OW

[namechangeforobviousreasonss]

Ok so I'm the other woman

Yes I know it's wrong, yes I've been cheated on in the past and yes I know I'm the awful person all women hate..I'm not looking for acceptance but I figured the amount of women on this forum surely someone else has been the OW? How did it turn out?

Ok OP - here's one for you. My ex's OW is now happily engaged to him and has a high earning good looking guy now living with her and her 5 year old. Judging from the messages and conversations we had when he left for her she has absolutely no problem putting her desires and wants above those of my two kids who she had met and who are the same age as her DD. My kids are very very clearly about 3rd or 4th on.their dad's priority list and they are starting to realise it, but hey, ow is happy so that's All that matters yes? They howl in pain.and rage and loss that they can't articulate but she got her man so all's good. In my case it was an absolute classic situation of bored / stressed with normal domestic life and the appeal of what seemed like a meeting of soul mates to judge from the bullshit teenage crap they used to text to each other. He has of course told her and anyone else who would listen.that he'd been.unhappy for ages etc - it was complete crap, he's not a good actor, and he has even told me that he wouldn't have gone if not for her. Their engagement announcement garnered very few 'likes' on FB - people who.know the backstory are disgusted by him, he has caused immense pain and hurt and upheaval to both his immediate and extended family and financially his kids future is far less secure than it should have been. But none if that matters because she got her man.
Your MM has a newborn for ffs! You keep saying he won't leave but you don't seem to have considered the possibility that he gets found out and kicked out - would you really want him under those circumstances? Really? There is nothing defensible you can say about your position. 'Feelings developed' - well maybe, but ACTIONS are chosen and deliberate. For the love of God, step away from this hideous lying cheat and get some self respect before you become an accomplice in the breakdown of a family. If you 'win' him you will always always know how it began and so will others and so will his kid. It taints it.

He was a friend who knew my dc anyway. His contact amount with DC has remained the same as before and no physical contact or anything to suggest we are more than friends happens around DC.
I haven't denied I'm selfish or the woman that all women hate..
I don't know I guess I'm enjoying good attention rather than the bad?
Pp have allowed me to get some clarity on the situation. I need to leave the shitstorm of 2016 behind and start making the right decisions for my DC

The right decision for your children is always to be a good role model.

Do you want your children to end up with liars who don't respect them? And they will find out how awful you are eventually if anything does come of this relationship. Don't be surprised if they lose all respect for you.

You seem to really enjoy saying "I'm the woman that all women hate". No, some women feel that way but I'd say the majority just see women like you as doormats, ready to throw everything out the window to get a worthless man. Thoughtless, definitely (as you say) selfish, and generally not very bright. I'd imagine you have very little self worth (if you can be honest with yourself at least) and I would feel sorry for you if you weren't in the business of destroying lives.

Basically, you have nothing good coming to you and it's what you deserve.

Oh wait, by "leave the shitstorm" do you mean "stop sleeping with a married man?"

Op it sounds to me like you're lonely and probably still very much licking your wounds from your previous relationship. This man has come along and given you affection and for the first time in ages it's made you feel good.

But it's false, it's not real. You're both looking at it from different perspectives.

You're looking at him to take you away from your misery. He doesn't beat you up, he gives you that warm glow inside when you spend time with him. Isn't this how love is supposed to feel? He's all you think about. You're in over your head. You're looking towards building a future with him. That hopefully some day you can be together and he will love only you.

He's thinking - hmm she's lonely, she's reliant on me at the moment, I want something in return. My wife is preoccupied somewhat at the moment and I could really use some sex and attention right now. I'll see if namechange is up for it. As long as I tell her I'll never leave my wife then she won't get too heavy on me and we can have a bit of discreet fun. If I'm nice to her and help her out now and again then she gets something out of it and so do I. Where's the harm.

Happy ever after ain't going to come of this. You're useful for now until the flames in his loins dies down. Then you'll be discarded. It won't end well.

I don't hate you I empathise with you.

You are just out of an abusive relationship so the situation you are in feels 100% better than what it was.

It's not.

You are headed for another battering albeit an emotional one.

You need to "own" 2017. Make it about you, your child, your job and your life. Don't make it about a man. Get your feminist pants on. Get out there, get your identity back and keep your dignity.

You can do it

Xxx

Sorry OP, I went to the last page by accident and I see now that you're not actually sleeping with him. Send him home to his tiny baby before you both mess up that little one's life.

Angle I think you've hit the nail on the head

OP, I feel sorry for you. You are a survivor of abuse and are now struggling to rebuild your life. Either this man feels sorry for you and protective of you because of what you have been through and has mistaken this for something more, or he sees you as an easy target as you are desperate for love and kindness. It might be nicer for his ego to play the hero with you rather than second fiddle at home when his wife and child rightly are the stars just now. All his love, time and affection belong to his wife and child.

I think You have no self worth, no self respect nor for anyone else. Just because others conduct there lives in the manner you choose to does not make it excusable or justifiable. You are clearly uncomfortable with who you are or why seek validation.

Get help and be a better person for yourself.

Op I'm with jeaux on this one, I don't hate you either and am not here to give you a kicking when you sound a bit down.

You have a chance for a fresh start. New Year, new start. Take control back and end it with this chancer before anything developed further.

Yes it will be hard as emotionally you're already sucked in. But it can be done. It's time for a lifestyle change and to get yourself to a happy place. This man will not make you happy in the long run. It'll be instant gratification followed by a whole heap of mess later on down the road.

Do you have many friends? A good social life? Any hobbies that you love to do? Just somewhere you can redirect your effort so that your mind is taken off this guy.

OP just stop and think back to those hazy, wooly days of having a new born. How hard that time was. How much you wanted to feel loved and supported by your partner. How after carrying and birthing a baby, the last thing you would even contemplate is that man cheating on you, shattering the trust you have in him and your new family.

Did you feel like this? I bet that your MM's wife does. You are a mother. You are a woman. Stop shitting on another human being like that. All humans are inherently good. Be good.

I don't know what I wanted from my original post but what I've found is a whole load of reasons to end it before it goes any further and not a single one to continue. Thank you, sincerely for that. It's the wake up call I didn't know I needed. Do we go back to being just friends?

I wouldn't stay friends. It's too easy to slip back into being too close.

No you have no contact with him what's so ever block his number delete it from your phone, block all social media connections.

Although not a real relationship it will feel like a break up so you have to treat it as such.

You won't be able to remain "just friends" with him while you are so emotionally dependent on him.

No, tough love for yourself. . Erase him completely from your life.

I think you need to get some distance first. This is for your sake.

Explain it's not right and you want to focus on you and your dc and maybe over time you can get back to being friends.

Distance and no contact for a while is the best cure.

You are honestly doing the right thing for you, I am wincing at how vulnerable you are at the moment after a really tough year and it's like watching a car crash in slow motion.

And honestly you really do deserve a lot more (and for those who called you names, do the two fingered tap dance at them, you survived and got out of an abusive relationship so personally I think you deserve a bit of a hug) xx

Yeah, he is a genuine superstar of a guy hey op. Despite having a wife and newborn at home, he has enough love to spread around to you all! What a doll!
Seriously, get a bloody grip of yourself. He is manipulating you. He gets the best of both worlds, a wife bringing up his baby and a bit on the side to think he is amazing and inflate his ego. No doubt he will be after sex soon too, so he will get double that (because he will still be having sex with his wife, no matter how many sob stories he tells you about his poor little willy feeling sad and isolated).
Stop this now. Find yourself a partner who is fully committed to you and your child.

And god no -NO contact or "being friends"

OP, I think that's the right decision and I'd join those saying that friendship isn't going to be tenable for either of you. Cut each other off.

However, as so often I see voices of pure condemnation on this thread, as so often on this board. Life is complicated and I can't find it in myself to condemn what you've done as simple immorality. You never know what lives inside you until you're tested, and no person is all good or all bad. Not all or even most "cheaters" are scum through and through. Those who cheated in one relationship will not necessarily do it in the next, despite what people might want you to believe. Most "cheaters" are well aware that they're behaving in a way that would disgust some, and struggle with it. But nobody ever does anything for no reason at all and it's quite rare IMO for someone to want to commit infidelity in a marriage purely to gratify their ego or whatever. Psychopaths like that do exist, of course, but most people are inconveniently more complicated than that.

Live. Learn. Move on. Try to live in a way that you're happy and comfortable with and try to be kind. I think that's all most of us can do.

I was the OW once many years ago in my late 20s and it was horrible.
The man was the owner of the company I worked for and had had numerous affairs, he manipulated me into sleeping with him and in a vulnerable moment I did (after having resisted him for years) and once I'd slept with him once he threatened to give my job to someone else unless I carried on. I felt so awful because I knew and liked his wife and had socialised with her.
It ended after about 3 months when I told him I'd find another job. I've always felt so bad about the whole thing.
He's now nearly 70 and married to a girl much younger than him after they had an affair and she moved into the marital home and his poor wife got shoved out.

From a slightly different perspective. My sibling and I have both said we have less respect for our parents who were each the 'other' in the relationships that ultimately ended three marriages. Even though they went on to have long, happy marriages with their 'others', it has definitely affected my opinion of both of them when it comes to integrity in relationships. Over 40 years later and even after the death of two of them.
Have more self respect.

Nice post scrubbles. So spot on

The thing is, this man is not your friend anyway. His wife is preoccupied with their newborn so he's using you to plug a gap. That's not friendship, or any kind of relationship.

It's time to learn to put yourself and your DC first and learn to be on your own before you start a relationship, which should be with someone available who will put you first, not just use you as a convenience for something they aren't getting at home.

You said upthread that there are no innocent people in this but there are - his wife, their newborn and your DC, all of whom you risk hurting beyond repair.