies and did myself proud.
I sat with ds. Ex and ow sat at the other side.
After they have performed the children got to go and sit with their families - I wonder who she chose .....😉

OP posts:
Goodasgoldilox · 04/07/2018 00:16

Ah - so your children are HC supporters :)

TheLastNigel · 04/07/2018 18:47

Good on you op.

Original poster
aleC4 · 07/07/2018 22:59

He's really pissed me off tonight making demands about the summer holidays and when he'll have them.
Pissed me right off.
I'm not sure the kids are going to be overly happy with the arrangement he wants but I won't force them to go if they don't want to.
They have nothing at all to do at his new house and he is doing nothing to address the problem. They are bored stiff and just sit around playing on phones.

OP posts:
TheLastNigel · 08/07/2018 07:08

Well he can demand all he wants I guess-but that doesnt mean you have to say yes. And if the kids don't want to go then that's that.

ponygirlcurtis · 08/07/2018 10:14

He can demand but you don't have to agree.
Suggest something that will work better for the kids, point out that what he is asking for won't be suitable for them (so it's all framed about them) and remind him that if they don't want to go at any point over the holidays, they can make that choice.
(Ps he is a knob.)

Turnedovernewleaf · 08/07/2018 12:06

I feel compelled to say well done for handling the school concert so well.

I admire you 💐

Sorry to hear he is making school holidays tricky but I think your DC are beginning to realise that it's much better with mum

Take care

Goodasgoldilox · 08/07/2018 12:56

Sorry to hear that he is still being a pain. You don't have to say 'yes' if it doesn't suit you AND your DC are at a age when they do have a say. It really isn't up to him.

Your house is DC's home.

His house is just a place where they can see him.

He would have to work quite hard to make his place into theirs and it doesn't sound as if he is willing or able to do so.

Original poster
aleC4 · 11/07/2018 22:06

Had a series of upset texts from ds last night saying how much he hated being there.
He was so fed up.
I have reiterated to him again that he doesn't have to go.
I think fairly soon the overnights visits when her kids are there will stop.

OP posts:
Goodasgoldilox · 11/07/2018 22:47

Can they get back home to you under their own steam? An emergency fare home is useful as a back-up in all sorts of situations. It is probably less messy than having to ask for a lift - or getting you involved.

Original poster
aleC4 · 11/07/2018 23:11

Not really at night.
I guess in the day they could if they found out about the buses but they would have to go into the city and change buses to come back.
Tbh I am perfectly happy to go and get them at any time of the night or day. Obviously sometimes I have had a drink so I now have an emergency £20 in a drawer for a cab should I need it.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 11/07/2018 23:12

Sounds like the right decision for the DC. And it may well be that things will be more settled for them and you at home. Although may well get worse before better.

What a fool he has been and how much he has lost.

TheLastNigel · 12/07/2018 11:47

Well ds will soon vote with his feet I guess... which given how much of a tool your ex has and is being might be better for him...I never would have advocated that as an option at one point in my life but I've come to see that if one parent is toxic it might in some cases be better for the kids to make their own choices and if that is not to see their parent who is Hurting them then it might be for the best.

Horrible for you having to get those messages though op. Worst feeling in the work thinking your kid is upset and you can't help. I had similar with one of mine over the weekend-and to make matters worse exh hasn't even been honest with me about what happened-and it's quite hard not to be able to trust the person you co parent with to have your own children's best interests at heart.

kaitlinktm · 12/07/2018 13:29

Well ds will soon vote with his feet I guess... and if he does, then I would imagine DD won't be far behind.

Does his father know how unhappy he is/was at his house?

Original poster
aleC4 · 15/07/2018 08:08

He says he told him he didn't like it.
His dad said give it a chance, you'll get used to it. I think the change of having ow's kids there is the problem for ds.
They are not there at weekends so that is easier for him to deal with.
On Friday they went and things were ok but then dd woke up being sick. She messaged her dad but he didn't answer. Because of ow she doesn't feel able to just walk into his bedroom like she would here.
It was ds that ended up helping her every time she was sick and cleaning it up.
In the morning she told her dad she wanted to come straight home. He tried to convince her to stay but she says when she's ill she wants to be with me.

OP posts:
Goodasgoldilox · 15/07/2018 11:52

Wow - that is a serious failure on the part of their Dad.

They don't know how to wake him - or what to do at his house in an emergency. THese are the things older children really need to know. How has he not sorted this out?

+He wasn't looking after them or listening out for them in the night. These are the things you do for younger children (because they can't be expected to know how to deal with a night emergency etc.)

TheLastNigel · 18/07/2018 06:51

Has he said anything about that? Or can he really not see the damage he has done and continues to do?
Dd being sick and feeling unable to tell him or ask him for help would surely to god open his eyes a little bit?

MilkshakeMonkey · 25/07/2018 07:59

I commented on your post in the early days (before he admitted ow) and have lurked since. My god he really is something! I’m waiting to hear he’s brought a sports car and dyed his hair!
Your children have made their own opinion and it will be his loss. My friends children (a little older then yours) joke about their dads lack of parenting and adore their DM all the more! As they were a little older (both early teens) and have phones, my friend set up a WhatsApp group with them and ex to discuss visits access. They quickly got the jist if him changing plans to suit him, lack of replying to messages, mum informing him of school stuff (that he then didn’t turn up to) etc. Might be an idea for the future. Keep it simple communication (no emotion) and the facts will speak for themselves. She set it up with the wording they were old enough to be involved in the plans for their weekends and to avoid children double booking themselves with friends (which are very important to teenagers!)

Any way, you are rocking single parenting and you should be super proud how far you have come Flowers