Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

The solicitor was very, what's the word. I don't know. She got friendlier and was definitely on my side. She's a partner in the firm and has obviously been doing this a long time (hopefully that's not a rude thing to say! She wasn't old by any means though!). But careful not to get my hopes up for too much, if that makes sense. Realistic. Definitely fighting for me though. Open to many ideas and making it work for me.

For it to work the way I want it (keeping the house) I need to step up and get a decent job towards the end of the yr/early next yr. Selling the house when DD is 18 (or so OH will think....) gives me breathing space to relax and enjoy my current job for a while then go all out to find a FT one. The other good reason for waiting as well, is I can then find the right job and not just the 1st one that comes along. I know I will need one but I want to enjoy it as well.

OH was lucky I scored this PT job so early, as he'd be screwed cash wise if he had to pay me food/petrol money until I found one.

OH will be living the single life. He'll do all the things I stopped him doing. (not that I held him back and said no, I always said he could do things just that I wouldn't).

Although when he suggested (joke or not?) going on a horse riding holiday I said we should go for lessons first. He found that suggestion weird! I mean, shouldn't you learn to ride a horse first?!
I always wanted to go go-karting on one of those long circuits as well. (I should do that). So it wasn't like I didn't want to do anything, I did. Just not the same as him. He wanted to go climbing (outside up a cliff type thing) I would rather go to a climbing wall inside. That type of compromise. But apparently he didn't think I'd be up for that. I just need(ed) encouragement and company. Sadly I'm that type of person.

Your current solicitor sounds like my second one! My 1st was lackadaisical, lacked assertiveness and was frankly imo incompetent (her final cock up almost resulted in me losing residency!) my 2nd was far more pro-active, professional and timely in doing the work. Much better.

DD's phone contract ends tomorrow (although she weirdly has to still give 30 days notice?!) so she and OH have been texting about it. He was at his parents place today. He did tell me last week he'd be getting some stuff from them (towels, sheets, anything else his mum thinks he needs).

OH is now ordering a new deal for her online with another place and will try to cancel her 'current' contract tomorrow when it actually runs out. If not he says he'll just pay both for a month. Not ideal and something that could have been sorted out a while ago as she's known for a while she wanted another phone. But there you go. No forward planning. As usual. (and it's the phone plan I wasn't allowed to look at so I couldn't help with it and didn't know the terms).

Had pizza today with the family. Sis's birthday. Embarrassed her on FB with old pics first though. I wasn't all there at lunch tbh. Everywhere you look there are couples. Not sure why it bothers me as I don't miss him, as such.

Actually scrub that. OH couldn't set up the Direct Debit as he didn't pass the credit check, he's changed addresses for the bank and it's not the same as the delivery one so it wouldn't work. Therefore I've had to do it, from the joint account and he'll transfer the extra each month (it's about £8 more per month).
I just hope he wasn't trying to pull a fast one.

Get legal and financial advice.
He might be still there but he checked out long ago. There's probably another woman. Men don't move out until there's someone else available to cook, wash and plan life.
The dc can get financial support from the father while in uni. My dd did. Get a really good lawyer and protect your interests.

This is not advice for here as I feel a little uncomfortable about this thread. General advice however for anyone watching.

Never believe your Solicitor is your friend.
Their brief is "Out, happy and the next one in.

" Never email them as to what your ex is saying . It'll cost you £100.00 Come and spout here instead, it's free!

Always make everything official, especially when wanting a mortgage in the future. Nationwide won't be impressed that daddy bought some trainers. They want to see that you can pay your bills on time. Get all those utilities into your name plus mobile phone bills, that will start building your credit rating. These men are controlling from afar. Get CSA or whatever it's called now

Tell him you want X amount maintenance to retrain. You've been out of the workforce for ages. Four, five years to get your skills up to date? Court would grant you that. Tell your Sol, she's working for you, tell her what you want.
I can only say it again, get every bill in your name and pay it. That's the way to build credit rating.

Well, not going bowling tonight. Partly because I wasn't looking forward to it, no matter how hard I tried, and more importantly my shoulder is still playing up and as I know I'm a vigorous bowler it'll only make it worse. I need to be available for work for the next 2 weeks (as people are out and we're on a lean crew) so can't risk having more problems and going off sick.

I've learnt from past experience I need to rest it for a few days to let it clear up but without OH to take the slack I can't do that. And I don't learn my lesson! Hopefully it'll get better but if not I will need to see the Dr about it anyway. Restricted movement and these problems every yr are no fun. I've been saying for a long time I need to sort it. Guess now is as good a time as any.

Have you thought of seeing a chirpoprator? I know it's not cheap, ours is about £30 a time but it's cheaper than going off sick and losing wages.

I need to see someone for sure. I'll start with the Dr and go from there. See what they say. If I don't feel they're any good I'll try your suggestion.

Hope doctor can help. I was referred for physiotherapy and waited months. They were pleasant but not much use. In desperation I went for chiropractic , because I'm the most non woo person and I thought it was like homeopathy and getting candles stuck in your ear.

Mine is very good and is from Australia where they are trained at uni. I have no idea how it works , but He pokes and presses on my ( fully clothed ! ) back and arm and fixes me in a couple of appointments . He also gives me exercises to do.

DH sees one in another practice who is totally different - always wants to sign you up for a course of 10 treatments and lifestyle classes, diet supplements and hypnotherapy . Whatever you go with he says it will take months to fix.

So if you do need to go, defo get a recomendation.

It depends on what's wrong. I was sent for physio and it made my shoulder a lot worse. A consultant diagnosed the problem and I had a sub acromial decompression. It completely cured me.

My shoulder has been weird for a few yrs now. Not sure what I've had before but it's different this time. Before I couldn't move my arm (really at all) without searing pain but now it's fine to move it in most directions but the boney bit on the top of my collarbone/shoulder area is the most painful to touch and limits the movement in some directions. Pain comes and goes depending on what I'm doing with my arm. Aches a lot too. So no idea what's going on this time!
The movement in my left arm/shoulder is completely free but the right one is definitely limited. (shaving under my arm is a saga! TMI maybe?!) Plus I get a lot of twinges in it. When I raise both arms the left one is always taller than the right and the shoulder looks like it's in a different place! Weird but true! Always waiting for it to 'go' again.

Well, the O/T debate was pointless really. The boss just text me and it's normal times for the next couple of weeks regardless of who isn't there. This weather really doesn't inspire people to do DIY or gardening so it's been slow since Xmas. Meaning O/T has been stopped unless completely necessary. Oh well. Back to my normal Monday schedule....

I have problems in my shoulder in the same place. Apparently mine is caused because the muscle under the scapula is weaker and isn't pulling my shoulder back enough so it's rubbing against the socket at the front. This causes pain and restricted movement, especially backwards e.g. Fastening my bra or fastening seat belt when I'm driving. Apparently it looks squint from the back. I have to do exercises to strengthen it .

Sorry I don't know enough to explain it properly.

Yea, I think I need to find out exactly what the problem is then go from there. At the moment I have no idea.

So, I've added painting the kitchen to my decorating schedule! To be fair most of it is tiled and it's not that big, but it'll take time as it's fiddly. There are some parts that need to be filled in properly that have bugged me for ages and I want to do something about it.

DD and I have chosen a paint online but will obviously want to see it in the flesh (shop) before buying! Plus I have to wait until I've done my 3 months probation before getting the store discount. So it won't be until April at the earliest my decorating can commence!

I think I just want to keep busy and make it fresh.

Could the pain be RSI? If so, best not to take on more hours at present, otherwise you'll be off work. You've done so well, but are using muscles lifting boxes, that have never been used.

As money is tight( just for the present), how about some gentle stretching exercises from youtube. Yoga also is good and will get you out there with like minded women. May be too much to think about now, sorry.

Hope your daughter's coping ok. Some of the worst behaved teenagers I ever knew, have gone on to be the most successful and likeable people in adulthood.

How's it going today OP? I hope you are staying positive an enjoying time with your daughter.

Last couple of days, after the weekend, have been ... weird. Not sure how I feel actually. It was the 1st weekend apart (properly, mind & body). The weekend itself wasn't too bad but have felt 'flat' the past couple of days.

I have just got in from work. It's a funny couple of weeks with people off sick/on courses and after being told yesterday there was no overtime (which I was OK with), my boss asked the main manager for O/T and he said yes. So I got a text about 4 to go in tonight. Originally wanted for about 5 but I said I couldn't go until 7 - which was true as I had dinner planned and wasn't even near ready.

I'm OK once there but I admit I do like my evenings off when I have them so I hope it's not a regular thing, as it's tough to plan when you're never sure. I will be saying no to too many though. He might want me in again Thurs as 2 have a night off, 1 will be off on sick leave for a week and a half, and 2 are still doing their course. Leaving 2 plus me if I'm asked to go in. I'd say about 7/8 if he asks. I don't mind that if I can do the 4 hrs. Tonight wasn't the best as the lady I get on with better was off. There are 2 that are really in their own zone and you can feel like a spare wheel. It got better as the night went on.

I will have about 10 hrs in O/T to come after tonight, that's without doing any more (5 from last month to come) but could end up with about 20 or 25 at this rate! The money will be nice as I have things I want to buy (not expensive!) and to obviously start saving some. I have already told the boss I can't do Tuesday next week and ttat's true as DD and I have plans. Dentist in the morning and then Chinese for dinner. It's Valentines day, which in itself isn't a big problem, we never celebrated any way but it's just obviously going to be weird.

I think my problem with the O/T is I'm a routine person. If I know I'd doing X amount of hours/days then fine, I am OK with that. But all this random stuff panics me. Just the way I am. I also don't like change! And right now there's too much of it. I think that's why I plumped for office work early on, 9-5 suited me, I knew the hours and the work and that was that.

My watch gave up the ghost today so it's either a new battery or a new (cheap) watch. I do tend to scratch them easy etc.. so I don't spend a fortune on them - £30 is normally my limit! I'll see if the girl can get to the battery before deciding, last time I needed one she couldn't get the back off so I ended up getting this (new) watch.

Anyways, onwards and upwards. I think. Still not sure how to feel right now. Haven't heard from the solicitor or the counselling people so I'm still in limbo.

I have been in texting contact with OH as I had to ask him if I could open the house insurance renewal (addressed to him) and also DD has her new phone.

Got the stuff from the solicitor. I assume as I haven't signed anything I'm not contracted to her or anything? The letter is worded in a way that confuses me!
Wowzer, they're not cheap either. I won't be using a SOL for the foreseeable future. No way I can afford that. Not a hope in hell. Well, stuck in hell actually. But for the charges and I don't understand any of the letter, legal jargon, but I do know I won't be signing anything.
I knew they were expensive but god, it's way over my budget.

I'll just have to tell OH about the house stuff myself and see what his reaction is. If he wants to go to a SOL at those prices then let him.

Got a letter from HMRC this morning which confused me even further. Mentioning something about a joint claim and not being eligible, which is confusing mainly as I've never tried to make a joint claim. The letter didn't specify anything else which wasn't helpful. I've spoken (online and phone) to several HMRC departments about separating from OH lately but this letter specifically states Tax Credits Claim so, I don't know what it was about.

I rang up (and got through straight away!) and the only query they really had was that I didn't have any income down for Jan - April. So he took that and said that should be OK now. I still have no clue what the letter meant but the guy at HMRC said the claim is going through so I should have a plan set up by the weekend.

*Kinda annoyed as the guy I spoke to originally asking about what to put on the claim form said as it was based on last yrs income I didn't need to put anything! Whereas this guy said I needed an income guess until the end of the tax yr. He's duly adding that.

Managed to get my watch battery sorted, the cost of the battery was better than the cost of the cheapest watch so it's all sorted. Although Samuels didn't have stock of the battery I needed so I was sent elsewhere! Weird for a jewellery shop. The lady in Timpsons was very helpful though so they got my money instead!

Working again tonight. 6-12. Long shift. Feeling tired after last night. I'm a light sleeper anyway and can have broken sleep which doesn't help. Switching off after work is difficult for me so I don't get to sleep until about 1am. DD then gets up for college (either 5.30 or 6.30) so I get woken up then and don't really sleep much after that. That's why the 3 nights a week works better than doing 4/5.

Feeling really flat this morning as well. I'm not happy or sad. Just ... here. Well actually, more edging on the sad side and 'done'. I have no clue what to do next or when.

Still no counselling stuff, giving up on that for now I think. Even if there's a waiting list (as expected) I'd still like to know the plan, they could write and tell me what's going on. But nothing. I'll have to check back at a later date.

Taking the dog for a walk in a bit. Need to get the exercise and force myself outside. At the moment I'm doing things because I have to not because I want to.

I'm tired of acting happy. With DD, at work, with others - when do you start actually feeling happy?

Give yourself some time. It's early days.
Things that help- write exDH a letter explaining how he's pissed you off- do not send it. therefore you can just have a big rant- spelling, handwriting, stabby holes in the paper don't matter.
Get a diary- write down what you've achieved every day, even if it's little things. You've come a long way in just over a month!

Feel very guilty every time I say no to the boss when he texts for going in early. Genuinely couldn't tonight, as he text I was cooking dinner. Plus tbh I couldn't face going in early.

Just feeling empty. My get up and go has gone. Tough few days.

I imagine you feel emotionally drained. That happened to me in similar circumstances- I think we underestimate how tiring all this sort of thing is. Be kind to yourself.

I do yes. Emotionally drained is a good way of putting it.
I'm just drifting.
Once I'm at work I'm OK. Although having to keep smiling is getting boring. Sometimes you just don't want to talk. But with such a small group you have to. They're a nice bunch, don't get me wrong, but you have those days you just want quiet.

Had a minor meltdown before going to work last night in front of DD. Wasn't feeling up to it at all. Tired. I am texting DD 'goodnight' just before I know she's due to go to bed every evening, last night she sent a lovely reply which made me smile.
I'm not going in tonight and even if the boss asks I'll say no.

Not sure how it'll work next week when the boss (and 2 others) are on holiday. The guy who is covering for him is a lazy sod (was told this before Monday and saw it 1st hand Monday night when he covered then) so we won't get much help from him. So we'll see if I'm called in early at all. The other new young lad who started with me is one of the ones on a course so he won't be called in at all (course during the day, so won't be working evenings).

Taking things casual today. Picked up the food shopping. Always nice when the fridge is full. (within budget as well, result). Dog walked - bloody freezing! Wrapped up very well, looked like I was in the arctic! Towels washing.

Told OH (by email) that he should cancel the renewal for the house insurance and I'll take out a cheaper one by myself. No point in having a joint one if he's not even living here. Can get cashback as well making it even cheaper. Managed to get cashback on DD's new phone which was a good result. (didn't think for mine, went instore anyway).

It sounds as if you are getting a lot done - keep going. Sometimes at this stage it's just a question of putting one foot in front of another until the clouds begin to lift and you find yourself in a place where you can be happy.