2017 - following on from my bolt out the blue

[aleC4]

So here is my new thread as promised. I have found it so therapeutic writing on here and have received some great advice and support.
Here's to grabbing 2017 by the horns and making it my year.
(With maybe a few wobbles along the way!)
I can't work out how to link to my old thread on my phone!

Take some of this holiday home with you and remember that you can do it all again.

Perhaps next year you will be able to book for a bit longer - now that you aren't so nervous about being the only adult. So glad you have enjoyed it.

If anyone deserved a lovely relaxing holiday it was you and your children. Getting away from the day to day routine of home is so therapeutic when you've had such a difficult year. I bet you would not even imagined, one year ago, that you would be even able to think about taking the children away - but you did it! Well done to you. You are a lovely mum and you have created happy times which you will all remember. As I used to say to mine "we have to go back so we can start saving up for next year". Never mind a new kitchen. In years to come no one will remember what colour it was or about the old/wonky cupboards - plenty of time for new kitchens - but your children will remember happy times with mum. I notice ex was not able to take them away somewhere special and don't think this hasn't dawned on him or ow! Nor will the fact that one year on you are doing so well without him. Welcome home! .....and start saving!

Well here I am exactly one year to the day since that feeble excuse for a husband and father walked out on us.
I have just read my whole first thread again.
I can't believe how far I have come in a year, I actually feel quite proud of myself.
In that year I have got my own mortgage so the house is all mine, sorted all my finances, worked full time in a demanding job, supported, as well as I am able, two amazing kids through the most difficult time of their lives, started looking after myself a lot more, lost a stone - it's a start!, been out lots with my amazing friends and family and finally taken my kids abroad and had the most amazing time.
There is no way the last 12 mo this have been easy, it has been bloody awful at times, but I feel now as though we have built our own little life with our own little family.
This time last year I would never have expected to be where I am now, but I've bloody done it!

Massive pat on the back. I've not read all your thread but it's obvious you have overcome some really challenging times. You've achieved so much in a short space of time. Respect

Yes you have! Well done!
Onwards and upwards!

It's a great feeling isn't it? And things will just continue to improve now. There will be setbacks of course and times when you are exasperated with XH and when the kids find things tough, but this first year is the worst I found.

@aleC4 I've just come across and read both your threads. Congratulations on your achievements over the past year, you've been amazing!

I have just read both of your threads. You are amazing and your kids are so lucky to have you. I am really glad you had a good holiday and that your kids have relaxed a bit. I hope this next year improves for you all as much again.

Sooo....
After all that positivity I have just had a monumental meltdown!
God knows where that came from, rurally unexpected.
After a bit of reflection yesterday, but positive, I thought right, that's it. No more this time last year! I've sorted all the boring stuff, now time to focus on me as a person.
Kids are at their dad's today and tonight. Had a friend round for coffee earlier, all fine, felt normal.
Picked dd up earlier to drop her at her hobby and stayed to watch for a bit.
All of a sudden I felt sick, banging head, I can only describe it as feeling like a coiled spring.
Ex is due to pick her up anyway so I got out, got to the car and just started crying.
I don't know why.

I had no idea all that emotion was so close to the surface. Got home and had a good roar. I feel totally rung out but a bit better. I don't even know why I was upset. I guess it was just the emotion and thoughts of the last few days that I didn't know I was suppressing.

I am not totally surprised. Anniversaries are tough times and the first ones especially. I hope it is all out your system soon and you can get back to feeling good about what you have done.

Not surprising that you're having negative reactions as well as all the positive OP. I posted on your first thread way back (name changed since) and you really have done fantastically well. It must have been emotionally totally exhausting. I hope that the remainder of your break is good and that the new term starts positively both for you and your children. It's so great to see a woman come through something so awful and to eventually come out on the other side.

You've been through a shitstorm and you survived it.
You're amazing, but you're not superwoman! (Well you are, but you know what I mean).
Of course you will have bouts of feeling like this. It's what makes us real and human.
Don't overthink it, go with it. Like everything, it will pass.
Good times ahead. Today was just a little bump in an amazing road.
xx

Thanks guys, I am feeling much better now. I think I needed to get that out of my system. I think I had been building up to knowing it was a year and perhaps i had thought about it too much but not talked about if you see what I mean?
I am feeling much better now. Yesterday was a good day meeting up with lovely friends and their kids. Today we have the joy of sorting school uniform, shoes, stationery etc.

Sounds lovely. Enjoy your day with your wonderful children.

So another week has gone, only one more week left of the summer holidays! How on earth did that happen?
I think I've given the dc a fun summer and we've certainly made some very special memories on our holiday.
This week got better after my blip on Monday/Tuesday but it's hit me hard again tonight.
The dc are going to London with ex and ow tomorrow so are sleeping at his as they have an early start. That means a 3 night stay which is unusual for them and they were 't overly keen. I've felt really down tonight. I guess it's the thought of another two days in my own. I think it's hit me harder because it is bank holiday which is typically family time.
I also found out something about ex and his jo that has me worried about maintenance and that is playing on my mind too.

Oh Lord - she isn't expecting is she?

Jesus I hope not! No they have just filled that gap with a new puppy! He hasn't got time for the kids but now every moment is spent worrying about the dog.
No it should have said job not jo! That's not her name lol!
He has jacked his job in. I don't know why but I knew something was going on as I have a friend who works in the same place. I actually think it was probably 'leave now and I'll give you a decent reference' as I know things have not been going well recently.

I am just so worried though. He was in a well paid job and has nothing to go to, he's going to an agency he told ds. The maintenance was taken into account when I applied for my mortgage.

Doh - trust me to get the wrong end of the stick!

Yes - from being in teaching myself his situation sounds familiar - I wonder if he has a proper reference or an agreed one or if he went on a settlement agreement? It looks as thought his mid-life crisis has extended to his career. If he goes on supply his pay could be erratic and he could be hard to pin down. Has he spoken to you about this?

Honestly, jacking in his job - has he no sense of responsibility at all? Does he know that your mortgage takes account of his maintenance? Is he prepared to see his children homeless? (Not that it will come to that I know). I also wonder if his parents know he has resigned? I am sure they would have a lot to say about it if they did. Perhaps time to do a little bit of long-distance stirring Ale?

He is such a cliché - filling in the whole bingo card isn't he?

If it's any consolation when something similar happened to me I was surprised (and overwhelmed) by how much help I got from family - mostly from mine but to a lesser extent from his.

I did wonder about some sort of settlement agreement because he still seems to be splashing the cash. I mean a puppy for god's sake, they cost a fortune. Apparently it is hers but it seems to spend most of its time at his - where he is not allowed pets!
I am very shocked about his job. He came to teaching late and had to work hard for it. It nearly bankrupted us when he was training but of course I,as the dutiful wife, supported our family financially through it all. It was what he wanted to do for such a long time and now it sounds like he's throwing it all away.
He has 't told me anything. I had my spies out because I knew something was going on but he told the kids. He said he had left his job and because he hadn't decided which school he was going to yet he was going to a supply agency. What a load of bollocks! He also told ds that he would be guaranteed a wage. Even if that is true it won't be what he was getting for senior leadership.
He doesn't know that the maintenance wS tKen into account for my mortgage but he knows how these things work and he knows I rely on it.
I would be very very surprised if his dad and stepmum know, they won't be very happy. His dad is lovely but a bit of a funny character. His step mum is much more approachable, I might have to ask her round for coffee..

I found it was my FIL who was more annoyed with my XH when he "lost" jobs (although he was less willing to put his hand in his pocket and preferred criticising). His mother (I think) was the one who offered to help out (I think it was with uniforms or some repair for the house) my parents gave us some money regularly until he found work.

However his parents' disapproval made things more uncomfortable for him - he couldn't dismiss them as he felt he could
with me - and I think it provoked him to make more efforts. Otherwise he was more likely to have a lie-in and a couple of fags and coffees and then nip out to get the paper at about half past two (when my school day was nearly over).

I was thinking more of maybe the kids mentioning it to their gp first - before you meet with either of them. They might not realise how much you need the maintenance and might be thinking that you have a full time job and can manage.

It is highly likely the kids will mention something to be honest.
They do to their grandparents for tea after school once a week and they take them straight to their dad's to sleep. It's bound to come up in conversation.
It just makes me laugh. He pleads poverty to the kids all the time, got no money to do things etc but then he has bought the dog, buys ow a pandora charm about once a month, eats out a lot etc. He's taken them to London with her today so 4 train tickets there and back, easily £100 if not more, lunch - push picnic apparently, museum is free, promised them something from hamleys, then dinner out a surprise restaurant which I have a feeling maybe the rainforest cafe as he has always wanted to go and was ill the day we went in Florida. Hardly the actions of a man with no job!

He is behaving like a teenage boy right now. I hope that he comes down to earth with a bump soon. And I hope that his parents find out and help get him there.

His lack of responsibilities has blown me away to be quite honest.
It has made me realise more than ever that I was the one doing all the hard work in our marriage.
He could be impulsive and was shit with money but I now see what our life would have been like if I was like him.
I suspect he also has a lot of credit card debt.

I am very shocked about his job. He came to teaching late and had to work hard for it. It nearly bankrupted us when he was training but of course I,as the dutiful wife, supported our family financially through it all. It was what he wanted to do for such a long time and now it sounds like he's throwing it all away

Sounds familiar - I also supported ex through 4 years of study - it didn't lead to a job in the end, although that wasn't entirely his fault. I also drove him to and from work during a drink driving ban - but still
in the end I wasn't good enough for him. I just feel glad I've seen the back of him and don't have to worry about him coming home with yet MORE bad news due to his own actions. Just keep thinking that as the years progress he will have less and less influence/effect on your life.

It has made me realise more than ever that I was the one doing all the hard work in our marriage
He could be impulsive and was shit with money ... I suspect he also has a lot of credit card debt.

What a prince eh! I know the maintenance is a potential problem but I am sure you are grateful that he isn't building credit card debt that previously you might have been jointly liable for.

Basically he needs to be made to understand (preferable not by you) that if he renegues on the agreed maintenance, his children could be seriously affected.