2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

Ow children are a similar age but none doing sats.
They have gone tonight but dd is not really very well. I know she's rather be here. I think she is just exhausted after the pressure of sats but she definitely has a temperature too.
Last Friday was awful because she rang me late after a row with her dad. It got physical and I just wanted to go and get her. I won't be having a drink tonight just in case.
I do worry about what happens when he loses his rag with her. He seems on a very short fuse and it's not the first time he has hurt her dragging her to her room.

it's not the first time he has hurt her dragging her to her room.

Does she really have to go OP - I am not surprised you are worried? He should not be getting physical with her. What a horrible person he is turning out to be.

That would be a absolute no go for me. A man physically dragging his daughter. He is abusing her, you realise that. And I am well aware her behaviour may be far from ideal but that is not an excuse.

You don't have to make her go if she doesn't want to. Or importantly if you don't think she should.

Did you placate/appease him when you were together because it seems to me that is what you are doing here. And possibly regarding finances etc too. No judgement by the way. I did it myself both within and after my marriage. But things got better when I managed to stop .

I definitely did not placate or appease him when we were together. There wasn't really a reason too.
Things were never volatile, we didn't really argue and just plodded along nicely.
He has always found dd difficult to handle but never really lost it.
It has happened once before when we first split up.
Things were highly charged emotionally and we were all finding our feet in a new life. Dd came home once and said she had had a row with her dad and he has picked her up by her ankles to move her out the room. Ds agreed with the story.
At the time I did not challenge it, perhaps I should have done. I just put it down to the emotion of the recent events. Apparently he was very upset afterwards and she seemed ok.
They argue, a lot. Dd is very difficult at times and can be very selfish. She knows what buttons to press with her dad.

The problem is she lies a lot and I have to be so careful with her. She told me last Friday that they rowed and he sent her to bed. She refused to move so he pulled her up the stairs and hurt her elbow. This time ds was in the kitchen and saw nothing.
I have told dd I believe her but I have also told her to bear in mind how many lies she has told me too. She makes it very difficult.
I have told her if anything like that ever happens again she must let me know straight away. I would fetch her in a heartbeat but regardless I would tackle him about it if it happened again.
I would never make them go to his. In fact I have reiterated to them many times that they have a choice. At the moment neither has said they don't want to but I feel that time may come soon when the big move happens.
I hate being in this situation. I hate the thought of having to enter into difficult conversations with a man I can't stand and certainly don't know any more. However I know I will if I have to, to protect the kids.

Oh OP how awful...you need to have this out with him

I have made a note of the incident last weekend and will continue to note down anything they say that concerns me in case I need it in the future.
There is a lot of stuff he does that is not actual actions if you see what's mean? It is just how he makes them feel.
Ds said yesterday about the upcoming move 'now he's about to mess our lives up all over again' 🙁

Maybe the upcoming move will be the final straw and they will both decline to visit him after that. In your shoes that would be what I was hoping for, although it will mean no free time for you, but that becomes less of an issue the older they get.

Chances are that if they do decide not to visit him, he will be completely blind to the fact that it is his own fault and will try to blame you for influencing them. TBH from what we have heard, I don't think he will be too bothered not to have them every other week - he will probably just want to wheel them out for special occasions as trophy children.

Kaitlin I think you may be right.
At the moment he has them every Friday night until Saturday lunch and a week night.
The weeknight is going to be difficult as the new house is further away.
I am sort of hoping the move is the final straw. Yes I would miss my down time when I just get a bit of silence and don't have any ferrying around to do but I would give that up if it meant life was better for them.
I have people to babysit if I want to go out.
I know they are dreading the move.
I just have to make sure I am here when they need me as I know it's going to set them both back emotionally.
I think he would be totally shocked if they said they didn't want to go. I think he still genuinely believes he is a good dad. He is so blindsided by ow that he can't see what damage he has done and is still doing.
It doesn't help that ow's kids think he is Dad if the year!

Thursday night I messaged him some dates about h

Sorry pressed post by accident.
Thursday night I messaged him some dates about holidays etc and asked if we could swap a Friday for a Saturday in a few weeks. I have a night out with friends although I didn't state the reason. I have always been flexible with dates.
He replied to all other things but not this.
Finally he replied today to say h could do it but in the same reply asked to have them on Father's Day which is 17th June.
Normally I would be fine about this. The reasonable side of me says he is their father and I see why he wants to see them, I would feel the same about Mother's Day.
However it is my sisters 40th the day before and we have a family party on the Saturday night.
I am driving there, about an hour away and we are staying over. I was hoping to spend the Sunday chilling with my family.
However now I feel I have to get the kids back so exh can see them on Father's Day.
At the moment I have explained why we are away and said I will do my best to get them back for late morning. I think that is reasonable.
We have a family party and I will be drinking. I don't want to have to be thinking about what I am drinking because I have to drive the next morning.
I told the kids tonight and they are annoyed. They wanted to spend Sunday with their cousins. However, they do understand that he wants to see him and are being good about it.
50% of me thinks I have to be reasonable and still make sure they see him on Father's Day. The other 50% thinks sod it, it's just another day and he has been a shit father recently anyway!

Hello @aleC4

I hope you don't mind me posting on your thread. I have been following you right from your very first post. You have come such a long way.

I just wanted to say that you have dealt with everything amazingly well.
It sounds as though your a super mum and a very fair lady. Keep going !

Love reading your updates to hear how things are going

Ha - he just wants them there on Father's Day to give him a card and present and emphasise the fact that, as OW's children think - he is a great dad. Trophy children - like I said.

Does he know that they really wanted to spend the day with their cousins?

I wonder if OW's children will give him a (step)-father's day present too?

Oh I'm sure they will.if I have to give them money for the present it will be deliberately shit.
I got out of doing his birthday this year as ow did it with them.

Fathers Day - just say "Sorry there are plans with the cousins that day"

Ministry say you will be back at tea time an she can have them for dinner. You have plans, you don't need to alter them for him.

Can you suggest he collects them at lunchtime if he wants to see them on Fathers Day so you can continue to see your family. DC will see their cousins for half a day.

I woukd suggest he comes to collect them so you are not driving back early

Half term is here - hooray.
Time for some down time.

Have a good rest Ale!

Thank you Kaitlin, I will.
The first part will be strange as I don't have the dc Sunday, Monday or Tuesday but at least I can have a bit of me time.

Well back into the swing of work now.
Dd has had her Y6 residential this week and had a great time. The house was peaceful without all the arguments but we missed her.
This week is the week exh has to move out of his rented house. It is being sold and his tenancy is up.
The house che is buying with ow is not ready yet so he is moving into her flat for a bit.
I am predicting very turbulent behaviour from the dc during this period - ready to batten down the hatches.......

Good luck Ale. Could the dc just visit and not sleep over until he's settled into the new house?

Ugh lord-it never stops with him does it?
Lots of love to you and the kids...sorry they are going through more upheaval.

Thanks.
They won't sleep over at hers, they have already made that quite clear.
They will just visit until they are in the new house and he will just have to do more travelling.
At the moment he lives 5 mins drive away, the new house is more like 25 mins.
I'm prepared for a lot of emotional stuff from ds and bad behaviour from dd. They show it in such different ways but at least I am ready for it. Ds said the other day 'he's going to ruin our lives all over again' 😢

So exh and ow are now in their home, but not sleeping there yet even though he makes the kids sleep there!
They are Working hard on it I think to make it better. The dc are moaning slightly less but are very bored there.
I'm feeling uneasy though.
I haven't felt like this really before but I have feeling, and I don't really know why, that things are going to start getting nasty.
It's nothing to do with the new house as such. It is just a few things that have been said/done that make me feel a mixture of angry and anxious.