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Original poster

2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

999 replies

aleC4 · 01/01/2017 21:19

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 17/09/2017 11:49

Hmm - sounds as if he might have been got rid of - I think you suspected that before didn't you? I do hope he manages to find work soon - I presume he has been paying maintenance up to now anyway.

She isn't a teacher too is she?

What a complete bellend he is - just generally and in his stupid use of FB (not that he didn't deserve to get caught - but still.)

Original poster
aleC4 · 17/09/2017 17:16

She is a TA.
He paid maintenance at end of August as he would have been paid for August as usual.
Since then he has secured one afternoon of work.
I am really seriously worried about maintenance at the end of this month. He hasn't told me about the job or even had the decency to warn me that there might be a problem with the maintenance.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 17/09/2017 18:17

Is she a TA at the school he was at? (Don't answer if you think it could be too identifying). Do you think that he is burying his head in the sand? It sounds that way to me. Have you mentioned the job/maintenance situation to him at all, or do you think that would open the door to him saying he can't pay? If he doesn't pay up at the end of the month he will be even more contemptible - if that's possible.

What mine used to do was just not say anything, then not pay and get a couple of days' grace with me just hoping it was late, and then he wouldn't reply to emails (he was abroad in a different time zone so not easy to phone, and I didn't want to hear his revolting voice anyway) and then I was put into the position of begging for money for HIS children. I really hated him at that period of time. I don't hate him as much now, but remembering it makes me so angry. I really hope your ex doesn't do this. As I said previously, if he does, I would make sure by devious means that his parents know if they are decent people.

Infuriating - what would happen if you did the same as him? Utterly selfish.

Apileofballyhoo · 17/09/2017 20:28

Looks like he's throwing what's left of his life down the toilet. I'm so sorry that your DC will suffer. It's funny I can see OW dumping him and his life getting progressively worse, living on benefits, his DC not wanting to see him... I hope for your DC's sake it doesn't work like that but it sounds like you were the strong, stabilising influence in his life. I'm even more glad the house, mortgage and DC's residency are all safely with you. Put every penny you get from him away in case it's the last one.

Original poster
aleC4 · 18/09/2017 22:37

Don't want to say too much Kaitlin but they have worked together in the past, although not recently.
He is most definitely throwing his life away.
Dd was apparently really really badly behaved at his again this weekend. She is a complex character and he just doesn't get her. Add to that the fact that she is still so angry with him it is a disaster waiting to happen.
Ds said she was so horrible she made her dad cry.
Is it really awful that I thought good? I'm glad he's finally being made to feel some of the pain they felt. He must know it's his fault.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 19/09/2017 09:32

Sorry Ale - I know I get carried away because I am so angry on your behalf and of course you don't want to go into details - I didn't really expect you to.

Interesting about DD making her Dad cry - I hope he isn't, but I imagine him blaming her (or even you) completely for this and just not seeing his own major part in it. It must have been difficult for DS too. Remember when they were being good at his and then coming home and being difficult for you? I wonder if it might be clicking home in their minds exactly who is to blame.

Incidentally, talking about making people cry, I think I remember (it might be from your previous thread) when you first told the children about this and your DD was so so upset. And yet it didn't stop him, the OW was more important, his MLC was more important. What goes around comes around. All you can do is support your DC as you are doing.

Original poster
aleC4 · 20/09/2017 17:58

I honestly don't think he realises the impact his selfish behaviour has had on the dc.
Ds still gets very upset about the situation from time to time. He feels enormously let down by his dad who he was very close to and who he worshipped. Needless to say he does 't now.
As he is getting to the age where he is beginning to learn about relationships and adult behaviour, I think it hits home even more for him what a prize twat his dad was/is.
Dd is more difficult as she does not wear her heart on her sleeve like ds.
She is extremely angry and flies into a rage at the slightest thing.
Her moods and anger are difficult to handle. Partly it is puberty I think but she is very angry with her dad and finds it hard to express or talk about her feelings. Her confidence has suffered and her self-esteem is low.
School have been brilliant. She has just started a 10 week drama and art therapy course that they offer at the local art room. I hope it will really help her.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 21/09/2017 15:25

Your DC are so lucky to have you. Flowers

Original poster
aleC4 · 23/09/2017 12:06

Thanks Smile
At the moment we are going through the looking round secondary schools thing with dd.
When ds was doing it, ex couldn't wait to be a part of it. He rearranged things to make sure he could come to both schools open nights and talked to ds a lot about the pros and cons of both schools. In the end ds chose the one his dad didn't want and went where his friends were going. I'm so glad he did now as his dad left 2 weeks before he started. Sad
Now with dd her dad has shown very little interest. I made sure I informed him of all the dates and just assumed he would be coming. He only let me know the night before last week that he was 't coming to the first school. He was 'busy'.
How can he not see that it's the little things like this that matter? Dd said she was glad he was 't coming but that's not the point. It's just the lack of interest.

OP posts:
ontobiggerandbetterthings · 23/09/2017 12:18

Delurking to say same here. My STBXH is started doing the same after a year. At first I think he was at everything for school to show how he was still being a great dad. But after a year he is starting to be too busy to attend things. I am not sure if he is uncomfortable to be in my presence or in the company of other parents many of which know what he has done to his family. It's just a shame that they don't realise that the only people they are letting down are the DC.

Original poster
aleC4 · 25/09/2017 22:26

So ex decided at the last minute he was going to come to the 2nd secondary school open night tonight so I have had to spend a whole night with him!
Well, 2.5 hours but it felt like a bloody lifetime!

OP posts:
Fluerdelea · 25/09/2017 23:04

Poor you OP was it arkward? Has he mentioned his job ir lack of it yet

kaitlinktm · 26/09/2017 10:13

I wonder if someone commented on the fact that he wasn't intending to go? Maybe he just realised how bad it made him look. It was bad news for you though - I would hate to spend even half an hour in my ex's company (dread one of our children getting married for this reason).

Original poster
aleC4 · 26/09/2017 22:28

I have no idea but I wish he hadn't bothered.
I can cope with it if I absolutely have to but it puts dd on edge.
He is a complete prat and I found it very hard to make polite conversation. By the end if the evening I couldn't be bothered to even talk to him.

OP posts:
user1493423934 · 27/09/2017 04:35

Hope the evening went OK for your DD OP? Good on you for surviving an evening with him - I would've lost the plot!
Just been reading your threads (first one and this one) as same thing has just happened to me. You've done so well, and your DC are so lucky to have you. Do you mind if I PM you? just need advice.

Original poster
aleC4 · 27/09/2017 06:24

User f course not. I'll help wherever I can although to be honest I made a lot of it up as I went along!
So sorry you are going through it to.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 01/10/2017 07:57

Had a lovely day wandering round the shops in the nearest city with my mum yesterday. She came over in the train and we met there.
I finally told her about ex's job situation. I had put off telling my parents as I didn't want them worrying about me and my finances. She didn't go mad but obviously told my dad as soon as she got home as I got a phone call from him. He basically said I am to let them know as soon as things get difficult with money, I'm so lucky to have them.
I bought a few stocking fillers. I'm a bit stuck fir ideas this year. The dc both want a 'big' present this year so I have had to say there won't be much else. They are old enough to understand that. It's such an expensive time, especially as ds has his birthday a few days before Christmas.

OP posts:
ontobiggerandbetterthings · 01/10/2017 08:15

Glad to hear that your parents are so supportive of you. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to worry them about your situation since I do the same. But it is a comfort that when you do have to tell them a bit more about what's going on that they are there for you.

barbadoscalling · 02/10/2017 14:18

OP Has he told you about his job or lack of it yet? Is he still paying you the same money?

user1493423934 · 04/10/2017 12:15

Hope you are doing OK OP?

nigelsbigface · 04/10/2017 12:42

Just checking in ale... hope you are ok...
He really has had a mid life crisis hasn't he-chuck the family, lose your job, seem to forget you've got responsibilities....one big cliche...you sound so much more positive-you are doing great...

Original poster
aleC4 · 04/10/2017 20:38

Thanks Nigel, lovely to hear from you. I'm good although this has set me back a bit with the money worries. Hope you are good? Keep meaning to message you.
Ex still hasn't told me about his job. He knows I know but just doesn't have the guts to say anything.
In August and September he paid the usual maintenance but I can't see it going on forever. He is hardly working. It is stressing me out so much, I really can't manage without that money.

However he has made no mention at all of the fact that the money may go down.

OP posts:
user1493423934 · 04/10/2017 23:19

Thats so awful of your ex aleC4. Would you be entitled to any top up benefits (sorry not in UK so not sure what you have.)

nigelsbigface · 05/10/2017 07:20

I think you might just have to ask him outright...it would stress me out too.

Brenna24 · 13/10/2017 09:55

What a coward. That is utterly awful of him.

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