Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Nothing wrong with thinking - I do lots of that, fortunately non of it gets past the thought stage

NHS Tax credit exemption - use it for free prescriptions and if you have an NHS dentist it's free. It all adds up!

Hope the PMS doesn't last too long and next week brings you someting to smile about

OP is your solicitor going for a maintenance order? Or half his pension? I think what you're doing is amazing in terms of new jobs and planning. But you gave the family 19 years of support, and even working two jobs, you're not making anything like he is. I hope now you're coming to terms with the shock of it all, the anger can kick in, and the will to fight for a fair monetary recognition of your contribution will kick in. As you say he can get a £200k mortgage. You can't. He wanted this, you didn't.

Don't write off ever meeting anyone again either. It's not a priority now (and rebound would not ideal) but you never know about the future.

Keep going, you're doing amazingly

Re: the motorbike. More hassle than it will be worth. It won't run at the moment, he knows what's wrong with it but would need to spend a bit of time here to fix it - which we both know is not a good idea. It will cost about £150 to get someone to pick it up - that's not including the cost to get it fixed, which I assuming he will do himself.
That's part of the reason I miss him tbh. He's very good at fixing things like that. Not so much the DIY side but anything mechanical/electrical etc...

Trouble is my thinking doesn't end well. I tend to think of the negative. I can start positive but then it edges over to the dark side.

I have sent of the form to get my dentist fee back from our appointment a few weeks ago. And will use the card next time I go. So that means at least the next 3 times me and DD go neither of us will pay. Plus any other treatment, but I'm not planning on that (had enough the past 3 yrs to last me a lifetime!). Prescriptions I don't really need and again i don't plan on needing them for the foreseeable future! At the moment every little saving helps.

Weather is lovely out there. Washed DD's old pillow and was wishing I hadn't, but it's looking better now it's drying! That was part of what we bought on Sat's shopping trip, new pillows as the old ones were, how shall I say, very yucky! She wants to keep the old one to replace the 2nd pillow she uses. I will work up to using my new pillow as I'm very picky with that stuff! But it's ready and waiting to change. Also bought DD a new duvet set, so she has 2. I was going to buy one for my bed but decided we'd spent enough.

We actually had lunch out on Sat. Only a baguette type thing but it's something we never usually did with OH. It won't be a habit as it's expensive but a treat never hurts.

My PMS starts nearly 2 weeks ahead of the pain in the month and disappears pretty much the day it starts. It's gone now. I'm thinking normal thoughts again which is nice. (well as normal as I can get)

icy121 - at the moment I'm not using the solicitor for anything. It's way too expensive. I might have to once I know what OH is planning, as he hasn't replied to my email stating what I wanted to do yet. I will be leaving his pension alone if it means more equity, that's more important to think about I feel. But if he makes it difficult I will consider it. Maintenance order was mentioned yes. Not sure about that yet.

I'll be more concerned about how I will support DD (and DS if he comes back full time) and how we work out cost for that. OH surely has to contribute to that. Can't expect me to feed and clothe them on my own. Although hopefully by then DD and DS should be buying clothes themselves (and DD does that now), household bills and food are an issue. If we were still together (OH and me) we support them so being apart shouldn't be any different IMO.

Meeting someone else won't happen. I can guarantee that! I'm not outgoing and meeting OH was through work. I think we were just both in the right place at the right time and the same situation. I'm too picky, I rant a lot, my PMS isn't ideal, and I'm a tomboy. Always have been. Wouldn't feel confident about meeting someone again. Doesn't bother me normally, but when couples are everywhere you can't ignore it!

You Need an official valuation of his pension and to understand what it's worth BEFORE you make any decisions about Leaving it alone.

And I don't mean asking your ex how much is in it. Or even looking at the last statement yourself.

Pensions are complicated and it's hard for people who don't know about them ( like me ) to make a true assessment of their value.

Don't let your ex take the initiative with financial matters. Tell him what you want, don't accept what he is prepared to give. As Kr1stina has said you need to know how much the pension is worth. You could live a long time and haven't been in a position to build up a pension yourself I suspect. A solicitor now might save you lots of money in the long term.

I agree with &Procrastinator1 - don't let him lead the negotiation. If you can't afford a solicitor yourself you may be able to get him to pay for it - if it went as far as court you'd perhaps be awarded costs. I would not be going into this without legal representation. As per above, a solicitor now may save you a lot in the long run.

He will need to fill in forms disclosing everything, as will you. Have you looked at the Form E and had a think about your requirements? To be honest as your kids are over 18 there will be much less emphasis on your being able to house them. However YOUR needs should be considered. After a long marriage where you've supported him by raising the kids etc, it would not be fair or equitable for the two of you to end up in vastly different circumstances, and I doubt a court would allow that to happen. Given your limited earning capacity vs his, there may be a lesser equity split now and a life order including pension - - which might be the better outcome for you over the long term. Whilst the courts (ostensibly) prefer a full and final, the fact you can't get as big a mortgage as him, you don't necessarily have your own pension provision and your earning capacity and potential capacity is far less may mean that to achieve something more equitable over the long term, you should go down a life order route.

The fact he's already changing his tune on the equity split sounds alarm bells.

I am so f*cking pissed off it's not true. Checked the bank account and yet again, he paid for taking DD out from the joint account. Even if I mention it to him he'll still keep doing it. Bloody cheek. I knew he'd do that. I was hoping he'd prove me wrong. I have no clue how much money has takes home at the moment, he's probably doing much more overtime than he did before (as he's closer and can work Sat mornings if wants to). But he surely has enough to a bloody coffee and snack for DD! FFS.

Tbh I go through stages where anything I want for the future is so far off what I am going to get it just makes me upset and angry and I think 'what's the point'?
HE made this decision and HE will be forcing me to sell my home. It's not his home. He already said he doesn't have that connection to it. He doesn't seem to have connections to anything actually. There's no sentimentality with him. For anything. They're things.

I know once the kids are over 18 it's not as important as if they were under, but where are they supposed to go?? If we were still a couple they'd be staying here until they could afford to leave. He can't just expect all of us to live in a one bedroom flat. That's not even feasible. Trouble is, any equity left will have some cash eaten up by the selling/buying and moving fees. But to him that will be worth it to start HIS new life.

He thinks it'll be simple - I get my share of equity and a small mortgage. I don't think he's even done any homework on that situation. I want to make more money working and will look later in the yr but he must know I won't make enough to get a decent place locally. Meaning DD will have to leave her friends (I don't really have any and can easily drive). If she doesn't go to Uni that is. Still up in the air on that one. I do not want to force her into a decision.

Yes I'm mad right now. Venting!

I would be livid with him, but why do you still have a joint account? It seems like you really just can't trust him with money!

How much is in the joint account? Does he still put money in it? I really wish you would see a solicitor (some can offer payment plans) and take the reins on this. I'm just worried that he's going to screw you over.

We still have the joint account because it's easier for both of us. We have a lot of payments going out, including the credit cards. It's in his interest as well as mine to keep transferring the money in each month, yes it'll affect me if he stops paying but as the cards and most of the bills are still in his name it'll affect him just as much. Which is something he doesn't want as he wants to clear the debts/mortgage and eventually make a clean start. Can't do that with a crap credit rating very easily.

He obviously thinks taking DD out shouldn't come out of his money. That's more my gripe actually. Next month he's taking both DD and DS to his parents for the afternoon so shouldn't need to spend anything.

Why don't you use the joint account to fund stuff for your DD as well then? He can't query it without being massively unreasonable.

Haha! I've thought of that. He is paying all the bills/debts though so on that front he's being reasonable. I wouldn't feel right using it for DD, but that's probably just me and my conscience.

What's good for the goose.... seriously though, your DD is a joint-cost, since you're both her parents; he clearly sees it as such so should you.

How's it going, op?
I hope you are having a good week.

The old saying, if you have nothing nice to say..... and I don't have anything nice right now.

Can't seem to get motivated these days. I am fixated on the problems rather than solutions. More on the what if's than waiting to see what will happen. Can't help it. OH still hasn't responded to my previous email and tbh I don't think he realises what this wait is doing to me. I hate it. I can't think of anything else.

Night off tomorrow, more so because I had to book holiday and I randomly booked stuff. Staff have to book a certain % by a certain date to guarantee it. Although I don't think my boss would have an issue with randomly booking stuff as we go. I booked random dates and tbh I don't need tomorrow night off. I have nothing to do. I'd quite happily go to work. I was going to paint the kitchen but really can't be bothered. What's the point? I'd spend money I don't really have doing something which won't add value and will piss me off while doing it.
I do concede I need to paint the lounge/dining/upstairs (open plan living has it's downsides) as it's really tired looking and could make a difference. Looking at it every day makes me see every mark on the walls. But that again is a task as we have so much stuff and the dog needs to go to daycare for a few days while I do it.
That's another thing I keep going round and round with. A dog walker or day care. For when I go to work full time/day part time or just need a day for something. It's all on my shoulders and I really hate it. I didn't sign up for this as such. OH walks away and does what he wants when he wants. f*cking pratt. I will never forgive him for this situation.

Frustrated with the dog. Not his fault, it is totally our faults (mine and OH). He can't go off lead as his recall is pretty ropey but I'd love to see him just running around. Can't risk it though, other things are more interesting, specially other dogs. Then the car sickness. I'd love to just pack him in the car and go places but it's such a saga. Another thing I wanted to deal with but OH couldn't be arsed (not a quick fix). Dog only likes OH's car as my car's suspension is way too soft and makes his sickness worse. Guess that's something he'll have to get used to.

God - your oh has just let all responsibility slide off him, hasn't he?

Can you contact him and tell him that you NEED a reply to your email? Get angry - you would be well within your rights to be furious.

He thinks it's simple. Or he's giving the impression he thinks it is. Divorce, split equity, pay debts then ta da - all done.

I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing that it's bothering me at this point, I kept him waiting so he's doing the same to me. Even if I ask him to reply he'll just tell me he needs more time to sort it out. He did that before, he'll do it again. He does things in his own time. Trouble is, emotionally, he's probably where I should be in 5 yrs.

What's the etiquette with in-laws? It's my FIL's b/day in a couple of weeks - the kids will send a card but do I ?? They're not horrible people and have always helped in the past - do I go cold-turkey with everything? I have no grudge with them but not sure what to do.

They are people who (I presume) have been in your life for a long time, so if you have no grudge with them then I would continue to stay in touch.

Yeah, 23 yrs. I'll send a basic birthday card, keep it simple.

Well, OH has finally spoken. To ruin my weekend.

Basically nothing has changed since he last spoke.
He won't see the dog because he doesn't think it's fair on him. Which is true. The dog gets excited and if OH can't commit to regular contact it's better not to. He also said I should consider what happens to the dog long term. Meaning I should consider rehoming him if neither of us can look after him when I have full time work.

When I move full time I would be expected to pick up my share of the household bills. Which I already stated I would.

Credit cards won't be moved around to try to get better interest deals etc.. He sees them as 'frozen' and not for use. (which is a lie as he used his for his car insurance the day he moved out).

He still wants to sell the house- to clear the debts. He would expect his share of the equity ( so he's changed his mind twice now) and says the courts wouldn't not give him anything.
Selling gives me a substantial amount of money to buy a place to live with a mortgage I can afford. (um, no it doesn't....)
He doesn't see my timescale of a yr/18 mths as acceptable. He wants it sorted so we can live independently and move on.

Re: divorce.
"As of Wednesday I will have opened a file with my solicitor and start proceedings. ... so it's only fair to warn you that this is happening."
Thanks for the warning.

So that's that in a nutshell. He wants to move on and stuff any one else. He thinks it's reasonable. i would get about £114k to buy a place for my and my DD (and DS) to live. That's not even possible.

I really am numb now. I don't know what to do. He knows full well I can't afford a solicitor. He knows I can't take on the house with whatever wage I get in the future.
I didn't think he was like this.

Tell him how furious you are. Tell him he is letting his children down badly. Get a free half hour of legal advice and tell him you are seeing a solicitor and to prepare himself for the avalanche of shit that is coming his way. Find your anger! He cannot make unilateral decisions like this!

Pay for a solicitor out of the joint account.

right now I'm just numb tbh. I need to think.

I am yet again worried about finding work. I will apply for some tomorrow. I want to keep the evening job as I've just found my feet so to speak, there are a couple that I could try for, part time during the day, both previous ones I've gone for, that have come around again.

I am angry. but the cost of a solicitor will wipe out any cash I have saved for a rainy day and/or a car. I know it's necessary now but it scares the crap out of me. I can't think straight right now. Too many things going round. Again.
Selling the house is the crux of the issue. I can't afford to take it on or anywhere else. He has to know that. A quick sale will solve HIS problems.

I should go to bed but I'm just thinking.. non stop now. Why he thought sending that at 9pm on a friday night was a good idea I don't know.

I should go to bed.

I think OH assumes that I will get rid of the dog. Get a job earning over 20k and have enough for a mortgage. Sadly it won't work like that. The dog isn't easily given up. I already brought that up with DD, he may have to go back to the breeder and her face said it all. I have struggled with it and not sure I could just hand him back.
OH assumes I've been looking at properties etc... and he's right. I have. All out of my league, even if we go further afield to the next town. £114k won't buy anything big enough for 2 people let alone 3. With 2 part time jobs or 1 full time one earning about £13k a mortgage isn't even possible! It's to low.
He doesn't seem bothered that DD will be caused upheaval. He expects her to be OK with her parents getting a divorce, moving house and getting rid of the dog all within the next yr.

I don't care about the divorce side. He can do that and pay, just hope he doesn't expect me to. Guess that means he's doing the blaming as well. Without even talking to me. Nice.
I need to go to bed.

Hi OP,

Just take things slowly you have a lot going on. I would recommend you speak to a financial adviser re mortgage options! I'm an ex advisor and about to go back into advising but not re authorised yet but I know that If I were authorised I could help you navigate this and have done so in the past. There are options that my friend has just considered like shared ownership. www.helptobuy.gov.uk/shared-ownership/ Good luck