Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Well it'll be interesting to hear what he thinks about maintenance payments. After you've finished laughing your solicitor can tell him what's really going to happen!

Haha! Well yeah I'll wait and see what he says. I have a feeling he'll say no he can't afford it. But I can't keep going to him every time DD wants something.
The CM site says it should be about £380 per month, I know he can't afford that so I'd take something like £100 or £150 - with most of it going into an account for DD for when she needs it. That's why I'd like to keep it a private arrangement.
I know you all think I should take the full amount but he can't afford it while paying the bills and debts. He'd just rack up more debt which yes will be his responsibility but I don't think that would serve any purpose in the end.

Unless he's lying about formally renting somewhere and doesn't need that money. It would be more secure for you to have the money which you can put towards the bills to keep a roof over your daughter's head.

True. Very true.
It's a rockhard place situation.

The CM site says it should be about £380 per month, I know he can't afford that so I'd take something like £100 or £150

But can you afford to subsidise him? At the end of the day you should not be worrying about him - you need to look after yourself and make sure your DD has everything she needs and I know from experience teenage daughters don't come cheap and he is just going to have to tighten his belt a little and find a way of affording it. He could sell his bike for a start - is he paying road tax and insurance for it? If so, that is the first thing that should go.

Hope Tuesday isn't too sad for you, I know it's going to be a huge moment so keep positive

I think the bills would be expected to be paid out of the maintenance payments, so I agree that it's probably unreasonable to expect the full CSA amount on top of him paying the bills.

Honesty time.
I have been trying to justify the dog staying. But in reality I see more negatives in him staying than positives. I know I shouldn't and it's not about not wanting him.
I have never understood the need for a dog. I've made that clear to OH and the kids from the start. Too much work which I know I can't give my time to. I agreed as it would be a family dog. So much for family now.

The dog doesn't get the stimulation he needs. At all. 1 walk a day and then mostly being ignored is not the right situation for him. He doesn't really socialise with other dogs either. He loves other dogs and would love a friend.

Before we got him OH had all these plans for agility etc... but that never materialised. As the dog gets car sick you really need 2 people to take him places as it's just easier and less stressful for us. I've wanted to tackle the sickness but OH has never wanted to put the time in. As we take him in OH's car it was tricky finding the time if OH wasn't on board.

OH had had dogs before and assured me he knew how to train them etc.... well, not so much it turned out. His parents did all the work it seems....

Yes the cost is a factor as well. Not just insurance, food and vet bills but also a dog walker when I get a full time job. The stress of making sure the dog is fine and looked after.

I can't just walk out of the house now. I have to manage the time when I'm leaving and when I'll be back. DD, DS and now OH have that luxury - they can go out when they feel like it for however long they want. I'm stuck with a dog until the day he dies. And yes I see it like that. I shouldn't - I know I shouldn't - but I do. I'm the sucker left with the dog. When DD goes to Uni (or wherever) it will still be down to me. OH gets away scott free. I feel guilty for feeling that way.

I'm between a rock and a hard place. I'm feeling dumped on. And I don't like it.

notangelinajolie - I can see how the situation is going to go, he'll just say tell him when she needs something. I don't want to do that. I'll feel like I have to justify everything to him. And it will also mean I'll have to keep talking to him. For the separation and divorce then fine, but not for things like shoes or coats etc...

Tomorrow will be weird when he doesn't come home. But I'm sure we'll get used to it. I've been doing everything round the house for a while now. He's been like a lodger.

HeddaGarbled - I know, yeah. I need to clarify with the solicitor. Although the previous one we saw (paid for) said it was a completely separate legal issue when I asked as he was paying the bills etc...

"I think I'd look at moving to a different bank he has no links with."

I've said that a few times, neither ex nor bank can be trusted at this point. Nobody should be able to open a bank account in your name aside from everything else it's against money laundering prevention rules.

Would the full amount of child maintenance cover what he's paying for bills? While cms aren't great they have more ability to enforce payment of child maintenance than a solicitor/court has for making him pay bills. Several threads on here where women have accepted lower cm payments due to exs promise to pay bills then ex only pays bills for a month or 2, nothing enforceable except a lower child maintenance agreement which they can claim you agreed to. Be careful.

So everyone loves the dog but no one is prepared to look after him - no wonder you feel dumped on. Would STBEX take him once he has somewhere more permanent to live?

The costs of keeping any animal are something to be considered, especially when your budget will be tight. Don't feel bad if you have to rehome him.

Good luck once again for tomorrow. Yes, you are right you will get used to DH not being around - maybe you will even be a little relived once he has gone. You have been living in limbo all these weeks and once you have the house to yourself I'm sure the atmosphere will lighten.

It's sad about the dog but you and your children are more important - especially as it was your dh's idea to get one in the first place. Is it worth putting up a notice in your work place and the vet's asking if anyone would like to give him a home??

Graphista - it's a tough area. Nope, the bills are way more, if you include the mortgage. Then the debts on top of that. Still doesn't get away from the fact DD will need things.

Once I get the tax credits through that will make life easier and I can take over MY bills (like insurance, TV license, broadband etc..) so OH would have more cash. Plus he can do more over-time being closer to work, which is his plan, but doesn't sound like any of the extra will be spent on the cards or DD. (he's still planning on selling the house to clear the cards (debts).) Little does he know that won't be happening - if I can help it - before DD turns 18 in 18 months! I'm sure he thinks I'll give in on selling earlier. But I won't - not now. She needs stability for studies and her future.

I don't want to rehome the Dog, at all - we took him on - and it would be the very very last resort, but it does feel like I'm the only one taking responsibility for him. And that depresses me sometimes. DD will be doing her part during the evenings I'm at work and she is good, but she also has college work and is a teenager. Then she will (maybe) be going to Uni at some point, leaving me with the Dog. It's not his fault. I swear you can see the sadness in his eyes. (weird as that sounds).

Maybe once the dust settles DD and I will take the Dog to agility. See if we can sort something out.

OH is just walking away. That's the part that pisses me off. Hasn't even mentioned money concerning the dog bills.

I'm still waiting for the counselling referral to come through. I knew it would take time for counselling but I thought the letter outlining things would come through quicker. Hope it does at some point. It's getting on for a couple of weeks now.
Doesn't help that right now it's PMS time. That always sets me back. Then the fog will lift and I'll see things a bit clearer. I hate this.

I think I need to take one step at a time and not make any emotional or rash decisions.

The dog is company and one minute I'm fine the next I'm not! I need to find a good dog walker and somewhere he can stay over night when needed. That might make me feel better about things. Maybe ask the breeder for help with some issues he has. Maybe that will help.

Hi, I'm in a similar situation to you with the dog. The dog is my third baby but it was a family decision and I feel my stbex should have half the responsibility for her. I've had written into the separation agreement he has her when he sees the kids so I have some freedom. I also joined borrowmydoggy.com and have a meet tonight with someone interested in walking her and for company sometimes and another meet for a couple looking for weekend visits. It's maybe worth you looking into that?

Hotwaterbottle1 - It's certainly an idea yeah. That website has been mentioned a few times.

Well, I mentioned Child Maintenance to OH before I went to work. He looked like a goldfish. mouth opened and closed a few times....

He reckons it would be about £500'ish per month and he said there's no way he can afford that, 'where would the money come from'. Which is very true. He said he's paying the bills and that more than covers things he thinks. I said that DD will need things and he said he doesn't mind chipping in.
So that's his stance on it.

well contact CMS and get the ball rolling, chipping in is not good enough... where the money comes from is not your problem-maybe his " friend" can help him figure out this one too

I think the " paying bills instead of CM" plan is fine, as long as he sticks to it.

My concern is that he sees this as him doing you a favour, which he can stop at any time when it suits him /when he moves in with OM\W / when you piss him off.

Whereas he HAS to pay CM. So don't agree to No CM in writing as PP said upthread . Let's see how long he sticks to it.

Maybe he will go on paying for the next 18 months as he thinks the house will be sold then yeah right

Sorry to hear about the dog dilemma. You don't have to decide now, you can see how it works out, whether the costs ( time and money ) outweigh the pleasure you get ( sorry dog lovers ) . It's maybe too much stress to deal with now. And of course it's another loss on top of everything.

Hope lunch today was ok and you were able to remember happy times with your mother.

Don't know much about CM but surely it is best have something set in stone which he has to pay over an informal agreement to pay bills and 'chip in' as and when. I think the former sounds like a much more reliable method to ensure regular payments and wont leave you with him potentially not paying one month because he is a bit broke,

It would be horrible for you to keep having to ask him for money everytime your DD needs something. At least with CM you will know how much you getting each month where as the other way will lead you wide open for things going wrong.

He really didn't think this through did he!

Angelina has a point about CM being set in stone and an informal agreement being hard to enforce. Your solicitor should have helpful advice here, surely?

I really don't want to go the formal route. I'd rather we set our own amount given neither of us will have much spare cash - although OH can now do as much O/T as he wants and I won't have a clue how much he is really earning.
I'm hoping the solicitor will advice if CM is necessary or not.

Lunch was good thanks. Although every time we do the Pizza Hut buffet I always eat way too much!

OH left early this morning, slightly earlier than normal actually. Usually 6am but it was about 5.30 (as I was awake). Cleaned his room (very grotty!) and DD has now claimed his double bed that's in there! (bunks, single on top, double underneath). She has a new duvet and duvet set so will be all cosy!
Had a problem with my PC this morning and after sorting one problem myself I had to contact OH as the emails weren't working and it's a private (home) server we use so needed his input as to how to reset the network password. He was very helpful.

I've been following and silently applauding you OP.

You are doing so well.

My 2p-worth is that, sadly, either STBXH takes the dog or you rehome him. Not your decision to get him, and you've got enough on your plate without an untrained, under stimulated, carsick animal to deal with -- not to mention the expense.

"which he can stop at any time when it suits him /when he moves in with OM\W / when you piss him off"

Yes this is common PLUS from what you've already said about him I can see him doing so in a fit of pique!

I suspect he's being so 'helpful' now to make you disinclined to rock the boat! Meaning he can get things how he wants them which as you've said yourself is fantasy land where the kids become fully independent aged 18 and you live on bloody fresh air!!

Look out for you and the kids HIS budget is HIS problem.

Things aren't that weird right now, as OH has been away for a night or so before and we never really talk during that so right now it seems normal. It will probably feel more real when it's been a few days and/or something goes wrong!