Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Op, about being a people pleaser. There's an interesting article in The Pool today about it. I'm the same - in fact, I read the article and blushed with recognition. I'm constantly having to stop myself and think 'do I really want to do this' and I'm older than you. I'm sure my first marriage was linked to this..anyway I'm digressing, I'll try and find a link....
Found it! Click here

OP, I think you're being brilliant and I really feel for you.

I would encourage you, once the long weekend is over, to give one of your local FE colleges a ring to discuss the sort of course you might be able to do. Entry requirements can be very different depending on the individual, especially mature students, and there are Access courses you could think about that help people coming back into education with few formal qualifications. In my experience people are always very ready to be helpful on the phone.

The expensive room is very irritating indeed. Is there a shortage of rooms like this? Have you had a look on spareroom.co.uk to see what the going rates are in your area? Either you or he may be being ripped off.

I wish you all the luck in the world in your new life. And I'm a big old feminist.

You haven't mentioned friends yet.
43 is a great age to get out and have some fun.
Sorry if it's superficial but you said you were a jeans and trainers girl but often a nice haircut and few new clothes can really lift you.
Maybe you and dd could have a shopping trip and lunch.

Op you have been given some good advice.
However, i am another one who thinks that your husband has another woman or has someone in mind.

Good luck OP, your OH has done you a big favour by leaving.
You will be a stronger person

You are an amazing uplifting person. Go woman woman go. I suspect that this is going to be the making of you. Think of it as your second phase. First phase was wife and mother and now this second phase is all about you.
Step into the unknown and flourish. To be happy and successful is the best way to stick two fingers up at him.
Good luck may 2017 be your year!

what mydietstartsmonday says.

Regarding your wages - I think you have to stop seeing them as paying for his room and start seeing them as paying towards the mortgage and bills on your house.

You need to get all the bills transferred into your name, deal with CT and claim single persons reduction .

Put in claim for any any benefits you are entitled to.

Depends on where you live there might be EMA or similar for your DD.

Once you have seen a lawyer they wil advise on what to do about the mortgage and deeds on the house.

Just had a heated discussion about the finances and now I feel like crap.

I did however prove my point about one CC that is on a 0% deal and I had told him from the start we weren't paying enough to clear it in the deal term. He has checked and I'm right. I knew that and had told him but he then makes excuses about it.

I don't like doing it in front of the children either. They're old enough but it's still awkward.

TBH I seriously doubt there are many couples who have discussions about finances and feel great afterwards (unless they've won the lottery or just paid off their mortgage) - certainly I don't enjoy those conversations.

Take some comfort in the fact that you've done it, you've started the ball rolling with regards to finances, and you've also made a completely valid point about the CC. Can you go and do something nice, just for you, or with the kids?

Kr1stina yep you are right re: the wages, it's just that extra money he's paying on rent would help with the debts no end. He can't see that. But yes it will help in any way possible and I need to focus on that.
As DS is still registered here but obviously away at Uni how does that work with CT?

We will know a date OH is moving out once he's signed paperwork (should be the 1st feb) so can obviously inform them beforehand.
I do need to see a lawyer. I was reluctant to pay but the 1/2 hr one was useless!

EMA is not for England any more unfortunately.

The benefits online thing confuses me tbh! It asks for last tax yrs earnings and I have none! I am worried about putting in the wrong amounts!

Threesoundslikealot - the room is a private rent in a private home. The ones in his work area were more like student shares (but not students, just random people sharing a house) he was advised against this by a work colleague. It's annoying to me as the original budget he mentioned was about £350 at most, now it's £500 incl. food!, there is petrol to add on as well. He really didn't think this through, that's irritating to me.
I've checked that link and it seems the right amount he's paying. Just wish he'd looked before telling me amounts and making the decision to move out.

Ledkr - Re; friends. I have people I've known through work over the 2 jobs I've done but couldn't call them friends. I do need to reconnect with them but I'm really bad at that. I'd rather stay in, mainly as going out costs money! Maybe having a job will help me feel I actually have something to talk about, whereas now I don't. An old school friend I've kept in contact with has been patient with me and knows I have issues, I need to keep that one going. Maybe go and see them now (they live about 1 1/2 hrs away).

OH and I are more tense now. Me asking him questions all the time is winding him up. I have pointed out to him that he keeps saying 'I' when talking and it involves both of us when dealing with the finances. Every time he goes in his (and DS's) room and shuts the door I feel on the outside.
He says he's doing things but he's putting them off. I'd sit here now and go through them but he's doing other stuff as well.
I want to deal with SKY and other things but...

I've informed my car ins of my new job. £25 for the change (typing on a keyboard!!) and 22p, yes 22p for the change in job status!! Wow. I won't be taking OH off the insurance yet as that'll be another £25 and it's not worth it. Plus the ins is up for renewal in the next couple of months I can do it then. His is up at the end of this month so he can take me off then.

He has yet to fill in his tax return --- the date is looming. He's had it for 6 months!

bloodypassword - I think I'm being more aggressive than normal and that's winding him up.

I will have to go out in a bit to Tesco, that'll get me out of the house! Then later walk the dog, after we've trimmed his paws as he's long haired and it's so wet out there!

I guess I just want to keep momentum up but he sees it as rushing or me bothering him. Fine one to talk! I'm in the zone now!

What do you mean, deal with Sky? As in cancel it? Nothing to stop you calling them is there surely? It does sound as if your OH has been a bit of an ostrich when it comes to finances.

Ha, just seen your last post - I was going to type the exact same thing. He's not used to being questioned and he's rattled. Well, tough sh*t if you'll excuse my frankness. He can't tell you he's going and expect you to roll over and yes 'OK dear'.

bloodypassword - Sky is in his name at the moment. I really want to cancel so we can possibly get a better deal, as DD and I both watch it. We pay over the odds now and have the prehistoric box too!

Keep going. You've got fire in your belly now and that will make sure you don't get a raw deal. He cant have it his way all the time.

Go to Tesco, sort the dog and ring sky

Shouldn't matter if its in his name - surely? You're both paying. Don't take any nonsense from them (sky) and ask for a better deal or you'll cancel. Should work.

Have you checked out Martin Lewis' money saving expert page? Full of good advice.

OP, get a Now Box. You can watch Sky stuff on it and it costs a fraction of a Sky subscription and no contract either.

This will be your year OP. He's probably wondering why you're suddenly getting on with it and embracing his decision. He sounds like a deadweight who has held you back for years. I'm excited for you. He's made his decision and he's going in a hurry - his choice. That means things need to be sorted - he will have to get his finger out. He hoped to just leave you to deal with all the fallout while he went off for his fresh start. Good for you, forcing him to engage in what has to be done.

No one enjoys talking about money. And of course things are more tense now because you are not doing exactly as he wants . But that's what you've been doing for 20years and look where that's got you .

Most people don't Argue about money in front of the children.

You need to get things in your name so you can deal with it e.g. Sky. Why don't you get rid and get a freeview box, you need to economise to pay the debts?

His tax return isn't your problem.

Well of course you can't run two households as cheaply as one, everyone knows that. But that's not his problem , he's walking out on you, the kids, the dog, the house and the debts. Of course he doesn't want to talk about it.

I know he says he will pay the mortgage but you need to be prepared for the possibility that he will stop doing that very soon.

The "cheap little room near work " has already turned into the expensive room far from work that puts up the petrol bills. Soon he will find additional costs and be short for this month but will pay you next month . Etc etc

You need to stop thinking like the subordinate half of a couple who happen to be living seperately and stay thinking like a single woman and take control of your finances.

Have you had advice about the credit card debt which you describe as joint but say is in his sole name ?

You have not been living with in your means before and now you income is going down. You need to start making economies now.

So both your kids have part time jobs? If not they need to get them.

And I'd skip Tesco if I were you and shop at Aldi or Lidl

He's irritated because you are showing him it's not all about him and that you have a say in your future as well.
He was planning to tell you how things were going to be and that you would just accept it.
Well done you!

Lots of couples seem to separate as the kids get older so I have seen this in family and friends a lot lately. My BIL decided this year he no longer wanted to be with my sister so they split. Her kids are 23 and 19.

Positives are you have a job which will help with your self esteem although having £42k of credit card is a bit of an issue. If you sold the house, cleared the debt and came to an amicable arrangement re equity could you both find somewhere to live? You presumably still will need bedrooms for DS and DD for when your DS is back from uni. He will just need one bed flat. At your kids age he does not need bedrooms for them.

If you are starting to take control maybe your dad and sister are right and this will be the making of you. You are only 43 so you still have a lot of living to do and maybe he was behind some of your depression. Gaming on his own in a bedroom does not sound as if he was much of a companion for you. I would not bother with Ou training. Very expensive and you need to be earning.

Get yourself a lawyer! He's kicking you when you're down and making it out to be YOUR fault. Bleed the Bstd dry and slap his 'bit on the side'.
Men who'd have them!

Kr1stina - True, money is a touchy subject at the best of times.

It wasn't so much an argument as a heated discussion but yes it was wrong. Trouble is DS is in his room pretty much all the time and OH is in there too with his PC.
We're making a list then dealing with them re: in my name.

The channels we watch aren't on Freeview (have that) but yes we do need to change things around.

Well yes I understand the tax return isn't directly my problem but if he doesn't do it/do it right it'll screw with the finances.

I do believe he will pay the bills/mortgage. But yes I will be on my guard. Taking control after 20 yrs of joint is difficult, even more so as he's still here. I do realise it needs to be done just changing my thinking is proving tough. Plus it will impact DD if he stops paying which I know he won't want to do.
He wants to do things in his own time that's the issue we're having.

The solicitor I saw said even though most of the cards are in his name it's seen as joint as it's was built up during the marriage by both of us. I haven't had any advice as yet no. Is CAB better for that?

I want to budget and keep on about it, but he's always 'oh there's £100-something in the account' after doing the monthly bills. He doesn't think exact figures help. I keep track of the food budget by taking the amount at the beginning and just writing it down each time I do a shop, I never check the account until the very end as nothing else should go out - we put money into my account for that.

The kids and jobs is a tetchy subject! DS has been moaned at since he was 16 but never had one. DD knows she needs one and has said she wants one but as yet nothing has happened. We need to print out her CV and go around the local shops. She is shy but she knows she has to get one. DS should be doing a summer placement at OH's work - IF he passes the interview.

I've tried Lidl and for what we buy it wasn't actually cheaper! I'm pretty good with that, I do it online for collection so can see exactly what I'm spending and can take/add stuff when needed. Once OH moves out we will cut down quite a lot to be honest. And if I only have a set amount each week I stay within that. With DS going back to Uni and DD at college pretty much all day all week she's not snacking as much as she used to.