Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

How are you today, OP? I hope you had a good weekend.

Juveniledelinquent - I know I have to tread carefully. I think I'll just mention to DD in passing that next time her Dad comes over to pick her up that maybe it's best to make sure he stays downstairs. He only went upstairs as his post and other documents I'd collected from around the house were up there. I'll also mention it to him that he should stay downstairs or just wait in the car next time.

Naicehamshop - thanks for asking, it's like Groundhog Day I feel. Waking up feeling OK, then starting to worry about things, cooking dinner, then either going to work or having the evening off. Sleep and repeat!

I take the dog for a walk every day and I'm finding that with this nice weather I'm enjoying the walks - which sounds good - but I'm reminded during these walks that there may be a time limit on them if I have to sell and move house in the future. We're very lucky here that while we're in a small town (that's been built up massively over the yrs) we have, at the bottom of our estate, a lovely set of walks and you could be in the countryside.

It does make me determined to try to keep the house somehow, but then I start worrying about finding another job!

I just applied for an ideal one as a domestic assistant (cleaner to you and me!) that's so local I could walk (main road at the top of our estate). It's ideal hours (17.5 per week to add to my evening 16), mornings only and I wouldn't need a dog walker! Not sure I stand any chance as I was the 27th person to apply (on that site alone) and I have no cleaning experience (in the work place). But I've tried. I keep looking everyday for new jobs which on one hand is keeping me motivated but on the other it's depressing me seeing things that I can't do.

Had a weird door caller earlier. I never open the door unless it's a delivery or something as I panic. He was very persistent and even wandered around into next doors garden (as their gate is open, having paving done, builder popped off for a bit). I am still confused as to why he was being so patient, ringing the bell twice and then wandering around into someone else's garden. He had a lanyard on and was carrying something in a small case. (CCTV is a wonderful thing). He gave up and drove off. Very strange. Now I'm paranoid OH has done something.

Probably a meter reader

Or one of those survey people.

Possibly. The meter readers round here normally wear their Eon jackets though..... plus why wander into next doors BACK garden? Very weird.

Bang, bang and ring on the door. Look through the viewer and that's the police I see. Black uniform with white writing. Def.Cops. Daughter away. Fear the worst.

Open the door to be asked what do I know about resus? Two minutes and had him sussed as a chugger.

Then I'm left shaking like a leaf as I thought is was police.

For anyone thinking, "Oh get a grip."
When you're going through trauma, everything is heightened. Even that door bell ringing.

OP probably like my chugger. When life was "normal" you wouldn't have given a toss, but alone and so much going it becomes a great deal.

Come here whenever and chat. Some here have gone through it, not always out the other side. Some stuck. I wish you at least a good evening.

Well, after doing some detective work with the CCTV, DD and I figured out (it's not complicated after all!) how to watch playback. The strange man turns up and goes NEXT door first. Then, with no answer, goes back to his car for 5 mins, then turns up at my door. So, we deduced he wanted the neighbours NOT me. But gotta say, even DD said why is he acting so suspiciously!

Another day. Windy this time though. Walking the dog was another workout entirely today, he didn't mind but I did!
Just hoping in this wind the fence panels and roof tiles stay where they should be! We've always been unlucky with fence panels so fingers crossed.....

Well, wishful thinking for the fence panel situation! 1 down, hopefully none more to go! Oh well. If I talk nicely to the neighbours they might want to go halves for the close board panels this time, to match the rest of their garden. If not I'll just (the 1 at this stage...) change the broken one for the same crappy style.

I've got 2 fence panels down.
I also have seriously bad luck with fence panels.
I have no advice. But keep going!

Fence panels looking dodgy here too. Just hope they stay up!

Two fence panels down here - about par for the course. One has blown into next door's garden - they aren't known for being reasonable so I hope they don't come round pulling their faces.

Haha! Sorry, it's like the fence panel club! I dread looking out in the garden when it's windy like this. Always happens.

We're never lucky with panels. At least one or more comes down. We do buy the flimsy overlap ones not the close board. Think I may have to bite the bullet and just buy the decent sturdy ones. Luckily the neighbours both sides are nice and happy to keep their panels in decent nick (one side has a dog as well, the one down ... so far!) so I at least will have help putting them back!

not sure why I keep saying 'we' but as it happened in the past it's OK. From now on I will say I* when buying panels! Bet OH won't even think to ask as he knows we have bad luck with them.
Chin up, the wind will die down soon... I hope!

I know what you mean about dreading looking out Over - we have three down now.

Won't your OH contribute though? Are repairs to his property now no longer part of what you have agreed? Might be worth mentioning it.

My neighbours have propped up the one between our houses (they have a dog) but my others are on the side near the pavement - makes our garden seem really insecure.

Hey - have just done the same as you using we instead of I! And my ex has been gone 14 years. (Fourteen peaceful years).

Its clear you feel it is not a good marriage and you are just ticking on. Your communication has broken down as you commuincate by text and no face to face. Its been a long marriage and produced great kids. It seems ro me you have become use to mundane and he wants to end it. If an important decision like that is via text then it is unfair to you and your family. Perhaps its a good thing as it seems you would deserve a better person s a partner to be upfront to your face. You will be fine if you have married you will be protected financially with half of things or you can go to your council. You will get spousal support for your children. DO NOT PANIC. Ask him outright how he plans to support you and talk about if there is any way to save your marriage. Tell him to help woth advice to make things easy at a good pace as you split. I know about traumatic splits. I HAD ONE. I WAS NOT MARRIED. I had been woth my partner for 15 years and we were very happy and we bo7ght a house and it was a shell and we did it lovely as we had a successful business and were finanically well off. i was gutting all the rooms and living there and designing the perfect house. All the while my friend and partner began an affair nd he ran off with her and the next thing I know the elctricity and heating and Sky TV were all turned off. My partner was living at his families where we still lived whilst doing our house up. I moaned about noelectricity or heating and then no water he said to call these companies when the reality was he was trying to rid of me and making me go mad in the process. He ran off and still said nothing. For wweks I didnt see him. I went into work nd everyone was being off. I was ordered out of my house and I had to use bots of money to stay in hotels and he cut my card off and I had no money. He didnt answer my calls and nor were his family. After 2 months he returned and said no apology or told me he was having an affair just that he didnt want me. I couldnt claim the house as my name wasnt on it at that point and also Iwas made to sign a document frauduenltly and It took me off directorship of our company. I had no income no job no business no money no partner no roof over my head. Worst of all NEVER an explanation from him or his family who I was close to the pain sears still. BUT I am better off and have a new man and I realise it was for rhe best. It had not broke down everything was happy. Its just.my friend seduced him and was poor and soon got an amazing life and she is 10 years younger and he is 15 years older rhan her. But you know if thats in him to do that to me he never deserved me. BE STRONG. Its the struggle of finding answers and help to keep purselves financially secure thats tue real issue. I got there I slept on my sisters sofa. Darling you just need a close friend and help YPU need to be honest and speak up. Male an appointment today with the local council. Call the cotizens advixe bureau and they will give you advice. It is out there but confide in a family memeber and a friend and a stranger if need be I have had rhe most support from them xxxxxxxxx

I mentioned in my email to him (outlining my plans for the future in response to his one) that any minor repairs to the house I'd take care of. A fence panel (IMO) falls under that. It wasn't a lot (although add the bloomin' delivery charge on.....) it's just more awkward to take care of than cost. It has proved why I need to keep saving the tax credits money though, for things like this. Although I didn't dip into them this month, I know I have them there if I need them. My goal for this yr is to save for a car.

Got my payslip this morning and the tax I was charged last month has been paid back so that's good. Means the tax refund plus all the overtime I've been paid will take care of my car insurance due this month, thus meaning I don't need to dip into the savings. Result.

DD needs a new pair of shoes (she only has ONE pair now her 2nd pair have given up the ghost!) so will talk to OH about how we're going to deal with that.

She will buy her own new bag for college but I can't expect her to pay for her shoes (she still doesn't have a job but she's good with buying things for herself and normally takes care of clothes/ make-up etc.. from birthday/xmas money).

I really need another pair of trainers so will need to go to the local outlet place to get some cheapish ones. Was waiting for payday to do that. Luckily I'm not a big spender on clothes shoes etc.. Bought 3 new polo tops for under £25 (including P+P) this month. That will do for another yr or 2!

It's the weekend again. Seems to come round very quickly. Nothing planned. Seems to be the story of my life right now. Nothing planned for the rest of the yr other than the normal life stuff (decorating, birthdays ect).
That's mainly why I always wanted to go on holiday every yr, to have something to look forward to, plan for. Not an option now. If we do ever go on a holiday again it'll be in this country. Driving in new places is bad enough for me, but a foreign new place? Oh boy. Driving on the other side of the road (France, Germany) isn't an issue but the language barrier confuses me!

OH replied saying we could go halves on DD's shoes. Fine by me.

He also told DD the other day he'll need to find someone to collect his motorbike as it won't run. It needs fixing. What a surprise. That'll cost then. He could probably hire a bike trailer himself and pick it up. But he won't even research that, he'll go straight for someone else doing it.

I hope you manage to have a good week.
Also glad he's going halves on the shoes.
You are sounding strong.
You will go on holiday again just not for a little while!

It's nearly that time again. I feel the fog descending. Why is PMS such a b*tch??

Weird week so far. Fine, coping with every day stuff, after all, I did it myself even when he was here. But I go through stages of anger. Mostly when I'm dealing with the dog. Not anger with the dog, but with OH. He's doing his own thing - free. He just walks away. His job was always there, so it's not like he's doing anything differently. I don't know, I just get pissed off very easily with him.

I spoke to DD while making pancakes earlier. Just mentioned that what I do or my family does is none of OH's business any more, just as what his parents do isn't my business any more. She understood.

Paid for my car insurance earlier, the cash didn't last long in the bank account!

I don't blame you for feeling angry - I'm surprised that you are not absolutely steaming with rage! He has just walked off and left you to deal with all the crap, a lot of it created by him!

Stay strong though - you are doing well.

Read back some of my posts the past couple of days, always moaning! LOL! Sorry. I guess I come here to vent. Nowhere else to go.

How does everyone 'stay strong' though? I'm an introvert so going out and socialising is off my list. I don't have hobbies. Work is the only thing going for me right now. And I'm finding it tough - day to day I mean, not work. That's easy in comparison. I know I can be strong , but it's the wrong time of month for that and my mind has to much time to think right now.

I can't seem to stop thinking about getting another job and money and housing. I know it (hopefully) will be over a yr before we even talk about selling the house (one of the possibilities) but it's still something I think about every time I do anything. It's there. Knowing I need another job this time next yr isn't too daunting but earning enough to (maybe) keep the mortgage here is. I check everyday for jobs. I won't be applying for a while as my head is still all over the place and I need to sort out a reliable dog sitter/walker before going the full time route. I don't want to be rushed. It's too important. I will need one for decorating in June so will start looking soon.

I know OH won't respond to my email about future plans until he's had a chance to see a proper solicitor (he's been paid now so I assume he'll be able to afford it) but it's tough waiting. I kept him waiting for nearly 3 weeks so can't complain there. Just stressful.

Nothing seems to have gone right today - took the dog for a walk, 20 mins, and 2 parcels couldn't be delivered! 20 mins! Seriously! Then tried to pay for my goods with my Boots points and the system was down. Not helpful.

sigh breathe!

Another day.
One of my co-workers text me when I got home after Mondays shift to say my car passenger light was out. I assumed she meant my side light which has a dodgy connection and doesn't actually work. I found out last night while driving to work she meant the actual headlight (plus the dodgy light is the drivers one!)! So this morning I set about trying to change it. I didn't have a bulb so needed a trip to Halfords anyway, but I at least wanted to try. Managed, after some hassle, to get the bulb out but decided I wouldn't be getting it back in again so when at Halfords to buy the new one I got the guy there to fit it. Wasn't cheap but the passenger side has the water reservoir for the wipers directly in front of the bulb fitting and it was so much hassle trying to get the bulb out I decided it was easier for my sanity to pay for fitting. He made it look easy! But he also told me he'd had an older car similar to mine (same manufacturer) so knew what he was doing!

The drivers light I will definitely be attempting completely myself when needed as now I know what bulb to buy plus it has something in front of it that is removable and is easier to fit! Unlike the passenger side! Had to happen a month after OH left didn't it? Couldn't have been a month before he left! Oh well.

Dog has been walked. Picked up parcels from PO. Seems to be ticking over.

Well done for even attempting to change the bulb! I have to admit that I wouldn't have a clue!

Well, got a call about the domestic assistant job I applied for. Obviously it's only for an interview on Monday but could be positive. It's the right hours so I wouldn't need a dog walker and it wouldn't affect my tax credits too much while DD is still under 18 and in full time education. So I'd be earning extra money and still getting tax credits, to go towards a car. It's very convenient that I could walk/cycle there, therefore saving use of the car which is handy (petrol wise and if car has a problem!). Literally 10 mins up the road walking.

Obviously I'll check with my evening employer but 3 of the other evening ones have full time jobs during the day so I can't see it being a problem.

After DD turns 18 then things could need to change as the child tax credit stops and the working one is peanuts (literally a few pounds every 4 weeks). But depends on how much I'm earning from 2 jobs. A full time one during the day may need to happen. But having 2 part time ones would keep me going and not make a FT one such an urgent affair. Would give me breathing space. I could wait until this time next yr to look for another job entirely but I don't want to pass up a decent job with hours that suit which could give me extra money and also experience to go on my CV. That way next yr I can take my time finding the right FT one if needed. Plus with 2 part time jobs the pay totals what I'd get for one FT one during the day (with my limited experience etc..).

Next yr I can look into what will need to happen for me to take the mortgage over - hrs worked and pay scale - which will obviously give me the answers I need to move forward on that front.

But I'm getting ahead of myself! It's only an interview..... Monday afternoon. We shall see.