2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

But it isnt your problem he cant afford to pay...he agreed it he needs to stick to it. He will have to move in with OW and use his rent money that he will save to give to you

I’m expecting him and ow moving in together to be the next bombshell to be honest.
If that happens he really lose the kids and they have already said they won’t go if he moves in with her.
Even if they did it would be the end of weeknight sleepovers as she lives too far away.

I'm so sorry this has happened. Selfish selfish selfish.

It’s been a very quiet week with very little c tact between ex and I.
I think he knows I am annoyed.
Kids have been ok until tonight.
Dd has apparently been absolutely awful for her grandparents, my in laws. She was being horrible to her brother and got told off but she was apparently more aggressive to ds and extremely rude to her grandma.
I am so ashamed at this behaviour, and I’ve told her so.
She has been asking for a phone for ages. I finally let her have my old one yesterday, it has been confiscated already.

There’ll be a reason for the behavior. Might be school or something else. Good luck.

I hope your PIL understand that she is acting like this at least in part because of her father's actions.

You say that you think he knows that you are annoyed - I bloody well hope so. I hope you have made your annoyance abundantly clear to him, and I hope his parents know too that now he is not even meeting his financial responsibilities as a father, never mind the emotional and moral ones.

She's just lashing out - I know it doesn't make it easier.

How's it going @aleC4 anymore from ex? how's your DD been?

It’s not gong too bad thanks. Things seem to have settled down a bit again.
I made dd write an apology note to her grandparents and we put it through the door on the way to school on Friday.
I know they text her so I think all is forgiven.
Ex has had little contact, just arrangements really.
I feel like I hardly saw the kids last week with parents evenings and then I was doing a charity walk on Saturday.
I definitely missed them and they felt it too.
We have a note normal week this week and I’ve promised them a trip to see Paddington on Sunday if they are both we’ll behaved.

Im sure there will be blips along the road even after all this time. You're doing amazing must be so hard for you, admire you so much xxx

Thanks 123. As I always say, I make this up as I go along. There are many times when I wonder if I have made the right decision or handled things correctly.

I hope that in the future I will look at my children as successful young adults and know I did right by then. I really really hope for that.

Alec - You are doing a very good job managing so well as you are - even though you you doubt yourself sometimes. I have been following your thread since day one. Just re read all the posts where people say how much they admire you and how well you are coping. I know there must be plenty of times when you feel sad, disappointed and worried but you really are a “rock” for your children and they know, and will always realise when they are older just how much you were always there for them. I just wish that an had a magic wand and could make everything better for the three of you. Keep going Alec and please keep posting. There are lots of us out here cheering you on!

Here here Zafĺora totally agree keep post Alec...Ive also followed your posts from day 1 in fact I always look for yr thread when I log onto this section. If youve not posted for a while I get worried and wonder if you are ok . It's so strange that none of us know each other, dont even know what we look like but feel we have some kind of bond and loyalty even. We are all rooting for you Alec

Zoflora and 123 same here! Always read this thread as going through similar situation myself. Keep posting Alec.

Bloody hell it’s hard work being a parent sometimes.
It’s been a tough week this week, for ds especially. He’s really grappling with his emotions at the mo and tonight had to deal with massive disappointment at a sports club he does.
He’s gone to bed so upset tonight and now I’ve come to bed to cry because there’s nothing I can do to make him feel better. 🙁

Oh Alec how I feel for you. Being a mum really is a very hard job - lots of the time (and I’ve been a mum for nearly 50;years and know my stuff!). No one ever tells you in the ante natal clinic about what truly lies ahead and good job too in my humble opinion - otherwise I very seriously don’t think I would have done it at all - let alone three times and I am now in to two second generations!

We worry when our lovely bundle comes home from hospital, worry they are warm enough/fed enough/dry enough etc etc ad Infinitum. We think that as soon as the can sit up/ try to feed themselves/are potty trained/sit in a high chair etc etc all our worries will be over......fast forward to your son’s age. How you hurt for him,how we want to protect our children from the upsets of life - when they don’t get picked for a team/don’t get invited to a party all their friends are going to etc etc.....you get my drift. This caring simply never stops in my opinion. My mother said to me when mine were little to enjoy them as the day you stop caring and worrying about them is when you hear the drill screwing down the lid on your coffin. Many times since I have remembered these words. I am a caring mum, grandma and now great grandma.

Inside I just want my family to be happy. Of course I would never show myself as soppy or over invested or anxious about them - you have to put on a brave face and not put your own stresses on them. When faced with bad situations and believe me Alec I have looked into hell on too many occasions with my sons and their wives but I try hard to be the practical, roll your sleeves up to do what is needed at the time mum. Inside I have been crushed.

I have waved them off before they went to war zones in the military with a hug and brave smile and have gone home and cried myself inside out. I am sorry to hijack your post. You know I am very sincerely interested in your situation and so want to urge you on. You are doing such a hard, brave job please never forget that hard though times sometimes are - like tonight things get better. Imagine how his (can’t even bear to give him space) parents are devastated by his behaviour of such a lovely family. Don’t tell me they are not thoroughly ashamed of him, but worried they will be - concern never stops so even at his age they must worry as your parents clearly do about you now..

Sorry to ramble on but I just wanted you to know that I so agree with you when you say it is a hard job. Thank goodness you are a lovely person who will be able to support and steer your children and in time their families into a happy life - something their father catastrophically failed to do. Hard work Alec but plenty of happy times ahead and you will always know, no matter what you were there for your children. Good night x

Alec take yet another deep breath and remember we are all here listening and caring for you. It is hard, me too DS and a sports club politics cause up with us this week...I could scream. Be there for him tonight and give me extra hugs ... sending you some as well (((()))))

Hi all, I've got the December blues tonight.
Last year it didn't bother me so much, I guess because it was all still quite raw and I just bulldozed through it to make it fun for the children.
This year I am feeling a lot more reflective for some reason.
I have been fine until today but the kids wanted Christmas music on and I'm finding it really hard to listen to.
Luckily I ha e a fab friend coming round tonight so she will make me laugh.
I think the uncertainty of my financial situation is weighing heavy on my mind at the moment.
Because ex is earning less now he has cut the maintenance in half and I'm worried about whether I'm going to manage.
My mortgage was based on that as an income, I never expected for a minute he would give up his job.
Ds has been off school ill today so he's feeling low and I think would honestly rather have stayed here.
Ex was late picking them up with no explanation as always - he honestly takes the piss. What if I had been going out?
I suspect there may be issues tonight as he seemed in a right arsey mood. I was married to him for 15 years and can still read him like a book. With ds feeling fragile and dd her usual volatile self, I am dreading the calls/txts I may get later.
Anyway, my wine is chilling and I'm off to make a nice curry for me and my friend.

Hi Alec, I have read both your threads, last night and this morning.

You have been through so much and handled the whole thing with dignity and as much calm as possible. Your children are very lucky to have you.

Your ex is a shameful shitbag. Did he really have to share the same roof with his children every single night to be prompted to provide for them? Just jacking in his job and leaving it all to you, what a bastard.

I hope you had a nice evening with your friend, that it's cheered you up. I have spent many, many nights worrying about money, it's what I was doing last night! He will search for better paid and consistent wrk once OW can't be taken out for nice dinners and trips to bars, because it sounds like she's into that, after having read a year of your posts! It is totally right, what you said, of being honest with the children about why money is tight, not to alienate them from their father but so they know that you still are someone doing your best, you haven't made any poor decisions to put you all in this situation, they need to know they have a stable and responsible parent no matter what. Which is what you are in spades!

Regarding the kids visitng their Dad and being so upset at how uselss he is, you may just have to hang in their until they are old enough to decide they don't want to go. It's a shit situation, none of you asked for this. Hopefully they will be brutally honest with their feelings and the penny will drop with him. It is terrible that so much is out of your control.

You do have control though with a lot of things. Your kids clearly see you as their loving safe place, they know they have you because you are a brilliant mum. And you have such great friends and family around you because you are a lovely person. If you think to where you were over a year ago, you are in a better place than right after he dropped the bombshell. Ups and downs will come but overall it will keep heading in the right direction. You're doing great.

Hope I didn't repeat myself too much. Hopefully you are feeling less stressed this morning

Hi Alec, sorry I haven’t posted on your thread for ages (I’m not on MN so much these days).

Glad to hear it’s broadly going well for you and the DC, and that you are well shot of your ex, but sorry that he’s still causing issues - emotional for the kids and financial for you.

Interesting to hear that all doesn’t seem to be rosy for him either. No sympathy though, as he has brought this upon himself.

Anyway, just checking in really. Hang in there - not long now until the school holidays!

Thanks both.
I feel a bit better tonight.
I had a lovely evening with my fab friend last night. We chatted and put the world to rights over a curry and a couple of bottles of wine.
The dc were with their dad last night until two o'clock today which is normal. I had told him last night that ds wasn't feeling well, I had the day off with him yesterday. I asked that he didn't do too much as he needed to rest and chill out.
So ex decides today to take them to his market stall to 'help out' with him and ow. One seat which he did allow ds to have but it was a tall stool and not comfortable to sit on.
Neither child can actually help as the stall sells alcohol which means the dc can't sell anything.
They were woken at 7 and rushed out to the market. Ds is shattered.
The other thing that pissed me off is that only last week ex promised to help ds with his weight as he has been comfort eating and piling it on. He promised that he would cook healthy food more and try to avoid junk.
So today they had McDonald's for breakfast and subway for lunch.
It beggars belief.
Thank goodness they are back with me now.
Tomorrow we have a nice afternoon planned with my dsis and family at the Christmas market.

He's just an utter bastard. He has put you in the positon where you need to do twice the parental work to make up for his shortcomings.

Tomorrow afternoon sounds ideal :) My plans for tomorrow are studying then the night shift - drink mulled wine for me!

Hope the studying goes well.
I have work to do this morning for this week at school that I really must do before we go out.
I'll not be drunk when I get back but I will have had a few vinos and will just want to flop in front of the tv.
That is one of my favourite things about being a single parent - no one can tell me what to do or judge me for my choices.
If I want to get out for a walk, I drag the kids out. But if I want a lazy day/evening I'll damn well have one!
Looking forward to today. I can have a good catch up with my dsis and bil and the dc get to have a laugh with their cousins.
I can't really afford it to be honest but I consider activities like this a necessity for keeping mine and my dc sanity.
I'll worry about it at the end of the month when the cupboards are bare! At least we'll be away quite a bit over Christmas so I won't need to buy much food!

Alec - hope you're feeling abit better this week. Sending you (((hugs)))

I'm ok thanks.
I'm trying not to think too much about the future and concentrating on the here and now.
It's hard because financial stuff is in my head all the time but I just have to think that it will all come out right in the end.
This time of year is just so expensive as ds birthday is 6 days before Christmas!
We are hoping to get the tree up and all the decorations this week so that should help to make me feel more festive.