OW

[namechangeforobviousreasonss]

Ok so I'm the other woman

Yes I know it's wrong, yes I've been cheated on in the past and yes I know I'm the awful person all women hate..I'm not looking for acceptance but I figured the amount of women on this forum surely someone else has been the OW? How did it turn out?

Yes, agree. That's what made me question whether the op is single herself.

I was OW. I was separated living in same house as stbexh. OM was in the standard 'unhappy marriage '. He worked away from home and was extremely unwelcome when he returned. -(This is because his wife liked the money coming home but not the husband - as she had a boyfriend up the road). He knew something was going on but didn't want to leave his children. I didn't want mine to not live with their dad. (We had become friends) we justified it to ourselves that we would just see each other and keep the marriages going 'for the children' . It lasted 4 months before we both couldn't keep the deceit up anymore. He told his wife and left home. We have now been together 11 yrs. Married 8.

I am not proud, it was a shit thing to do. The consequences have been horrific for the children (his) they have been used as a weapons of mass destruction for a decade, we have spent years in and out of the family court. 2 of his now live with us f/t. After a period of full blown parental alienation.

As it turned out the marriage was horrendous. She was seeing someone else and has been married to him for 8 yrs. That doesn't make it right. I am always the OW because we didn't wait. He should have left first before we got together . An affair rarely works out. Most men may be happy to leave their wives but not their children.

Loads of threads on this OP. It turns out in various ways of course there is no set formula. I've seen pretty much all different outcomes from groups of friends and family.

Some have found love and are happily married years later, some were serial cheaters and the wife/husband accepted that, some have been discarded and outcast basically.

Someone always always gets hurt though.

Thank you for your responses..good and bad.
Yes I am single I have a small child and he has a new born. I'm more than aware that if his wife found out it would destroy his family where as what do I have to lose...his words!
It was unexpected to fall for him and him for me, he was a friend and feeling developed I was going through a bad time he helped me and things just developed from there, I haven't slept with him it's a very much emotional affair at the moment. I know I should stop it and actually your harsh words of he doesn't give two shits about me in reality has hit home. Thank you ladies

"I'm always curious about these threads. They are pretty frequent. I wonder what they are meant to achieve."

I notice that they occur frequently on Sunday's or around public holidays. When the married man is with his family. And so for the OW - who is all on her own at New Year - talking about him is the best there is on offer.

It is, I think, a sign of misery. Because there is no drama to be stoked. And no matter what is posted, OW is still on her lonesome.

"and things just developed from there"

Cut this out! No 'things' didn't 'develop' all by themselves. You and he have both made decisions to pursue this path.

Meditrina
That's interesting.

My ex is still with his affair partner. Because of our children (she has none and was single) and geography, they don't live together and she doesn't see him with the children (his choice; I've no idea what her view is). When he eventually buys his own place (he is renting), I've no idea whether she will move in. He certainly has strong views on whether I ever have a partner move in.

I think she has a half life now. She has someone she is devoted to who takes her away on little breaks regularly, and they move in elevated and cultured circles. He has had a vasectomy, and has four children with me. I feel certain this is not how she hoped things would turn out. He still keeps her secret and hasn't introduced her to our 'old' mutual friends.

From controlling me, he is now controlling her. It is, as i said, a half a life for her. She got her man, but she also got all the terms and conditions that a controlling man with four kids brings with him to the relationship.

Also I never wanted to be the OW to anyone ever. I always held my head high with morals of self respect and respect for others, clearly I've failed at that! Regardless of that, he pays me attention he's lovely kind caring and a beautiful person to me and my DC. He's never promised to leave his wife for me in fact quite the opposite the boundaries are clear that I am indeed the OW that's all. I just feel like the only person in all of this to get hurt will be me because I will fall for him whereas he will always hold me at arms length?

If he's made his position clear on staying with his wife, does that not make you think that he has no decency? OP, you are worth more than this. Being attracted to him is one thing, but he doesn't sound like a very nice person. I can understand if it was a great love, and he was completely consumed by passion for you, but it sounds as though it's transactional on his part. I would run, before you become closer to him, because you already recognise you will be the one hurt.

It sounds like he's made it clear you will never be more than the OW. You have also said you will be the one who gets hurt. So why not walk away now before you get more hurt and before his family gets torn apart. It won't end well.

It's easy to justify these feelings while the affair is secret - 'it just happened' 'we just fell into an affair' 'feelings just developed and we can't turn it off'. The thing is when the shit hits the fan the fall out is horrific. The romance is well and truly ruined.

The inevitable hatred and anger from his wife, her family, possibly his family towards you. For some reason the blame is always much worse for the OW rather than the married man.

The reality of your affair being exposed would be that friends would shun you, not all but some. You'd feel you couldn't trust people you could before the affair as you'd feel judged. If you live near you affair partner you'd feel gossiped about by the neighbours, at the school gates...etc it really is a horrible way to live.

Also the fall out may be too much for your affair partner to cope with and he may go running back to his dw for forgiveness leaving you broken and with all the fall out to deal with. Horrendous situation. It may not turn out like this but it often does.

He has a new born baby at home, so you are his shag now his wife is otherwise occupied. Lovely man, devoted father, I am sure....

You're probably right, namechange

At least he is not one of the one's lying about his intentions, and stringing you along with plans of leaving 'when the time is right'.

That seems to be the generally accepted script on here. In my experience though, there are plenty of men like yours who are quite open that all they want is a bit on the side. This usually works better if the other woman is also married and the arrangement suits her.

He's probably unwittingly taking a big risk with you because as he says, 'you've got nothing to lose'. Where I've seen these scenarios before, the single woman is happy to play the game for a while. But the whole thing is such a head fuck, if she stays in the relationship, she almost always reaches the crazy stage at some point.

This is when her normal, rational thought goes out the window and she'll contrive any sort of way to make sure the wife finds out and force the situation to explode.

The length of time it takes to reach this stage, and the outcome of it afterwards varies a lot.

I haven't stopped anything because I enjoy his company I enjoy the time and affection he gives me.
My previous partner I was with for 12 years he cheated on me throughout and now this man is cheating on his wife with me so am I wrong to thing actually all men are like this it's just if they get found out?
I don't know if it's harder because we are emotionally connected rather than just sexually? If things carry on i would say they will develop sexually then will I feel even worse?

Ill be honest, in my younger days I slept with a few married men. Most of the time, I didn't know TIL after tbf. Anyway, I was never looking for a relationship, just ONS.

I would never have a relationship with a MM, what would be the point?

User I don't believe there is an innocent one in all of this. I know I'm doing wrong as much as he does. He goes back to his wife and plays happy families is he spared being hung drawn and quartered because he's male?

"clearly I've failed at that!"

Yes. And what does that really mean? It's not a glib throwaway line - or at least it shouldn't be. It's the jettisoning of your moral compass.

And for what?

"he's lovely kind caring and a beautiful person to me and my DC."

No, he's a cheat, who wants you as a FWB and who will dump you (and your DC) if it becomes inconvenient. Now, you sound up for that, fair enough. But is it right for your DC?

" I just feel like the only person in all of this to get hurt will be me"

No, it'll be your DC, if you continue to let them meet. Pretty shit really.

If you must keep seeing this loser, at least stop him seeing your DC. Immediately.

Long story short:

I was the OW for 5 years. Every Christmas I'd tell him I can't do it anymore and I'd always give in. He would always say he wanted to leave but couldn't in case his fiancé refused him access to the kids blah blah blah. Just after year 5 I met someone else and ended it. He left his fiancé but it was too late. He never went back to her. She never refused him access. I now have kids with the other guy I met and all is good.

You are going to do what you want regardless of any advice you get on here. You are justifying it to yourself by concluding all men cheat if they get a chance so it may as well be you as someone else.
If he does leave his wife and newborn (because he isn't getting her full attention now) and moves in with you and maybe you even have the big wedding. What then? Can you really respect a man who ditched his own family for his sexual pleasures and do you really think that he won't do it to you in the future? You already know he can lie and cheat on the woman he "loves". Your choice. I loathe OWs.

He has a newborn, what you are doing is revolting. All his time and energy should be for his wife and child.

Yes he is worse, but he's not here posting. I don't know how you can even look at yourself.

I do believe that just sometimes, people are with the wrong person and they perhaps go along with the relationship because it's ok. Then sometimes they meet someone else and boom; it just hits them that actually this is the person they love and although it's agonising to hurt their current partner they have to take that chance. Usually the current relationship isn't so great in this case.

These are the circumstances under which I can understand emotional affairs, people leaving one person and shortly getting together with another.

I have experienced both sides of this.

However in situations like yours I can only think that the man is having his cake and eating it and far from being a 'lovely man' is actually a total coward. In my experience either the OW (or other man) is secretly waiting for the other person to leave their current partner so they can run off together into the sunset. This rarely seems to happen as actually the novelty wears off and you are just another distraction from their not-so-great relationship/marriage/whatever.

Wake up OP and get out before you get deeper into this and cause yourself a whole mountain of heartache.

User I don't believe there is an innocent one in all of this

His wife and new born baby?

The two of you disgust me.

He has a newborn baby??? Seriously how can either of you look ourselves in the mirror. There is NO justification for this. It didn't 'just happen'. It is a series of conscious choices and decisions and you are both fully at fault. His poor poor wife. Both of you are just completely pissing all over her life when she is at her most vulnerable. This makes me so so angry.