2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

Not sure why you think it will be cheaper waiting to divorce? Seems to be he's deliberately reducing is income and earning potential so he gets more of the capital???

True actually-we are doing it in two years separation but the price want any different. Cost about a thousand quid so far and hopefully not much more than that if I'm lucky.

OP how are you?

Yeh been thinking of you and your DC aleC4 hope all is going well for you.

Hi, thanks for thinking of me.
Been caught up a bit in real life recently to find the time to post.
Finding things a bit tricky at the moment to be honest. Not really sure why.
Finances are a bit strained. We've had to have a few changes to routine too and it's been a bit unsettling.

I think when things have been shaky but you've established a routine and got through it to some degree any change however small, or any concern you might have can be a bit derailing. If then brings back the feelings of uncertainty and I don't know, the burden of being the only one responsible for life going on for everyone, sometimes. That's how it is for me anyway.
Plus January doesn't help. I feel very low at the minute too-in fact I just cried because I fell over in the street and dd2 wasn't sympathetic enough (wtf? I need to give myself a shake)...So you aren't on your own (dunno if that helps )

Nigel as usual you speak sense and know exactly where I am coming from.
I think when things change I panic as I see it as me losing my grip. I hate the thought of not being control. I have to protect my kids now because their Dad is nothing short of useless.
This year I have definitely found the start of the year a lot harder than last year. Last year I felt so full of determination and a sort of toughness. This year I feel a lot more resigned. I'm worried about finances and feel as though I'm trapped in a house I can't afford to do anything to.

I almost daren't look at my finances tbh...have allocated a bit of time this coming weekend to sit down and make a plan...

I relate to this.

I think, in the first year or so we run on adrenalin and sheer bloody strength. Like a tigress we fight and protect our young. Sort of flight or fight. And it takes a while for reality to bite. I knew I'd never get back with Twunt, but I did think that he would stop being so bloody selfish and wake up and prioritise his kids.

My adrenalin ran out and he became even more entitled and selfish and the reality for me hit home.

So like you, I dipped. The novelty of being free and making a new life wore off because life and all its drudgery continued. I was suddenly sorting bills, kids, house repairs whilst he wallowed in his second childhood. It bored and exhausted me. It frustrated me no end that he had simply walked away from his duty as a father. And I know its his loss. But it's hard.

Hang on in there.
I have a mountain to climb with eldest DD right now and it'll get worse before it gets better. But I know I can do it. Like you, I'm strong, because I have no choice to be anything else.

Cary that's exactly it. I think also in the first year I had something to prove, not just to others but to myself as well.
Now I feel I've proved I can survive and get through it but I feel like I'm on a treadmill of the same routine over and over.
Obviously my reward is my kids but sometimes it feels as though he gets to walk away and have all the fun while I pick up the pieces.
However as you say, it's his loss. I know who my children feel safe and secure with, I know who they love unconditionally, who they open up to about things that are worrying them, who they ask to help with homework etc. And it ain't him.
We are close, we are a team and we'll carry on.
Good luck with the finances Nigel. I thought I was sorted when I bought this house but then the twat decided to pay me far less maintenance out of the blue. And the house needs so much work doing to it. I'm thinking of selling up and downsizing just to reduce my monthly outgoings. I can afford it just but I am working my bloody arse off just to pay the mortgage and bills.

Might be an idea.better not to be reliant on someone unreliable. Plus a new start for you all perhaps might help? It has me a bit I think... Christmas sunk me a little I feel mentally-we are going to have to think again next year.

Hi @aleC4 I'm a long long time lurker, I stumbled across your thread from the very beginning about 3weeks after my husband left, I've never really had anything better to say then what people have already posted, although I've typed out messages many times! Anyway I wanted to say you're amazing, your kids are very lucky to have you. Thank you for starting and continually posting to the thread!

My dd turned to me just before Xmas and said she didn't need a dad as she had me- it was a turning point for me. I've also reluctantly entered into a new relationship, he has made me realise just how much my marriage had drained me, and how much more I deserve. I still have my down days, I've still yet to get through the divorce stage which is scary, however I wouldn't change what has happened, some days I even want to thank him. I wanted to share the following which really helps me when I'm down : (hope the link works)

Nigel I think you're right about starting again in a new place. It would not have traces of him. The thought of him in this house does not make me sad. It just annoys me all the little niggly jobs he said he would do but didn't, and all the crappy jobs he did do.
Re Christmas, you deserve a medal for what you did. You definitely need to summon the strength to rethink next year. Your house should be yours and he shouldn't be allowed to spoil that.
Forn thanks so much for your post and the link. Sorry to hear you have been through this too.
I think my kids have already realised too that their dad is crap. He just doesn't see it though which frustrates me.

Just dropping by to say hi, realised it's been a while!
Things are ticking along ok here, one more day until half term! We're all very ready for it! I'm looking forward to some family time with the dc.
Things are going ok for us at the moment. The kids seem quite settled and are doing well at school.
Financially things are still a bit strained so the moving idea is still firmly in my head. However I need to try and save up a bit so I have some money for all the fees.
I could really do with hiring a skip and having a good clear out too.

Love a skip! When we moved I spent two days clearing out all the junk from our garage and filled a huge skip.I took exh's stuff round to him (stuff he'd been saying he wanted to keep for years but had just been sitting in the garage covered in dust and spiders). It was quite cathartic! (He also didn't enjoy having dusty boxes in his squeaky clean flat -small pleasures)

Lol Nigel, I've already dumped a load of shite on my ex from the garage - there's plenty more though!
I dream about having a skip - how sad!
It's just another expense though at the moment. I need to sort out a bit more first so that it is all ready to go in it. I don't want to get one then dined all my time finding the stuff to go in it.
I daren't even think about the loft.

Feeling crap and tearful today. Holidays always do it.
I really look forward to the school holidays and when they get here it's almost as though I realise they are not he same as they used to be 😞
The kids are out with their grandparents today and we had an almighty tie before they went. Mostly it was dd's fault. She knows how to push my buttons and she is just so thoughtless at the moment. I'm not proud to say I flipped out and said some things I shouldn't have done.

I do believe that regardless of household arrangements holidays, and especially their start are often problematic. Being tired, weight of expectation, all together etc ... exacerbated the further DC move into teens. I too have been that screaming DM, regretting it too late ... Plus, it is a reminder of when things were different. But, given all you now know of XH, there is no guarantee anything would be better if he was around.

Do your DC see their DGPs together? Perhaps they could do some things on their own, or with their Dad ? Whilst it impacts on your downtime it would mean you could have some one on one time with your DC, which can be brilliant for you and them. My DS is disabled, and when he was in respite I really appreciated my time with DD. Sometimes we went to cinema etc, sometimes at home, but always a chance to talk (argue even) if she wanted to. Just a thought.

Thanks MsPav. You're right of course. Holidays when we were together weren't all sunshine and roses. He was often moody and short-tempered and we were walking on eggshells sometimes. It's easy to forget that bit.
I do get some one on one time with the dc in the evenings. Dd has a very demanding hobby requiring lots of training so ds and I have lots of time together.
Dd and I always get Wednesday nights together when ds is at his hobby and alternate Sunday mornings.
I must try to make more of this time.
They don't go to their dad's separately as dd doesn't like going without ds and won't sleep there alone.

Ah but that's the beauty of the skip.you just pay for the skip, not the time you have it normally. You just call them
When it's full-so no need to pre organise!

I hate it when I argue with the DD's. Which is more frequent than I'd like because dd2 in particular is acting up at the moment. I feel very guilty and also, I don't know-worried that they will like their Dad more if I discipline them? But actually that sort of thinking is unhelpful. It's likely there would have been the odd argument (indeed there were) if I was still living with their Dad. I don't need to sweat over it as much as I do. And They need structure and a bit of discipline more now than ever.
We all say things we regret sometimes. Talk about it with her when she gets home, but don't beat yourself up-you are doing so well, under such trying circumstances

Ugh, I've just got my dc back to school and feel really rotten that I was so short tempered over the holidays. We did a night away together and I seemed to be telling them off constantly. I agree Nigel that there's a part of me that thinks I mustn't let anything go. I wish I could be more relaxed. But I tell them I'm feeling stressed and mine should be old enough to modify their behaviour. Grrr teenagers!

Startof yes I feel like that, like I'm always nagging them.
I was adamant I was going to be a more relaxed tolerant parent this holiday but dd makes that so hard. She has always been hard work but chuck in a shit dad and Year 6 girl hormones and the uncertainty of a secondary school place hanging over her and I'm fighting a losing battle!
We are back home now after visiting family so will try to just chill out and enjoy each other's company.
Dd has 3 hours extra training for her hobby today so ds and I will have some time together, although he will probably choose to meet up with a friend!
He has come so far this year and is much more settled emotionally so I'm happy for him to do whatever makes him happy.
Tonight they go to their dad's and tomorrow they have a day out with him, ow and her two awful kids. I think that may be why tension is riding here as they don't want to go.

That's the thing I guess-year 6 is a minefield anyway. Chuck in having to spend the tjme you want to spend with your dad shared Ruth two kids you neither like it would choose to see and I can see why she's kicking off. Just unfortunate that it's always with the person they love the most rather than the person that deserves it!

Hi Alec always good to see your updates and how far youve come. Your DC will look back in time abd see what a magnificent mother you really are.

How are things Alec did the kids get off to their dad's ok?