Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Cornishclio - I think he's made this decision because the kids are older yes. He doesn't feel like he'd be abandoning them. Just wish he'd given me more warning so we could do this slower.... and not at xmas!

The debts/mortgage would each half the equity, so any where I find would most likely have to be rented. OH wouldn't mind renting I feel, he's not big on house maintenance. I wouldn't be keen renting but wouldn't have a choice as my wage even a full time one probably wouldn't be enough to get a mortgage.
OH has said he doesn't want any equity. He earns about £50k plus any overtime.

He never used to game in the bedroom, it used to be at the dining room table with headphones on. Same thing I guess. He can sit there all day if needed, only taking breaks for toilet/food! It does get lonely.

Can't really say OH was to blame, I don't think he helped (when he could have) but it started with PND that I ignored and PMS takes over, then my Mum died a few yrs ago. It all adds up.

I guess my Dad and sister have seen me before OH was around. I was always shy but did get on with things.

I am talking to my BIL's brother Monday so will see what insights he has regarding his split.
My sister is really being quite good right now, very supportive but also keeping quiet as she'd rip OH a new one if she could! She's a feisty thing!

I still have times when I think this isn't happening.

I've been looking at the divorce thread, do I post separately over there? Not sure what I'd ask that isn't being covered here - you're all very thorough!

Sorry OP but I think you are being shafted by your husband over money. The very fact that he has been handling the bills and kept you in ignorance is a factor, also the fact that his so-called rent has increased. What else has he racked up on the CC that won't show until the next statement when he won't be living there? You need to go to one of those debt management places where they can stop interest or late penalty fees accruing on your CC's.

Have you actually had any contact with the elderly couple he will be renting from? I would be getting their phone number and calling them to verify the rent amount. Strange it will require whatever savings you have to pay the bond.

"You need to stop thinking like the subordinate half of a couple who happen to be living seperately and stay thinking like a single woman and take control of your finances."

This with (new year) bells on!

As I was reading through to catch up I kept thinking YOU'RE thinking like you're still in a partnership with this guy, you're NOT he is NOT your ally/friend. You said you didn't want to fleece him but at this rate it's YOU that's going to get stitched up.

As a pp said YOUR (not your joint your individual) money is going to have to support THREE adults.

Time to knuckle down, stop accepting his procrastination and excuses and get it sorted! For starters your ds is a full time student so exempt from council tax, so I think you'd still get single person discount. Call council today, they'll be shut but there will likely be a recording telling you when they ARE open for you to check. Sky when you're in that much debt is a luxury, switch to freeview/freesat perhaps now tv/Amazon/Netflix as a wee treat extra but sky/virgin are ridiculously expensive. In fact yes to going on mse and reviewing ALL YOUR (again individual, because I'm confident he won't pay towards them for more than a month or 2 especially as seems increasingly likely with his behaviour and eagerness to move out asap) bills.

"You have not been living with in your means before and now you income is going down You need to start making economies now." Yep!

To be perfectly honest, morality aside, if the credit card debts are in his name you're not liable, therefore not your problem.

"The channels we watch aren't on Freeview (have that) but yes we do need to change things around." You're in debt! This is NOT a necessity.

"I do realise it needs to be done just changing my thinking is proving tough." Yes it's tough but being even worse off than you need be would be tougher!

"Plus it will impact DD if he stops paying which I know he won't want to do. " famous last words! Very very few people I know that have been through a split has the non resident parent played fair financially once they're out. I've seen the same spoken of on here.

"He wants to do things in his own time that's the issue we're having." No he can't have it BOTH ways, he wants to move out fast he needs to sort the finances fast!

"Sorry OP but I think you are being shafted by your husband over money" I agree

He's on a bloody good salary, how are you in so much debt? All I can think is expensive house in expensive area. If he's on that kind of money why is he taking all the savings for his deposit/rent - something stinks here!

I don't like cab their info has always been out of date when I've tried to use them. Mse recommend other debt management places that are much more switched on (that solicitor you saw is talking tripe!)

Don't just go on one recommendation for a solicitor. My first one was useless and slow, I asked about and found another who was much more on the ball!

DO NOT agree to ANYTHING regarding major finances especially the house right now until you've had advice, if he tries to get you to say something non committal like 'I'll think about it'

You don't sound very switched on with finances to be honest. Get ALL the paperwork (figuratively speaking I realise much may be online) together and go through it in detail. Do a REALISTIC list of your income and outgoings (if you actually had money left over at the end of the month you wouldn't be in debt) and make cutbacks wherever you can.

I agree re the room, so far you've only got his word for ANY of it!

I repeat he is NOT your friend, it's not in his interests for you to know if he's paying less than he claims for rent, could have got somewhere cheaper/closer to work...is moving in with ow. I'd lay odds the reason he's getting jittery when you ask questions is because lying is stressful and tricky (you have to remember what you said when to who).

You need to STOP seeing him as your husband he's now an ex.

Mse are fabulous, if you go on there with your list of income/outgoings (called an SOA - statement of affairs) NOT including his wage they will give you loads of help.

There's also I think a divorce board on there and they will be really on it about the financial side, plus the main site has loads of articles detailing advice for all kinds of scenarios.

OH has only been on the new higher salary for a few yrs, by that time we were already in a lot of debt.

He's shown me on streetview the house and given me more information. I'll be asking to see the rental agreement when he signs it.

The finances confuse me at times I admit. We have a LOT of outgoings, what with all the bills and credit cards.
The money left at the end of the month is mostly to pay extra off the debt but also to cover things we haven't bargained for. It's not very much at all. The interest we have is the killer.

Oh the house is not up for discussion yet. We won't go there until DD is 18 at least. I will stick to that one!

MSE is great yeah. The debt places sound good and have been things we've filled out online in the past but not gone any further.
We've already decided to cancel sky, and one other bill has been cancelled.

I've ordered a claim form online for tax credits. It confuses me a little as it starts off talking about a partner, which I assume I say no to as he won't be here. yes to children under 20.
I've said yes to working as I will be, 16 hrs worked, but then I get asked about income from 6 apr 2015 - 5 apr 2016 so I leave that blank. Will they think that's weird! Should I say not working and no hours for the other 2 bits?

If I say no to working I won't get tax credits. I know I'll have to ring them but hoping someone might know before I go through that!

It takes practice and research to get your head round some financial stuff.

Can other bills be cut/change suppliers or threaten to, to get a better deal? Good time of year to do that. Good idea to do it regularly anyway.

Govt forms are a NIGHTMARE! I have 2 degrees, have worked in the civil service and I STILL get help with mine. They're designed to confuse. See if there's a debt/money charity near you that will help.

Can you give examples of the 'things we haven't bargained for' ?

very little can't be planned for in terms of everyday expenditure and for most of those there's insurance and if not most people (who can, I'm on a low budget so it's difficult) will put a little aside for emergencies.

You will get there, but it takes time. I just don't want him taking advantage which frankly he seems to be PLUS you will have 3x the costs he will at least!

You start work on Tuesday, is that correct? Send the form in on Tuesday as you will have started work. But as you say you haven't warmth anything so put zero.

There is always another woman. Thats why he wants out. His head has been turned and he has moved on.

Graphista - All the Insurances I go online and sort out the best deals each yr, but other finances, numbers just merge to me! Maths etc. is not my forte.
The other bills we've been careful with but the gas/elec we could probably change/go on different tariff to save, having said that we could be better with our usage, my lot don't do quick showers or turn lights off when they should. That kind of thing! I nag.... without OH and DS (who both use PC's a LOT and DS has long showers!) we will probably cut that but it's not reflected until the yr review. Same with the water. They do that every 6 months/yrly. Not sure how to change that.

The phone we try not to use during the day and only in the evening as we have free weekend/evening calls. I need a mnthyl phone contract so I can have some calls/unlimited texts, be cheaper than my PAYG right now, plus on my own I'll probably make more calls, whereas now all the others have those plans so do that on their phones.

I'm trying to read the gov't stuff but oh boy it's complicated! They never seem to explain it very well so leave me more confused! I will need help with those for sure.

Things not bargained for are anything that breaks, shoes, passports (DD just had her renewal for example), anything really. We have to factor in both MOTS this month (jan), they could either pass or fail with flying colours. My car is old (18!) and could fail on a problem we know about but we'll see....

We have plenty of insurance. After OH being made redundant so many times we've got 2 different insurances for that. (accident/sickness and redundancy - the 1st one is with a fantastic company so don't want to change that but could change the amount covered I suppose). Both were the cheapest but best we could find. We both have life insurance for the life of the mortgage and for the amount we're covered for & what we pay it's a bargain compared to what we'd get now (I've checked that).

We don't plan for everyday expenditure that's the problem! We were supposed to factor in putting money away for the insurance renewals each yr but that hasn't happened. Hopefully this yr we'll get good deals - well I'll try! OH can do his own car insurance!

I don't think he can understand why I'm being so curt with him. He probably can't see it from my side. That's the way it feels anyway. He's the one moving and that's that.

ivykaty44 - Yes Tuesday (eek! ). Thanks.

My BIL's brother is an accountant so I think I'll also ask him Monday when I talk to him and also any other financial stuff, without boring him or going on too much! He might be able to help.

My problem I can't change overnight is I'm not a confrontational person. I hate talking on the phone - which is weird as I use to work in admin (both previous jobs) and had to answer/make calls all the time! If I have to then I write things down to read and make notes!

I am clueless with most things though. Or doubt myself. I need to get past that. If I'm having a confident day I can do things and feel better. Then something happens and I'm back to square one.

NadoligLlawenAmser - strange as it sounds, I'd rather know that. It would make me feel better than him leaving just for the sake of it. I don't think I'd be bothered either! Yes that's weird.

I've always wanted a tattoo. Not a big one, just on my wrist. Think I might actually do that.

I really want to go back to my maiden name.... any one else done that?

You are honestly amazing. It's as if you've been let out of a jar. YES to the tattoo!

Haha! We have a tattoo place in town (at the end of our main road) that's been there a while, so they seem OK might go in and ask for a price! OH never stopped me getting one and said I could, but not I might actually do it. New start.

Honestly, op - it sounds as if he has been fairly useless with money all these years and has refused to listen to you when you've tried to make changes ( yes, you should have been more proactive but I know it's difficult even without depression). I wouldn't be surprised if you don't find your life actually easier without him in it, once you've got over the shock of it all

This guy is playing to a script. It's over, getting a room, etc. You try to appease him. Soon there will be 'someone he just met' or a work colleague he 'was friends with' but now it's something more.

He is not your friend and does not have your best interests in mind.

The sooner you come round to that, the better for you.

I don't completely understand some of your comments about money - am I right in thinking that he is costing you both considerably more by moving out immediately, and things would be easier if he waited slightly longer? If this is the case, you are completely within your rights to put your foot down and tell him that this doesn't suit you.

Also, I'm sure he would prefer to get a nice room in a private house rather than studenty accommodation, but you have massive debts - if he can't afford it then he can't afford it. End of! After all, no one forced him to leave his home and family.

Don't let him make all the decisions and drag you along behind him.

Naicehamshop - if he stayed then his petrol would be about £300 per month as normal (less when using the bike in spring/summer), meaning we'd save £200 from the start, then we could add what I would be earning which could be about £560 per month (£130 per week). I obviously wouldn't claim benefits then. I don't want to but when he moves I will need to.

It is swings and roundabouts, adding in benefits when he moves then yes we'll have more money but that's something I shouldn't have to do.

Naicehamshop - he does dismiss me a bit quickly, kind of like he's right all the time, but I don't stand up for myself like I should. I've been too easy going with decisions like that. I think we'll both enjoy life more to be honest. Not walking on eggshells and can do what we want.

If he decides he has to leave with no regard for any other member of the family or for the timing, he needs to disabuse himself of the idea that he can make choices for himself and these will take priority. If his aim is to leave in 4 weeks and there's no money, he should look for a cheap caravan to buy. I agree, he is incredibly entitled and needs a dose of reality. I am certain OP can deliver this message.

Naicehamshop - I've told him the situation and what I thought would happen but I get dismissed. He wants out and that's that.

I've been looking at the online calculator for our mortgage and if we could extend it from 11 yrs to about 22/23 then I could, with a full time job, actually afford it on my own with bills obviously. Trouble is with the debts that complicates things. Unless OH took the debts and I took the mortgage. Not sure the bank would agree though (when I'm full time).

He obviously hasn't been right all the time though!

Standing up for yourself takes practice. It seems very hard at first, especially if you are non- confrontational by nature, but it does get easier with time. Don't forget - HE has created this situation! If his life becomes less pleasant now ( i.e. studenty accommodation) then that's just tough.

I am genuinely seething on your behalf reading about his attitude to all this!