Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

I agree, you've got a lot done in a short time. You need to give yourself time , no one can adjust to this amount of change quickly.

As you are mostly working in the evenings, can you give yourself some nice treats during the day? Ideally things that will contribute to your well being in the long term, like going to an exercise class or swimming, taking up a new hobby or interest. Join a walking group in a local park , go to a day time class, join a choir.

There are loads of things that are free or cheap, you just have to do a bit of research and try things out. You have spent so long focussed on your ex and the kids, it's really tough to start thinking of you. What are your interests and hobbies ?

I've just caught up with this thread and I have to say you are an amazing woman OP. Kudos to you for fighting your corner civilly

Well it's the weekend. Work last night was pretty laid back, not so much to do so that was nice. We did have to go outside to sort the trolleys out (to have something to do!) at half 11, bloody freezing!

Next week should be a normal week for the usual hours side, but I will be working Thurs 8-12. I already told the boss I couldn't do Tues and luckily the other lady said she could and I volunteered to do her shift Thurs. If I know I'm doing it I can (mentally) prepare plus it's half term so DD is home anyway and I can cook dinner early without rushing.

Went to local retail park today, to get some thing for DD for college. Had a wander round. Then got home and walked the dog. Been sleeping on the sofa for a while! We always have an 'easy' dinner Sat nights, normally ready meals or pizza.

I'm trying to stay upbeat but it's tough. Specially when nothing in set in stone yet. At some point I have to compose a letter to OH to set out what I want to do. Whether he agrees is another matter.

Was surprised to find I had been paid my work/child tax credits this morning. Seems to be 2 weeks' worth. (2 separate payments). I immediately transferred it to the savings account. I'm assuming it was backdated to the date he moved out or when they received it (I didn't ask for that). If I can save it monthly at least for the next yr then I can afford a car. Then I will need to think about either another part time job or a FT one (for the 30hrs). (keeping the PT one I already have as it's a decent gig and the people are very nice). Guess time will tell what I can do.

Haven't got anything planned for this weekend. Just trying not to think too much.

Unfortunately I don't have hobbies. That's my problem. I'm kind of boring. There are things I'd like to do but saying and doing are 2 different things.

I haven't read the thread OP but from 30 pages I can see you have a hell of a lot of support on here!

Don't be too hard on yourself! If you look back at your earlier posts you will realise that you have come a really long way in a very short time.

It probably would be a good idea to develop some hobbies, but don't put pressure on yourself. You need to process the ending of your long marriage, and the stress of having to find a job and make major changes to your life. Maybe give yourself a few months, and then think about joining a "Meet-up" group - Google meet-ups, there are bound to be some in your area.

Can I just check one thing - the savings account - is that in your name only?

Do you have any joint accounts or cards with your ex ?

Yep, the savings accounts are both in my name.

Excellent

Trouble is I like being at home. I'm a homebody.

I think what annoys me at the moment is that OH will know what I'm doing through DD. If we do anything together she'll no doubt mention to OH what she's been doing. Therefore my life still won't be my life. Dramatic I know, but I know jack sh*t of what he's doing right now. I don't ask DD if she's spoken to him or anything, I don't give a crap. But he'll know.

Something small and petty I know, but it still annoys me.

Yes, I think that would annoy me as well!

Probably a short term thing though - in a while you just won't care if he knows or not, and your daughter will be more involved in her own life/ thinking about uni so won't be passing so much stuff on.

Don't give him too much headspace!

Yep, it's a small little thing but so annoying. But he'll still know little things, like the dentist on tuesday or the chinese we'll have that night. Stuff like that. She won't think whether telling him anything is a good or bad thing.

Quiet night at work last night. Very good evening.

Dentist was all clear today, picked up a Chinese on the way home. Leftovers for dinner!

I started to go through photos last night before work, looking for something particular but ended up taking out all the ones with OH in! (or his family) He can have them and any he doesn't want can give back and I'll put in an album for the kids. Or he can do that for them rather than just check them away (most have the kids in them). I need to do the wedding album next. I'm not sentimental like that (unless they're pics of my family). We have never looked at the wedding album. He can have any of his parents etc...

Trying to write an email to OH outlining what I want for the future. Harder than it sounds. The gist is:
For me and DD to carry on living here until DD is at least 18 then we'll talk about the house situation (I didn't mention selling or not, left it open).

Him to continue paying the bills/debts in lieu of child maintenance. The debts and mortgage should go down quite a lot in 18 months. IF spending on the cards doesn't happen. I've made a point of that.
I've outlined what I'll be paying for. I also will need a car at some point this yr so I need to save for that, he has a car AND a motorbike so can't really grumble at my saving suggestion.
Any big expenses for the house or kids need to be discussed but I'll take care of the smaller household stuff (decorating, new hob etc..).

I need to ask about the dog. Is he going to wash hands completely of that responsibility or pay half vets/insurance etc... I don't expect him to pay for a dog walker or any dog boarding as that's down to me and my choices.

Any thing else I should mention that I've forgotten?

I'd include half the boarding for the dog, if he doesn't want to pay then he can have the dog when you are away. Having the dog is down to him and his choices too.

I'd add in another couple of things that you are prepared to use as a negotiating tactic .

Yes I'd agree with Kr1stina. Better to have a bit of flexibility. I think he should pay for half the dog costs. It's still half his responsibility. I also think requesting that you and DD live in the house until she is at least 18 is unrealistic. What if she goes to uni? Isn't 21 better? I'm sure you've already thought about all of that bug just chucking my ten pence's worth.😉

Think you're doing bloody brilliantly by the way.

I had thought about the dog more, but realistically he won't be able to look after the dog in his room rental. And I don't think he'd bother with him thus the dog would suffer. That way I also have my business private. If I want to go away and board the dog it's none of his business!

21 would be better for the house, not sure whether he'd go for that and I'd make myself more hassle. Could try it I suppose. But the courts wouldn't support that either....

I'm really trying to find a solution for the job situation. Ideally I'd like to just add another job for 15/16 hrs per week to make the 30 but I have to check how that would work with the tax credits situation. The evening one is ideal and not really taxing (but bloody hard work sometimes when busy!) so I'd like to keep it. I keep checking the online jobs every other day or so just to see what's available. 16 hrs during the day time per week would be amazing! Not sure how that'll happen.....

Hi itsover, hope all is well and your shoulder is a little better?

Don't commit to saying you will sell the house when DD gets to 18. I'd be a little bit vague on that one. Perphaps word it a little differently and say you will keep the house while you are supporting her financially. If she is going to Uni she will need your help long after she has turned 18. And if she doesn't go she will still need a roof over her head. Does he expect you both to pack your bags and put the for sale sign up the minute she turns 18?

After all the upset and upheaval it sounds like everything has settled down a bit and I'm pleased that work doesn't appear to be quite the ordeal it was for you in the beginning. How about working in a school? I Lunch time assistant maybe or a part time job in the school office? The hours would fit in with your evening job and you'd get paid for school holidays. A friend of mine started off as a dinner lady and then went to college and is now a TA. I know it wouldn't suit everybody - I helped out at DD's school for a while - it was fun but also very noisy!

Today I have realised something. I say things just to please people. Everyone. Which as everyone else knows is impossible. I'm not like everyone else. Never have been. Which is why I'm on my own the majority of the time. If you keep to yourself you can't let people down. well not directly anyway.
I've thought about ending things a lot. Every day. It's always there. I told the counsellor guy that I would never do it. Did I say I say things just to please people? I don't think people realise how it feels unless you feel the same way. I read a blog every day (same page) from someone who describes it perfectly. Right now I want things to stop. But it would be painful. That's the only thing that's ever stopped me. I probably shouldn't say it but I admire people who have that courage. this situation is my fault. Doesn't matter how you spin it.I hate my life. In truth I hate myself. This is the reason he left.

Well there are billions of people in the world, you can't be different from them all. I know lots of people who are people pleasers - we all are to some extent. Especially women, we are socialised to be nice to others and put their feeling above our own. This only works if others do the same . It doesn't work if those close to us are selfish, like your ex ( or most teenagers ! ).

So I'm sorry, but I think you are quite normal . Perhaps you are feeling different and disconnected from world because you are depressed - do you think that's posssible?

I'm sorry to hear that you are so down and very concerned to hear you say that you are thinking of taking your own life. Would you please go back to your GP and tell her this. You may need a different type of anti depressant.

You also need to reach out to your friends and family and tell them how bad you feel - you don't need to go through this alone.

And it's good that you have realised that you say things you don't mean / agree to things you don't want just to please others. Realising it is the first step to stopping it and taking better care of yourself.

Haven't you seen all the theads here with posters saying " how can I tell my friend / relative that I don't want to do X? " . Most of us struggle to be more assertive.

It doesn't mean that you are a failure, it means you are a normal woman.

itsover.

I'm in a very similar position to yours and have been inspired by all the progress you've made in such a short space of time - remember it's very early days still and your emotions are bound to be in turmoil, particularly so if you were already suffering from depression, but things will get better and easier in time.

From reading your thread it really doesn't appear that your H left because of you, but due to his own unresolved issues, don't blame yourself.

You have DC and a dog who love and need you, please reach out to your GP or counsellor, let them know you're struggling and be kind to yourself.

I think a lot of people say things just to please others - I know I do. I've spent years doing it and almost certainly caused myself lots of problems because of it. I'm doing my best to be more assertive.

Don't be too hard on yourself - we are none of us perfect. You have come a long way and been very brave, but do you think that maybe now is the time to speak to your doctor about possible depression?

I'm sorry you're going through this.
On a practical note, the 42K credit card debt has to be addressed urgently as it will continue to spiral out of control. When you speak with the SHL ask them about how this gets split following separation- does half the debt then belong to him and half to you? if it does, then you need to get as much as possible on the 0% interest asap. Be aware that the DM arrangements may affect you getting a mortgage in the future.
Alternatively, would it be worth remortgaging as a couple at this stage to pay off the credit card debt? Not sure whether this may disadvantage you more than him though, but it may be worth exploring. Good luck

Well, another weekend. Been a quiet week considering I've done an extra night and it's half term so DD is around. Feeling slightly better but not sure if I'm just resigned to things being messy (financial/divorce) or I just can't be arsed to feel bad.
I found out on Wed night that OH was planning to take DD out for lunch today. Only text him to ask a question about some post and he said he'll pick it up Sat. News to me. But I'm not bothered big time, just would have been nice to be in the loop.

He arrived, earlier than his stated time, this morning, I wasn't ready (dressed) as I'd washed the car/downstairs windows, and was hoping he'd just pick her up and leave. But no, she even invited him upstairs to collect his things/post. I wasn't exactly pleasant (I was dressed at this point!) as I could have been doing anything up there and even though I hadn't spoken to DD about it, I feel HE should have said no I'll wait until your Mum comes down (or something). Am I over reacting? Probably but I just felt he should have taken the lead and said I'll wait downstairs. He even got the dog hot and bothered as the dog was so pleased to see him.

Work this week has been a distraction and even though at the start of each evening shift I could do with just curling up on the sofa, by the time I get there I'm fine. It's been more casual with the boss away tbh. The acting boss is a nice young guy who is more than happy to let us go early when the work is done (he lives about 1/2 hr away so is happy to go early!). He doesn't stand around watching you while flapping that we've got too much to do and it's not going to get done.

One minute I feel fine, then another minute I feel like crap. Problem is I don't feel normal. Never have. Always tried to fit in. I know I'm not the only one with these feelings but trouble is it doesn't help knowing that. Weird trying to explain it.

I won't be going back to the Dr's - I feel she'd just want to push more pills at me. I had a letter through from the counselling people but it didn't really tell me anything I didn't know. Only what had happened in my 'interview' and what course of action they think should happen next. But no news on when or where that action will be. I had to fill in, again, 3rd time, another questionnaire thing online. We'll see what happens next.

As regards DD inviting him in, what a dilemma for you. He's still her dad and you want her to have a good relationship with him. This is very important as you won't want her to feel that he's left her.

I would bite the bullet for now because before long this will not be an issue.