2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

Bless you. So has Ex now dropped your money? Yes focus on today then tomorrow then the next day. All still here rooting for you Alec

Yes it is now half what I was getting but he pays weekly based on what he earns on supply so I don't know where I am.
It's impossible to budget.
I'm hoping now he has started a new job he may be able to give me a definite weekly figure.
At the moment what he pays is barely e ouch to support one child. But it's all done on the calculator online so I can't do anything about it

So his maintenance contributions are based on his supply work - not on anything he earns with his market stall? Presumably it isn't a proper business yet then. Sickening - his children come second over his wish to not continue in a stressful job and his pipe dream of beingnself-employed. Suppose you were to make the same decision?

My ex buggered off abroad to remarry and left me teaching in a tough secondary school in order to keep things going. My youngest son rang him to say he had had to give up his degree course, hoping for some understanding. His response was to immediately stop the payments to him. (Ex had agreed to pay so much a month whilst they were in full-time education). A few years later youngest did further full-time study but there wasn't a whisper of help from his Dad - just me, in my shitty stressful job. I don't understand how these parents (and they are usually fathers) can just switch themselves off from their own children like this.

Sorry Ale - my anecotal ramblings are of no use to you. I just wanted you to know that I am pissed off (but not surprised) by his behaviour.

Morning all.
Just got up to go to the loo and no sign of any snow here yet!
I don't think the stall is doing very well, surprise surprise. The dc were there for a bit again yesterday and apparently there were no customers.
Ex started working for his step brother in Monday. He has his own business but is extremely unreliable. I think ex is front of house as his sb is not a oriole person and can't deal with customers effectively.
I have no idea how/when/how much he is being paid. I will give it a couple of weeks into the new year and ask him I think.
If he's earning more than he was on supply then I am entitled to more. I'm sure he sees it as giving me money for myself and not the dc.
We put our trees up yesterday so feeling nice and festive in the house. I think I have all the presents sorted now too. Ds has his birthday a week on Tuesday - 13! I can't believe it.

Ds has been really worrying tonight.
He spent some time with his dad today while I was out with dd at a party.
He said his dad was on the phone for ages to his step brother, the be he is now working for.
It transpires that he and his on-off girlfriend are 'not getting along' and he is going to be sleeping on ex's sofa.
Ds is worried because his dad has told him that sbil will have the lounge for his bedroom so there will be nowhere to relax and watch tv.
He is also bringing his dog and dd is petrified of dogs. Ds ( and I) are worried that she won't want to go there at all, definitely not to sleep.
My concerns however, run deeper.
Sbil was a serious drug user in his younger years although has apparently been clean for over 20 years.
In the meantime though he has been an alcoholic and smokes heavily. I have a feeling he still smokes cannabis too but I can't be sure.
He has a short fuse and a wicked temper and I'm concerned about his suitability as a house guest while my dc are there.
I am going to see how it goes this week. I have told ds all he needs to do is text me if he/ dd are I happy and I will fetch them.
Ds is cross that his dad had put someone else's needs and feelings before them, yet again.

He just keeps piling on the crap doesn't he? I've been lurking but couldn't read your worries and not offer support xxx and I hope his bil buggers off but if not it's a good excuse for them to stay with you for Xmas x

I think it is telling your DS has spoken to you about this. I suspect that neither of your DC want to be spending any overnights there, never mind Christmas

I know you want to enable their relationship with their DD, and not want to appear confrontational or stopping contact. Which is admirable. If your XH was being the father you want(ed) him to be.

Unfortunately this is not the case(and hasn't been for some time). He has moved from being neglectful and selfish -not cooking meals, taking them to stand around outside when ill, not giving them the time they need, forcing unwanted relationships with OW/her children, and no doubt more- yo verging on/actual abuse.

I know that you have said you'll come and get them. But what way is that to live? They are anxious at best, you are waiting on a call to come and rescue them from a possible situation involving alcohol, drugs and violence. I know myself sometimes we have to make difficult decisions to protect our DC. I am not suggesting no contact at this point. I am suggesting no overnights, and Christmas with you. I expect your DC will be relieved (even if they don't say so). And it just might waken up your X to what the consequences might be in terms of his future relationship with his DC. I also know you will be concerned about him simply using it as an excuse for walking away. But, if he does that is what it will be. An excuse. If he does, well that is who he is and your Dc are better off knowing now rather than later.

Worth logging it with a lawyer if you think it is necessary. Better the consequences of you standing up for them than their distress if you don't.

I gave been having these thoughts Mrs pav.
The thing is I know he wouldn't just walk away, he's not looking for an excuse.
He does love his kids and thinks he has s good relationship with them. 🤨
I honestly think he just can't see what he is doing. He thinks they enjoy going there and all his stupid 'adventures'.
It makes me realise more than ever that I was the one who kept him in the straight and narrow when we were together.
I'm not making any rash decisions right now. They will next see him on Tuesday night after they have had tea at their grandparents.
Dd has a school disco so won't be there until 7.30.
I am available so I have said to ds to see how it goes, you never know his step brother may have gone by then. 🤞
If there is even the remotest chance that they are in danger they will be out and won't go back. I think sb will be on his best behaviour when they are there, he's very fond of the kids but I am worried about the dog.
I would love to know if my mil knows he's there. She is his mum but knows exactly what he is like. She will warn him not to mess things up.
He has a good relationship with his own daughter but has always controlled her. She is away at uni now and I bet she's having the time of her life.

Well that's good that he is not likely to disappear from their lives.

I've said this before both her, and irl. Many men love their children unconditionally. It doesn't follow that they are good Dads necessarily. I suspect that whilst they are in relationships with their DC's mothers, this is partially masked by the women's compensating. It was in my case.

It isn't just the possibility of actual physical/emotional harm in this situation you've outlined. It's the ongoing selfishness and neglect that may well be doing harm in the long term for your DC, whether they articulate it or not. I am also aware from my own experience that the dynamic of a relationship can continue after a split. If you've always managed his behaviour to some extent (even unknowingly) it's hard to stop. Especially if you /we think it's best for the DC. I don't think it is necessarily, either now or long term. I know how hard it is however to get any clarity in the middle of it all! Maybe worth running it by someone with a bit of distance from it all to ask their views. Hoping al goes well this week.

At this stage I think I'd be having a conversation with the kids and asking them what they want and then going with that...I get that you want to protect their relationship with their Dad, but actually that's not your job anymore. Your job is to make sure the are safe and happy and a Christmas under the circs you describe sounds neither of those things. Incredible that their dad can't see that...I despair.

The kids seem to sway from not wanting to go at all to saying actually it's ok they will go.
Just shows me that they are still totally confused and feel torn emotionally.
I think dd would say no more readily. Ds feels a lot of loyalty towards his dad but also is the one quicker to question his own dad's ability to parent!
Tonight is the first time they will stay with the step brother potentially there.
Ds is there but hasn't given anything away yet. I text him to ask if he was ok and had had a good day and he said yes.
Dd is still at her hobby and I am with her. She doesn't know of the possibility of the visitor. I decided it was best not to say anything as he potentially may not even be there. She knows she can always message me to come home if she wants.

No sign of the step brother last night 😊

Good AleC4 put your mind at rest Im sure

What is it about Christmas do's?
I was the same last year.
I managed to hold it together for must of it but lost it on a good friend towards the end if the night.

Aw AleC4, I totally get it, you think you’re doing ok then everything just boils over sometimes. I hope you’ve had a good day today.

Today was a much better day thanks.
I'm not sure what it was about last night, I just felt sad.
I guess it's the time of year and the trepidation of going into my first Christmas Day without my kids.
We chilled out today then went to a Christmas Party for dds hobby.
Back to work tomorrow, still another week to go!

Struggling a bit this week.
I am so tired and just feel low at the moment.
I guess that it is just all the Christmas stuff and everyone doing family stuff that's getting to me.

It's a tough time of year. Hopefully you'll stronger in the morning 🌷

Have you broken up for the holidays yet Alec? It is a busy and emotional time of year, for sure. What do you have planned during your time off? Sending festive thoughts

The kids and I are all still at school until Friday!
It's been an 8 week half term and we're all shattered.
We did our Christmas plays yesterday and the kids were amazing. Yawning their heads off and coughing and sneezing but they did so well and made me and their parents very proud.
I have my own kids for most of the holidays to be honest which will be nice.
Ex has realised that in other jobs you don't get such good holidays. Apart from Christmas day he only has them for 2 other days.
It will be hard work not having a break from them but lovely to spend some time together - there'll definitely be some lazy days in there!
I think it is just the uncertainty of Christmas Day making me feel down. I don't want to spend it without them and still feel angry that I have been forced into a position where I have to.
I keep telling myself, and then,that it's just another day.
I know they are worrying about it, I can see it in them as the days go by.

Christmas is tbh a bit rubbish when you have a problematic ex to deal with.And you are right-it's bloody unfair in your situation... it is one day though....you are right. good way of seeing it...you family will see you right as well I hope...

Finally finished school for Christmas - it's been a long time coming this year!
Hopefully now I will get lots of time to chill out with my dc and I'm trying not to think about Christmas Day!

It's only one short day - they can have presents with you on a different day and it won't be any the less special. Happy Christmas to the aleC4 family.

Merry Christmas AleC4 and family!
You've had a lot of issues to deal with this year, as well as working a demanding job and bringing up DC (who sound like they are a credit to you), so make sure you treat yourself over Xmas/New Year!
Check in here if you get sad . . . I will be missing my DC for half the Xmas period, going to their dads (and I'm sure many of us following this thread will be in similar situations).

So the selfish git decides that the day before Christmas Eve is the perfect time to tell the kids that he and the witch 'might' move in together next year.