Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Work is getting a big overwhelming. The boss is off on monday and he wants me to go in early. Very early. I don't normally start until 8pm and he wants me in at 5pm. On the other 2 nights I work he wants me there at 4 not 6.

Then, as a couple of others are doing courses for 2 weeks and he's off the half term week, he wants me in there at 4pm those days.... not sure what to say. Then maybe to go in Tues/Thurs, the days I'm not contracted to work. I really don't want to work that much. Yes the money is good but you don't get time and a half, only basic for any over time and it drags most of the time now let alone an earlier start. It'll mess my tax credits up as well.
He did say at the interview he wanted people to be flexible but I thought an hour here and there. Not this.
I really can't face doing that many hours. I know it's only for 2 weeks but I can't. I can't quit either, I need the money.
I'm going to have to risk saying no and telling him what hours I can do. I'll either have a job or I won't.

I hate situations like this. Saying no makes me very uncomfortable. One of the other ladies there said just tell him you can't do it. I just find that difficult.

You are completely within your rights to say that you can't do all of that. Maybe to show flexibility say you can do some of what he's asked for (half?) Don't feel bad, most people who apply for a part-time job would find it difficult to fit in a lot more hours - that's why they decided to go for part-time! Stay strong - you are doing well, and they are obviously happy with you at work.

Yes the money is good but you don't get time and a half, only basic for any over time

That's completely normal for part time staff - if you were paid normal time for 16 hours and time and a half for any extra you'd be earning more than someone working full time. Usually you'd only get an enhanced rate once you'd worked at least whatever full time hours are.

I agree it's normal not to get overtime and you should try to do it if possible.

Is your problem looking after the dog? Surely DD could do that for a few nights.

Will it really messs up you tax credits if it's only for a couple of weeks?

The point of tax credits is to encourage work, isn't it? Not discourage!

Just say that family commitments prevent you from doing extra work - you don't have to go into detail and it saces l you from having to say a blunt 'no'. Sure they'll be fine with it

No, the dog isn't the problem. I just don't want to go in that early. a 6-12pm shift is long enough (and boring at the start, specially when there isn't a lot to do).
I will text him when he's at work later and inform him I can't do the hours we mentioned. I'll meet him half way. On the Mondays I'll agree to a 6pm start, but not 4! Out of 5 of us still working I'll be the only one he asks to come in early. I don't think that's strictly fair. Specially given I've only been there 4 weeks and I'd technically be in charge for a couple of hours and I still don't know exactly what I'm doing! But the others say no.... wisely.

Re: time a half. Yeah they explained that and it's OK it's not a problem. Just wanted to mention it.

Not sure re: the tax credits. But it panics me when the hours I put down were an average of my Jan hours and in 2 weeks I'll be 4x's that for O/T!

I do have a couple of things planned on the days he wanted me to work when I'm usually off so will just say I can't do them. It is half term as well so DD is home and we can do something different than usual.

DD is skipping college lessons. Once she leaves the house I am trusting her to go to College and do her best. Seems that's not happening. It has happened before and seemed to get better but it's start again. Really not sure what to do to be honest. She's lying when we ask her about it.
Last thing I needed. I'm more concerned about where she's going when not in the lessons she should be.

Well, I've text him my hours I'm willing to work. I've met him half way I think. I shall await his answer. Hopefully it'll be positive.

Being flexible doesn't mean being at someones beck and call IMO. I know that's probably a stupid attitude to take as I've only been in the job a month but if I keep saying yes he will keep thinking I will do everything. Even the other ladies (who I mainly work with when they come in) have said to say no if I really can't or don't want to do it. He's a good guy but they say he can turn the situation to his advantage.

I'm confused. Most of your thread has been about your money worries. You now have a PT job and you've been offered more hours , which means you earn more. Yet you want to turn down this extra money because a 6 hour shift is long enough and it's boring .

Seriously ? All jobs have boring bits.

And you think your boss is taking advantage by offering you more work ?

Other might be turning down the work because they have caring responsibilities or no transport or dont need the money . Or because it doesn't fit with another PT job.

You need the money and have a car and no one dependent on you, like a young child or elderly parent. And no other work.

You've been out of the labour market for the best part of 20 years, apart from some short term work. You have no up to date qualifications . I'm sorry, but you are not going to walk into a 100% interesting part time job with no shifts longer than 6 hours. Most people in well paid, part time, interesting jobs have done then full time and then gone part time and have experience and / or qualifications .

You need to take all the work you can get and build up your experience.Go out of your way to show your employer how keen and helpful you are.

I'm sorry if this sounds mean but I fear that your expectations of work are unrealistic.

Forgot to mention the new guy who started last week? Yeah, he left! He did his induction evening Thurs, did a full shift Fri and phoned up Monday to say he was leaving. So that's that. He said he had trouble with only doing 12 hrs and the job centre. The others don't believe him! (one has had dealings with the job centre for 10 yrs and thinks it's highly unlikely the JC wouldn't have advised him what hours he could do before taking a job.)

The other young guy, who started same time as me, was sick last night. Good job really as we had finished everything by 11.30! And that was taking things slowly....

Had problems with my right shoulder on/off for a few yrs. Usually it's a muscle issue where I've pulled it and can't move my arm (in any direction) without pain (showering, dressing, washing or drying my hair is always a laugh when it happens!). That seems to have happened again, but in a less aggressive form. Ice packs are helping and I really don't want it to get worse so I'm taking things easy the next couple of days. Even though I have stuff to do, I can't risk making it worse! Being off sick isn't something I want to do. Even though I don't want to do many more hours the next couple of weeks I do want to go to work. It's part of my routine now.

Really need to see the Dr about it at some point, but not sure what I'd say when it's fine! Although it does seem in a different place to the left shoulder (strange as that sounds!). I have much more limited movement than the left for instance.
Oh well.
Enough rambling for the day. Maybe!

No, I see where you're coming from, I do, and agree to some extent.

I have been asked several times to go in early so far and I haven't said no. Even missing an evening meal one night because I was worried about saying no. I am meeting him half way with the hours this time. I'm not saying no. All the others say no! And it's an overall opinion from the other evening workers that he can take advantage, he's done it with them, so no I'm not going to say yes to everything all the time. I know you'll think that's the wrong attitude.
I sense we're different people.

I will go in on one day off if asked but the other one I do actually have plans and won't change them.

The additional money you will be earning won't make any difference to your tax credits. This extra income won't take you anywhere near the threshold where you would need to notify HMRC.

You have my sympathies re DD and college. One of my DDs tried A levels at school, a BTEC at college, au pair in a very nice place in Europe which lasted 2 weeks, 2 apprentiships and 2 jobs all before the grand old age of 20. She eventually settled in a job with good prospects and the opportunity to gain qualifications if she wanted to. It could be that she has just not found what she is looking for yet. It doesn't sound like she is 100% committed to whatever she is doing so maybe you could look at alternatives with her?

Sorry for the dilemma at work. It must be difficult starting back into the work place after so many years to go from zero working hours to even two hours is hard I would imagine. It would be hypocritical of me to tell you to take the extra hours when I haven't worked for a long time myself - so I'm not going to. Just do what you can manage and you are comfortable with. Sounds like your compromise is a good plan.

I think Kr1stina has got a point about the overtime, but of course you have been through a huge amount of stress recently. Maybe best to take it fairly gently now but be ready to do a bit more in a little while when you are feeling stronger.

itsover, I've been reading your story over the last couple of days and just wanted to express my admiration at how phenomenally well you're doing. I'm in a horribly similar situation (right down to the dog, except I have three!) with H having walked out this weekend and frankly I'm struggling to function on anything but a very minimal level.

To have gone out and got a job, on top of keeping things together for your kids, all whilst reeling from not only a horrific emotional shock but coping with the very real threat of losing your home says a great deal about your strength of character.

Kudos to you.

Well the boss text back yesterday saying the hours I could do were fine. I did compromise. Instead of 4 I said 5, that kind of thing.

Yes, there a are points to be made about the overtime and in a few months I'll probably think differently. I don't mind doing overtime, but the hours he wanted me to work were so far away from my contract hours it was a shock to the system. He wanted me to do an extra 20 hrs in 2 weeks. Yes great for the money, I understand that, I do, but I've only just got into this routine! I am not the sort of person you are Kristina (judging by your posts). I am hoping that will change over time though.
I've never had any kind of benefit (apart form Child benefit obviously) and to tell you the truth it scares the crap out of me getting it wrong. I know I'm probably over reacting and I hope I settle down in that regard. I just don't understand it. No matter how many times I read things.

When I've got a full time job I will go full gusto, have no doubt about that. I do understand there are bits about jobs that are boring, I was just sounding off. The nursery job I had 10 yrs ago could get VERY boring at times! Just me in the office part and nothing to do!

I'm still waiting for the counselling, haven't even had a letter yet, which I thought I'd get way before now. Do these people forget or does it just take a long time to even write a letter? (serious question, it's all new to me).

Spoke to the 2nd solicitor this morning, totally different to the 1st one and someone who I think will fight a little harder for my side. So from now on I'll/we'll deal with her.

I said I wouldn't be selling the house until DD is at least 18 (and she seemed happy with that, no judge would order a sale until 18) and and even then, if I can keep it, I will try. That 18 months will also give me time to look for full time work later in the yr. AND save some cash along the way. (although I will need a car at some point so it will go on that no doubt). But I will try my hardest to save most of the tax credits I get between now and then. As OH won't be paying maintenance, him still paying the bills instead of me taking on some of them will work. I was going to take on some of the household ones (BT, broadband, TV license etc..) but this way works just as well for me. The SOL is going to email me something and I'll take some time to think about it.

Shoulder feels better today, not going to do anything to aggravate it further so should be sorted by next week. May have to go soft on the bowling on Sunday night, I can tend to get a little physical while throwing that ball down the lane!

Out for lunch tomorrow as it's Sis's birthday.

notangelinajolie - Well DD is missing the lesson that doesn't specifically count towards what she wants to do. She never misses the lesson that counts. But obviously ALL the grades to a point will count. She had to take a certain number of courses and kind of made up the numbers by adding this one. I've told her, after we had a chat, to go to the lesson regardless of the circumstances (teacher ill, being told by other classmates the lesson is cancelled as the sub isn't there). That way if someone does turn up she will be counted. That kind of thing. Hopefully I got through.

JohnnyMarr - So sorry about your situation. I really have no concrete advice other than to post here and see what others can offer. For the first week I too had problems functioning. My emotions were all over the place - from sadness to panic. That's where my job came from actually, panic! I applied for anything I thought I could do and this job came up. Gave me something to focus on actually. And determination to get a job.

3 dogs? Wowzer. But ,as I have found out, I do more around the house than OH so him leaving hasn't made a huge difference to me - yet. Could be you are the same (just assuming, sorry if wrong). But emotionally it's a weird situation to be in. By the sounds of it you didn't really have any warning your OH was leaving though? That must be even worse than mine. Things have got better for me and seeing the other solicitor this morning has helped. So take one day at a time. And don't be rushed by your OH. Things don't happen over night either. And talk to your family. (or friends).

You are sounding so much stronger OP, well done you! I'm glad you saw a different solicitor, you definitely need one who will fight for your rights.

I do wonder though about your ex paying your bills and how long he'll do that for. My gut feeling is that you need something concrete sorting out. As you go forward you need to feel your independence, not be dependent on your ex, to live.

Overall though I do think you're doing fantastically well, from where you were.

The bills thing does concern me, but under this he pays far less than he would if I made him pay child maintenance, so for him it's beneficial. Plus he doesn't want to wreck his credit score. Currently all the bills are still under his name. That could change I suppose but right now I think he wants to keep me sweet so he talks me into selling the house.... I haven't answered him about his emails yet either.
With my wages and benefits I could pay all the bills bar the mortgage so if he stops paying in the next 18 months it's not a problem as such. The mortgage is something he won't stop paying as he wants to keep his credit score peachy (it's a joint mortgage). Plus if he stops paying the bills I would go all out for child maintenance - which will be just as costly. So either way he can't get away with not paying anything.

So either way he can't get away with not paying anything

I can see from the way you're talking, that you've got things sussed. Good for you OP.

DD should be his priority. She still needs looking after. So yes he will pay - either all the bills or child maintenance!

Another week and you have done lots. Onwards and upwards! And great news that you have found a solicitor you can work with.

Re: him paying bills and mortgage instead of CM - you need some kind of stability over the coming months so if this arrangement gives you that then keep it going.

This bit bounced out of my screen when I read it ...
Currently all the bills are still under his name. That could change I suppose but right now I think he wants to keep me sweet so he talks me into selling the house It did make me think that he is a man who likes to be in control but somehow I have a feeling that you are more in control than he thinks!

Haha! I probably am more in control! I have made a decision re: the house and if he doesn't like it then tough. Even the solicitor said it would be pointless going to court to try to force a sale before DD is 18. He'll have to suck it up. He wanted this and didn't think it through so ..... yes that's harsh but he wanted to leave so quick. He wanted out without thinking of any consequences.

I don't miss him tbh. The house isn't empty without him. He doesn't get in the way now! Not sure DD misses him either. She can get up for college and have a shower when she wants and has his double bed to sleep in! We eat dinner when WE want and have had pasta bake twice this week! (OH doesn't do soggy food). I do all the same stuff I did before, which just goes to show what he didn't do.

I've even done things I normally wouldn't do either myself or just on my own. Strange as it sounds I've never gone to buy the dog food by myself. (heavy bags). But I did it on Monday. Even had to ask for the right bags as the shelves were empty of one of my choices. (something I find tricky, I'm an introvert and shy person). The big burly guy brought them out to my car for me as well. Successful mission. Although emptying the bags into the plastic box we have for food was more tricky! And heavy to lift back on the bench! But I did it.

But I bet OH doesn't miss us either. He was ready to leave. Probably enjoying his new found freedom. He can have his first (single) weekend doing what he wants. Whether that's with his lesbian friend & her GF or playing on his computer all day. The world is his oyster.

The solicitor did make us laugh earlier today. We were talking about the house and it's value and even though I have a new valuation she said maybe just go on his personal valuation that's lower and go from there, not tell him the new one! Sneaky!

Well done your solicitor - if he isn't able to find out the correct valuation for himself then that's his problem.

Very glad to hear that you don't miss him - that says a lot, doesn't it?

Ooooh I'm liking this solicitor! Also liking you having pasta bake whenever you want!

And you did make me smile at the thought of your ex DH sitting in his room with his friends playing xbox - it sounds like he's gone back to being a teenager.