Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Op, I have recently separated from my H of 20 years, fairly amicably. We are still sorting through the finances (I worked since the DC were 3 so different circumstances). What I really wanted to stress to you is that the feeling of not being in a loveless, uncommunicative, unhappy marriage is so incredibly liberating and empowering. This is early days for you, but like other posters have said, try to focus on the positives down the line. It is going to be hard, but there will be a time when you will realise you have strength and resilience more than you ever knew. Good luck!

Shared ownership is well worth looking into - my brother has just bought a shared ownership 2 bedroom house in the SE where he is buying 75% and paying rent on the other 25%. (I think he could have actually bought less; even as little as 25% but not sure of exact figures )

It's worth looking into; he now has a nice little house and could never have afforded to buy in SE otherwise.

With your "d"h just reply "Sorry - that doesn't suit me ". Leave him to stew on it.

Thank you for all your advice on this thread.
I know in the long run it will work out but navigating stuff to get there when your OH is determined to do it one way (HIS way) is what's going to be tough.
I know I need to spend the savings I've built up on a solicitor. I don't feel comfortable doing that as I know I will need a different car (or to keep my one going at least) plus I won't have disposable income like OH will. He sees this as so easy. He will have the decent income after this is done. if I pay my share of the bills even now I'll be down to zero every month whereas he'll be up quite a fair chunk.

I need to stay in the home for at least a yr (until DD is 18) - I can't afford anything else at all right now. I can't believe OH is willing to let his daughter and son (when home) just live wherever - which could be a grotty flat somewhere. He found out the house valuation, which I asked DD about this morning and she doesn't think she told him, but if it was 'in conversation' then it's the only explanation. Can't believe he'd ply her for information. That sort of thing doesn't just 'come up'. I suppose we have different views on this.

I may have to make the tough decision about the dog but I will try my hardest to keep him, although it will be difficult, not just looking after him but the costs associated. If I can't afford him then I have no choice. I can't believe OH can just discard him like this. Not wanting to see him is one thing but to see him packed off somewhere else because it's not convenient for OH is another matter. We bought him as a family. I'm disgusted with that.

Re; the divorce. I have no problem doing that, if was coming eventually, but I thought OH would at least want to discuss it so we could keep it amicable and agree what to say so as to not upset each other unnecessarily. And what's the rush??

I am trying not to panic but it's not working very well. I've applied for 2 jobs (both last night) and will keep working on it. Both jobs are part time during the day and I could (just) get away with leaving the dog for those hours. Just. If more hours come up at the evening job I would jump on them. If one of the guys leaves I could possibly take his other evening (one I have off). It's a long shot.

Trouble is, OH doesn't want to 'sort' through the finances. He wants what he wants. He hasn't mentioned pensions, maintenance for either DD (if we sell before she's 18) or spousal maintenance (long shot) for me. It's just a clear cut case for him.

tbh Naicehamshop I have no idea what shared ownership en-tales (apart from the you buy a lump sum and pay rent on the rest) but it is something I will have to look into if possible. I know I have seen some in the area.

I'm pissed that OH isn't even taking DD or DS's feelings into account re: moving. This is their home, the area is where their friends live. I know DD will maybe go to Uni but that's not certain yet. DS comes back for summer and his friends are here. They may be adults/nearly adults but you don't just stop being responsible for them. These days they don't leave home at 18 or even 20.

OH even had the cheek to mention in his email that he will keep paying the monthly amount into the joint account (otherwise it will f*ck up his credit score - my words there not his) but he won't pay over for any 'extra' usage (than the norm) on the gas/elec/phone/water etc... Bloody cheek! I've sat here in the middle of winter trying to save money by not turning the heating on - so much so that my hands have even turned blue! I've moaned at people leaving lights on (OH is guilty of that). And he has the cheek to say that to me?!!

The bike is still sitting in the garage. A huge lump of no good metal right now. Won't run.
God knows where OH is getting the money from to pay for a divorce. He must be raking in the overtime. Which he did say he could do as he was living closer. Plus he has no responsibilities apart from work now. He can do what he wants.

I am talking to my brother at the moment about shared ownership.

Apparently, with all new developments at least one third of houses have to be designated as affordable housing. Some of these will be shared ownership. You need to have a local connection - either living or working in the area for a certain length of time.

You should contact your local authority, any local housing associations, or any local developers to find out about properties, then you will go ahead with the housing association. My brother says they move quite slowly, but the property he has is really nice and VERY cheap for the area so it's well worth persuing.

As regards your exh - remember that "no" is a complete sentence!

Thanks for the info Naicehamshop. There are a couple of nice ones locally but obviously not in the position to do anything about them right now. I think it scares me that when the time comes there won't be anything suitable and I'll have to take the 1st thing that comes to hand. I don't want to make a mistake.

I've worked out, after calculations, that to stay here (as is) it would cost about £1500 per month! I could never hope to earn that much! (that's including everything but not any surprises that inevitably crop up). That's with the existing mortgage as is. That's nearly £700 per month on it's own, with 11 yrs to run. Even if I could take it to 20 yrs I don't think I'd get a mortgage for the amount left.
Ideally I'd like a full time day job with the evening job still in p lace. But the problem is most day jobs finish at 5pm and I start at 6pm. If it's not very local that will cause traffic problems.

OH, I've noticed, isn't taking into account any moving/buying/selling costs. That could eat away another £5-£10K of 'our' equity.

Can I just check - when you say " my share of the bills " , do you mean 1/4, as presumably STBXH pays 3/4, one quarter for him and half for the kids ?

And how much does you ex pay towards the dog ?

Did you lawyer really say that spousal maintenance was a long shot for you ?

I think you need to forget having an " amicable divorce " , because you seem to mean " giving H everything he wants and not using a lawyer " . That's not a smart way to go.

And you don't know how much it wil cost to stay in the house because you don't know what share of the equity and what proportion of the debts you would be awarded . Or the value of 'his pension and your share.

Hi
I guess when I say my share I mean half. Which wouldn't work even if that was the case, as he'd have extra cash and I'd be screwed. But I get what you mean.

He pays the insurance at the moment for the dog. We have all the flea stuff for the next yr and the last lot of food (3 months worth) I paid for out of the savings before we split them.

I guess I'm not holding out hope for the spousal maintenance so that if I did get it it would be a good thing. She didn't say it was a long shot no, she was convinced I'd get it I think, but at this point I have no real idea what I should go for or what I'd get.

Well, to stay in the house I'd need to first pay of the debts - £42k's worth (£15k in my name) - which could be done if my Dad could help when he moves/downsizes (but he needs to sort himself first, I've made that clear). Can't rely on that though. OH doesn't (I hope) know my Dad is moving yet.

Then I'd need to sort out the mortgage, which if I am on 2 jobs totalling £13k (before tax) I doubt I'd get one (a full time one alone would be about £14-15k). Mortgage left is only about £82k (should keep going down the longer I can stall OH selling it) over 11 yrs. But yes I need to see the solicitor, which I will be sorting out on Monday, to get a better idea of what I can get and do. It's got to the crunch point now. OH has laid down what he wants and I need to (with the help of my family!) work out what I can get . I accept I need to go the legal route and keep it that way.

I have come to the realisation that selling could be the only option but it's the buying somewhere that is the issue. I have no issue starting again in a home of my own. IF it's the only way to do it. The shared ownership that was mentioned is a possibility - more so than renting - but few and far between it seems round here.

I have decided that once the divorce is final I will go back to my maiden name though. Won't be a sad loss for me tbh. Doubt the kids will care either. I won't be Mrs Itsovernow1 any more so why call myself that?!

You shouldn't be paying half when they are his kids too. Why would you agreee that you are the only parent supporting the kids ?

Oh I agree and I haven't agreed anything specific yet. I just said when I could I would pay my share.
I will be talking to the solicitor before answering him, I've made that clear.

Just a thought, when I divorced my parents wanted to help me with the much bigger mortgage I was going to have to pay on my own. My solicitor advised them not to "muddy the waters" until after the divorce was through in case Ex took it into account when suggesting stuff. I took out the biggest mortgage I could on my salary and paid it until well after the decree absolute was through - and then they gave me a sum to reduce it a bit (which I was grateful for). I don't think he knows this. I do know however that his mother gave him some money to start again with which he never told me about.

Your OP is really annoying me. Have you actually asked him what sort of property he thinks you can buy with £114K, and how much he thinks you are going to be able to earn - after NOT earning for so many years allowing him to increase his earning potential (to the detriment of yours) and saving him a fortune in childcare/housekeeping? Ask him how big a mortgage you will be able to have on £13K and how much he thinks you will have left over to live on - compared with how much HE will have and ask him if he thinks it is fair?

kaitlinktm - Yep the solicitor suggested not mentioning the money until we needed to (if OH would do a deal) or not at all until it's done.

I haven't asked OH what he thinks I can buy (to accommodate 2/3 people) yet no, but I will in the future. This is the man who thought our house was worth £60k less than the official valuation though. He said he'd looked online to get his valuation - when I did the same and my one was pretty much spot on with the estate agent. If he can find a decent place (that isn't a hovel) for us for £114k then he's a better person than me.

Once we sell he'll be sitting pretty with his £50K (plus OT) salary. Not to mention he could be getting a (small) pay rise in April. Not to mention he could be getting a bonus next month. (wait, maybe that's how he's paying for the divorce. I just thought of that.). His life will be pretty darn perfect living the single life, decent mortgage, nice car on finance. No kids or dog to get under his feet. Makes me mad that I put up with crap and so many redundancies (at least 7) for so long.

Do you mean that he was made redundant seven time Over?

Yep, possibly 8, you lose count after a while! This is the best and longest job he's had (more security than the rest as well). He's always had luck finding jobs and only had to sign on once, for 2 months, many years ago. Finally, when we could actually move forward and get somewhere he decides to end it.

I know my answers about the redundancies seem cold and I know he had tough times each time, but we all did. The last 2 long term jobs (out of 15? 16? again you lose count!) he's had he left of his own accord as he was bored and there were no prospects to move up in the companies. So it hasn't all been doom and gloom. It's been getting better as time has gone on. I can understand why he wants to enjoy it.

Well in that case Over, although of course you won't see it this way yet, maybe it is better you are separating finances. It is so worrying to have to depend on someone who will just give up a job as he doesn't like it without another job to go to - this has happened to me to with ex, as well as him being "let go" on several occasions. Of course I defended him at the time, but really, there must have been a reason incompetence.

Perhaps it is a reason too for settling financial stuff now before he gets fed up with this job, jacks it in and then can't pay any maintenance. He might not always be so lucky in getting new jobs in the future.

Also, are you sure he was made redundant all those time and not just let go? I only ask because the third time it happened to Ex we just told family he had been made redundant to save the inquisition.

16 jobs in 20 years is a lot. Unless he's in a job like a chef where they move jobs all the time.

Or they are all short term contracts .

I also don't understand how he had redundancy rights when he was in each job for such a short time.

Are you sure he wasn't fired ?

Well it's Sunday.
I would say Mothers day but in my house it's just a normal day. I did tell DD not to buy me anything mainly as I see it as pointless now. It's never been a day we celebrate (where I get pampered) so why bother? Plus it's expensive. She did say last night she lives in the same house so can say Happy mothers Day. As yet that hasn't happened. Which has disappointed me but not surprised me. DS sent me a text at midday to say Happy Mothers Day, although I am disappointed he didn't send a card. Although he didn't send one for his Dad's bday a few months ago either so.... not a surprise. (Dad wasn't bothered whereas I was, but there you go).

Well, the redundancies: some were because he was last in, some were because the company failed and others I don't know. He seems happy with this last one and is content to stay there, even telling me he enjoys it. The commute pissed him off - hence the motorbike to ease that issue, but it obviously didn't make any difference to his feelings on our marriage.

Kr1stina - yes it is a lot over about 23 yrs since we met. His CV is huge.

The redundancy rights, not sure, but most of the time he was let go and left the same day. There was one time he came home early and wouldn't get out of the car. After a while you recognise the signs. £60 a month goes on insurance for all the scenarios should he lose his job again.

My head is still spinning. I have read his email a few more times and it doesn't really say anything different, if I'm honest, to the last one. He still wants what he wants and to hell with everyone/everything else. Everything I said in my email hasn't been listened to or even compromised on - at all.

I feel, for want of a better word - bullied - right now. Like if I don't agree to his terms he'll make things as difficult as possible. Also rushed. Waiting until DD is 18 is a while off, I agree with him there, but again this was his decision, and his decision to leave the house. It's not my fault he didn't think this through and wants to rush everything.

I won't hide the fact that OH is making us move if it comes to it and I have to tell DD we're house hunting. I won't try to turn her against him but she's old enough to know the truth, as is DS. OH has the right to end our marriage but the way he's carrying on about the house/debts is pathetic. No compromise at all.

I just can't believe he sees this as so cut and dried. Divorce, sell house, clear debts and bam! Everything is fine and dandy. 23 yrs done and dusted. That hurts actually. Yeah he wants it done but the way he's acting is just so robotic.

My dad has made a good suggestion actually. Waiting until OH's solicitor has contacted me (about the divorce, not sure about anything else) then go see my one. I'll give it 2 weeks then see mine regardless as I need to know things. But no point in seeing mine then getting the stuff from OH's one, have to pay for 2 appointments if I don't have to. I will email a copy of OH's email to my SOL so she can file it though.

I've made a decision. I won't be contacting OH's parents at all. No cards, nothing. I've told OH this and asked him to explain why to them and to thank them for everything they've done over the yrs for me (us). I will make sure the kids still keep up with them. That's important. Although they're teenagers and they will do what they want!

I don't like uncertainty. Or change. Never have. I panic. OH knows this. OH doesn't give a sh*t. As usual. I know I won't be homeless if it comes to it, my family have made sure I know that, but reality is different and I already feel I've monopolised their lives a little to much. They have their own issues to deal with. As we all do.
My dad is selling his house - at some point in the next few months, I was going to suggest we pool our money and buy a big place where we can have our own space (separate living areas etc..) but feel that's going a little far!

OP, sorry, but you are going to need to see a solicitor more than twice. You are still letting your husband take the initiative by waiting until you hear from his solicitor. Trying to scrimp on legal fees probably won't do you any favours long term.

Oh, yeah, I know I will need quite a few visits to my SOL. (I can hear cash flowing out of my account as we speak). But until I hear from his SOL I won't know what the heck he's doing divorce wise so I'd rather wait then I will have more information to hand.

Like I said, his email this time didn't actually tell me anything different to his previous one. Why it took him so long is beyond me. He can wait for me this time. I will give it 2 weeks and then see my SOL regardless.