Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Exciting stuff.
I hope Monday goes well.
Sounds perfect so fingers crossed for you!

I know that if I do get it (big if) I'll then panic about the tax credits and tax situation! I know both jobs would take me over the personal allowance so I'll get taxed just not sure how much or on what job. It would take me over by about £1200 for the yr (depending on any OT for evening job).

I'm just so angry at OH right now. He has the comfortable job and knows that whatever I earn won't be enough to cover this mortgage as it stands. He doesn't seem to give a shit what happens to us after we sell (if we sell). He just wants rid of the debts and a new life. So many variables between now and then. I know life is full of unknowns but I hate that this has been thrust upon us. He didn't even want to try to solve things. He knows he's being selfish as he said so in his first couple of emails. Doesn't help me does it!

breathe

I think you are being amazingly positive. You've alrdeay got one new job which you are doing well at and now you have an interview for another.

You are doing car maintenance and planning decorating work on the house. Most women in your situation would be hiding under the duvet watching day time TV with a gin bottle on one hand and a box of tissues in the other.

You are a very strong woman.

So you WONT get into a panic about tax credits, you will stay calm and get advice. You are not the first person to have two PT jobs and there will be an answer to your question.

And I'm DELIGHTED to hear that you are angry at your ex , because you should be. I wonder if you will now reconsider your stance to agree to take on half the debt that he took out in his name, as that is jeopardising York ability to keep a home for you and the children .

He wasted family money on things for himself , like a motorbike he didn't need. And then borrowed money to pay for family things. That doesn't make it your debt. I think you need to stop being nice to him because he sure as hell isnt being reasonable to you. Just don't tell him yet .

I agree with Kr1stina. What a waste of space he is.

And well done to you for getting the job interview.

Ah well, had the interview, got a call back just now and didn't get the job. The lady they offered it to was already a cleaner so.... she did mention another job (a lot) further away, which at the moment isn't really suitable.
Had a gut feeling they wanted someone with cleaning experience but there you go. Think I'll just hold back for now. Stop looking and enjoy what's going on. Or try. It's difficult right now.

Whichever way I try to work the figures even with this job taking over the mortgage here wouldn't be possible. I am having trouble seeing a way out here. Have to admit. OH holds all the cards. For his salary he can get a damn decent mortgage (using various bank calculators online) of over £200,000 and I'm here worrying about money. That's not even including any over-time he does! I have to earn at least £15k to get a £30k mortgage over 20 yrs! That's not even a guarantee for all banks etc.

Sorry about the job, you're probably right and they wanted someone with cleaning experience.

About the house - you are right. That's why you need more that half the equity and less than half of the debt. Your earning capacity has been adversely affected by all the childcare and housework you have done for years .

While his earning capacity has been INCREASED by your work. That's why a 50:50 split isn't fair - it takes no account of your earning capacity.

So that's why you need a lawyer who will fight for more.

Oh the solicitor said I'd get a decent chunk yeah, but even with that, while we won't be out on the street (lucky in that respect) it's going to be tough - even moving to the next town that's cheaper - finding somewhere to accommodate 3 people (if DD and DS live at home for a while).

OH originally said I could have all the equity, then it changed to he'd keep £10k, and then he said he'd get more as the courts wouldn't rule it was fair. The solicitor backed him up on that. That's the issue. I'm not against an flat, if it has to be that, not ideal with a dog but it's better than nothing. Trouble is finding 2 beds are like hot cakes. Not to mention the annual fees. I don't even mind a 1 bed (me sleeping in the lounge) but that's pushing it.

OH really didn't think this through and I am pissed about that. He wanted what he wanted and that's that. HE could have tried to stay here longer (still separated) to save money now that I'm earning. Fine the marriage is/was over but the haste of it all has really thrown everything and he doesn't seem to give a realistic sht about what happens after the house is sold. I need to stand on my own 2 feet sure, but DD and DS still need a place to live! He's lucky I got a job so quickly otherwise sht would have really hit the fan when he moved out.

I think I've come to the conclusion the house has to be sold at some point. Until I get a reply to my email I won't know his time limit on it though.

My limited earning capacity is the stumbling point. Even if I took a FT job I'd only make up to about £15k, finding one to fit in with doing the evening one is even harder. 9-5 leaves not a lot of travel time between the 6pm start! I really want to keep the evening one but that may not be possible. It's good money though. Which with a £15k FT one could take me to a decent £20K yrly wage. Hard work but I don't mind that. Once DD decides what she wants to do after college (Uni or a job)I'll need something to occupy me.

I'm just a moaning minnie right now. It's gets tough keeping up appearances for DD. She doesn't need any extra stress. She has AS exams coming up.

It's ok to moan all you like, it's your thread.

Everyone has to let off steam somewhere and you are wise not to do it with the kids

How is DS getting on at uni ?

Thanks. I feel better after a moan!
I do miss talking to an adult, just random stuff sometimes. DD is good but not the same.

DS is fine - he doesn't talk much. He's coming back for a week before Easter.

I just feel furious with him on your behalf! He seems to have walked away, thinking only of himself, and left you dealing with everything.

He admitted in his 1st (original) email he's selfish. Doesn't really help me much does it.
It will have to be fine over time, I know that, just doesn't feel that way right now. I assume that's the way it goes before it gets better. Feel flat all the time.
He's seeing DD again this weekend, they're going to Costa for drink and food (I assume). I will kick up a bloody fuss if he pays from the joint account again though. Last time I gave a pass for it as he ran out of money but not this time. It's called budgeting.

I checked his credit history and he put his car insurance on his CC last month (the balance has gone up by about the right amount). I will keep a check on the balances each month to see if they fluctuate. Most of them shouldn't do anything but go down except the current B/card and maybe Tesco one (if he starts using that again).

Sorry to hear about the cleaning job, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I'm sure the right one will come along when you are least expecting it.

Kr1stina is absolutely right about getting the most equity you possibly can from the house - while he was getting himself a nice career and earning lots of money you were busy looking after DC's and cooking his tea. He might think he deserves more equity but I'm pretty certain he won't be getting as much as he thinks.

Hold onto the house as long as you can. The longer you stay there the smaller the mortgage gets and the bigger the equity pot grows. Would you ever be in a position to buy him out and take on the mortgage yourself? He may be more willing to negotiate in 2 years time when he's maxed out all his credit cards and sick of living in his rented room.

And can I just say - I had to smile when I read that you checked his credit file and are keeping an eye on his spending

It will be nice for you to have your DS home for Easter - I always used miss my DD a lot when she went to uni and couldn't wait for her to come home but my excitement usually lasted for about 2 days. 1 week of soggy towels, make-up everywhere, dirty washing and opinions on everything was just about all I could cope with and was almost relieved to get my nice peaceful house back again. I'm sure your son is lovely and looking forward to spending some time with his lovely mum - are you planning anything special?

Can you start your own cleaning business?
People are crying out for good cleaners.
You could advertise on your fb selling page and community page and local shops etc....
I pay £12.50 PH but I know out of our area it's £10 per hour.
Worth looking into maybe?
Then you can set all your own hours.

So sorry he's back pedaling now regarding equity etc...
They all do this. You have to get them very early on in the guilt stage or this happens.
But you sound positive.
You will get through this and come out stronger.

Could you get more hours at the DIY store instead of a second job?

notangelinajolie - the job I applied for was one more of convenience I feel. I was torn between wanting it and not wanting it! I was actually relieved I didn't get it. But I know the money would have come in handy and I need another job.

OH, at the beginning, wanted to just get rid of the mortgage and debts (hence the reason to sell the house quick smart). He thought it would be that easy. He was quite happy with nothing, then it was £10k then it changed to 'courts wouldn't allow me to walk away with nothing' type situation. It's frustrating. I'm not sure he's even looked around at house prices (or flats) to check what will happen to me, DD and DS when he comes home.

I mean, there's nothing to stop us doing a deal where he does get his share during the financial settlement, but then we do the cash swap privately where he gives most of it back so I can purchase a decent property for me and DD (and DS) to live in. We shall see. I still don't know his thoughts on it so it's difficult to predict.

ocelot7 - at the moment, no, more hours aren't possible. Apparently the store (as a whole) is overstaffed as it is. Evening hours won't change unless someone leaves and I can take their spot during one of my evenings off. We do move next yr to a new place that's going to be built down the road - people reckon it's going to be bigger so therefore more stock. So who knows, maybe more hours then. But that's over a yr away. I would do more hours if it meant keeping that job as the sole one and fitting in cleaning around it, for a few hours a week/day.

I've decided that I'll ignore the tax credits after DD turns 18. Child ones stop obviously but claiming the working ones would be more hassle than the payment would be worth. (working over 30 hrs = a few pounds every 4 weeks, literally!).

DS coming home for a week (before Easter!, he goes back on the Monday before Easter Friday) won't be any different to normal tbh. He's very much like his dad, gaming is important to him. So he'll spend most of his time in his room doing that! I will try to budget a meal out for the 3 of us. He's going with his dad and DD to his grandparents (my in-laws) on the Sat he's back. Will try to arranger something for the Sun with my family. Then he goes back on the Mon!

I think we all agree that it's better he's not here for long as we tend to start bickering! Although saying that, he breaks for summer term in June and doesn't go back until Sept (not sure when he'll actually leave his accommodation though, as he has it booked until early July). That will be a testing 2/3 months! He has to get a summer job. No question there. He won't be able to eat during the next Uni yr otherwise!

Forgot to say, I was surprised this morning to receive an exemption NHS card. Didn't even realise, because of the benefits, I would get one. Not sure I'll use it, unless the financial situation is dire at the time, as I feel guilty enough for claiming benefits. It's my NHS Tax credit exemption certificate. It runs til April then I get a new one if I qualify (every 7 months apparently).

I just read hellsbellsmelons suggestion of offering your own cleaning services. Or how about decorating? You said it is something you enjoy. There are a few locally that advertise that they are lady decorators, very clean and non intrusive lol.

There are some free online careers advice services as well. It could be worth trying one to see if there are options for full time work that appeal to you for the future that maybe you hadn't thought about. It might give you something to aim towards over the next year or so.

Finally I just wanted to say well done and keep going. You've done massively well so far, but just remember it is still very early days so go easy on yourself.

Don't feel guilty for claiming benefits you are entitled to. It's not your fault that your selfish bastard ex has walked out on his responsibilities.

That's why we all pay taxes and have a benefit system - as a lifeline to people like you who find themselves in tough situations through no fault of their own.

Stop reading the daily mail and take all the help you can get.

How did you know I read the DM?!?! LOL! Only online and just don['t read the comments sections!

I think the cleaning, as I said, was more convenience and the fact I know I can do it more than wanting to do it. Same with decorating, in my own home that's fine, I mess up and it's only me that's bothered, definitely not in someone elses home!

Online still counts, stop it < slaps knuckles > You are a strong capable woman , stop feeding your mind with that misogynistic shit .

< breathes >

BTW I hope your children realise how well you are coping . Though I realise they are probably like most teenagers and can't see beyond the end of their own noses ( or smart phones ) . A few weeks ago you were worried that you couldn't cope with your job and now you are doing so well you are looking for a second one .

well, another week over. Work is going pretty well. Boss is happy enough.

Yesterday I felt I needed to do something so DD and I went to the next local (largish) town to do some window shopping and have lunch out. We did end up spending money but I haven't blown it on anything we didn't need and I'd been putting off buying so I'm OK with it, if not still feeling a little guilty.
OH has taken DD out to Costa this morning (her choice apparently). Not sure if it's classed as lunch at 10am though. More like a snack. H wants to pick up his bicycle when he drops her back off later.

I got him to sign a form so we can close both savings accounts. I told him last week I wanted to close them and share the savings equally. DD witnessed me doing this and he and I signed a homemade form saying we were happy with that and the amounts we got.

His visits always coincide with pms'ing. Which is probably the reason I cry when he leaves. Took the dog for a walk, didn't help, just gave me time to think. Never a good thing when I feel like this. He just arrives so 'matter-of-fact'. Wish I could act like him. I get the impression he's just fine and dandy. Well he does have the well paid job. Pretty sure he's got plans today, why else would you arrive at 10am to take your daughter out? Why not later for lunch?

Need to ask him when he's planning on taking the motorbike. He's got the savings money now he can afford to do it. Tbh I wish he'd just take ALL his stuff now, even the stuff in the loft, as it's happening in dribs and drabs and making things worse. Wish I never had to see him again actually. But with 2 children together that's never going to happen.
I took the dog for a walk yesterday and it was couples galore everywhere. I know I'm never going to be part of one again, that's something to accept, but it doesn't make it easier. Just reminders everywhere. Doesn't help if you're confused either.
If I could take my savings money and run I would. But that would leave DD and the dog and wouldn't be fair. Doesn't mean I don't think it.

If you only get half the savings, why does he get all of the motorbike? Is not " his" , it's a marital asset. Is he giving you half the Value of it ?

Sorry you are feeling so down this weekend .

^ this about the motorbike^
just ask if he would like you to sell it and you give him 1/2 the money. That may make him remove his stuff a bit quicker

Yes - mention that you'll be advertising it as half the money is yours, and then just see how fast he moves!