2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

Words fail me! Did he think it would be a nice surprise for them? Is he so self-obsessed? How did they react? Your poor DC.

They are obviously not thrilled.
Especially because ow's children will be there pretty much all the time.
He has told them they will try to get a 5 bedroom house so the kids can have their own bedrooms.
What planet is he on? If he can afford a big house like that, he can afford a lot more than the poxy amount he is paying me at the moment.
They would have to live in the city nearest to us as that's where the market stall is and where ow's children go to school.
That would put paid to weeknight sleepovers.

He is obviously living in some Walter Mitty alternate universe where he can short-change his own children, still live in a big house (unless OW has a lot of money) and still everyone will like him because he's such a nice guy.

So if this goes ahead he will be seeing even less of his children - partly because they won't be able to do overnights during the week, and partly because her children will be there most of the time. (No doubt they will try to have all their children on the same weekend so as not to have to forego their own weekend alone time.) He really is a prince isn't he?

If I were you AleC I would really hate him by now - which would make it hard to co-parent.

Jesus Christ. What an utter prick.

I hope you no longer share the dropping off and picking up! If the overnights decrease ensure that the CMS is adjusted accordingly

Ow certainly does not have a lot of money, he was often bailing her out when we were together.
She gave up a decent job to work on the aforementioned market stall. Once Christmas is over I can't see that making much, if anything.
She has 5 bloody kids. Ok three are adults who work but she is still ultimately responsible for them. At the moment three live with her and obviously my ex has two. My kids will not share a bedroom with hers in a million years, they can't stand them, especially ds.
I think they'd rather share with each other but that's hardly practical, a13 year old boy and a 10 year old girl.
And yes, you're right, I hate him.

Oh AleC I really feel for you. You have every right to hate him, what a time to make that announcemnet! does he want to ruin everyone's Xmas? he is being a right dick.
Hopefully you'll have some nice time with your parents and friends over Xmas. I'll be thinking of you.

Lots of love to you and yours op. My one has also started to behave horribly in the run up to Christmas which I can only assume is deliberate since I am about to have to spend the best part of the next three days with him in my house. My anxiety is through the roof.
Your one has similarly timed this to perfection-probably because he didn't like seeing you managing well when he is fully aware of what a joke he is becoming.

I hope you get through tomorrow as best you can-drink might be the answer? And then gets the kids back and for chairman's can begin. You can't change him but you can carry on being the best mum you can be as you have always done-because that's what they will remember and appreciated as they get older and realise just how much of an asshat their Dad unfortunately is.

Thanks Nigel, happy Christmas to you and your lovely girls too.
I feel so much for you having to put up with him in your own home, your safe place.
Maybe next year you will be able to come to another arrangement. Fingers crossed.
I hope you can get through the next three days as unscathed as possible. Be gentle with yourself and remember, you can tell him to leave if you cannot deal with it.
Hope your dd has a lovely birthday too.
Much love for the new year.

So this is it.
For the first time in 13 years I am going to bed on Christmas eve without my kids.
No stockings, no santa excitement, no sneaking downstairs with presents.
I've told myself everything I promised I would.
It's just one day, it doesn't matter about one day, they're too old now any way etc etc
But it still doesn't matter.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
It's fucking shit.
I absolutely hate the fact that I have been put in the position where I have to be away from my kids on Christmas Day.
I didn't even do anything wrong.

Oh Ale - I am so sorry, you were bound to feel like this. Can you have wine and maybe watch some TV or something and then have a nice bath and get to bed early - read something light. Remember you are having them for a lot of the holiday! But I know it is shit that the innocent parties (your dc and you) have to suffer like this.

I think you are seeing family tomorrow - is that right? Will you be able to ring or facetime the children?

Now that the children are getting older, might it be possible in future for them to choose where they spend Christmas? I am sure they won't want to spend it with OW and her children.

But I agree - it is shit.

It is shitty. And not fair. Thinking of you x

Oh ale

Oh AleC it is shit and you are incredible, giving your DC the best Christmas they can have in the circumstances.

I have lurked and occasionally commented on your threads as our situations are so very similar but do you know what dawned on me today?
(And I don’t say this lightly, I am in tears as I type having done my DC stockings etc on my own tonight)
But we have done it!! We have done 2017, a whole year without those selfish bastards who have caused so much hurt to their own children and to us. We have made it and given our children a good life and have things to look forward to for next year.
So happy, happy Christmas to you and your loved ones.
We’ve survived this year, next year will be better xxx

It is shit Ale. And so is he. My first Christmas without the kids was really just a day to be got through. Subsequent ones have been easier because I knew I could do it. Not great, but easier. Just get through the day and then they will be back.

Happy Christmas Alec. Thinking of you this morning [santa]

Thanks all, nice to have some people out there helping me through.
I was at my sister's last night and I get on great with her and my dbil. We went to the pub and met up with my dad which was a laugh.
It was just when I got back it was hard.
This morning I watched my niece and nephew open their stockings which was nice but it wasn't my own kids.
Now I am at my parents. My youngest sister and her partner were here earlier with my 2 year old nephew which was a nice distraction. He's so funny and such a lovely age for Christmas.
Now it is the three of us and we're about to have my mum's delicious Christmas dinner.
It's strange not having the kids here but it has been a nice opportunity to chat properly with my mum and Dad without interruption.
This time tomorrow we'll all be together.

So I'm up bright and early to go and collect my children.
I was very sensible with the alcohol yesterday - unlike me on Christmas Day!
I only had 2 glasses of fizz and 2 glasses of wine and stopped at 4 o'clock. I also had a LOT of food to soak it up.
Last night me, my dsis and dbil were very rock n roll - cups of tea and cheese and crackers!!
Can't wait to see the kids today. I had lots of FaceTimes and messages from them yesterday. They were not really enjoying the day got through it and just kept thinking about today.
Apparently ex was going on about the new house saying how great it was going to be and ow was doing loads of stupid things like throwing stuff and chucking water on everyone. Sounds hilarious I must say.
I can't wait to get them back into the arms of my loving family to make them feel safe, secure and loved again.

Does he really think they will think the new house is great - maybe he is just trying to convince them? Can't believe how completely misguided he is.

Enjoy the rest of the holidays with your children AleC. By the time his next turn for Christmas comes round who knows what will have changed!

Thanks Kaitlin.
We had a lovely couple of days with my family once I had collected the dc.
All my family commented on how much happier and more settled they seem so that's made me feel good.
This month I am starting to take a real serious look at my finances. I have been burying my head a bit and I need to face it.
This month I have done a budget and am writing down every penny I spend.
Realistically I may have to move house this year in order to live rather than just exist but I need to get a grip on what the situation actually really looks like.

Moving might not be such a bad thing though Ale. I bought XH out of the family home which was good in terms of consistency for the kids, but there were impracticalities about the house which Ex liked and could cope with and I can't (without expense).

Now one DC has moved out and I am hoping that the other will this year, but because I haven't had much money for repairs and maintenance, the house looks a bit uncared for and I don't know how easy it will be to sell (I need to downsize).

Also I think it would have been a good thing for me to have had my own home as a fresh start from him - am still living with his cigarette burn on a window ledge and other irritating stuff.

I would make sure that if you do have to move, that he and his know that it is directly because he didn't honour his maintenance payments because he chose to give up his job though.

Kaitlin I am in almost an identical situation.
I bought my ex out of our house and remortgaged on my own - I have a mortgage until I am 66 at the mo!
I was the same, I wanted continuity for the dc, they were adamant they didn't want to move from their home. I too felt settled here.
It's only now that I realise I don't love the house as much as I thought. I'm not unhappy here but I quite fancy a new start where there are no traces of him.
My house is a reasonable size but, like yours, needs a lot of work that I cannot afford to do. I am struggling to pay for everything as it is without having to think about diy.

My house will sell for definite because of the location and will be a bargain for someone who has a bit of diy sense and some money behind them.
My problem is I will have to move somewhere considerably smaller in order to save enough on my mortgage for it to make a difference.
I did broach the idea of moving with the dc last night and they surprised me with their reaction. They both said they wouldn't mind at all and it would be quite an adventure. That alone shows me how far they have come.

I think that is partly because they have seen that you have managed without him and will always make sure they have a nice home - they feel secure with you, wherever it is. Can your parents not help you out a bit?

My parents did help me out with some money off my mortgage - but my solicitor advised against doing this until the divorce was completely settled - I think they left it even a year after that - to make sure the money from them didn't muddy the waters with any financial agreement. I can't remember if you said your divorce was finalised yet though, and maybe your parents aren't in the position to help.

Recently my ex came into quite a lot of money - but his children have seen none of it alas. It pains me that he hasn't even considered them.

We are not divorced.
Much as I would love to be we just can't afford it. We are waiting the two years we can do it as cheaply as possible. Believe me, if I won the lottery it's the rust thing I would do and nothing would give me greater pleasure than claiming adultery and naming that old witch!
Well, it's 2018 already. When I think how far we have all come this year I feel very proud of us. All of my family commented how more noticeably chilled and happy the kids were at Christmas, that makes me feel so happy. We've done it, we've done a whole year on our own and survived!
But I think I am entering 2018 with more trepidation than I did 2017. I feel less financially secure thanks to the cut in maintenance and have the worry of possibly moving. Although I quite like the idea in principle, it's all the stress and extra expense that goes with it.

It helped me no end moving house. Though still not sure I can afford it. New start without memories of him has been positive for all of us.
Happy new year op-you are still doing great x