OW

[namechangeforobviousreasonss]

Ok so I'm the other woman

Yes I know it's wrong, yes I've been cheated on in the past and yes I know I'm the awful person all women hate..I'm not looking for acceptance but I figured the amount of women on this forum surely someone else has been the OW? How did it turn out?

"I know I need to stop it I just don't want to"

and there we have it. No it's obvious you don't want to stop. So far it's been fun, exciting and romantic. This won't last as you then face the anger of other people who will inevitably have opinions. He may get depressed and morose and possibly blame you even whilst he clings to you for support when his "nasty" STBXW hates him and isn't fully understanding of his new love story.

Save the fantasies for Johnny Depp to act out. Life doesn't turn out well for the OW usually. I said usually.

I get people fall out of love etc etc I do but there is just something particularly gross about a man cheating while the oh is pregnant or they have a new born it's hardly giving the relationship your all is it . Cake and eat it springs to mind , how you would ever want to be with someone like that is beyond me

From the outside looking in its easy, it's a no brainer of course but when there's emotional feelings involved rightly or wrongly that's what makes it difficult.
I want to thank all of the helpful and constructive posts.thats what I will read over again to help me get out of this utterly shit situation I've allowed myself to get into.

Pathetic

You mustn't collude in the destruction of a family unit. That poor poor woman with a newborn . Please OP treat others how you would like to be treated.

It's not easy. But for sure it will get way more complicated if you let it. You've also just come out of an abusive relationship. What you really need is time to get over that, get your confidence back, focus on your child, job, friends and you. Heal. Date again eventually and have some fun.

Running head first into a shitstorm is not the first thing I would recommend.

How many more times do you want to hurt yourself?

I just feel like the only person in all of this to get hurt will be me because I will fall for him whereas he will always hold me at arms length?

Oh grow up.

How about his DW and DC. Don't you think they will get hurt.

Gross

This happened my 21 year old Ds, when his girlfriend of 3 years cheated on him with a married 50 year old man. She got a years placement out of college and he was her boss. Ds was contacted by the cheating husbands wife to tell him what was going on. My Ds was devastated and so were we as I treated her like a daughter. His wife found out what was going on when he sent her a text message and a photo of his privates by mistake, instead of sending it to Ow.. His wife is still with him, and thankfully my son has moved on and has met a fantastic girl, but just to say when the shit hits the fan,there are a lot of people left hurt and disappointed by someone who you thought as being a decent person.

He's got a newborn baby and wife that he ought to be supporting and caring for. Instead, he's spending time on a fantasy with you. He's not a nice guy really is he? You wouldn't want him doing that to you.

It sounds like you were vulnerable coming out of your previous relationship, and lonely. What do you want in the medium to long term? If it is a relationship with someone who cares for you - this isn't it. Every moment you waste on someone who would cheat on a partner with a newborn, is one you haven't spent on building your own future - be that relationships, friendships, skills, exercise, studying or whatever.

You are worth more than crumbs of affection but you are colluding in hurting his partner and child. You don't have the same duty to them that he has, but a bit of empathy for her wouldn't go a miss.

That he thinks you have nothing to lose, shows how little he values your time and long term happiness that you can waste it on him and an affair. Or maybe he thinks he's such a great catch that he's worth the trouble?

Chocolate Doll - that story is really worrying! I know lots of men feel neglected when there is a new born about but to leave after just a few weeks seems really heartless!

^^ this last paragraph from third is really important. If he thinks that your situation is so pointless and free from any value that you may as well sleep with him, he is saying that nobody else will want a fulfilling relationship with you. This is not the mark of a lovely guy. This is a user. Coupled with his clear position that he will never lose his wife - he is telling you that he is a catch and you are not.

Start 2017 as a single woman. And hold out for someone who can give you his whole self. Or just be happy single. This man is not good for you. But you know that.

I think this man is an absolute shit for moving in on you when you were just out of a violently abusive relationship. His wife and baby are vulnerable and you are vulnerable too. Can't you see that he is not a decent person OP?

His poor wife is forever linked to this despicable creep because of their baby, irrespective of whether they remain married. You, however, have the opportunity to get rid of him for good, with nothing binding you. Do it. Find someone nicer.

My ex cheated on me - first it was an EA then turned physical when I was pregnant. She was married with a child.

I spent the last 3 months of my pregnancy on my own and they moved in together when my baby was 3 months old.

I hated them both when I found out, but I resented her massively because his attention, instead of being focused on our new child, was focused on courting her. And, as it turned out, planning on moving in together.

Yes they are still together, 5 years later (if that's what you want to hear OP) but he's massively controlling and now he controls her.
I'm very happily single and have made a good life for me and my DS.
I feel sorry for the pair of them because they can never fully trust each other.

"there's emotional feelings involved rightly or wrongly that's what makes it difficult. "

Duh. Yes. Whoever did you think otherwise.

Doesn't make his utterly despicable actions in any way acceptable. And learning to control your emotions is part of the journey to adulthood. One you perhaps need to work on as youbarevcurrently making very poor life choices.

"How and why I don't know because it certainly wasn't something I was looking for. Please note this has happened over time not weeks!!!"

It happened because you chose it and continue to choose it with every single converstation, call and text. Every single time you agree to any form of contact you are choosing him. Grooming - whichever way round or just mutual - does take weeks. And you have consented and chosen this all along.

Now, it makes not one whit of difference to anyone here whether this is the type of relationship you want. I think that settling for a FWB (for that is what you are, he's told you there's no future) would be dead wrong for me. But if it's your relationship dream, go for it.

But in doing so, keep your DC well clear of it.

I wonder if OP will be back? She was clearly lonely last night, and talking about him is keeping her bubble going.

I think it's a pity she doesn't use that as a spur to recognise how unhappy she is. Then again, perhaps she isn't and she just enjoys yakking about her (all too ordinary) sex life.

There are so many stories on here of women in terrible relationships who struggle emotionally to get out. MN offers them support, even when the partner is clearly abusive and we all want to drag her away. Why is being the OW so different? OP, you've fallen for the wrong man. He's not who you think/imagine he is. Tonight he'll be with her, not you. He probably won't think of you anywhere as much as you think of him.
Someone said there are plenty of single men out there but you only have to look at the dating thread to realise that when you get older, have kids, actually dating is hard and the quality left to date is not great. So someone comes along when you're lonely and gives you the attention you crave? Yes, I can see how easy that would be to fall for. Especially this time of year when loneliness is at its worst.

Just to add, my H left me for OW when my youngest was 6 weeks old. I t was a shock but I got over it. They are still together 3 years later. I think they're happy, we all get on, I never caused any problems because I wanted my children happy and tbh the anger I felt at first was only hurting me, so I learnt to let it go and forgive (for my sake). I'm dating and lonely but would have him back and wish them the best. But for me it was the way they behaved after the breakup. They did an awful thing but respected my feelings after the event. She apologised. It was sincere. I like her, she's great with my boys and acts as peace keeper between ex and I at times. So tbh as OW's she probably had a very easy ride and ended up with her man in the end.

I wasn't lonely last night in fact I had just spent a lovely evening with him which is what triggered it all, why am I continuing on this train wreck ride? (And we both work shifts so being alone even in a relationship is very familiar)
He says such lovely things, helps me with my past and is amazing to my DC that's why I fell for him and he's honest with it that he never expected this to happen and it will only continue for as long as I want it to. I find it difficult to see him as a total shit when he's made his feelings clear all along and I've pursued with it stupidly.

Friendshipsstruggle, I think ow generally get less support on here than women trapped in unhealthy marriages because they are in a situation of their own making, are not really trapped at all and could stop at any time if they wanted to, and show little regard for the potential pain of the innocent parties involved in the situation.

A bit like saying 'I'm plotting to steal someone's job at work but it's not working so I'm sad please comfort me' or 'I'm doing everything I can to break up a friendship but it's taking too long and I feel disappointed can I get a hug'.

Basically the end result they're longing for will result in pain for a lot of innocent people and their future joy is built on at least one family's utter devastation. For many people, it's quite hard to sympathise or understand.

The correct response to a married person coming on to you is revulsion, because they're not a very nice person. It's never too late to find your morals and muster a bit of dignity op, do the right thing now to avoid being party to devastating his wife and children. If there is any truth in his story of a miserable marriage, he'll leave and come for you anyway.

To me your a scum bag the same as him, are you friends with this woman too? I understand those woman who don't realise they are the ow but to start something with someone who's DW has just given birth is appaulling behaviour your a mother so how would you feel if your DC was treated in this way in a vulnerable stage of their life where they have given birth?

My ex had an affair left me for her shortly after DS 1st birthday it didn't last long and I wasn't having him back. The hurt and pain caused was hideous I lost so much weight my home everything.

Just because your ex beat you in front of your children doesn't mean this behaviour is acceptable in activiively engaging with a married man. Many woman are physically abused by their ex's they don't go after other women's husbands.

Of course the MM is a cunt.

Doesn't make the OW any less of a cunt too.

Op, I posted before seeing your update.

This man is an absolute shit and you are being manipulated.

Knowing your history, he also knew you were vulnerable to his love bombing.

He has cruelly worked hard to make himself indispensable to you, all the time knowing you would never have a future together.

Basically he enjoys having someone on the side, with all the excitement that brings, but would drop you like a hot coal and without a backward glance if his wife found out.

Saying it will continue for as long as you want isn't him being kind or honest, it's him telling you that you will never be anything more than a bit on the side so don't bother asking.

And of course he's kind to you and your dc, of course he says all the right things, he doesn't want this convenient relationship to end either.

His poor wife is looking after their new born baby while he looks after your children?

If that isn't a screaming warning I don't know what is?

You are trying to make it not sound as bad by saying you've not had sex yet and it's taken time. I think as the wife I'd feel more hurt by this than a one off quick fumble.

He should be looking after his newborn and wife's emotional needs not yours. He's made his intentions clear so start having a bit more respect for yourself and end it.

How you could involve your own dc into this situation baffles me why would you introduce people especially men into their life's that you know shouldn't be there? They have their own family and children to look after. I've read through this thread and all your replies are selfish and self centred your not even thinking of your own kids you are just fuelling your own ego. It's sounds like you are getting off on the fact that he keeps in contact with you?

OP the positive thing is that this hasn't gone very far it's only emotional you can extract yourself with minimal damage if you come to your senses and act now. I agree that this man has preyed on you at a vulnerable time and is not your friend. Similar happened to me shortly after my divorce from my abusive ex, an old friend got in touch wanting to meet up for dinner and listened to all my woes before moving in on me. He behaved very badly blowing hot and cold and messing me around and I pretty quickly sussed I was the OW to his LTR. At which point I ended it thank god and turned what could have turned into a very ugly situation into something very positive for me. I have since met DP and am very happy with no game playing or drama in my life.

My marriage finally ended after I discovered his affair - which had gone on during my pregnancy and the first months of our baby's life. OW is a mother as well and I think she's a disgusting disgraceful individual who deserves everything she gets as a result of the deception she willingly colluded in. They are still together and he's still a nasty abusive cheating bastard.