2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

preferably

I was thinking earlier what his plans might be for the future, who knows?
One thing I did think though, what on earth is he doing to plan for our children's future?
He has no house to cash in or leave them and I can't see him ever being able to buy now. We have the kids child trust funds and it's me that pays the £10 a month into those, it's not a lot but hopefully it will give them something in the future.
I have opened an account each for the children that I pay into each month as well. Again, it's not a lot but any little to help them in the future.
He won't have planned anything and I worry that everything in the future will also fall to me.
Goodness knows what will happen if they decide to go to university.

Ale, I mean this with kindness, but please stop thinking too far ahead. Therein madness lies!

You don't know what the future holds, there will be twists and turns, and thinking too far ahead is futile.

You are doing what you can, and doing it very well. That's all you can do, and it's enough.

Remember how far you've come, not how far you have to go, Remember that a year or so ago you never envisioned your current life. So learn from that and don't assume anything. Just carry on, keep doing what you're doing and relax.

Don't worry about things that probably won't happen.

Take care and enjoy the rest of the holiday. x

Cary is right. none of us can predict the future. There is no point in worrying about what he is going to do in his. Just be thankful that you are now financially separate from whatever mess he is going to brew up and won't be getting dragged down by him, which means that one of the two of you will be doing something to secure your dc's future. They will have more that way than if you are he stayed together.

You're both right,I know you are.
I try not to think about the future most of the time and live for today but every now and again I have a blip and start freaking out.
I'll consider my wrist well and truly slapped and go back to the here and now.
Dc have messaged me and have enjoyed their day out thank goodness. They are in the train and not far away now.
I have a busier day ahead tomorrow so less time to think!

The summer holidays are over and it's back to Wien for me tomorrow, and school for the dc on Tuesday.
We have had such a lovely summer and made lots of memories.
Ex is pissing me off beyond belief at the moment but I am maintaining my dignity and rising above it, for now.....

Well done. Give yourself a lot of credit for that.

We have all made it through our first week back at school.
Dc seem pretty settled so that's a relief, I worry particularly about ds.
I have opened a new bank account to start transferring the maintenance into while I'm still getting it! I figured if I can start trying to live without it and just dip into it for the dc big expenses I could maybe build up a little pot for Christmas.
Ex hasn't had any supply work yet, surprise surprise, so unless he has has a settlement from his old job he has earnt nothing yet this month.
He still hasn't had the decency to tell me the maintenance maybe affected.

Well done on first week, and glad it went well. He hasn't behaved with any decency at any point n the whole sorry affair (!), so unlikely to start now.

You are well rid really, as I expect you are slowly realising. And I expect in a few years you'll look back and count your (and your DC's) blessings.

If he runs true to type, the first you will know about the maintenance is when it doesn't go into your account and you will have to chase him up and be in the invidious position of having to ask him for money to support his own children - and he will no doubt say sorry he hasn't got the money.

Bloody mid-life crises - what would happen to the kids if you behaved the same as he does? Utterly selfish arse.

I would really make sure by hook or by crook that you let his parents know if this happens.

I definitely know I am well rid, it actually took an extremely short time for me to realise that!
It's funny because one thing I never would have said he was is selfish. Another thing I got wrong about him.
Ds was telling me all sorts today. How his dad forgot to get them anything in for lunch today so he had a tin of meatballs and a few fries from the bottom of the freezer. Dd had the rest of the eyes and two hot dog sausages. How shit is that?
It really pisses me off because he knows ds is trying to eat healthily as he is desperate to lose some weight. Since his dad left he has taken comfort in food and has really put on so much weight. He is very sensitive about it and it gets him down.
He is going to come to slimming world with me and follow their teens programme. He specifically asked his dad on Tuesday if they could start having some healthier meals and he promised they would.
Wednesday night he gave him fish and chips before rugby as he 'had no time to cook' even though he wasn't at work, last night was pizza and chips, coco pops for breakfast and then tinned meatballs and fries for lunch. It is just a joke. I cook him healthy slimming world meals here, there is only fruit for snacks and puddings and I really watch his portions. Then it is all undone with his dad.

he is just going to end up alienating himself from his own kids.

He is already well on the way to doing that to be honest.
They sadly know where they stand in his twisted list of priorities.

look AleC4 Just stop your son going around there.
Your son has issues from this now
Your son will start trying to lose weight without you knowing.
He may start running.
Or try something else,
The issue with your ex has started now.
You may think just taking them to him is helping but its not now.
They are suffering as this is not their life..

Ok this may be a post far gone but I have read your thread from the beginning but your children are suffering even when you think they are back safe with you.
But there life has changed and you need to keep them safe now.
Tell them to speak there real truth
If they do not want to go back then support them.
Your ex is a selfish man who dosn't care about them.

Frankly I don't really understand what you are saying?
Ds is not trying to lose weight in secret, he is doing it with my full support. We are doing it together. We cook together, plan the meals together etc. We are getting more exercise - walking is a great opportunity to chat about things. He is doing it because he wants to and I am helping.
You make it sound as though I am enabling their father's behaviour by letting them go round there. I will never make them go, but neither will I ever stop them. He's their dad and despite everything, they love him and want their relationship to work.
My dc and I have an extremely open relationship, more so now than we ever have. We talk about everything and they always get honesty from me.
They have both talked to their dad about their feelings very recently so we shall see what comes of that.
Their life is different now but by no means do they have a shit life, just a shit selfish dad.

AleC4
I mean this from my heart reading your thread
Let this man go and leave him to it.
He does not care about your children and never did.
Make your life with the children and move on.
You gave him his chance and he gave it away

Do not forget you have the chance to enjoy your family for what it is now.
The only loser is the one you leave behind.
Let go of the guilt you don't own it .
He does
You love them.
No matter what.

Believe me I let him go a long time ago. I couldn't give two shits about him, genuinely.
We have created a lovely happy home without him but he will always be a part of our children's lives while they want it.
We have so much fun and laughter in our house now. Yes life is different, yes my children have been deeply affected by the split but slowly they are healing with my help.
We talk, a lot. They can rant and rave as much as they need to to me and I still won't bad mouth their dad to them.
Unfortunately for me I cannot just pretend he exists. My children have a dad, albeit a crap one, but while they still want to see him I will continue to facilitate that for them.

I don't really get what you are saying either Frankly. The OP already has moved on - with her life and the DC's lives. Unless you mean move away? If so, why would she do this? That would mean even more upheaval for her and the DC - her job and their school, their lives, are where they are now. That is why she went to such trouble to keep the house.

She can't just stop the children from going to their father's. They have a right to a relationship with him and at the moment they WANT to see him so she would be going against their wishes if she stopped it - never mind ending up in court! She has said that she would never force them to see him - but so far they want to. I wouldn't be surprised if that changed in the future though, in which case it would be time to reconsider.

aleC4
You are such a strong person. I'm really amazed by how well you have coped this last year. I am still getting my life back together 4 years later but reading through your threads has inspired me to sort things out.

Thanks Kaitlin and changes.
I really am trying to do my best for those fab kids. 🙁
Sometimes I do wish they didn't have to see him, life would be easier then.
But they do and I can only hope he sees the error of his one day before it's too late.

Frankly I don't think you have a clue what is going on. AleC is doing a wonderful job of moving on while still facilitating her kids need to see their father.

AleC keep it up.

Have read your first thread too. I think you're fantastic. Hope this week has gone well. Sounds like your Ex was never what he should have been.

Do you know what, I don't think he was.
I think when you love someone you don't necessarily notice all their faults, or you put them to one side because you love them.
It's only now I can see all the things I ignored, put up with or just did 't really notice.
Little flaws in his character that I thought were just him that when exacerbated by other things have be one really ugly traits.
I look at him now and wonder what I ever saw in him.
And he is so wrapped up in his ow that he can't see the due wars spiral that his life is taking. He has no home to call his own, no job, is spending money like he's a lottery winner and has taken on a woman with more baggage than Heathrow. He is also gradually pushing his kids away.
I have my own home, a secure job that I love, I am not well off but I get by, but I know I have the unconditional love of my children because I give them a secure, stable home where they feel safe.
I think I am the lucky one.

I am glad you feel this way Ale because it's looking as though it might well all go pear-shaped for him (in time) and he might come sneaking back to see how the land lies - you are armoured against him though because your eyes have been opened.

BTW I am not wishing the pear-shapedness on him because, well with his job in any case, that would affect you and the kids, but this life of his can't continue the way it is surely.

Can't help wondering what happened at work though. If he just left, that would be the height of irresponsibility. I wonder if his private life took over to the detriment of work.

I know they were both signed off sick and were not very careful about their Facebook. Complaints were made to the headteacher that while he was off sick for a physical reason they were out walking long walks in a well-known local national park.
I know there were complaints from other staff about his laziness. He was senior leadership and did very little by all accounts.
(I have a friend who is a TA in the infant section so have some inside info).