2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

That is so sad. I hope they do manage to make him understand how they feel. He deserves to understand how much he has hurt them with his selfish and pathetic actions.

They are probably scared to talk to him. He's already left and they'll be less secure about their relationship with him. They 'release' around you as you're 'safer'. There is a risk they will just bottle everything up.

Hello Alec and Happy Birthday to you. I do hope you have had a lovely day. I have been watching and sometimes commenting on your post and I am always interested to know how you your children are getting on. I am sad to read of your daughter’s obvious distress lately. I can understand how difficult it must be for you to have to deal with this for her. You have always been there for her in the past and perhaps her behaviour is just wishing you could “fix” everything and you could all go back to being together again. It is shocking that your h is so uncaring in his attitude, and making them feel unsettled. He demonstrates so clearly - and the children pick this up - his thoughts and regards for them by only providing them with toast for a meal. Can’t he see how this must make them feel? Please believe me and lots of other who respond to you that you are doing a wonderful job holding everything and everyone together under very difficult situations - it just cannot be easy but you never falter....you may do inside to yourself and who would blame you ...but you are always there for your children and this is what matters. Things are not so rosy for this man otherwise he would be dealing with your break up in a more reasonable manner. Keep on keeping on and enjoy the rest of your birthday.

Hi AleC - hope you had a good birthday and enjoyed your time with your parents. I was just thinking how hard it must be for your DC and probably scary for them to tell their father how unhappy they are. I was wondering if you suggested to them to write him a letter? I know there is a danger of him accusing you of putting them up to it - but I suppose that's there anyway if they say anything he disagrees with. Is there any counselling you can get for them? It's so unfair.

Hello all, thanks for the kind and thoughtful words.
This week has been a much calmer week. Once the children were settled back with me we had a fun half term and chilled out together.
Now we are back in the routine of work/school I think they find that easier.
Thanks for the suggestion of them writing their dad a letter. I had thought about that before.
I think if things continue to play on their mind I will offer it to them as a suggestion.

Glad things are calmer and you all had a good half term. I suppose they will get used to the new normal. So sad that he can't see that he's losing them.

And just when you think things are calming down......
I just got the inevitable ‘I can’t afford the maintenance’ text.
That’s because you jacked in your f** job you twat!

Then he needs to ask family to help out. He made his choice. Does he not have any savings he could use?

I am just waiting to hear from CMS saying my grandson's (grandparent carer) dad has lost his job. He doesn't know I know he started another one immediately but blew all his redundancy within days. Its suspiciously quiet which leads me to believe the new job may pay a bit better because believe me, his son is always the first he throws under the bus.

However, I am like you, just waiting....

Try not to panic. You have good family support who have your back financially.

He cannot go on not working. How will he live day to day? I think he is living in cloud cuckoo land because even gs's dad (who is a moronic criminal) realises that he has to have a job fgs even if his priority is not his son.

Have you replied yet Ale? This just reminds me - I'm sorry. I would feel like pointing out again that your mortgage was calculated taking his contributions into account. Ask him how he expects you to feed, house and clothe his children with no input from him? I'm sorry, but I would have to say it at least once. I wonder how he is paying his rent and other bills or if he is scrounging on OW.

Also, (I know I have said it before) I would be wondering about ways to let his parents know. Have you mentioned it to your parents or family?
I wonder if he will still want to take the DC for weekends if he has no money?

Honestly I fucking knew this would happen but am so so sorry to be right. I would rather have been wrong.

He is a complete dick.

It’s just crap. He quit his well paid teaching job because of some sort of difference of opinion.
He is doing supply but obviously there is no regularity in that. The kids told me he has turned down a full time contract from Christmas to Easter that a school offered him. Why would he do that you ask?
Because it will interfere with him and dog face ow setting up their market stall selling beer!
He is just a joke. He barely provides for the kids while they are there either.
I am very stressed now because my mortgage affordability is based on all income including maintenance.

Kaitlin I am sorry you are right too.
Apparently he is paid weekly. Every Friday he will put in how much he has early that week and it will work out how much he pays me.
So not only is it a lot less, it will also be a different amount each week.
I have replied, he did not even acknowledge my comment about my mortgage.
I pointed out that when we agreed the amount we took the calculator amount and added on extra to cover half the childcare and dc hobbies. He seems to have failed to add that bit on this time.
His reply did not even acknowledge my concerns.
What the hell do I do now?

Will the market stall selling beer cover his maintenance? I bet not. He has turned out to be such a selfish, flaky bastard hasn't he? I know what he is thinking. He is thinking that you have a reasonable job and won't let anything awful happen to his children. OK you are going to be cross and you won't be able to have luxuries (like beer) but your hard work and sense of responsibility will cover his arse. This is how they think and I HATE it.

I would seriously consider crying on the phone to his parents, bewailing the fact that he turned down a temporary contract, now can't pay up for his children and you are worried your house will be repossessed. Honestly I would bet my bottom dollar that he won't have mentioned to his family that he is not paying - makes him look like the bad guy you see. (Which of course he is, but he doesn't want them to know that.)

You need to talk to someone in RL about this so you can vent.

As a PP suggested, he should now be pulling out all the stops to beg or borrow at least some money for his kids. He should be desperately job hunting, but he won't because you are his backstop.

I didn't think I could think any less of him - but I can.

... and I do.

Sorry to read your updates Ale. What a bell end he is!

You ask 'what should I do?' - I immediately think you should call your solicitor and ask for advice.

Supply is expensive but it's the agency cut that means his money whilst not being regular, won't be great.

He's having a bloody mid life crisis and acting like a big kid. That doesn't help put food on the table, but he's such a cliche.

My concern here Alec(long experience sadly) is that if he is selling beer or whatever at stalls, then technically he can claim to be self employed. Someone may come along with better info regarding the status of supply teaching employment wise - are you effectively self employed?. My worry is that self employed still have a loop hole with regard to child support payments.

It seems it is a direct agreement between yourselves at the moment, but if he suggests the CMS he could get a nil or very low contribution. I am really sorry to worry you, but forearmed is forewarned.

I have faced every trick in the book over the years to reduce child support. In fact, the CSA even told me never to rely upon it and that is straight from the horse's mouth.

Thanks Elsie.
The thing is he thinks he is being completely reasonable and if he is paying what the calculator says then he is. I can’t argue with that.
What is unreasonable is jacking in a good job for no reason and not telling me, turning down a regular job and always leaving the kids to tell me what’s going on. Also going out as much as he does - surely she can’t pay every time?
He barely provides for them when they are there in terms of food and definitely does not provide emotionally.
I don’t think a solicitor could do much because he is paying by the book, it’s just his actions leading up to this that have been immoral.
From now on it.’s every man - or woman - for themselves.
No longer will I be protecting the kids from the shit he is causing. We will have to seriously tighten our belts and they will be told exactly why.
I will pay for everything now and they will know it.
We are a great team and we’ll stick together.
I do wonder whether we will end up having to move though.....

Hi OP. I can relate so much to this thread. From STBX not loving you, to the appearance of the OW and quick introductions, her being present all the bloody time that they are there, and especially the childrens anger.

I actually commented last year when it first happened - who knew that l would be living it too.

I have referred my ds' for counselling.

Sorry to hear that Notsure, these things do seem to follow a common pattern don’t they.
I just feel so pissed off with him, but I suppose I was stupid to expect him to behave like a reasonable human being.
It is just another example of where the dc come in his pecking order.
What I find unbelievable is that he just seems to think that everything is ticking along nicely.
The problem is he has awakened fresh anger in me and I won’t be able to hold back any more. If he starts messing the kids around again, I’ll just tell him.
They are dreading Christmas. Ds said yesterday, I bet it will be the worst Christmas Day ever.

We have had issues over Christmas. Ds' will be with me that day and then go to their Dad's Boxing Day. OW will of course be there.

They were meant to be with him New Year. Ds2 asked if it could just be the 3 of them and his dad said no as he wants OW there and if they don't like it they don't go They are staying with me now

I can’t remember if you’ve had your contact formally agreed with the court, but if not surely they don’t have to go to their dad for Christmas if the kids don’t want to? Or at least not the whole day - maybe just a couple of hours in the afternoon?

OP - what is he dreading about Christmas in particular?

My boy's were adamant they were not leaving the house Christmas Day.

They don’t have to go I guess but I am trying to be fair.
I think it is the thought rather than anything in particular.
Last year they spent Christmas with me and my family and I had to drive all the way back with them in Boxing Day to see him. Then we went back to my mum’s.
The arrangement always was to do alternate years.
They are spending Christmas Eve with me until after lunch. We are doing stockings and having a little Christmas dinner before I take them.

I am them picking them up on Boxing Day and taking them to my mum’s to spend time with the family.
There are lots of things I think they are worrying about - being away from me, missing out on family time with my family, not being made to feel valued by their dad and feeling as though they are not important, spending time with ow and her kids etc.
I think it is partly the unknown as well.
Dd has already asked how old she needs to be to make her own decision.
The problem is ds, although worried about it, is still quite loyal and will go out of duty. I do not want them in two different places on Christmas Day.
Next year they will be with me and after that they will be 15 and 12 and I think then if they don’t want to go they won’t.
The problem is they won’t talk to him about their feelings.

I have the same issue with them not telling him how they feel - simply because when they have tried they are shouted down and told to grow up and compromise

I have them Christmas day and my family are coming here. Boxing day they go to his and his parents will be there plus OW.

I am fortunate in that she doesn't have children so the "attention" will still be on them. Also she is making a real effort to get along with them.

Could you collect them Christmas day evening as he would have had them Christmas eve night and all day

You then get Christmas day eve and Boxing day. Which will work out equal amounts

Time for an utterly honest conversation with the DC about Christmas? If they really don’t want go... you can raise it with him, it may not change the outcome but at least he can’t pretend everything is all fine and dandy anymore!

Obviously as part of discussing it with the DC you need their permission to tell him and they need to be prepared to back you up, they also need to be aware it may not change the outcome...