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Original poster

2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

999 replies

aleC4 · 01/01/2017 21:19

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 02/04/2018 22:16

Thank you zoflora, very kind of you to say that. I think it's only now that I can actually look and feel proud of myself, it's a good feeling.
We've had a lovely time away with the family. We are all so lucky to have such a great family around us. I had a laugh with my dsis and dbil and the kids had a ball with their cousins.
I have been talking a lot to family over the weekend about house stuff and still feel very undecided. House prices seem to be going up and up here and I'm not sure moving might be as good an idea as I thought.
There are so many pros and cons.
I love my house and where it is. It doesn't make me think of ex at all. The kids are happy here and it's all they've ever known.
It's just so old and tired and I can't really afford to do much to it.
Decisions, decisions....

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 08/04/2018 22:38

Well another school holiday has flown by.
We've had some nice family time and some days just chilling out too, we needed that.
I wish two weeks at work went as quickly as two weeks off!

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 09/04/2018 06:49

Might you have a room for a lodger?

To cover the maintenance shortfall?

Praps as a weekday rental to a fellow teacher or professional, so the house is family only at weekends.

Original poster
aleC4 · 09/04/2018 22:25

No room here, dd has a tiny box room as it is. I'm not sure I could share my home with anyone either! I love being mistress of this castle!
I've got the kids on a new pocket money/jobs regime as they were getting very lazy. The house looks better already and it's really nice not to have to do everything. The problem is I do most of housework when they are not here and I'm sure they think it all happens by magic

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 29/04/2018 15:35

Goodness it's been along time since I checked in.
Ds is away with school this weekend, he went Friday and is back tomorrow.
I am surprised at how much I have missed him. I mean obviously I would but there is a real hole in the house without him.
Ds is driving me mad as well today, being a right selfish brat to be precise. We've had words this afternoon so she is upstairs in her room and I am downstairs.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 29/04/2018 16:45

Maybe she is missing him too? Is your DD going to secondary school in September? It's a time of big changes for her - also some of them start their terrible teens early!

Original poster
aleC4 · 29/04/2018 18:21

She's missing having him to argue with I think and using me instead!
Yes she is off to secondary but is really looking forward to it.
I know she is stressing about her sats in 2 weeks time. She never bothers about school stuff really but I know these are playing on her mind a bit. It's her birthday party next weekend so hopefully that will alleviate the stress a little?
She started her terrible teens the minute she finished terrible twos I think!

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 29/04/2018 18:55

Grin Grin Grin
I suppose ex is still being his charming self AleC - is it a month till half term?

Original poster
aleC4 · 29/04/2018 19:30

Yes he is!
He and the witch have bought a house! Not all fine through yet but I am dreading the reaction from the kids when it all happens.
He will not be in the same town any more which brings it's own problems.
The ideas they have for making the rooms work with 5 kids in the house are ludicrous.
He is still totally unreasonable with the things he says/does with the kids.
He owes me two lots of money for the kids school holidays. It's not due until end of May but I am keeping a very close eye on it.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 29/04/2018 22:45

What a git he is. How can he possibly think the OW (and her kids) are worth more than his own. It won't be long now before your DC just refuse to visit him, and who can blame them?

My ex came into quite a hefty inheritance recently - didn't share any of it with his kids though. Nice. I will never understand men like this.

Good job we don't need them.

Original poster
aleC4 · 02/05/2018 06:29

He is a git you're right.
I hate the fact that my kids feel second best to hers.
I think you are right about not wanting to visit. Ds is very loyal and loves his dad but thinks he's an idiot. I don't think he will cope with having ow's kids around more, he hates them.
I can see contact slipping further away.
I have a feeling he would be the same about money.
He tells the kids he has no money and can't afford thus that and the other.
But he is buying a house and must have got a deposit from somewhere? His dad I expect.
He dragged the kids round Ikea on Saturday looking at furniture for the new house. Apparently they want everything new even though they gave two houses worth of furniture already.
Those of you on your own, if you have a private arrangement for maintenance, how often do you review it?
He paid a good amount when he was teaching, then cut it to a pathetic amount when he was on supply.
Now he has a different job and nothing has changed.
Do you think I would be reasonable to ask him to review it every so often? How often?
We just did it through the inline calculator which if you ask me gives peanuts for what a child costs. I have to trust he is telling me the truth about the amount that comes out. 😏

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 02/05/2018 08:51

Can't really help with the maintenance issue I'm afraid as mine were older - he just said an amount he could afford and we went with that. He did agree to pay whilst they were studying, but when my youngest gave up his course he just stopped immediately - with no prior notice - and he hasn't had a penny off him since (he is now 30).

Is it worth going via the CMS, or do you think it would make you worse off? If he has a job rather than being self-employed then I don't think he could hide his earnings from them. I am sure other people will know better than me though.

If the children spend less time with him, you would be entitled to more maintenance though.

I can't get over him telling them he has no money to buy them stuff and then takes them round Ikea to get unnecessary new stuff for his house - that's rubbing their faces in it. How cruel.

Original poster
aleC4 · 02/05/2018 22:28

When we first split up he went in the online calculator and then took the amount they suggested and added on half of the childcare and all the kids clubs etc.
At that point he was also offering half of all school trips, birthday parties etc.
When he decided he could no longer afford that he went back in the calculator. The amount was less because he earns less as a supply teacher. Fair enough.
But this time he left it at that with no offer of half of anything else.
What he gives me barely covers what they eat in a week to be honest, not including school dinners.
That means I am paying all childcare, all trips, clothes, presents for parties, birthday costs for their parties/treats, hobbies and clubs, pocket money, their savings accounts and all the other incidental times they need money.
It just doesn't seem fair.
I can't see how, when he only has them 2 nights a week, that he should pay so little.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 03/05/2018 09:46

It really doesn't seem fair - I remember I always used to think, what if I had done this? What if I had put my own desires first and just paid a pittance towards my own children's upbringing? If we had both acted the way he did, the children would have been destitute. It is worse for you because your children are so much younger.

Does nobody (you - his parents - whoever) ever make pointed remarks - eg "I see you have enough money for new furniture/meals out/holidays etc, but not enough to pay for X for DS or Y for DD"? I am afraid I wouldn't be able to help myself.

Sorry - not much use, just empathy. Sad

TheLastNigel · 03/05/2018 15:37

It's vague as to what child maintenance should pay for. We have interpreted it as a roof over their heads, and food, and percentage of bills. Mine pays me what the CSA says he should for his salary vis the amount of nights I have them, (which in practice doesn't cover their board and lodgings quite). Out of that money (plus my own wages obvs) I pay for stuff like
Haircuts, most of their clothes, every day costs etc etc. We tend to go halves on Christmas and birthday presents, School lunch money, club fees...(on top of the maintenance payment), there was a big row about School trips, because as he earns massively more than me I strongly think he should pay more-we settled on me paying the first certain percentage of all trips, him paying the rest-which should mean that any more expensive ones aren't out of reach for them (although that wasn't easily agreed).

Original poster
aleC4 · 04/05/2018 22:58

I wish ours was more equal.
I obviously don't know what he earns so it is doff

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 04/05/2018 23:03

Sorry don't know what happened there!
It is difficult.
I cannot even guess at his wages.
It just annoys me that he seems to have money to do up a house, go on holiday, but new furniture, eat out etc when I don't.
I know I must earn more than him but every penny I earn goes on bills and the kids,
I wish he would contribute more. It's not about me.
Like you said Nigel, surely maintenance equates to food, clothes and a roof over their head. Mine just about covers food.

OP posts:
TheLastNigel · 09/05/2018 11:16

You might have to go via CSA then-although that's not foolproof in that it seems people can just basically give them any old figure for their earnings...

It does seem bloody unfair. I take it he wouldn't be open to further discussion?

Angelf1sh · 09/05/2018 11:55

He’s going to be buying his own Christmas/birthday presents for them though, surely? In which case he wouldn’t be contributing to half of yours, same with holidays. School trips etc are a different matter though.

Original poster
aleC4 · 09/05/2018 18:14

I wouldn't expect him to pay half towards our holidays, that's not right.
I also don't expect him to pay half to presents, we buy our own.
A contribution towards birthday parties wouldn't go amiss though.
He has paid half towards the kids school residential trips but not regular school trips.
I don't think asking for half for the childcare and hobbies is asking too much?
What he pays literally covers their food and nothing else - it definitely does not go any way towards a roof over their head. There is nothing left for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 16/05/2018 22:13

Not had a good weekend with him and the kids.
Dd has sats this week and I had asked him to make sure she went to bed early and things were calm.
Fat chance.

OP posts:
flowerpot1000000 · 16/05/2018 23:01

Sorry to hear this OP. My friend divorced her DH and her solicitor saud she must get it in writing maintenance must be reviewed every 12 months.

Have you had your 2 lots of money yet

kaitlinktm · 17/05/2018 08:50

Perhaps he would prefer she didn't visit then whilst the SATs are on, if he can't make sure she has the calm and rest she needs - what does she think? Surely they must be coming up to the age now where they can choose whether or not they want to see him?

Are OW's children a similar age - any of them doing SATs too?

He is such a nobber

Goodasgoldilox · 17/05/2018 18:04

It seems that he has become a very different man during this year!
Thank-goodness the children have you.

flowerpot1000000 · 17/05/2018 21:38

How are you OP