2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

They did thanks.
The day out went ok I think but ds came back very angry because of the other kids. He can't stand them.
He is actually a very tolerant person but can't stand injustice and feels that his dad lets them do things that that he and his sister would get shouted at for.

I do know the kids from before when ex and the ow were 'friends' and we used to all go out together. They really are a nightmare. They have not been disciplined at all and do what they like. They are rude and very embarrassing in public.
I have reiterated to ds again last night that if his dad organises a day out with them and he didn't want to go he doesn't have to.
We have a full day out today doing various things and meeting up with friends so that will please him.

Lapse parenting makes for unruly kids. There will come a day when your DC wont want to go and wont then ex will see.

Ugh, I've just been reminded of all I disliked about my ex when I lived with him. And reminded why I don't miss him one bit.
Arsing about picking the kids up and making demands to them.
Knob.

And still he annoys me.
Why do I let him piss me off?
It's just the amount he has changed from what he used to be. Not towards me but towards the kids.
They were telling about yet another row that erupted at the dinner table last night. Sounds like he was being totally unreasonable again. I just wonder how long it will be before the kids turn round and say, do you know what, I'm not coming any more?
I specifically asked him to give dd a decent filling lunch today as she had three hours of gymnastics afterwards. What did she get? Two Greggs sausage rolls and a packet of Chewitts with no drink! I beg of you.

Hello alec

I’m sorry, I don’t know you back story.
It seems you are some way one from your marriage breakup and still suffering
I’m sorry 💐

I hear you... it's really hard to let go of the anger towards them sometimes.

Do you think he would be bothered if they did stop seeing him, or would he prefer time with OW and her kids?

How's it going with the maintenance? Is he still doing his market stall or has he taken any supply work?

It's funny isn't it, a bit of distance from them and suddenly you see what a knob they are and wonder if other people saw this all along and if it was just you who was blind to it.

I am not sure Kaitlin.
They feel when they are there that he couldn't care less whether they are there or not. However he still makes a big deal of getting his two nights a week and says he misses them if they have something on.
As predicted,the stall has of course failed, like every other project he ever took on - our marriage included! 😂
He is now working n his step brothers factory and she is working there too, part time.

Well I'm extremely surprised his market stall didn't work out . I get the feeling he's not quite Alan Sugar. And he's now a qualified teacher working in a factory...and losing his kids to boot... I wonder when he'll wake up and realise what he's done here... if it weren't for the fact that your lovely kids have to put up with him it would be quite a pleasing dose of karma... as it is...at least they have you as a decent, normal and lovely role model...that should protect them from the rest...

Full of drama round here as usual - dd has fractured her wrist falling off a beam at gymnastics!

Oh poor thing - hope it's not too painful!

One more day to go until the Easter holidays! It's only been a short half term but boy do we need a break!
Really looking forward to spending some time with my two buddies.

Yes, it's felt like a long term, hasn't it? Must be all the terrible weather.

Hope everything is going well for you.

Have a lovely Easter aleC4 how is your DD's wrist?

Thanks, her wrist is a lot better now.
She is having periods of time without the splint now and will hopefully be back at gym after the holidays.
It's amazing how quickly little bodies can heal.
It's a beautiful sunny day today and we are off to watch ds in a rugby match this morning. Then I think I may do a bit of puttering around in the garden later.

I started reading this earlier, I have to take my hat of to you Ale, you have dealt with the events with courage and dignity, whilst concentrating on the welfare and wellbeing of your Dc at all times.

Ale I have to ask you this, how do you restrain yourself when the DC return upset because of something that may have happened over the weekend, and not jump on the phone that you could just give the exh a massive blasting and a good piece of your mind?

There have so many instances over time when i feel if it was me I wouldn't be able to contain myself.

I know we have to choose our battles, but is there ever one point when you look back and think I should have ripped him apart for (insert incident here)

Wishing you a lovely Sunday

Icepink thanks for your message.
The answer to your question is, in all honesty, I don't know.
Since we split I have become much more protective of my children, as if they are now solely my responsibility and it is up to me to mould and shape them but also to protect them and help them learn about life.
When they come back from his upset sometimes it makes me want to go round and stab him! At the very least just shake him and say what the hell are you doing?
To be honest just the sight of him and the sound of his pathetic voice repulse me now and that is usually enough to put me off. I can't bear to be near him, we communicate as little as possible.
I must admit though there are times when I think I would love to just sit down with him and have it out. I'd love to have a list of questions/incidents and go through every one. I genuinely think he has such tunnel vision nowadays he actually has no idea about what his actions are doing to the kids. He is so focused on ow and what she needs and wants that the kids come second every time.

But that's the thing. Nothing you say to them registers or else they just tune it out and use it as evidence to justify why they've behaved as they have in the first place 'oh she's having a go at me, she must be crazy, I'm so glad I'm out of it' sort of thing. That sort of ego wouldn't hear what you are saying and would twist it to make you, in their mind, the bad person. And that leaves you feeling even worse and doubting yourself because it's hard to reconcile the reasonable person you thought you were married to, that had the kids interests at heart, to the selfish idiot in front of you. It's a waste of time and your energy in the end to try and reason with them.

Glad you are having a nice Easter break my love-I drove past yesterday on my way down the M1 and gave you a little mental wave

Very true words Nigel.
He has changed so much that his reactions and answers to the simplest of things are never what I expect.
To begin with I thought it was a mistake and he was just confused, then over time I realised that's what he is now.
A completely different person, a stranger, and not one I want to know.

Buying a house with ow is now on the cards and I think it will destroy his relationship with the kids for good but that's for him to find out.
Thanks for the wave, I got it!

Got a child free day today, they went to their dad's last night for tea and are coming back tonight at 9.
I'm only just showered and dressed.
Nice to just do bugger all for a bit.
I have lots of housey stuff planned for today and a bit of shopping, nothing too taxing!
The weather is dreadful so doesn't make me want to go out! We had a nice long walk yesterday round the nature reserve and then pottered in the garden for the afternoon. Good job we enjoyed the sunshine while it lasted!

Sometimes it is actually quite nice to have a day to yourself... not too often though...weird how when they are little it have them all the time you want nothing more half the time but when it's forced on you it sucks!

You're right, it is, but I'm always happy when they come back too.
Today we had a lovely walk through the field with friends/kids to a county pub for lunch. The weather forecast was rubbish but it turned out to be a beautiful sunn day.
It was lovely to be outdoors, getting fresh air and exercise and the kids had a laugh with their friends.
I feel so thankful to have the friends I do. I have a lovely close group and because we are all teachers/TAs we all get the same holidays.
Tomorrow ds is going to the cinema with a friend so dd and I will drop him off then go for a wander round the shopping centre. I'm sure that will cost me.....

I'm so glad you're having good times. Sounds like the kids are doing really well. Friends have carried me through my divorce. They are so supportive and it helps having someone else's perspective. I can see some positives about going through this horror and there's no doubt that seeing how much my friends are there for me is one of them. The other is getting closer to my siblings. We got on ok before, but now I know I can turn to them at any time and they'll be there for me. Hope the sun shines on you today Ale, even at the shops!

Thank you start, there are definitely more good times than bad these days.
Glad you have good friends and family too.
My family have been amazing, so supportive. We are going to stay with my sister and family this weekend and we're really looking forward to it. The dc get on really well with their cousins.
I think the dc have settled now into what is our new normal family life. Things have changed for them forever but they have realised now that I was right when I said different didn't have to be bad, different could be good.
We are so close now and have lots of laughs together, and for that I am so thankful.

I am so happy for you Alec. I have been reading (and posting) since the beginning and to read how you are now is lovely.

You have managed the break up with ex so very well even though it has not been easy for you.

Dealing with such a feckless awful ex, his lies about his now partner must have felt very hard to bear - yet you did it - and continue to do so - so tremendously well.

I am old enough to be your mum, but if I was I would be so proud of you, as I know your parents and family (especially your little very sister) feel the same.

Reading through the pasts posts when you were feeling down and overwhelmed - and how you are now - should make you realise what a great person you are. Your children are happy and secure - and that is down to you. Well done Alec - have a lovely Easter weekend with people who love and care about you. (Bet exh can’t say the same!)