2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

I've just caught up with everything.
The summer holidays etc....
You really are an amazing person and a fab mum.
It's heart warming reading your posts (most of them!!)
You will have blips.
I know when I type out on here what I went through when I split with my ExH, I still get choked up.
That was 8 years ago!!!

You are truly awesome!
Lucky lucky kids.

Thanks hellsbells.
This week has been a good week. Dd has been more settled and her behaviour has been so much better as a result.
I had a dreadful week with her the week before with awful tempers, really violent and aggressive.
This coincided with her being told that she has to spend Christmas Day with her dad this year. I am really torn on this one.
He is their dad and therefore it's only right that we take turns. I had them last Christmas so this year it is his turn. Ds is ok with it but I think more out of duty and doing what is right. Dd does not want to go.
Part of me feels I should not force her but the other part feels she's only 10 and still young enough to be told what's happening.
If she stays with me it means the dc being in two different places at Christmas, then when ds comes she will go to her dad's and I really don't want them split up.
Next year they will be with me anyway and by the following year dd will be 12 and more emotionally capable of making her own decisions.
I have told her that when she makes decisions like this it is her responsibility to tell her dad, not mine. I have said if she thinks she is old enough to make the decision, she also has to be old enough to deal with it.

We’ve actually had another pretty peaceful day here, the dc have got in pretty well all day.
They were telling me about a heated discussion they had with their dad yesterday which ended in him saying he is the only one who cares about anyone else’s feelings. Oh the irony.
They keep moaning at me about what they get to eat, lunch yesterday was just toast. He says he doesn’t want to get stuff in specially that will be wasted. For God’s sake, they’re his own kids?

Get stuff in especially that will just be wasted? Like food? Does he not eat at all when they aren't there then?

Unbelievable!

Sounds like he is watching the pennies. Do his parents live locally? The next thing will be taking them to eat at grandma's.

I would feel like taking him to task about the other people's feelings comments (you are right not to though) - but FFS he ought to feed his OWN children.

I know it’s a joke isn’t it?
He eats at ow house a lot I think.
He will just eat any old shit but it’s not fair on the kids.
The stupid thing is, he’s actually a really good cook and can make a meal out of just about anything. He used to enjoy cooking.
Now everything is out of a packet straight in the oven or microwave. Ds is trying so hard to lose some weight but it’s impossible while he’s there.

You are doing so well here. I think I would have lost it at the toast. Hugs.

Gosh toast that's not a meal. Yo must find it so very hard not to have a go or get involved in this one. Christmas as well such a hard one to know what to do ... will he have them all day at his house of with OW?

To be honest in terms of Christmas. He is their Dad, yes. And it is fair that they should spend Christmas with him, if they want to. It's about their right to spend time with him,

I'm not saying that means it should not happen. But, and its a big but, it is about what is in their best interests. At any given time. This is only Year 2 for them, and last year was very close to the split. They may need another one at home with you this year to feel secure. It doesn't mean they wont see their Dad, or that they can't go next year. Simply that you want what is best for them this time.

Given the difficulties they have had it is worth you considering the bigger picture. And deciding on that basis, not on the basis of what is "fair", or to avoid him kicking off. He has chosen this. There are consequences, and that is not to suggest it is punishment for him. Just that things are very different, and his DC's security and stability should be his priority, as it is yours.

Yes I see where you are coming from MsPav, interesting thoughts.
There has been no more mention of Christmas this week but I don’t think that means it has gone away. It has just settled down for a bit I guess.
We finally break up for half term tomorrow, I feel so in need of a little break. I just feel I need to recharge my batteries.
We have our usual weekend contact wise then ex has the dc Monday and Tuesday.
I am meeting a fabulous friend for lunch on Monday to celebrate our birthdays. We are going for cocktails after, I can’t wait.
Tuesday I think will be planning for school and housework.
Dd has physio for her dodgy gymnasts knee on Wednesday.
My parents are hoping to come either Thursday or Friday and we’ll maybe try to do a day out the other day, not sure where to go though.

Half term has arrived at last!
So looking forward to an opportunity to relax a bit!
My house is seriously in need of some tlc this week!

We have another week to wait here Ale! (It does seem late this year).My house is still a state even though I only work (very) part time. I must must must defrost the freezer and clean the cooker.

Enjoy your break and just take things as they come now - worrying in advance doesn't help anything. You know you have supportive friends and family around you.

Thanks Kaitlin - can’t believe you have another week. Hope it goes quickly. Our next one is 8 weeks because we don’t break up until 22nd.
Your two lovely jobs are on my list too, oh joy. I’ve been trying to make meals with everything I have left in the freezer so I can do that soon.
It will be lovely tomorrow night not to have that Sunday night feeling.

Enjoy your holidays. The schools go back tomorrow here (Bonnie Scotland).

You have come so far Op! Hope your maintenance payments are still coming through :)

Maintenance still ok as we speak, next one due Wednesday so we’ll see.
Just handed the kids over for two days so got a bit of time to rest barge my batteries a bit and have some me time.
Got my bg popping in for a cuppa shortly. Then I’m off out for lunch and cocktails with another friend to celebrate our birthdays. Go me!

I am so pleased for you - that’s fab!

Happy birthday. Enjoy yourself.

Why is it always he stupidest little things that get you when you least expect it?
I am catching up on some school Work whom he kids are with their dad so thought I’d put some music on.
I’m a bit of a sucker for musicals so found a playlist on Spotify.
Defying gravity has come on and suddenly I’m a snivelling mess! Wicked was the last show ex and I saw together as a couple. We went to London for my 40th 2 years ago about now.
We had a lovely few days doing some touristy stuff and went to see the show one night. It was so brilliant I loved it.
It was the last proper weekend away we had together.
It has caught me totally unexpectedly that it has upset me. I haven’t cried for a while. Luckily he is a completely different man to the one I fell in love with now, that makes it easier.
I don’t miss him at all but sometimes I just miss being part of a couple and doing that couply stuff.

You are right - it is always the stupid things and they will pop up at odd moments and take you unawares. You will go even 2 or 3 years with nothing and then two pop up at once. He will be getting these too. I agree though, it does help when you realise he is not the person you thought he was but a stranger.

It’s an interesting though Kaitlin, I always wonder whether he has moments like that or not.
I would like to think that our marriage actually meant enough to him for him to have moments of reflection.
In some ways I would love to sit down with him and ask all these questions. There are so many things I want to say to him, mostly related to the children, but I won’t.

Hugs Ale.

Oh Ale it's hard isn't it?
Sending you an un-mumsnetty hug!
Hope you had a wonderful birthday by the way.
I always wonder whether he has moments like that or not.
I would like to think that our marriage actually meant enough to him for him to have moments of reflection.
I bet he does . . . just too proud to say so.

Thanks user, it’s not actually m birthday until Saturday!
Had a really tough night with the dc, especially dd.
As usual they came back from their dad’s in a bad mood but dd especially was displaying terrible behaviour - shouting, demanding, being rude and aggressive.
I basically told it has to stop as she is ruining the time we have together and I won’t stand for it any more. Every time they come back they moan about their dad and something he has done or said.
Dd was screaming and crying then ds started, saying how he never gets a break from her. She’s always having a go at him etc. It was like ww3.
I sent dd up to get ready for bed and spoke to ds. I basically reiterated to him how they need to speak to their dad together about their feelings and how his behaviour makes them feel.
Then I went up to dd and said the same to her. I said she needs to stop pushing ds and I away with her behaviour.
She was absolutely sobbing and breaking her heart about the whole separation. I don’t think I had realised quite how raw her feelings and emotions still are. She was saying how her dad had ruined everything, why did he have to leave, why did he have to make their life so rubbish etc.
I just let her rant and cry for a while until she calmed down. We had lots of cuddles. I did also say to her that I can’t do anything about her dad, they need to speak to him together and if they do ‘t, they can’t keep coming home to me and moaning about him.
Nights like tonight make me realise they are still a long way away from being ok emotionally.

Oh your poor DD. Can't think of any advice sorry, except to reiterate that getting them to talk to their dad about how they feel as you said. It's tough isn't it! difficult ages too.
Your DC are lucky to have you as a mum by the way.